That I’m not DH “true love”

[Jensajenning]

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

Together 15 years ago, so she would have been maybe 33, he was 26.

They have a 14 year old so pregnant almost straight away.

She wanted babies, he wanted a visa. They went on to build a family unit together. I can see how he would feel he 'did his duty' in the swap if he has stayed and parents well.

How quickly did you meet him after he got here OP?

From all your answers, OP you sound very level headed. So I'm sure you will, but I would urge you to not take all the inflammatory pps words to heart. Comments like 'your dh is soo xyz (selfish, childish, utter rubbish etc)

They don't know your dh at all and it's easy to give' just divorce' answer when they have no skin in the game. It doesn't affect them one bit and they maybe wouldn't have done it in your shoes - no matter how emphatically they state they would.

Life is a series of events and is doesn't always turn out the way we planned or wanted it. But sometimes we do the best with what we have at a given time.

Love gained and love lost is a story as old as time. I would venture to say many people have someone in the back of their mind that they think about once a year or 2 with fond memories.

Leaving ones country comes with a lot of loss and trauma. And sometimes holding on to a (false) picture of someone that encompasses all that was beautiful and right with the country we called home for so long, eases the pain. And we can't always articulate it as such. But our country in some ways betrayed us. She didn't provide when we needed her and somewhere in this entangled mess of emotions, memories and cold hard facts, we have to try and assimilate into a new country, a new culture, language and build a new family for ourselves.

I don't want to lessen the pain of hearing those words come out of the mouth of the man you loved, whose surname you took, whose home you made, whom you opened your womb and soul to.

I have no answers for you, no one has. I only have that no single story stands alone and no scenario has a black and white answer.

I hear a women that loved and loved deeply and I see a man that carried all the hopes and fears of a family back home and built a business and a family from nothing in a foreign country.
I may venture to say that he might not always have felt this way or knew he felt this way, but have tried to make sense of his feelings over time and concludes the words he has.

I am and will aways be an advocate for marriage, it provides the most stable unit for society and communities, for us to raise our children in. But I'm also not naive and know that some things are hard or impossible to come back from.

All I can give is understanding and say that I know you will come to a decision that is right for you and your children in your own time. I know you will.
And I wish people here didn't make life so utterly black and white. As if divorce is somehow an easy way out.

Both divorcing and staying has its heartbreak and neither is easy. So I wish people with no skin in ops game could stop being to empathic about what they would or would not have done.

I am sorry for what you are feeling and sorry for the 3 weeks of thinking that you have ahead.
I am thinking of you.

She said it was about a year after he got here.

Wow, this is so hurtful. I don’t think I could recover from that sorry x

Poor you OP. He needs to know how much he has hurt you, at the very least.
Agree culture clashes cause whatever and you have had lovely messages on here offering advice on that.

But in terms of what YOU need to hear he's not delivering. At all. He has broken a cultural taboo for the UK imo.
So tell him to re-frame it to make it acceptable to you. Or make the best of your life without this element.
It's a real pity you can't stand the heat in his country. Maybe start going back with him but ask them to work things around you a bit more (air con unit? Not going to all family events? )
Not that it's an excuse but as he's leaving today, was his head already in his home country making him less able to "see" you?

“She may have been his true love but he wasn’t hers or they would have been together”

^
Putting everything else aside, if he was actually the love of her life she would have done anything to make sure they could stay together. He might be dreaming of an unrequited love that is completely one sided. If he doesn’t appreciate everything he has with you now he could lose that as well. Worth reminding him of that.

I don't agree with the first part because it is a genuine greater legal risk when one parent takes a child to a foreign country not part of the Hague convention. It's simply a risk that the OP may be unaware of and MNers like posters to be fully armed!

However, the arrogance and misogyny part seems spot on to me and links to my question - what would his reaction be if you said, "you know, I've been thinking about it and it's the same for me, really. I also had and lost a love of my life who I'd spend my last days on earth with if I could. But I've done my duty to you in staying home and raising your children etc. so you really can't complain. And yes it's someone I still see quite a lot of".

Something tells me he'd hit the roof.

OP I think you need to nurse your feelings while he's away and then get very hard and practical. Whatever is said now, this is the reality of the situation you're in. Your choice is therefore to either leave, with all the financial and lifestyle disadvantages that may bring for you and your children but possibly for the benefit of your mental health, example to your children etc. or you find a way to live with it. If you do the latter, you need to find a way that brings you least harm. Basically grieve the relationship you thought you had and get on board with viewing it the way he does - he's a family provider and hopefully a friend but nothing more. Your job is to keep the house and your children's lives ticking over but you need not do anything for him going above and beyond what you'd do for a pleasant uncle who was providing the same benefits for your family. All the extra things you'd previously done purely out of romantic love can be dropped. And so on.

It's something to think through at length to decide what's the last worst option for you now.

You need to take some time away just for yourself when he gets back. Take a couple of weeks off work. Go to a retreat a place you can find yourself again. Hope you managed to sleep.

