That I’m not DH “true love”

[Jensajenning]

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

Oh op, I think I’d be done. I think I’d be calling him when he landed, and saying what you said to me before you left, I don’t think I can ever get past that. I feel like a useful object. I am a person, I have loved you and I have given our family everything, now it turns out you’ve only given us duty. When you said you’ve kept all your promises, that’s not true. You made promises to me at our wedding and you tell me now they were always a lie. That’s a huge promise and it’s been broken since the moment you made it, my life with you has been a lie. You could catch a terminal disease anytime, I can’t live another day with you knowing that if that happened you’d be gone. What would you say to your children? What would you say
to me- thanks for being so useful? I deserve so much more, and I think I have to go and look for that, even if more is just not being with a man who has never loved me, I need that. Let’s think through how to do this while you’re away and I’ll do some sorting in the house and find a lawyer.

what else can you do? Maybe he will realise it was just a romantic dream of being with her and he is truly the worlds stupidest man. Maybe he won’t.

OP, I really so sorry for the sadness you are clearly experiencing. I think I am married to someone from the same country you are referring to and although our view about love is romantic and a fairytale romance, people from this culture have a very different view and experience of what love actually is. To them love is about commitment, providing and security within the family unit, and my experience of men from this culture (if my guessing if correct) is that things are said in a very blunt factual way, which I know hurts a lot in my own experience. Regarding the other woman (again if there if my suspicions are correct regarding the country), she poses no threat due to how the set up of the culture is and if I was you, I would be reminding myself that he clearly wasn’t “in love” with her otherwise he wouldn’t of left, or he would of paid someone to do his papers, so that he could of gone on to marry her legally or he would of left you as soon as he became legal and to be honest how he feels about her is probably more of a sibling “love” which is common in this culture due to the closeness of the families. I’m not sure how you get past this because obviously you are hurt and your opinion of love is different, and how you feel and what you want matters. I’m happy to chat further if you want to PM me, because I understand how different it can be between the two different cultures xx

I'm not saying you have to read all the posts but it's easy to read all the OP's posts and you would have seen that your 2nd last paragraph had been answered. Several times. And she was getting annoyed that it was repeatedly raised after she had answered. I am sure you were posting from genuine concern for OP and her children but questioning something she has covered already looks like you are questioning her judgement

I’ve read all your posts OP and skimmed the rest.

For me, this would be the end.

The notion of unrequited love or the one that got away isn’t unusual - that’s not the issue. Many people remember a past love, often with rose tinted glasses. And being in a long term relationship esp with DC means that sometimes things are less sparky, and that you have a comfortable companionship. There aren’t many couples who manage to keep those butterflies - but they’re replaced by a deeper love. Different, not less.

But. And this is a very big but…..

Although many people might remember a past love wistfully, and may even consider them as the one that got away……if they were told they only had days left to live, they would want to be with their current partner. The romantic idylls in their head wouldn’t come close to their partner. The fact that you aren’t the person he’d want to spend his dying days with says everything, I’m afraid.

He loves you dutifully but he’s essentially told you that if he had the opportunity he’d walk away as he’s ticked you off his to-do list. He’s been the dutiful husband and a good father - so you have nothing to complain about, right??! Job done.

I think you were right to push. You have the right to know that you are just a familiar and convenient companion, but not someone that he’d wasn’t to spend his dying moments with. I am so bloody sorry. You get to decide how you want your life to play out - but I would want more for myself. I also wouldn’t want the humiliation of knowing that the relationship was just him going through the required motions. I’d be out. Fuck that. I’m 47 so nearly the same age as you. You have so much more life left to enjoy than to waste it on someone who views you as a chore, a task on a list.

Also, don’t feel ashamed. You raised three beautiful DC and you picked a good dad. That’s more than a lot of us manage!!! The fact he’s a shitty husband isn’t your fault. Let him go and give yourself the chance to find genuine happiness. There’s a man out there who’s waiting for you to rock his world.

Big hugs.

*wants to spend his dying moments with

Bloody autocorrect 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

I've done my duty

Did he marry you coz you were pregnant

Kinda sounds like that

She may have been his true love but he wasn't hers or they would have been together

This is a really lovely and wise post and hits the nail on the head. I also have a "one that got away" but I'm also sensible enough to know that even if we had ended up together, the domesticity of life would have meant that the firework stage would have worn off after a while as it always does.

I love my husband and if the world was ending tomorrow I would spend my last day with him. What he said to you was flat out cruel. He basically said he's only with you out of duty and that you're second best. I could not come back from that. I deserve more and SO DO YOU.

My heart aches for you, Jensa.

Not only have you been told that your H has never felt romantic love for you, but he twisted the knife by announcing that he plans to eventually be with this other woman, whom he views as his everlasting love. Being with her is ‘what he wants’ and deserves after fulfilling his agenda of duties to you. This may be wishful thinking on his part, or perhaps something has been said between them during his visits. Maybe he’d just settle for being ‘in her orbit,’ as he is every year for 2 months.

Devastation would be an understatement. I would not stay with such a cold, cruel man who, unbeknownst to you, has viewed your marriage as a transactional duty to get through, thereby robbing your consent and choice to have an emotional and physical union based on mutual love. You didn’t sign up to be used as a companion/workhorse/appliance who will be discarded when all the boxes are checked.

Jensa, I strongly advise you to consult with a solicitor to learn about your options.

