Grandchildren's eating habits AIBU?

[Sausagenbacon]

I love my grandson, but feel irritated about his eating habits. I'm posting here to see if this behaviour is the new normal and I'm being picky.
He's 6. I cooked a meal for them yesterday - a bit of salad and some tortellini, with sauce to add if they wanted to i.e. deliberately bland (but this applies to all meals we have with them).
So, firstly, he doesn't sit down at the table, but kneels or leans. Then he takes a mouth or two, and then wanders off. Then, a few minutes later, he reappears and might take a bit more, or, if what he wants is gone, gets given something else, like toast.
and then, about 30 minutes later, he'll want some of the pudding. And get given it.
I always used to say (when I had children) that you didn't get pudding if you hadn't eaten at least some of the main course and, once you'd got down from the table, that was it and you had to wait until the next meal.
Parenting is hard enough, without making it harder than needs be.
AIBU?

Six isn't little! He'll eat at a table at school, so he's able to do it. And if that's how things are done at grandma's, that's what kids will do.

What happens at grandma's doesn't have to be policed strictly and sternly. I've never needed to tell my DGD off for anything. I eat with her so if she asks to get up before she's eaten much, I just say, perfectly calmly and with a smile "not just yet, I'm still eating my lunch. How about you have a bit more of your sandwich while you're waiting?". She's not remotely upset by me saying that and sometimes does eat a bit more.

There are plenty of mums on this thread with young children who are in agreement with these 'old fashioned' practices, so I'm not convinced that they're that old fashioned.

Also a GP and not much of a fan of the new (lack of) rules around eating habits and manners. Thankfully neither are my DC so I'm largely spared it other than from children of friends.
I'm sure the approach is based in some theory or other that makes a child's wishes paramount at all times on pain of some terrible future psychological damage, that there's no such thing as bad behaviour only unmet needs, that children self regulate their eating, and something or other about brain development.
However having also raised children to adulthood with rules about table manners, dinner before dessert etc without any harm done, I understand your frustration.

I wish I had the money to send mine to a private kindergarten like in Scandinavia so that they never have to rote learn a thing until they are 7!

Ok I work in one of those kindergartens in Scandinavia (25 years) and they are not private btw. Can I just say that there is no way on earth the childen could wander around whilst eating their (delicious and free) food. Even our 1,5 year-olds eat with knifes and forks (they are given spoons too). They wait their turn to out their own food on their plate. They wait their turn to talk if one of their friends are saying something. They are taught sign language and can make themselves understood that way if they can’t yet speak. Our oldest 5- and 6- year olds do the same. You’d often never know there were 20 kids having lunch if you walked in. They wait until everyone at their table are finished, say thank you for the food ang go and wash their hands (nicely once again waiting for their turn). I work with 1-6 year olds.

But also - your house, your rules. At Gran’s house he’ll have to sit nicely, not get down and eat what’s on offer.

*put their food, not out

🙄

I dont think you're being unreasonable at all to expect a six year old to have basic table manners and I wouldn't accept any child getting up and wandering around during a meal at my house. I don't think you've got any say in what how his parents choose to let him behave at home but in your house then i think you can make your expectations clear.

No, my children don’t get messy hands from eating. We chat together and “bond”. They ask if they can leave the table at some point and I say yes usually.

what’s with all the horror screaming faces? I have managed to have children with lovely table manners without all the drama you seem to feel about it. Children will get more out of family mealtimes if they aren’t associated with lots of stress like you seem to feel

I'm with you. I really struggled as a child to eat. I didn't always have an appetite and to have a cooked lunch (rather just a sandwich or soup) would have made me feel sick. I didn't like eating at other people's houses either really. I'm now a 'normal' eater although veggie (I always disliked meat which contributed to the fussiness). I sympathise when I see children struggling with food but I think they will grow out of it with time and patience. In your situation op I'd probably just ask them to bring a packed lunch for your grandson.

This is nonsense. English children all over England sit at a table and eat meals, it’s not remotely rare. Or are you on a deliberate windup?

I have no skin in this game, I’m half French so my children have naturally inherited the good table manners that all French children have

Yes, exactly this.

I agree with you - no advice but it's infuriating. My friend's son does this all the time. Horrendous eating habits. Won't sit at the table, wonders off, goes on a tablet with the sound on loud volume etc. We used to have them over for dinner and he'd go and help himself to food from the cupboard/fridge (really!) like biscuits and crisps and cakes before I served dinner and then obviously not eat his actual dinner and go off and sit on the sofa. We stopped having them round unfortunately.
We then tried going out for a meal with them - huge mistake! I've never been more embarrassed by a child's behaviour. It was a "nice place" and he was running over to other diners and
His mum was then shocked when school called her in for a meeting as his table habits at lunchtime was so appalling. They won't have that kind of behaviour at most schools ime.

@Cosycover

Hes 6.

My kids don't need to sit and finish a meal. They can wander if they want. They can eat it for hours if they choose.

What is the big deal?#

It's basic respect - if someone has taken the time and trouble to prepare a meal, I like to think that I've been bought up with enough decency to sit down and appreciate it.

I wouldn't accept any child getting up and wandering around during a meal at my house But what would not accepting it actually look like in practice - would you banish them, or punish them, or refuse to feed them??

My kids sat at the table and that would be my preference but when I am a GP, I will have to accept they are not my children.

In the grand scheme of things, who gives a shit.

Every generation gets something "wrong" when it comes to parenting. Only time will tell really who got it "right". Most of us are just doing what we think is best for our child.

@saraclara my 2 year old eats at the table, eats most foods, doesn't get down and back up again..: but I think it's all down to chance to am extent and not a hill to die on.

I strongly disagree with "if you don't eat your dinner you don't get pudding" but then pudding here tends to be fruit / full fat yoghurt with a home made unsweetened yoghurt and fruit purée (one benefit to be weaning the baby!) I don't want to engender food issues

You are not being unreasonable about the wandering. And I won't comment on the food choices. But in our house we have always insisted on our DCs asking politely to leave the table when they are done (from younger than 6) on the proviso they know they have had enough and won't be allowed back at the table. Most of our friends have done this too. Honestly - it was done more to give us a bit of adult time to chat and relax so win win as far as we're concerned. It has really paid off with our older DC too. It is very noticeable which kids have had table manners drummed into them and those that haven't when they come round to visit or we go out. Luckily most are OK!

Our 9yo just isn’t interested in food. We let him leave the table so long as he’s eaten and made some conversation.
I was the same at his age. It was boring sitting there waiting for the adults to finish. As I got older my DGPs would sometimes allow reading during supper. I loved that.

I am a TA and we have issues like this at school. We just say, “At school we sit at the table and don’t wander”.
Same goes for swearing or hitting (sadly these are often allowed at hone). We just say “At school we don’t use those words/hit etc.
We also try and encourage them to think how other children might feel as often at home it’s all about the child and that they can do/have whatever they want.
It’s very sad actually.

Also so many don’t seem to even have a table to sit together and eat. I can understand if it’s lack of space though.

This would totally get on my wick...
Not a GP yet, but it'll be my house my rules with this sort of thing when the time comes.
I fully intend to follow guidance on how my DC want to parent their own children, however I believe good table manners are a very basic human skill..

My own DC know me enough to know they'll be expected to follow my rules with their children in my house.

Still nonsense. Are you having fun?