Grandchildren's eating habits AIBU?

[Sausagenbacon]

I love my grandson, but feel irritated about his eating habits. I'm posting here to see if this behaviour is the new normal and I'm being picky.
He's 6. I cooked a meal for them yesterday - a bit of salad and some tortellini, with sauce to add if they wanted to i.e. deliberately bland (but this applies to all meals we have with them).
So, firstly, he doesn't sit down at the table, but kneels or leans. Then he takes a mouth or two, and then wanders off. Then, a few minutes later, he reappears and might take a bit more, or, if what he wants is gone, gets given something else, like toast.
and then, about 30 minutes later, he'll want some of the pudding. And get given it.
I always used to say (when I had children) that you didn't get pudding if you hadn't eaten at least some of the main course and, once you'd got down from the table, that was it and you had to wait until the next meal.
Parenting is hard enough, without making it harder than needs be.
AIBU?

I don't think a a lot of parent's do the pudding as a reward thing anymore - things have changed

He's 6. I cooked a meal for them yesterday

I'd be fucked off if someone got up and wandered around at a meal time

He sounds like my middle child (and also me as a child) we both have neurological issues so very short attention spans, my kid can forget he is eating mid chew.

We aren't 'bad' and I can tell you now being 'forced' has never once helped anyone, ignorant ablism is not the cure or fix to a kid thats inattentive. Its a almost always a symptom, not as simple as 'rudeness'.

Good table manners are about more than just good table manners!

I have a six year old. He's not picky and not allowed to get down and wander off halfway through a meal but I listen to him if he tells me he's full.

Years ago, children were told to finish everything on thier plates so as not to waste food. Nowadays, with so much food readily available all the time it's not good to encourage children to eat more than they want to as it encourages overeating and obesity. So if he wants to stop eating I let him.

This is a great last point
my kids were involved in cooking families meals as soon as they could go,d things 8n their hands, and stand or sit at table and eating main meals with knife and fork
it started with them sniffing herbs and spices and saying whether they thought that would be nice in it, and breaking up mushrooms with their hands, progressed to cutting up softer veg . They were always allowed to “taste” the food as cooking and say what they thought would make it nicer - just like you’d do tasting something to check on seasoning.
it made them feel grown up, it mirrored what they saw me and husband doing. And being involved in cooking stuff they of course wanted to eat what they made.
there were things that developed dislikes to and had instant dislike. Varied with child but was specific like bananas , raw tomato , chewing on meat (steak was a no no until they were all in teens thatnk god), but they weren’t fussy as such.

meal times were the social family catch up. More about taking and chatting than the food itself.

get kids involved in food prep very younger. Make their meals their own. I agree with posters to say let them serve themselves to avoid overwhelming with food , but that might lead to certain veg avoidance so handle with care. Make mealtimes not about “sit there until you’ve finished) but more “sit there until we’ve all finished talking…now tell me about….”

Because mealtimes aren’t just about filling your stomach up. It is a social get together when you can all chat together about your day and bond.

It teaches important manners and social skills. It’s very rude to leave a table before everyone is finished.

What about washing hands? Do you not ask them to wash their hands every time they leave the table? What about your house, is it not covered in food stains? 😱😱😱

Hi OP, are you my MIL? :)

My 6 yo won't sit and eat a whole meal. He loves to play and chat and then eat a bit, then play and chat and then eat some more.

My parenting POV is that I'd rather they got to be kids for much longer than they are "normally" allowed - I wish I had the money to send mine to a private kindergarten like in Scandinavia so that they never have to rote learn a thing until they are 7! Childhood is so short and can be so magical...

So outside of school my only rules are around causing harm - I do not allow hurting self or others, come down hard on unsafe behaviours around traffic, etc - but with anything else I more or less let them choose what they'd like.

With mealtimes me and DH always sit at the table, model the adult behaviour, but don't expect them to have the sustained attention or appetite to copy us yet.

I also never use dessert as a reward because I grew up with strict "finish your plate" type parents and have an eating disorder as an adult! My kids are strong and healthy and they can eat what they like when they like as far as I'm concerned :)

Anyway, it goes without saying that you're perfectly entitled to your feelings and your rules in your house. I also understand your frustration at things not being how you'd do it with your own children. But I do think that your grandson will get better as he grows up and that you should let this go as far as you are able. Criticism might cause a rift which would be much worse than uneaten tortellinis!

Wish you all the best.

As a mum of 3 kids ages 11,6 and 4 I don't think this normal behaviour for a 6 year old. My kids know we sit down to eat a meal and all do it including my nuerodiverse child (he eats meals that we know he likes but the rest of us eat the same meal). The 4 year old does still try to mess about at times and gets warned he will get his dinner taken away. If he carries on messing around, throwing it or walking about with it I take it away. Its harsh but all 3 would not dare behave like that in the school canteen and are not allowed to at home either. I think it just encourages poor eating habits and endless snacking to not insist they sit and eat proper meals.

