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Original poster

That I’m not DH “true love”

666 replies

Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 20:00

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 05/08/2023 00:22

Yes a lot/most of us have a person we loved with fireworks, who we didn't up with.

The difference is, you just don't say that to your spouse.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 05/08/2023 00:24

Do you want to stay in the relationship?

Original poster
Jensajenning · 05/08/2023 00:25

I think I am struggling the most with the compartmentalising he must have done , how he does that - how I compare with her I suppose in his eyes I’m not sure …
The one thing I can’t stop thinking about and I’ve said it here is that is it me as a person or simply me who does everything so he doesn’t ever have to worry about home .

I didn’t feel any love when he said what he did about being his companion, his wife , his etc I felt like you would about your grandmother or your auntie

OP posts:
Tawnyowlette · 05/08/2023 00:27

porridgeisbae · 05/08/2023 00:02

He didn’t have to come to this country, though, did he? He chose to leave the other woman - left her and let her down.

@Tawnyowlette What gives you that impression? I assumed she split with him or he would still be with her, based on what he's said about her being his true love.

Some people are really motivated by material advancement and I can imagine that for some guys that's enough reason for them to come to the UK (especially if they have a culture of sending money back to their parents etc, anyway.)

I don’t know if she didn’t want him enough or not . From what his brothers wife told me who is here she’s an only child and she couldn’t leave her parents to come to the uncertainty of the UK .

FuckNuggets · 05/08/2023 00:29

Doggymummar · 04/08/2023 21:58

I m not sure how people are so worked up about this. Most of us have the one that got away don't we? I know I do. I was married for 20 years and would have left at the drop of a hat if he had become available.

I'm with someone else now and I don't think of the one that got away anymore. I thought we settled at a certain age for the stability and companionship of someone else.

God, settling for stability and companionship. You make romantic relationships sound like a chore. No, we don't all have one that got away. I never let mine get away, I married him.

WineIsMyMainVice · 05/08/2023 00:30

What has really struck me about your op is how you seem to be blaming yourself a lot. Please don’t do this. You are in an awful position here, but it’s not your making.
Your post is really sad. I feel for you. It must have been an awful conversation to have. But well done for pushing it to get to the truth and not brushing it under the carpet. That was a brave thing to do.
Whatever happens next op, good luck for the future. And stay strong.

ItsNotRocketSalad · 05/08/2023 00:38

@ItsNotRocketSalad yes I have no doubt he meant it . I shouldn’t have pushed I own that but it was like drawing blood from a stone .

I'm sorry. Flowers My post wasn't suggesting you were at fault for pushing (I don't think you were), I just wanted to make it wasn't something he said to shut down the conversation.

Hillsmakeyoustrong · 05/08/2023 00:49

So, so sorry OP. I personally would have to release him from his sense of obligation towards me. Even if he had immediately apologised and i had felt there was more heat than truth to his statements, it would still take me a very long time to heal. But to say all that and then nothing...it would feel as though a huge crack had appeared in our foundation. The kids will only get older and you will revert to being a couple again...

How do you think he would feel or react if the roles were reversed. Would he be as calm and matter of fact if he was on the receiving end? Genuine question.

So sorry.

Treesinmygarden · 05/08/2023 00:54

I've only read your posts mostly @Jensajenning but I don't think this is irretrievable.

I had a "one who got away" but life goes on, and you make of it what you will. I think he was very cruel to say what he did, and I don't know why he did that. You and he are real as a couple, as a family, and that was also his choice!

He is living in cloud cuckoo land because this is just a fantasy. Same as my one who got away married (would you believe it, the actual same fucking day I married my DH!!!) she has moved on. He is chasing a dream. You are his reality.

I think when he gets home you should go for couples therapy. Establish if this yearning really stands in the way of your relationship/your family, or if you can move past it.

He isn't living in reality, any more than I am when I imagine meeting up with the OWGA and him falling for me all over again. Your little family is worth fighting for xx

aloris · 05/08/2023 01:07

Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 22:01

@Highdaysandholidays1 thank you for your thoughtful reply , yes I think it is a case of can I accept being in this position because I know him - if he said it - he meant it . He genuinely must believe that I can’t complain because he is right in a way he has done everything he’s said .

I'm not sure I'm following you here. Him saying that he has "done his duty" towards you, it's as if he married you because he had a moral obligation to marry you. Was it an arranged marriage where you were both forced into it by your parents? Were you destitute and you had a mutual agreement that he would marry you to get you out of poverty? Were you in danger of being thrown out of your home because you were pregnant? If yes, then it might make sense for him to say that he has "done his duty" towards you by clothing and feeding you and raising children together etc. But if you both entered into the marriage freely, then how does any of this add up to him doing his duty towards you?

