Splitting the bill - ended up paying 3x my consumption

[Jyas]

Not an AIBU but more a WWYD…I’m in a hobby group and about every 2-3 months we treat ourselves to a nice dinner. There’s usually 8-10 of us and we always split the bill. It’s normally around £50 per person. This week we went to a restaurant which was more on the upper end of what we usually go for. Mains were £25 - £45. We all chose our food, but when ordering, the waiter managed to talk 3 of us into trying ‘the chefs special’. This was a rather elaborate and unusual dish, he didn’t mention the price but I would have thought it would be between £55-£60 at least from the description. When the bill came, they realised that it was over £90. The 3 offered to take one bottle of wine out of the total and share it between them to make up for their expensive dish.
In the end we paid £110 each and they paid £125 each. However, my main was £25 and plus drinks (i only had one water and one glass of wine from the shared bottle, others had much more to drink, and most had a starter but i didn’t). I would have paid around £40. So I ended up paying 3x as much.

We all really don’t mind if we pay a bit more than we consumed and we regularly go out eating together so things balance itself out. I was aware that the bill would be split and I was happy to do as usual (before knowing what their dish costed) so I couldn’t really say anything and I just paid, but I feel that £40 compared to £110 was just too big a difference on that occasion.
Would you have said anything, even tough everyone knew in advance that the bill would be split?

That's a good idea.

I think the ones who had the really expensive meals were downright mean to go ahead with splitting the bill. I wouldn't be surprised if there was another night where they would decide not to split the bill, if someone else had the more expensive dish.

I hate restaurants. Hate, hate hate. How on earth can they justify those kind of amounts. That’s the cost of a bill!!!! Op, next time be the ‘unpopular’ one and say ‘how about we pay for our own? Others will love you for it!!!

Don't whinge and moan, just pay for your own

Don't be a martyr and pay for their starter
😄

If I had ordered the pricey dish I would have insisted on paying for it in full. Even if I hadn’t realised how expensive it was. Not the fault of the others if I chose it.

Precisely. I often split the bill but there’s nothing wrong with paying for what you’ve eaten at all and I never think badly of those who do. I’ve been in a couple of situations where it looks like they’re going to split the bill at a large table where some have drank alcohol and 3 courses and some have only had a salad, so I’ve said I’ll just put down what I owe plus a tip …then I’ve scurried off 🤣

A lesson to check out a restaurant online first to get a feel for the menu/cost and offer your apologies if it's out your price range. Once you've committed to going on the understanding you're splitting the bill, you can either fill-your-boots with starter, main etc and feel you got your money's worth at the end, or eat much less yet pay the same as if you'd filled your boots and feel resentful.

It's not cool to renege on an agreement to split the bill. I say that as a vegetarian, who's on a diet and usually the designated driver, so my actual percentage is usually much less than my share of the bill, so I do have sympathy. That said, in a smaller, more intimate group of friends/family it is good form for those in the group to notice if someone ate/drank noticably less than everyone else and naturally offer that they pay a lesser share. That can't be relied upon in a larger group of colleagues or acquaintances though, and if they don't notice and offer, it's rude to ask. Sorry, I'm sounding like Debrett's but it's just my experience of restaurant etiquette.

I disagree - the issue here is 3 people in the group feeling they could spend far more than everyone else, as the bill would get split between everyone.

They should have offered to pick up a bigger split - that is manners - and it's really poor etiquette that they didn't. The fact they offered a token gesture of a bottle of wine between them shows their ignorance. It's really quite rude.

Like I said, I would quite happily have called these guys out. But in reality sometimes the practice is far more difficult than the theory.

The OP should stop feeling bad about it on behalf of those 3 scrooges.

I’m actually surprised when people do this. If I have actually the same meal and drink I’ll split it but often I pay for my own. I whip the calculator out and everything. I wouldn’t expect someone else to pay for me if I ordered more alcohol or had a pricier meal. I’d feel really guilty so I’m often the first to say let’s pay for our own meal. I don’t think people who split a bill evenly when they have had tons more are very considerate people. And are actually taking advantage.

I hate splitting the bill in these situations.
If I meet a friend for coffee then we take it in turns to pay. We both have coffee/tea and a cake/sandwich and I don’t care if I pay a few pounds more.
However I’ve been shafted so many times going out for group meals that now I pay for what I’ve eaten. I just add up my share and pay that. The reason being in a large group and split the bill scenario, I always, always end up subsidising others. I’m not prepared to do it any more.
I never order the most expensive thing on the menu and I hardly drink.
Its crazy.
Op, I think those who ate the £90 plus main are cfs.

As a vegetarian who can't ever manage three courses this happens to me all the time. I just add up what I spent and if it is significantly less than others I say something. I state when the bill comes that I'll be paying for what I had, and the rest are welcome to then split the remainder between them. I'm very polite but assertive, and still get invited out. I think if anything I'm respected for having boundaries. You don't need to pre agree before the bill, people should only order what they can afford.

You're definitely not sounding anything like Debretts, don't concern yourself with that. Imagine thinking that lumbering others with the cost of your food and drink has the slightest thing to do with etiquette, it really doesn't.