I blame the parent of the child's parent, probably rebelling against the firm upper hand parenting they received, with help of a mental health professional.

No wonder so many kids get up and wander around, annoying diners at restaurants. Of course they should be sat down.

This was what I was thinking. Can he actually comfortably reach the food from his chair. If he's having to lean / kneel

If not could you make a fuss of DGS's special table or chair

I'd hate it too op. Nothing wrong with introducing children to basic manners. I teach and can tell you that a growing number of children expect to be able to do this at school - wander about unsafely in a busy dining area, eat slowly and then get upset that friends have gone out to play or it's time to go back into class. It might explain why some children attempt this in restaurants too. Instil manners at your house even if parents cba.

Parent your child. It’s your job.

I always used to say (when I had children) that you didn't get pudding if you hadn't eaten at least some of the main course and, once you'd got down from the table, that was it and you had to wait until the next meal. Both these things are out of date now and not advised with young children as they are emotionally controlling techniques which can result in more disordered eating.

You'll have better luck in gransnet OP. I think you're trying to inflict old fashioned practices on modern kids. He's still little.

I am a grandparent and you are being unreasonable. It is nor our place to question our children's parenting choices
My mother in law did that when my children were young and all it did was make me very resentful.
Best not to offer advice unless they ask for it

Exactly. When I have kids friends over or watch nieces/nephews not my child, not my problem. This isn't the OPs child. Just unclench and have fun with the kid. Choosing to get stressy over something like this is just a waste of your time and energy. Let his parents parent and you just do the grandparent thing of doting on him.

Basic table manners are a social skill. It's important to learn to sit and chat at a table - and not with an electronic babysitter either. I cannot bear it when I go to a restaurant and have to listen to Peppa Pig on repeat from the next table or watch kids running around because they are not used to sitting at a table and engaging with their meal or their parents. I wouldn't force a child to finish a meal but I do expect them to at least try it. It's non-negotiable in my house.

By 5 years old at most, a child should fully comprehend table manners and refine these as they grow older.
Absolutely no talking with food in their mouth, no chewing opening mouth, use cutlery, use napkin etc etc
A 6 years old should not be wondering off during his meal.
I wouldn't be too fussed about how much he eats, but I'd make sure his chair is comfortable, he has good size cutlery for his age, glass of water, napkin etc.
He eats - fine. He doesn't- fine.
If this is a particularly fidgety child, I'd excuse them from the table earlier at home.

I'd absolutely hate such a behaviour in a restaurant. Children must have manners, and learn these from home as early as possible.

OP, use your rules in your own home. Maybe he'll learn and do the same at home.

@Cosycover dont you ever eat out? I hope you don’t let him wander around the restaurant, blimey.

I have a 5y/o and I am a stickler for table manners. Eat as much as possible, finish veggies, sit on your bottom and legs out front, eat with your mouth closed, elbows off the table and so on. She has to ask to get down from the table and that is when the meal is finished by everyone and her knife and fork are together.

I cook mainly foods I know she will like and every so often I introduce new things. If she doesn't like it, that is fine, as long as she tries it. She doesn't have to eat all of her main meal to be able to have pudding (often fruit and yog), simply because I don't like the idea of food as a reward but rather it should all be enjoyed as part of a meal.

This may sound pretty harsh and too strict for some but I know without a shadow of a doubt, I can take that girl to a restaurant and not have to worry about her behavior as she is just mirroring what she does at home. She eats well and enjoys her food.

However, the above being said, this not for everyone and it is very much 'each to their own'.

Sounds like a parenting problem not a grandson eating problem to me…

OP, use your rules in your own home. Maybe he'll learn and do the same at home.

This sounds a good way to make the child not want to visit and to cause a rift with their parent!

I am determined not to be like this if lucky enough to be a GP.

My kids are aged almost 2 and almost 4. They have to stay at the table until they (and everyone else) isfinished and if they get down for any reason they have to ask first and be given permission. There's very few reasons to leave the table before the meal is finished though, pretty much the main one is needing the loo.

So I agree with the wandering point you made @Sausagenbacon

But I disagree with everything else. We rarely have a pudding or desert. However we focus on healthy eating and each meal isn't completely isolated. So if they start refusing a varied diet in preference of just fruit and yogurts then we'd explain they can't have one this time because they need to eat a bigger variety of food to stay healthy. End result is the same as "Eat a decent amount of your main meal before you can have a pudding", but you're explaining why and putting the focus on health because really that's why we want kids to eat their main meal and not just loads of yogurts/fruit/chocolate or whatever else they might prefer.

I also agree with others that kneeling or leaning is fine if it's helping them be a more appropriate height on relation to the table.