I would argue the opposite. He has absolutely broken your trust here, by lying to you throughout your marriage, and leading you to offer him your love when he wasn't returning the same. He has deprived you of the opportunity to find someone for whom you were "first best" instead of second best. He's made you feel like you don't deserve to be truly loved. He's led you to build your life with him, have children with him, even be physically intimate with him, and then cruelly told you that he would abandon you if things were bad.

I think you have every right to complain. In fact, the fact that he so callously acts as if you don't, IMO that's what's the real problem here.

GarlicGrace · 05/08/2023 01:15

Since parts of this conversation seem to be going round in circles:

  1. OP's husband still sees his childhood sweetheart: she's a family friend from the same village. It's not some long-ago fantasy crystallised by time. She is now married locally.
  2. His country was in conflict at the time he left. He made a decision to try & make something of himself elsewhere, having few options. His girlfriend had to stay & look after her parents, so their relationship ended.
  3. OP & DH weren't having a row when this emerged: he laughed at a comment about teenage love, then volunteered that he was never in love with OP. To her credit, it still didn't turn into a row but instead a very painful (for her) chat in which he matter-of-factly provided further detail.
aloris · 05/08/2023 01:33

Stravaig · 04/08/2023 23:12

Gosh. Hugs, OP. You've really brought your world down on yourself. And for what? An arguably silly romantic ideal of a 'one true love' who may not even exist. DH may be younger in years, but he sounds more mature, realistic and grounded than you.

You have had a relationship with DH based on genuine and steadfast love in action, love as a verb, love expressed through building and sharing a life together as partners and co-parents. That is real. So, why the self-sabotage? Your relentless goading, driving him to an outburst he may not even mean, and has never chosen to express, or act upon.

I think you need to reflect on whatever has been bubbling within you that motivated this. Take ownership of your own (long-standing?) dissatisfactions with the relationship, and with DH as a husband and father. You are not a victim in this; you have been a willing participant thus far, and you are very much the instigator of the present crisis. It is fine if your marriage is no longer right for you, or not enough for you. That is your choice to make.

If you can, I would enlist a therapist to help you figure things out - prioritise individual sessions for yourself.

I hope you all find your way through as gently as possible x

This is an incredibly silly reply. Wishful thinking even. If her DH had said, "I'll never forget my first love, but you and I have built a meaningful life together and we have real love right here," then this thread wouldn't exist. Instead, her DH started with "that's love" and him saying: No. Then he moved on to telling her she's not his true love, twisted the knife by saying that he had known true love and lost it, and set fire to his marriage by saying that if he only had a short time to live he would abandon his wife and go be with another woman.

If he actually loved OP, I don't think he would ever have said any of this. Not to mention, at no point in any of this does he say he loves her, in any way. The best he's offering here is duty. What woman wants that? Yuck.

Go have a word with yourself.

user1492757084 · 05/08/2023 01:33

I would try to dismiss this.

You pushed and pushed for truth.
Life is full of people who experience unrequited love. Very often people break up from someone who feels totally in love with them.

These are your husbands inner most feelings - which you demanded he form quickly, voice and share. They are just that - his feelings - and they might not be how it really is.

The woman from long ago might not feel at all the same.
You heard your husband's story of first love and a broken heart.

You were/are his destiny but you can never be his first love.
You have made an old tender memory and a loving commitment a tustle with each other - the past with reality.
I can see how he is angry because you are attacking his honesty and making fun ofhis commitment to your future.

I would be cherishing your family and making warm and happy memories with confidence in your husbands feelings towards you.

Do you ever go back and immerse yourself in his family?
Do your children witness you loving their culture?
Some partners would see that as a clear point of contention and lack of true love, yours obviously not. People take offence at different things.
Get over it.

Be in the present, acknowledge YOUR partner and his feelings and honesty. He is not an ideal or an average or a generic husband. He is a real person and your relationship is real, non generic and it is what it is. It is solid.

Find a way back.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 05/08/2023 01:41

WomanHereHear · 04/08/2023 23:34

I haven’t read all the comments but to me the true love part is irrelevant. I had an arranged married and it might not be ‘true love’ to some people but it’s a hell of lot more healthy, respectful fun than the so called true loves I was with. The real problem is he has told you he’d rather be with someone else if he was given the choice.

What was he like when he married you? Did him coming to the U.K. depend on him being married to you? Does he contribute equally to the family, or is he taking advantage of you.

also depending on which country it is I would be weary about him taking your children abroad without you. Read up on the laws on his home country to check if there is anything to worry about if he decides not to let them return.

I would not want to be with someone who has matter of fact told me he’d rather be with someone else. Nah. Imagine you said the same to him. Do you think he would be okay with that?

You don't need to read all the comments but not reading all the OP's comments makes the last half of your post irrelevant and rude. She has covered this over and over and over...

DramaticBananas · 05/08/2023 01:48

You are both clearly devoted to your children and have a comfortable life together and companionship. You need to decide if this is enough for you or if you want to pursue a more romantic love with someone else (in time). Or if you want to be in a relationship at all! You say you have sisters, at 40 something and with 3 DC, I may be tempted to discover all the other things the world has to offer when you're not stressing over a man.

