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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandchildren's eating habits AIBU?

601 replies

Sausagenbacon · 04/08/2023 12:25

I love my grandson, but feel irritated about his eating habits. I'm posting here to see if this behaviour is the new normal and I'm being picky.
He's 6. I cooked a meal for them yesterday - a bit of salad and some tortellini, with sauce to add if they wanted to i.e. deliberately bland (but this applies to all meals we have with them).
So, firstly, he doesn't sit down at the table, but kneels or leans. Then he takes a mouth or two, and then wanders off. Then, a few minutes later, he reappears and might take a bit more, or, if what he wants is gone, gets given something else, like toast.
and then, about 30 minutes later, he'll want some of the pudding. And get given it.
I always used to say (when I had children) that you didn't get pudding if you hadn't eaten at least some of the main course and, once you'd got down from the table, that was it and you had to wait until the next meal.
Parenting is hard enough, without making it harder than needs be.
AIBU?

OP posts:
misssunshine4040 · 04/08/2023 12:52

Just tell him to sit down and finish his food before he gets to do anything else.
Lots of people have relaxed attitudes towards food now and not everyone has a table to sit at either.
I think it's fine, he's 6. It doesn't need to be a big deal

AuntieJune · 04/08/2023 12:52

My 4yo quite often has pudding then goes back to his savoury course too!

BalletBob · 04/08/2023 12:53

You can have rules at your house. Why don't you insist that he stays at the table? He can learn that at Grandma's house we stay at the table during meals.

That said, you need to consider things from his perspective.

It's not right to force kids to eat things they genuinely don't like. Nobody would do that to an adult, and for lots of reasons it's important that children have some autonomy. Does he actually like (or at least not dislike) what you served? Was he even hungry? Did he want to eat? Is he a child whose body does not cope well with large meals? Lots of kids are like this and require small meals/snacks several times a day, as opposed to 3 large meals. If meals are an important social time in your home, you could still insist he joins the family at the table to talk, even he’s not eating a full meal.

As for the way he sits, does he have a comfortable chair that is the correct height for him and somewhere to rest his legs at the correct angle? If he's just sitting on an adult chair, with his legs dangling and his food up near his face then he's obviously not going to be comfortable and will naturally want to kneel.

literalviolence · 04/08/2023 12:53

My dad's wife, with no malice intended, would sometimes go off piste with meal choices having already checked with us. E.g. in one instance washed said so they like pasta? We said yes. She got stuffed pasta. Not the same but I can see where it went wrong. It might be that you did the same? My son struggled to sit rather than stand at 6 and we let that go as long as he was at the table.

Laiste · 04/08/2023 12:53

I don't think it does kids (that age, not babies) to learn they can do what they please during meal times.

They have to learn at some point how to behave. They won't have them wandering round the hall at school lunch time for eg. Better to learn how to sit and eat your meal in one go as young as poss imo. rather than have them have to unlearn what they've always done at home because it wasn't a 'big deal' ...

Once they get to 4/5 it's no massive ask to sit and eat at a table and then that's the end of it once they get down.

If there's always pudding eating issues (wont eat main and waits for pud) don't have pudding on offer at all. Easier than a battle.

TakenRoot · 04/08/2023 12:55

It is irritating, yes, but then however hard I tried I never got my Dc to be great at sitting at the table until they actually started to enjoy food (rather than just see it as a boring interruption in their day).

It isn't your issue or place to interfere, just ignore. If his parents are OK with it, don't cause tension or friction.

And current advice is not to use one food as a reward for eating another.

sugarapplelane · 04/08/2023 12:56

The wandering would annoy me to op unless you say he can get down from the table. His parents obviously allow it so you need to say that he has to stay at the table at Granny’s house until he has finished his meal. He doesn’t have to eat the whole plate if he’s full but the wandering around has to stop. That’s just basic manners

Laiste · 04/08/2023 12:57

I understand the not having pudding as a reward food thing. But if a kid is consistently refusing the main in favour of the pud and filling up that way then nutrition is going to suffer.

My solution in that scenario would be for there to simply be no pudding, or always make the pudding a simple piece of fruit.

Like a cutted up pear 😉

dizzygirl1 · 04/08/2023 12:58

Yeah I agree with granny's house granny's rules. One reason why i didn't like being at granny's house for meals or at home with my parents as I was made to sit and eat everything or no pudding.
I have a rule of try it and if you really don't like it then you can have toast or something, I'm not forcing my children to sit at a table and eat everything on a plate as its horrendous. My teens don't like being at my parents for the same reason as me - if they don't eat it all, their is moaning from grandparents.
I know OP you'll be surprised to hear that my teens eat at a table, have excellent table manners and eat a variety of food. Maybe because food hasn't been a fight and punishment.

weebarra · 04/08/2023 12:58

No wandering here. 3 DCs, 2 ND. We use meal times as a space to regroup and talk about our days.
We've always done it since they were tiny, gets them into good habits.
The rest, wee ones go off things, decide they're not hungry etc.

Dragonwindow · 04/08/2023 12:59

I don't care much about table manners in my own house, but I know that my dad does, so I've always taught my kids that we eat properly at granddad's house! But I have also explained to him that when he eats at our house he has to put up with their normal eating habits 🤣🤣

I would just discuss with the parents before the next meal what your expectations are. And they might say fair enough to the not wandering off etc, but they might say that they don't use pudding as a treat in their family (lots of people don't these days) so they would rather he was allowed the pudding whatever. You might need to compromise between yourselves. But it's perfectly possible for kids to learn different rules at different houses.

Esmereldapawpatrol · 04/08/2023 13:00

Cosycover · 04/08/2023 12:34

Hes 6.