I will be honest and say that my husband isn't the love of my life. The love of my life married someone else.

I met my husband and am happily married but the intensity of my feelings aren't quite the same.

What was I supposed to do, stay single and wait for someone who married someone else?

However, I would NEVER admit this to my husband! That's such a horrible thing to do!

So is concealing the truth.

Oh my word that's awful your poor husband

I think if I was in your situation I would tell him I want a trial separation. It’ll give you a chance to see that you’re fine without him and him a chance to miss you and see how much he loves you. If he doesn’t, what have you lost really, you would have an opportunity to be the best coparents for your DC before things turn bitter.
You deserve better OP, give him the chance to see this.

What a shock for you. I think I'd need to know if he loved me at all.

Oh dear. You may feel like you've pushed him into some kind of omission that he didn't want to make, but it's very hurtful to say things like that to your spouse, he didn't need to say them, he's just cruel. I'd divorce him.

Or admission even!

Ahh yes, I see what you mean about him being so calm and factual. It must have hurt hugely. And I really don't think this is a situation you can brush under the carpet like previous generations may have. Your insecurities and resentment would likely grow. I do wonder if the 'boxes' thing of you being in one place and her, another, is slightly cultural. And honestly, when choosing a lifetime partner, it's such a mixture of things.

Because you responded directly back to me, I think I'd like to give you a little on my background as it might give you some insight into my comments and perspective. I'm on my second marriage, and in fact after my first I said I would never marry again. I can truly say my husband is the love of my life and we have all kinds of love (though these naturally go up and down with life events). We've been together 15 years now and things really are amazing. If my current husband said what yours said to me, there's no way I would ever throw this relationship away because of it. We would talk it through, we'd probably end up laughing at some point about how our memories of past relationships can be so wrong and we'd think through together why they weren't together. She didn't move to the UK. This might have been because of family like you said, but some would have regardless for the right person. Their values probably weren't aligned. If that had been the case, infatuation and passion would have likely faded, though he may not have realised this.

I WOULD NEVER have accepted this hurtful conversation from my first husband. I didn't love him to the same extent. We had counselling with relate who agreed we shouldn't stay together (rare apparently and the counsellor said they never usually say this). I'm thankful I got out when I did (before children, but after a miscarriage). But still, the early years after I left were so hard. I didn't throw a relationship away over one event, but really it was over a handful and a feeling things weren't right and I was losing confidence and changing. I wondered in the following very difficult years if I'd ever trust anyone, if I'd been impulsive.

I now know my decision was 100% right. I thought about the counselling to end that marriage in the early years a lot as the counsellor was more sure I should walk away than I was. This is why I recommend you talking it through with a counsellor. Of course the other option in your situation is that you discuss this event and he realises his memories aren't realistic and his love for you deepens and your bond grows.

These forums take a snippet of a life and complete strangers pass on judgements and opinions with certainty. Only you know if your relationship is strong enough to overcome this- I know happy relationships that have overcome similar with counselling (because of my past, friends often open up to me with difficulties). I wish you so much luck and love and future happiness in whatever unfolds and I am sure you will find happiness again if you address this, with your husband or forging your way on a new path.

I love this balanced answer.
People on MN are so quick to throw away a marriage like a dirty tissue. Not thinking about real life, children and the couple hurting

Our current view of marriage in UK culture is really recent and not shared by most of the world. I'd also say it's really unrealistic and a lot of men + women probably feel the same, but being brought up in the UK know better than to admit it to their spouses.

I'm sorry he has been so blunt.

He really twisted the knife didn't he.

As others said have a serious think while he's gone.
It'd be shit if you were to get ill and stopped being a good wife appliance and he just fucked off.

Apparently many of us don't marry our perfect loves - circumstances and all that, but it was rather tactless of him to say so out loud. I imagine he didn't realise how hurtful it would be to say so.

That must have been tough to hear

You need to think about this long and hard.

Can you continue being second best? You can't compete with a fantasy (which is what she is, he obviously loved her , she didn't love him otherwise she would have been with him ).

He has built her into something that isn't real in his head the reality is nothing like

I pressed send too early

He clearly does love you. There are many kinds of love.

Yours is the reality she is the fantasy

Reading all your posts, I'm afraid I'm going to be harsh here and defend your husband.

He's only saying what is obvious and what you've always known.

At 35 you met a man of 26 who was in your country illegally, and started a family. He wanted a legal reason and a better life, you wanted someone prepared to father children straight away.

How exactly did you think it was going to pan out?

To be honest, it's probably unusual that he's still on the scene, unless you pay for everything.

Let's face it , you asked a question you knew the answer to ..you can't be that shocked or devastated surely?

I find this very sad op. Mind boggling that people Can read something like this and try to find something worse, will he run off with th4 kids, is he having an affair, when it’s clear those aren’t the issues or concerns, but they want to make it worse than it is. Like it’s not bad enough.

what gets me is his arrogance and entitlement . If he had limited time he’d be with her. Really? She gets no say? She’s married, a child. Highly likely she’d not remotely want him. But he thinks she’s there for his taking if he chooses.

there is an inherent misogyny there. You are simply fulfilling one role. The role he chose to cast you in. She’s another and if he chooses to be with her he could. An arrogant misogynistic man, I’m not surprised you say clashes with your daughter. Likely the same route cause.

I think read again, there is 7 years between them