You can't make someone love you, and I feel your intense hurt that this isn't how he feels. You both now have some time apart, which is good. Things may become clearer away from all the high emotion. You've both invested time in raising a happy family and can be proud of that.

WomanHereHear · 05/08/2023 01:51

Someoneonlyyouknow · 05/08/2023 01:41

You don't need to read all the comments but not reading all the OP's comments makes the last half of your post irrelevant and rude. She has covered this over and over and over...

Show quote history

That makes most of this thread irrelevant as it’s Op’s feelings that matter which is why she started this thread. I don’t have time to read every page but I am free comment. Nothing rude about what I’ve said at all. I think it is you and a few others that are rude for policing my comments. I’m not even asking her opinion on what I’m saying, just stating my opinion. I’m sure OP expected lots of different replies as is the case on a public forum 🤦‍♀️

nalabae · 05/08/2023 02:02

This is horrible to hear he should have never told you this

brooksmantila · 05/08/2023 02:22

I think your husband is being ridiculous suggesting that some failed relationship from his past is his "true love". I'd suggest he has no understanding of what love actually means. It sounds to me like he got dumped and is still sore, wounded male pride at worst and is projecting every fantasy and what if onto someone who probably never gives him a second thought or if they do shudders at the thought.

I don't actually believe he does love this other person from his past but imagining he does, that she was his one that got away is very emotionally immature, it's pathetic really. He needs to remove his head from his arsehole pronto and apologise to you or get the fuck out. Christ, next he'll be telling you his real mum is a Princess!

AngryBirdsNoMore · 05/08/2023 02:30

WomanHereHear · 05/08/2023 00:01

Ok he came over illegally. I knew it as the type that does this feels he owes the woman after he’s used her to get his foot in the door. Sorry op but you must’ve known deep down how he really felt.

What? Where does she say he entered the UK illegally? She just says he didn’t have a British passport, she doesn’t say he didn’t have a visa.

WomanHereHear · 05/08/2023 02:31

Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 23:43

I will clear up something I didn’t plan to just because of how often it’s been mentioned or variations.
He came over illegally, in her defence which I don’t even know why I am but I’m not sure I would either and have complete understanding of anyone who choses not to take that risk .

I understand what is being said about “what is love” and it’s a “fairytale” but to be loved I don’t think is . To be valued for what you do rather than who you are when you genuinely love the person can you not imagine how painful that is even if you have brought it on yourself … I’ve always felt comfortable with him , that I could be myself - in 24hours I feel like I’ve lost that .

Here you go. Ffs.

AngryBirdsNoMore · 05/08/2023 02:32

Apologies just seen, I misread a post - sorry.

WomanHereHear · 05/08/2023 02:32

@AngryBirdsNoMore

Mikimoto · 05/08/2023 02:32

Isn't this simply another version of the wild flame that
never lasted vs the good person one hopefully ends up with?

I'd say something nice to the husband before he leaves ("I just wanted you to know I've always been happy with you and our family"...rather than stoking him into anger just before bumping into old flame again!

May09Bump · 05/08/2023 02:39

Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 21:56

@May09Bump I can’t help but find this insinuation insulting - but no for the last time he would never ever abandon his children in a country he left because he wanted more for himself . Why would he resign them to a future he didn’t want for himself ? Not even to punish me would that happen . And the children believe me are fully able to come back early if they wanted too , they won’t .
His parents and sisters and family etc dote on them . I love that they know both sides of their history and where they come from and are bilingual.

Fair enough - but given his recent revelations, how well do you know him and his intentions. Not sure what " I love that they know both sides of their history and where they come from and are bilingual" is going - we are also bilingual and dual nationality. The fact they are so loved by their wider family often increases the risk of children being taken out of the country on a permanent basis. Not going to get into a mumsnet squabble - good luck on whatever you decide.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 05/08/2023 02:54

DramaticBananas · 05/08/2023 01:48

You are both clearly devoted to your children and have a comfortable life together and companionship. You need to decide if this is enough for you or if you want to pursue a more romantic love with someone else (in time). Or if you want to be in a relationship at all! You say you have sisters, at 40 something and with 3 DC, I may be tempted to discover all the other things the world has to offer when you're not stressing over a man.

You can't make someone love you, and I feel your intense hurt that this isn't how he feels. You both now have some time apart, which is good. Things may become clearer away from all the high emotion. You've both invested time in raising a happy family and can be proud of that.

I like this response. You don’t have to rush to do anything. You could just pretend the conversation didn’t happen. Enjoy the next few years of life with him knowing how he feels and try to make peace with it. Once your DD is a bit older you can decide if you want to leave, or if you are happy to stay.

But ending the relationship once he gets back is also ok if that’s what you want. But there is no rush to do anything.

I would make sure your ducks are in row in case the decision is made for you.

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