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Original poster

That I’m not DH “true love”

666 replies

Jensajenning · 04/08/2023 20:00

Together 15 years , 3 DC and shouldn’t it be that I am his true love. But I’m not - apparently our love is companionship, it’s family, it’s parents to our kids , it’s him keeping the promises and vows he’s made - but it’s not true love or rather I’m not who he sees as his true love . I know how this sounds but it genuinely wasn’t said to hurt me I don’t think. It was said so matter of fact as if that’s just the way it is .

Last night he was packing to go back to his home country as he does every august , (I don’t go because I can’t bear the heat- esp this year) he’s taking our 2 older dc so l was sat on the bed talking to him about how eldest DD is still not keen wanting to spend the summer with her friends instead . He made a comment more like she wanted to spend the summer with her boyfriend , and I laughed and said but that’s love don’t you remember feeling that way at the start and he said no .
I admit now I know our relationship has never been passionate fireworks on his end but I hoped even though I suppose in a way I knew even back then I wasn’t his first choice. That I was there more at the right time , and to be fair being 7 years older he came along at the right time for me - but I did and do love him .

His answer still shocked me in the moment and I said have you ever felt that way and he clearly didn’t want to continue but I pushed and started to talk about it didn’t matter as true love is the one that lasts past that stage , that carries on once you were in thick of things and came out the other end like we have .

I suppose I was seeking reassurance , but instead he sighed and said what he did - that I was his companion, his wife , his family , the mother to his children etc but not his true love . He said true love was different and he’d known that and lost it and accepted this was his deal . That life wasn’t fair like that , you can have the wife , the kids , the house , the money , the holidays but you didn’t get everything .

I should have left it there but I didn’t - I didn’t because I wanted to know who he would say it was or if he would admit it was who I thought .
Like I’ve said I had felt I was more the right time, and there was someone particular before me . She’s from his home town , is still friends with his sisters, and I know he sees her whenever he visits home. I met her when we married, and heard the rumours about her and their history from his brothers wife since .
I know he isn’t having an affair - she’s married with a child and they ended as she wouldn’t leave to come to the UK -but i wondered if it was her as he’d never spoken of her except once when we first met .

He wouldn’t admit it all he would say was that he’s never not done his duty by me or treated me poorly so he didn’t think I had room to complain.
It spiralled - he would have happily ended the conversation but I couldn’t stop , it was almost like I wanted to hurt myself I can’t explain it any other way , like I needed the pain to believe it because his demeanour was so calm and casual as if we were talking about what to buy from the shops …

He got angry in the end when I kept bringing her name up and how if that was love why didn’t she follow him and why was she married now and he said

“If I was told I had a day , a week, a month left to live I’d go and be with her , I would tell you I’ve done my duty , I kept my promises so now it’s my time to have what I want and I’d go to her - yes that’s it are you happy now”

He stormed out after that and didn’t come to bed and today he’s barely spoken to me . They leave for the airport in a few hours and I don’t know what to say to anyone - how can I come back from this - I wish I had never pushed - but I can’t comprehend how he has compartmentalised his life like that …

OP posts:
Bootsandbooks · 04/08/2023 23:59

OP it would be so so selfish of you to go and divorce your husband, end what seems to be otherwise a good relationship with a dutiful husband and upend your three children’s lives over this whilst you go and seek out what your version of “true love” is with another man.

Not saying you can never leave this man if you do want to do that, but to make this sort of rash decision in the space of time that he’s away on a holiday in reaction to some hurtful words that he said in the heat of an argument will permanently ruin your children’s lives. If you still want to go and do that, then divorce when they’ve finished school and left home.

GoingGoingUp · 04/08/2023 23:59

EmmetEmma · 04/08/2023 23:54

@GoingGoingUp I read it that OP made a jokey comment and his response shocked her and so she asked more questions - perhaps hoping for reassurance as he is emotionally distant.

Maybe he wasn’t trying to hurt her and just told her the plain truth - but in that case what he said is still awful but something she probably does have a right to know.

OP is not in the wrong for asking questions when her husband denies feeling any initial flutters of love when they started their relationship - he started the conversation by saying that

I’m probably projecting but I would do the same as OP, in that I would want to know more and I would push and push to the point I got my answer. And by that I don’t mean just ask but I mean not let the matter drop until DH tells me whatever it is I’m pushing him on.

Hence why I can completely see a situation where he didn’t intend to hurt her, he made a thoughtless comment which OP pushed and pushed on until he snapped. And he was too honest and too cruel in doing so.

WomanHereHear · 05/08/2023 00:01

Ok he came over illegally. I knew it as the type that does this feels he owes the woman after he’s used her to get his foot in the door. Sorry op but you must’ve known deep down how he really felt.

porridgeisbae · 05/08/2023 00:02

He didn’t have to come to this country, though, did he? He chose to leave the other woman - left her and let her down.

