Grandchildren's eating habits AIBU?

[Sausagenbacon]

I love my grandson, but feel irritated about his eating habits. I'm posting here to see if this behaviour is the new normal and I'm being picky.
He's 6. I cooked a meal for them yesterday - a bit of salad and some tortellini, with sauce to add if they wanted to i.e. deliberately bland (but this applies to all meals we have with them).
So, firstly, he doesn't sit down at the table, but kneels or leans. Then he takes a mouth or two, and then wanders off. Then, a few minutes later, he reappears and might take a bit more, or, if what he wants is gone, gets given something else, like toast.
and then, about 30 minutes later, he'll want some of the pudding. And get given it.
I always used to say (when I had children) that you didn't get pudding if you hadn't eaten at least some of the main course and, once you'd got down from the table, that was it and you had to wait until the next meal.
Parenting is hard enough, without making it harder than needs be.
AIBU?

I have a 2 year old Grandchild, and he has a little booster at our table for meals. In his house he has a toddler table and chair, and yes he is expected to sit for meals and not wander..so he does...and he's not a placid toddler by ay means!

We don't keep him there by force , but at two he understands that if he gets up to wander we will ask 'are you finished?' and if the answer is yes, then dinner is over.. he doesn't get to wander back. If he genuinely doesn't want any more, he's free to go, if he just fancied wandering off he sits back down if he's still hungry. he eats a good variety; some days not a lot, others like a horse!

We don't expect him to sit through the length of an adult meal and conversation, of course not, but do expect him to sit to eat. At 6 a child absolutely should be able to sit to eat !

The principle behind 'no dinner no pudding' is really just a way of teaching children that they can't only eat their preferred foods at the expense of the other foods they need for a balanced diet. So its really not about how healthy dessert it. Fruit and yoghurt if chosen every day at the expense of fish, pulses, leafy veg, grains etc wouldn't be a balanced diet.
If you don't operate some rules around this you're likely to end up with exactly the eating problems you want to avoid, with children learning they can reject everything but their favourites, and becoming highly selective, when the ideal is eating from a wide range of foods.

Why does it bother you if a child gets up?
My child does actually sit the whole time but I wouldn't be annoyed if they didn't. They'll learn to stay as they get older 🤷

Granny’s house around here sounds fun (!)

I am surprised that quite a proportion of posters think it is acceptable for children to get up and wander around. It must make it extremely difficult for schools at lunch time where logistically you can't let every child get up and walk round whenever they feel like it.

No she is caring for grandchildren free of charge. That gives her the right to question parenting. If the parents don’t like it pay for childcare.

If you don't operate some rules around this you're likely to end up with exactly the eating problems you want to avoid, with children learning they can reject everything but their favourites, and becoming highly selective, when the ideal is eating from a wide range of foods.

I really understand why this seems logical, but it honestly doesn't work that way. I remember reading about a study where toddlers were given a table full of a wide variety of different foods and left to choose what they ate for themselves. God knows what the room and the toddlers looked like at the end of the day, but over the day they basically ended up eating a very balanced diet.

I've taken roughly the same approach with my daughter, who is nearly 6, and whilst she can sometimes be picky and a bit capricious about what she will and won't eat (e.g. cheese goes in and out of favour constantly), she will always eat some form of protein, a decent wholefood carb, enough veg to keep her healthy, and fruit, and actually asks for fruit a lot more often than she asks for something from the treat tin. I have been on tenterhooks waiting for this to change and of course it might well change as she gets older, but although she likes sweets and enjoys them with her friend when out she very rarely thinks to ask for them at home.

I very much doubt it’s happening at school. Most children know that there are different rules in different places, unless you maintain rules like getting your child to put their hand up to speak or whatever?

I think it's what he's always done so it's quite late to suddenly not expect it. My 3 year old can sit for a full meal. I'm not sure he would eat salad but a pasta and sauce would be fine. I hate the wandering too so if my child gets up to wander, I make sure to say that's not something we do at mealtimes etc. The kneeling might be because the chair feels to low for him.

Mine are teenagers but the rule was always - sit at the table, once you leave the meal is over, you don’t have to finish everything but you do need to eat before you have pudding. Now, with teenagers, the rule is there is one pass to a main course, so they can skip a bit that they really don’t like (but with the proviso that the meal is selected so no one objects hugely to the menu).
I think it might be time to have a granny’s Rules in Granny’s House, maybe easier to establish if he visits without his parents!

The child is 6. He should already know to how sit and eat especially as he likely goes to school.

My DD knew to do that at 2.

Though in her case peer pressure helped at her CM's with the other two 2 year olds. If any of them got up from their table and left their food of one of the others like it they would pinch some.

OP your child clearly disagrees with how you did meals, given how they’re raising their child, so you’ll have to agree to disagree.

Parenting is hard. So we pick our battles.

Mine have SEN & it’s an achievement to get them to the table without stressing about how much they eat or what. Or how many times they wander off or how they sit. My youngest finds meal times hard enough without imposing rules that will make it harder for him. They’re picky eaters, but are improving slowly with age.

This would definitely be small stuff in our house & we wouldn’t sweat it. Luckily both MIL & my mum know we have bigger fish to fry so don’t worry about it either.

I think that on the one hand, the days of sitting at a table nicely, no elbows on the table and having to ask before you leave etc, are long gone.

OTOH, withholding food as punishment, forcing full children to eat food they can barely stomach, weaponsing food in general and creating one way tickets to eating disorders is also long gone.

Im happy that one has been sacrificed for the other TBH.

Hi OP, I’m late thirties and have 3 small children (one of whom is 7 so roughly the same age here).

My three would never behave how you describe. Dinners are always served at the table, the children have to eat their mains before any pudding, and they do not get down from the table during the meal.

The way I look at, I feel happier to take them for a meal at a restaurant or with friends if they behave well, so they have a more enriched life. Table manners are non-negotiable for me. I would definitely start saying you have different expectations in your own home.

The thing is, none of what he has been doing at mealtimes impacts you.
If you were his parent then yes it would, but you aren't so relax.

That's a bit harsh @Sausagenbacon is a grandparent just checking if it's the norm now and getting other views to try and understand and have an open perspective.

Totally agree this would drive me mad. I hate it when my kids play with food too. The only time I allow food away from the table is like today.. im 37 weeks pregnant, tired from a day out yesterday and uncomfortable/in pain so they are having a picnic in my bedroom on a towel on the floor. They see it as an exciting treat 😅

@Sausagenbacon I think it's dependent on parents rules in the house and life style.
I can see why some parents allow this. The wondering off and coming back wouldn't work for us as we love socialising with meals out so couldn't do that in a restaurant.
But am whole heartedly against finishing your whole main, I try and encourage them to finish but accept if full they are simply full (even if that means they haven't eaten much) and puddings are when we eat out, weekends and special times really

People put too much emphasis on having children who "you can take anywhere". I disagree that this is the hallmark of successful parenting.

I have three of similar ages. I have the same outcome without all the rules you have - children who sit through meals at home, in restaurants and at friends’ houses politely and eat a reasonable variety, we have lovely mealtimes. A lot is luck and the fact that they are NT, but I haven’t had to impose rules like that to get there

I was told that each meal including snacks causes acid attacks, so prolonged meals are not great for teeth as they won't provide much time for the mouth to neutralise. If the meal isn't finished within 30 minutes to 1 hour max, surely they're just not hungry. 🤷‍♀️