It sounds like a very difficult and complicated situation for you. I would encourage you to trust your feelings and not accept a situation you are not comfortable with. It sounds like your husband might have built up this other person as totally ideal, his perfect match and has a very romanticised view. Maybe he needs a bit of a reality check?! Relationship and complicated and messy for most people. I would definitely suggest trying to get some support to talk this through, either yourself or with your partner.

I've done a lot of thinking about this myself over the past couple of years, having had some real difficulties in what I thought was a generally good relationship. Esther Perel has a great podcast on relationships which might be a helpful resource. Also a book called the state of affairs. Although your husband hasn't had a physical affair, emotionally he isn't being loyal to you. She talks about the difference between love and desire, and the challenge of maintaining both in a long term relationship. It might also be worth listening to Alain de Botton on romanticism

Good luck, what's important to you matters and you need to make sure any situation you are in lon term allows you to feel good about yourself and thrive.

I'm sorry @Jensajenning to have to mention this, I know you said you don't want to respond to this but him coming here illegally changes things and I completely see how he would compartmentalise duty and love like that.

I'm not going to pass judgement on why he came over illegally. But it does explain why he "settled" in love and marriage. He needed to get married in order to stay and become a legal immigrant.
Then he stayed because you probably get along well enough and there are children to raise which I'm sure he loves.

Initially I thought maybe he was holding on to a former love because of not dealing with emotions, processing feelings or maybe an attachment injury. But now it makes perfect sense why he said what he said. It makes perfect sense how he can see things so coldly, say things so coldly and bluntly.

What he did would have been no issue has he actually told you in the very beginning why he's marrying you. If he hasn't, my issue would most definitely be with him and only him. You keep wondering about HER but it's HIM who feels this way and acts this way.

I'm sorry you're going through this, I hope this time away will give you clarity and, if you can/afford to see a counsellor or therapist in the meantime, please do, that's a lot to process all by yourself.

…I would tell you I’ve done my duty, I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her.

For me, it would be impossible to move forward with him, knowing that he plans to ultimately abandon me after decades of benefiting from my love and devotion. The brutality is beyond the pale.

I don't know whether the posters saying that settling for comfort and creating a life together is worth having have really got the point. I think there may be something more that's missing than passion. Do you really feel cherished and valued by your husband? My sense is that you don't really or you wouldn't have pushed the discussion. It's not just that he's not passionate about you, it's the affection and care that are missing?

Apologies if I'm wrong about this, I don't want to hurt you more than you already have been OP. It's just that in my marriage, it's the everyday warmth and consideration that are missing. Those erode my self esteem and trust in the relationship far more than the fact he doesn't declare undying passion. Those little gestures and acts of thoughtfulness that make us feel loved are very important, and very noticeable if they're missing. Over the years it's killed our marriage, which I think could have been happy even though he's not my one that got away either. It's a lot to think about and being in a marriage where you don't feel cared for is not what we deserve.

Yes, given that you can see the background to his comment he did his duty , if indeed she did fall pregnant quickly before the relationship had developed and he felt he had to then stay with her, for moral reasons, and he wished a visa.

If he was 26 and an accidental pregnancy then he was very young still. That background I think is important. Potentially he decided to “do the right thing” by her and it benefitted him, but yes, he may have made a conscious decision at the time to settle and it’s stuck with him.

he still should never have told her though

Great response from ThroughGraceAlone OP. And you did push him - perhaps he felt cornered. He may well regret the outburst. I would re-read what ThroughGraceAlone has said, her comment echoes my own thoughts.

I’ve read all your posts but not the full thread. To be fair, with the age you’re at it’s the most ‘obvious’ point of difference - early 40s = still clinging to youth and late 40s = about to hit ‘middle age’ and, forgive me for saying it, with the age difference with the woman being older the menopause (and it’s obvious effects) does us no favours… Added to that he came over illegally initially and you were able to provide the stability and legals he required to be here. I’m really sorry, I think he has ‘settled’ in order to make the future family and life he’d envisaged….and at this moment the age difference is at its most obvious. You can either accept this or move on so you can find ‘true love’….my only counsel would be that this is not guaranteed!!

All these people telling you to break up your home, your family and go out and meet someone you deserve-it’s easy to type that when you have no skin in the game. Too late for regrets having pushed him-but there are all sorts of things to consider for both of you-not least your children who would see their settled life devastated if you threw everything up. I think there are plenty of marriages which happen-especially later in life-when it’s not the wild romantic thrill but you can still love your companion and build a life with them. Maybe he’s done that with you-is that so bad? If this is too much for you to live with the you have no other option-but is there a possibility you can talk with your husband and see if you can reconnect with a loving stable marriage. Many words have been said in regret-especially if pushed to a point and I bet as he sounds a decent man that he bitterly regrets what he said.

One thing- people saying they feel like this but wouldn't say it out loud, this is a cultural difference, my husband comes from a very similar (next door to that country) culture. They are brutally honest, both about life in general and things like this, and this can be breathtaking to British people brought up on a don't ask, don't tell, just smile and nod type of deal. I once asked my husband if it was love at first sight when he saw me, he said no, he didn't fall in love with me on seeing me as I looked nice but no immediate electricity (which I had with him), that happened when we started talking and after the first night of talking he knew I was the one for him. Being told there was no immediate 'wow' was hard to hear, but utterly truthful and just like a man from that culture!