@Tawnyowlette What gives you that impression? I assumed she split with him or he would still be with her, based on what he's said about her being his true love.

Some people are really motivated by material advancement and I can imagine that for some guys that's enough reason for them to come to the UK (especially if they have a culture of sending money back to their parents etc, anyway.)

WomanHereHear · 05/08/2023 00:03

SadieOlsen · 04/08/2023 23:51

Ahh, so he came here illegally and the girlfriend decided not to. That changes everything.
He thinks laws and rules don't apply to him like they apply to other people. He'll sneak into the country, duck and weave. So much for "duty". God knows what he gets up to that OP knows nothing about. He compartmentalises and fuck the rules - he will get what he wants. I would be off.

👍

blueshoes · 05/08/2023 00:04

WomanHereHear · 05/08/2023 00:01

Ok he came over illegally. I knew it as the type that does this feels he owes the woman after he’s used her to get his foot in the door. Sorry op but you must’ve known deep down how he really felt.

What do you mean by this?

That OP should just suck it up because Mr Illegal Immigrant used her as a green card and was too cunning not to tell her upfront but misled her for 15 years whilst she committed herself to raising their 3 dcs and facilitating his business in the UK?

Yeah, her fault to allow herself to be used. How can you possibly expect a man to behave honourably and decently.

More victim blaming bullshit.

porridgeisbae · 05/08/2023 00:06

I’m probably projecting but I would do the same as OP, in that I would want to know more and I would push and push to the point I got my answer. And by that I don’t mean just ask but I mean not let the matter drop until DH tells me whatever it is I’m pushing him on.

And there's also the subtext that OP's always rightly suspected he was into his ex in a big way.

Hence why I can completely see a situation where he didn’t intend to hurt her, he made a thoughtless comment which OP pushed and pushed on until he snapped. And he was too honest and too cruel in doing so.

He was too honest and thoughtless/cruel even with just the first bit. A bloke would only say that if he assumed the woman will stick around no matter what he says.

WomanHereHear · 05/08/2023 00:06

blueshoes · 05/08/2023 00:04

What do you mean by this?

That OP should just suck it up because Mr Illegal Immigrant used her as a green card and was too cunning not to tell her upfront but misled her for 15 years whilst she committed herself to raising their 3 dcs and facilitating his business in the UK?

Yeah, her fault to allow herself to be used. How can you possibly expect a man to behave honourably and decently.

More victim blaming bullshit.

Show quote history

No read my pp before getting on your high horse. I’m saying it can’t have come as a surprise given it’s 2023 and everyone knows someone duped by this sort of man. Or maybe where I’m from it’s common.

Original poster
Jensajenning · 05/08/2023 00:07

@GoingGoingUp @EmmetEmma I think you are both right . I pushed for something and got told the truth but probably more than he planned .

I genuinely don’t think he said any of it to be purposefully cruel or hurtful . He is a very bluntly honest person , not very tactful obviously and never has been .

OP posts:
blueshoes · 05/08/2023 00:09

WomanHereHear · 05/08/2023 00:06

No read my pp before getting on your high horse. I’m saying it can’t have come as a surprise given it’s 2023 and everyone knows someone duped by this sort of man. Or maybe where I’m from it’s common.

Show quote history

Could be where you are from.

EmmetEmma · 05/08/2023 00:09

OP I am so sorry you must be hurting so much and have a million thoughts jumping in your mind.

I hope so much he comes and gives you a hug and apologises before he leaves

Original poster
Jensajenning · 05/08/2023 00:09

I’m not responding to comments about the legalities of him entering the uk or peoples opinions about it for the very reason I didn’t want to say that originally… Bcos the spite behind some of them esp ones who mentioned him running off with our children is very clear

OP posts:
Judelawswife68 · 05/08/2023 00:11

OP, is this really a shock to you or has it just confirmed to you what you suspected?

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 05/08/2023 00:11

rileynexttime · 04/08/2023 20:33

I'm so sorry OP.
In your shoes I would have kept on asking as well.
But.... There's more than one type of love and I don't believe that he doesn't love you . He's comparing his feelings for you to a rose tinted version of what he thinks could have been . She obviously didn't reciprocate his love or she would have followed .
It's so easy , so seductive to fall into the trap of the one that got away and imagining a great thwarted love.
He's awful to have spoken to you like that.

.

This.
Have you ever bumped into an ex you were desperately inlove with. Someone you thought about all the time, when you were together you wanted to fuse your bodies together and when they weren’t around your heart would literally ache. Then you bump into them years later and the feeling is gone. It’s like that person you loved so much has been replaced with someone who looks the same, but isn’t the one from your memories.
He is remembering something from his teenage years, looking back with rose tinted glasses at something that no longer exists, and probably what he is remembering is very romanticised.