There's nothing wrong with splitting the bill, paying your own or paying for the whole lot if you want to but you don't expect and put others in the position of paying for what you've had. If the bill is much of a muchness and it's the norm for your group then fair enough but spending other people's money is not on.

I'm really shocked that this is 'a thing'.

you are not being unreasonable . i think you should expect things like splitting the bill especially when you havent had a fair share can sometimes go wrong . its annoying but count it as a loss

I always ask to pay for what I had unless i know we all had similar things and it wouldn't make too much difference. My friends would never object either way. In this case it's tricky because they weren't aware of the price either and maybe they would struggle to afford it? Or were they just ordering recklessly? I understand it must have been awkward for you but I think if you're with friends you should be able to say if you're not happy. Maybe choose somewhere more cheap and cheerful next time!

More I think about it. More I would have had to say something

As don't have a spare £100

I’d be massively shocked that the people who had those mains at that cost didn’t immediately say they’d pay for themselves given the circumstances. I’d definitely not be splitting bills with them in future!

If this is a one off I'd just let it go. It would annoy me but to be honest if I go out I kind of expect that the bill will be split. You chose not to have a starter which made a big difference. There's nothing worse than going out for dinner with people who go round totting up what they owe, like students, and you can't do it just for one person. Theres no way I would be 'that' person and ask to pay less at the end.
If you're tight for money you need to be honest and just say at the start that you're skint at the moment and ask for a separate bill, friends should understand this.

God I really hate this splitting the bill. About time it became the norm for separate bills. There must be so many quietly seething after being forced to subsidise some CFs booze and steaks. Not many will speak up in that position as they don't want to be branded a cheapskate.

Bill splitting has such a potential to sour friendships. I refuse to go out with my husband’s group of friends after they insisted that we split a bill that involved 14 bottles of wine (at £35 each) and a meal where everyone else had three courses, and I only had a main course and a pint of lager. There were other factors, but the financial expenditure was the tipping point.

I think the ones who for the £90 meal were very inconsiderate not to pay for their meals separately and just cover a bottle of wine. Definitely should have paid separately at that point but unfortunately it was agreed to split beforehand so I don't think you can go back and ask for money now!
Moving forward just say "I'm just going to pay for mine separately thanks" don't need to go into reasoning etc, the fact you didn't have a starter and they were still happy to have you pay the same is a bit unfair. I was caught out once before at a work hen do for one of the managers, I had a main and was driving and had no alcohol yet many bottles of wine were ordered and the bill was spilt. Another colleague simply produced a £20 note and said she only had a main and water and this covers her portion. No one said a thing! I learnt from then to always just do the same.

I'd take this as a lesson, either order and drink around the same as everyone else and split or work yours out before the bill comes and simply say "mine was x amount so I'll take it off the bill thanks"

I have never been in the situation where it's agreed beforehand that a bill will be split. Is this normal for many people?

It sounds terrible to me that people are talked into agreeing a bill-split situation and are then tied into that, regardless of what other people are ordering. I think that's madness and must be extremely stressful. It's bad enough if you can afford to pay for other people's food/drink, regardless of what it costs, but, imagine if you don't have that financial cushion and weren't expecting those huge costs?

Using the £90 mains as the example. Each and every one of those specials-orderers knew that their dish was double the price of the others. They chose to put that cost on their 'friends'. If I'd been one of those specials-orderers, I would have immediately put in the extra to cover my dish, there's not a chance I would expect somebody else to subsidise me.

I regularly go out for a meal with a group, and we used to split the bill but inevitably someone would be muttering that they only had tapwater and others had wine. So now we each pay for our own, we find that these days restaurants are quite happy to accommodate us, especially if you warn them before you make the booking. So everyone is happy, apart from those who order expensive things purely because others will pay part - they do exist!

It's the quibbling about money and how to split the bill AFTER it's been pre-agreed that it's a split the bill equally situation, that is bad etiquette. It would be just as bad as if the pre-arranged arrangement was everyone pay for themselves but then when the bill arrives and someone insists on splitting equally. It's unfortunate that others didn't offer for OP to pay less but it is a bit tacky to argue about the cost if they don't. It really is a thing, here's the Debrett's link which explains it a little. https://debretts.com/restaurants-the-rules/

I’m not a confrontational person, I’m the quiet one who sits in the corner quietly & agreeing with everything but on this occasion I would have to be honest with the group & say guys you know my situation & I simply can’t afford to pay that amount especially when my bill is only ex amount so I can only put X amount to it, & maybe from now on it might be best if we just pay for our own meals & just have a kitty for the drinks

I can’t believe you care more about some arbitrary etiquette rules than fairness, people’s right to speak up or their individual budgets! Happy to be the tacky rude person who quibbles over the bill and wear that label proudly if it means I don’t get shafted.

No, me neither. It’s always a case of waiting for the bill to arrive then deciding how to pay - if we’ve all had similar we’ll split, or sometimes someone will ask to just pay for their own if they had less and the rest split, sometimes we’ll all get our phones out and add up exactly what we had. Sometimes if the service was lacking we ask for it to be taken off the bill! Cue the “but eTtIqUeTtE” people fainting.