So, there's a lot to unpack here, but him saying things honestly isn't a fault I don't feel, it's reflective of that culture. Not being romantic after that in his words, deeds, way he sees you and so on might be more of a flaw, in other words, it didn't all come from that early commitment (which it did in my case).

Something to think about- my husband died young, and as a widow, it does give me immense comfort that I was my husband's 'soulmate' and I his.

I can see this from the other end. I had a boyfriend for 3 years in my late teens, he wasn't for me and I ended the relationship, he went on to marry the woman who he dated right after me. She absolutely adores him, they have 2 kids and a great life together, she has been the driver behind everything they have built together, he truly IMO could not have chosen a better person to make his life partner.

However every couple of years he contacts me to catch up and see how I am. I mainly ignore him as he makes it clear he considers me the love of his life who got away and if I ever said the word he'd leave her for me. He's a twat! We split up 25 years ago now, he's pining for a girl who doesn't exist and I know he certainly wouldn't like being with me more than his wife, doesn't stop this wierd fantasy he has in his head.

I think she's suspected this over the years but has stuck with him 🤷‍♀️ I feel awful for her and his lovely family. I can't always completely avoid him as we have friends and family who are close but I've never encouraged him and keep my distance.

Your husband sounds like a wise man: you can’t have it all. If he’s a good partner and father and you knew that you weren’t his first choice I don’t really understand why you asked something that deep down you knew but you weren’t ready to listen.
Before you break your family, think about the people that married their “true love” around you and evaluate if they really have a better life.
Not everyone gets to marry their true love, not everyone is healthy, not everyone can afford a home… life is not fair.

I don't think that the cultural element can be ignored here. It is not just the ex girlfriend but his homeland and culture which she represents. Anyone who has children with someone from another culture can recognise that there are differences in opinions, values and they will ultimately grow up to be British. It can be sad to see your children reply in English all the time and be so at home in a country which doesn't feel at home for you.
She doesn't just represent true love but the alternative reality where he had children with someone who was raised in a similar way, someone you don't have to explain everything to, someone you can speak freely in your mother tongue with. This sort of thing seems irrelevant but if you are the person who moved away, it can feel massive at times.
Imagine you lived in Korea with a Korean woman/man. Your kids spoke Korean, you had to force them to go back to see their grandparents as they wanted to stay in Korea. You felt a bit lost in terms of the culture and your language skills were good but not native level good. I imagine a lot of us, at times, would think of an alternative where we had married Bill from sixth form. Life was easy with Bill (yes you were both 18 and had no responsibilities but let's gloss over that and romanticise Bill as our own true love). With Bill, our kids would be British, we'd live down the road from our old school friends and ageing parents, we could laugh about old episodes of Corrie or Lee Evans, we could reminisce about the local corner shop/ nightclub/ teachers. It sounds stupid but I think when you're homesick these things become more desirable.
What OP's husband does is fail to recognise either the hurt that these words will cause but also that this is the case. She is not his true love. She is his first love and represents home for him.
I'd wish him well and separate.
But I think more of us are in this situation than would care to admit it. 'Marry someone who can cook and you can laugh with' was advise from my culture to men who are looking for a wife. True love doesn't come into it. Very unlikely the person who gives you fanny gallops at 16 would also be financially solvent, ambitious responsible, dad of the year, your best friend and a good life companion when sex is a distant memory.

I spoke to my husband (from same country) and when I asked him about true love, he rolled his eyes and told me that stuff is stupid 😂😂. I believe for them, the way they behave toward their family matters more. While I understand you are upset, I really think you should look at his actions rather than his words, you forced him to reveal something that was perhaps upsetting and shameful to him and he snapped, you pushed him into a corner, I am not berating you but I did the same earlier in the relationship and had the same reaction. It really is a cultural thing, women are loved but really separate from everything, you are the mother of his children, you keep the household, you are everything. He loves you for you and all that passion love crap, it is nice but after a year it means nothing and I have been with him for 23 years!

God, how horrendous for your poor husband. No, of-course you should not have married him. You are using him for your convenience, comfort , security and probably money. How many women are there like this out there? This thread is shocking. I hope people show it to their older sons to warn them.

That sounds like a lovely experience for your children, and yes, they definitely do deserve to know both sides and it will surely enrich their lives .

I’ve seen the difference between dual heritage kids who were introduced to both cultures as equal growing up, and the ones who weren’t …and the latter definitely suffer from identity issues.

I hope you’re feeling better today, it obviously wasn’t an easy thing to hear and you’re probably still processing it. Hopefully you can use this time he’s away to think how/if you both can move forward.

How many women are there like this out there?

Many. Love in that burning desire, soulmates forever way does not pay bills or keep food on the table. Stability and pragmatism does. I would not advise my daughters to marry a man because she's 'in love' with him.