It’s a good thing that he is going away. Think about what you want to do.

Original poster
Jensajenning · 05/08/2023 00:12

@EmmetEmma he won’t . The conversation is done in his eyes - a like it or lump it kind of deal. I got what I asked for ultimately didn’t I … I wish I could switch off and sleep but I won’t , and I can’t really till I see them off so I’m sitting here rewatching SOA … thank you though for being so kind and respectful and that goes to other posters too .

OP posts:
Oatycookies · 05/08/2023 00:12

Jensajenning · 05/08/2023 00:09

I’m not responding to comments about the legalities of him entering the uk or peoples opinions about it for the very reason I didn’t want to say that originally… Bcos the spite behind some of them esp ones who mentioned him running off with our children is very clear

That’s understandable. I like that you still are happy for your kids to embrace both sides of their culture which is as it should be.

FWIW irrespective of his motivations for marrying you, which we may never know, I don’t think there’s anything to suggest the kids are unsafe there? IMO if you marry someone from another country you need to be prepared for them to go over there with the kids as that’s half their heritage. If you don’t like the idea of that stick with a “local bloke” simple.

WomanHereHear · 05/08/2023 00:13

Jensajenning · 05/08/2023 00:09

I’m not responding to comments about the legalities of him entering the uk or peoples opinions about it for the very reason I didn’t want to say that originally… Bcos the spite behind some of them esp ones who mentioned him running off with our children is very clear

It’s not spite my dear. It is advice coming from a good place. But yes I’m evil so I shall shut up. Good luck.

blueshoes · 05/08/2023 00:14

Jensajenning · 05/08/2023 00:07

@GoingGoingUp @EmmetEmma I think you are both right . I pushed for something and got told the truth but probably more than he planned .

I genuinely don’t think he said any of it to be purposefully cruel or hurtful . He is a very bluntly honest person , not very tactful obviously and never has been .

Sorry OP, you did not ask him who he wanted to be with if he was told he had a day , a week, a month left to live.

He came up with that coup de grace all by himself.

Original poster
Jensajenning · 05/08/2023 00:15

@Judelawswife68 i think if I’m as bluntly honest with myself as he was then maybe you have a point that’s it’s something I perhaps subconsciously thought about sometimes which is why I had to push so hard after he made the initial comment .

I how ever didn’t expect the answer I got and would have never guessed how he saw me …

OP posts:
EmmetEmma · 05/08/2023 00:16

I’m so sorry @Jensajenning

i hope your thoughts calm after they’ve left and something forms of how you want to steer it in the future.

I agree with the poster who says that he would miss you in a second if you left - I really hope you feel your huge value

porridgeisbae · 05/08/2023 00:16

He is a very bluntly honest person , not very tactful obviously and never has been .

He's never said this outright before though, so he can choose not to say things when he feels he needs to.

It could be that as you're getting older he feels even more that he can talk to you like this.

Masterofhappydays · 05/08/2023 00:17

Oh OP, this is heartbreaking.

How do you feel about him? Is he the love of your life?

Sometimes people don’t realise what they have until it’s gone, they just take it for granted and don’t really acknowledge how precious something is or appreciate it until it’s gone. I wonder if it’s like that for him? He just takes for granted you’re there and doesn’t realise how much he does love, need and desires you? He also may be viewing this lady who he thinks is his “one” through a lens of how it used to be, when he was younger with no responsibility etc. He may have made her feel at the time how he makes you feel now?

You might leave him and he might get a shock awakening of how much he loves and needs you. But it’s not about him, it’s about you.

Different cultural backgrounds also view marriage differently too. Some are based on passion and mutual ideologies and some are based on being a smart decision. Eg some people marry for heart and some people marry for head.

What do you want?

Thebirdhouse · 05/08/2023 00:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Absolutely this.

I am thinking of ALL the couples I know well enough to have been at their weddings. Every one of the people I was/am friends who I knew before they got married, had a 'true love' before they met their spouse yet ended up marrying 'their best friend'. Every single one.

Original poster
Jensajenning · 05/08/2023 00:20

@Oatycookies thank you and I agree with you . I love how much they generally all enjoy going and the experiences they have . They know the truth of how their father came here , and why , and the history of his country and how it effected his own family - they deserve to know that side of their heritage just as much as they do their British family .

OP posts:
JennyJenny8675309 · 05/08/2023 00:22

I can only think of one of my married friends who is “in love” with their spouse. Most married women I know are married for the children and companionship. Probably financial stability, too. It’s typically not passionate and not “true love” even at the beginning. None of them would talk to their spouse the way your husband did to you. That was unbelievably cruel and unnecessary.