My kids don't need to sit and finish a meal. They can wander if they want. They can eat it for hours if they choose.

What is the big deal?

Really?? What about if you go out to eat, what happens then?

OP I would find this really annoying. Table manners are important in our house. My DC are 11 and 8, they sit at the table, eat their food. They don't have to finish everything on their plate but they wait until everyone is finished and then ask to leave the table. We don't have screens at the table and we sit and chat about our day etc.

We can take them anywhere, they love going out for meals. We are always complimented on their manners and how well behaved they are and I am proud of that.

saraclara · 04/08/2023 13:01

My DGD gets to wander and graze at home. I don't interfere or judge.

At my house she sits at the table on a booster seat. Not because I'm defying her parents or deliberately enforcing Grandma's rules, but because that's what I did with my own children, so it came naturally to me. I bought the booster seat before I discovered that she rarely eats at the table at home.

She loves her seat when she's here. It's just part of being at grandma's, and she will ask to use it even if I offer her a sandwich while she's playing on the floor.

I don't institute the 'no pudding unless...' thing. She's not a great eater and I'm not going to make lunch at grandma's a battleground. I just encourage her to eat the healthy stuff.

RaininSummer · 04/08/2023 13:01

The wandering around seems very odd. How will he learn to behave when out if good table behaviour isn't taught at home.

parliamoglesga · 04/08/2023 13:01

Cosycover · 04/08/2023 12:34

Hes 6.

My kids don't need to sit and finish a meal. They can wander if they want. They can eat it for hours if they choose.

What is the big deal?

I respectfully disagree with this.

in my house on the nights where we eat as family (not ever nights due to clubs) we all sit until we’ve all finished and engage in conversation. My kids are 9 and 5 and they can manage it.

on the nights where there are clubs they know that they don’t wander away from the table - they stay until it’s eaten. If they don’t like the dinner then they have to at least try it before anything else is made.

discipline can be gentle but firm

WaitingfortheTardis · 04/08/2023 13:01

I agree with you that he shouldn't be wandering around during dinner. If he doesn't want it or like it then that is one thing, but he needs to be at the table. Not sure on the pudding thing, it really depends for me as to whether he actually didn't like it or just didn't want that food as he knew there was a more exciting option.

MoggyMittens23 · 04/08/2023 13:02

Cosycover · 04/08/2023 12:34

Hes 6.

My kids don't need to sit and finish a meal. They can wander if they want. They can eat it for hours if they choose.

What is the big deal?

So you're a parent that doesn't parent?

HauntedPencil · 04/08/2023 13:03

It's irrelevant what he does, if his parents allow it it's not really your concern to be honest. If you are looking after him and they are out it's your rules at your house, but if they want to give pudding that's their decision , or it will end in bad feeling.

Laiste · 04/08/2023 13:03

Sitting at the table and not wandering doesn't have to go hand in hand with eating everything on the plate.

I don't force my 4 to eat everything i give them, but i wouldn't have them wandering about during a meal. They understand it goes: dish up, sit and enjoy as much of the food as you want, and then help clear up.

2 of mine are such fussy eaters - just be careful with what you've offering, OP, and the quantity also. A big plateful can be off putting even if it's food they like.

FuppingEll · 04/08/2023 13:04

I would just enjoy the time with my grandchild and not sweat the small stuff to be honest. He isn't going to be a grown man behaving like this, in the grand scheme of everything why does it matter so much to you? Just chill out and have fun with him, he isn't going to starve to death or suffer from malnutrition because missed one meal at your place. It just really doesn't matter.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 04/08/2023 13:05

Cosycover · 04/08/2023 12:34

Hes 6.

My kids don't need to sit and finish a meal. They can wander if they want. They can eat it for hours if they choose.

What is the big deal?

Because his table manners are terrible and rude!

What happens if your kids go to a friends for tea? Would they get up and wander around? 😱

Appleblum · 04/08/2023 13:07

YANBU. These are basic manners.

Tinybrother · 04/08/2023 13:08

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 04/08/2023 13:05

Because his table manners are terrible and rude!

What happens if your kids go to a friends for tea? Would they get up and wander around? 😱

Show quote history

I’ve had children come over and play and have tea and midway through the meal they’ve disappeared to play with toys. Not my child, not my problem - I wasn’t bothered, a scream face is a bit over dramatic! my children carried on until they’d had enough and then joined them. No fuss, no drama, no stress

Nellynoo182 · 04/08/2023 13:10

Just to offer a different perspective, I was a really fussy eater as a kid and drove my Grandma mad. My mum (probably exasperated bless her) took the approach to just make sure I ate something, even if it was plain pasta in butter every night. Of course, I grew out of this and now love trying different things and have a more varied diet than my Grandma! What I will say is every time I go out and eat around my Grandma even now (almost 30 years later) I can still NEVER finish a meal around her because I know she is watching and judging how much and what I eat 😂 around everyone else I have no problems at all so her stubbornness definitely had a negative effect on me! One thing that would help me as a kid was to be able to dish up my own food, choose how much pasta/ salad I wanted etc and also help cook or prepare the food. Maybe that will help your grandchild finish their meal and have a positive association with mealtimes at Granny’s 😊

Appleofmyeye2023 · 04/08/2023 13:10

Cosycover · 04/08/2023 12:34

Hes 6.

My kids don't need to sit and finish a meal. They can wander if they want. They can eat it for hours if they choose.

What is the big deal?

Sitting at a table and sharing food together is a social skill.
how do you think adults learn that sharing a meal togther is a good bonding and social thing, and is very much a universal cultural phenomenon