Splitting the bill - ended up paying 3x my consumption

[Jyas]

Not an AIBU but more a WWYD…I’m in a hobby group and about every 2-3 months we treat ourselves to a nice dinner. There’s usually 8-10 of us and we always split the bill. It’s normally around £50 per person. This week we went to a restaurant which was more on the upper end of what we usually go for. Mains were £25 - £45. We all chose our food, but when ordering, the waiter managed to talk 3 of us into trying ‘the chefs special’. This was a rather elaborate and unusual dish, he didn’t mention the price but I would have thought it would be between £55-£60 at least from the description. When the bill came, they realised that it was over £90. The 3 offered to take one bottle of wine out of the total and share it between them to make up for their expensive dish.
In the end we paid £110 each and they paid £125 each. However, my main was £25 and plus drinks (i only had one water and one glass of wine from the shared bottle, others had much more to drink, and most had a starter but i didn’t). I would have paid around £40. So I ended up paying 3x as much.

We all really don’t mind if we pay a bit more than we consumed and we regularly go out eating together so things balance itself out. I was aware that the bill would be split and I was happy to do as usual (before knowing what their dish costed) so I couldn’t really say anything and I just paid, but I feel that £40 compared to £110 was just too big a difference on that occasion.
Would you have said anything, even tough everyone knew in advance that the bill would be split?

Yep, I'm in the messaging the whattapp group and saying " wtf...my bill was £40 and my share of the bill due to the specials was £110. I'm afraid going forwards I wont be splitting the bill , I'll just be covering what I ate. As we are all friends I know you will understand.

In my experience the CFers do this a lot with lots of ppl they go out with, order expensive drinks and food and then suggest a bill split.

Next time, after dinner with the CFers, nip to the bar and settle your share before the bill arrives with the head waiter. Those that want to 'split the bill' can do so..poor saps, can carry on paying for other people's luxuries- you have paid your share already.
You need say nothing until the plate comes your way, where you can pop your receipt on to show you've paid your bill.

Your group members suck, OP. They should have offered to pay their expensive mains (90 is a lot!!!!) and split the rest between the group. What an audacity, expecting someone to pay for your expensive dishes even though they had a simple order and no alcohol.

I wouldn't let it happen again!

Yes, been somewhere similar a few times before. Only real thing to do is to say something, which I know isn't easy.

Build up the courage for the next time and suggest right at the start of the evening how the bill is going to be split. No compromise. There will always be a bit of give and take when you're sharing bottles of wine, but people ordering mains for £90 should be picking up that expense.

But it's more a reflection on those 3 individuals......who, quite frankly, have taken the piss at everyone else's expense

I would have really wanted to say something I am normally totally fine with splitting and as you say it evens out, but if I ordered a really extravagant meal compared to others I always ask to pay more for my fair share.

My friends used to always call me out to fancy restaurants but I was never into it because well I’m a simpleton that only likes very minimal stuff and don’t like trying new things. I also have diabetes type1 so would tend to only get water or a diet pop. Whereas they would get mocktails and cocktails etc. But I would go for the company until I realised I was the one driving and then they were constantly splitting the bill and somehow it always 2/3 times what I actually spent. I struggled to say anything until when one day I got fed up and it all kicked off because one of them responded ‘well we have to split the bill otherwise it’s to expensive for the rest of us’ what?! They actually believed the weren’t in the wrong and we’ve just become distant and I’ve made new and better friends since. From now on when appropriate I just say everyone get what they want and pay for their own stuff just keeps it fair and nobody feels annoyed etc. Splitting always gets messy the reason it exists is for them selfish people that get more stuff but want to pay less on everyone else expense. Just pay for your own stuff peeps don’t get greedy!

Totally agree. If I ordered a £90 special dish I'd pay. The effort made to make it up sounds crap

I try to look at splitting the bill as my bill for attending the event rather then itemising it. But that only works if you can afford to. Or think the event is worth the cost.

They sound selfish

We often split the bill as generally have the same

But

My friends and myself if had a very expensive meal would say I will put extra in

But @Jyas what the hell was the £90 dish

Hard to say what I’d do in the moment but definitely bad etiquette of the 3 splurging on the expensive dish regardless of whether they knew it was expensive or not, they should’ve paid extra IMO

^^^ yup. Cf thread! I can’t imagine letting someone pay for my food! You paid way too much OP.

I would have been too slow to react at the time, but I would write round now saying something like: Can I suggest we avoid that restaurant in future? I feel it was sharp practice that they talked three of us into a main which cost more than twice the top end of what we expected, without warning us that it was so much beyond the norm for their main courses, and I am considering writing to the manager to say this. I enjoy our outings and am happy to split the bill normally without counting it up, but that time I only ate £40s worth, and paid £110 - my budget really felt it. (Your group might be invited back for a free meal.)

I had a similar experience recently. We went out to celebrate my in laws wedding anniversary. My husbands brother messaged him saying they should split the bill for their parents to which he agreed. We'd already purchased a £30 gift but my husband is too scared to say no to his brother (his brother and partner both earns at least £80k more than us). On the day we both purchased the cheapest meals and drinks as we knew we'd be splitting the parents bill. Turns out we were expected to split the whole bill which included starters, mains, desserts and alcohol for everyone! What should have been a £30 meal turned into £135. To top it off, a few weeks later we went out for a meal with just the parents to celebrate our anniversary and do you think they paid for our meals? I feel your pain

I think things have changed in recent years - ie it's much easier for restaurants to provide separate bills these days. Also there's the current "cost of living crisis" going on and lots of people can't afford luxuries or need to be careful just how much they allocate to those luxuries. To me - I think the most practical thing to do is to put it to the group as a whole (BEFORE the next group meal out) that things have changed in Society in those ways/any other ways applicable and therefore suggest (in a reasonable - but firm - tone of voice) that people might like to consider requesting separate bills (probably best at the beginning of the meal) from the restaurant and then automatically the restaurant should bring everyone one bill each (just their own). Followed by stating that you yourself will be doing that and saying "I just want to know if others fancy doing the same as I will be on that" and probably a couple of others will say that they will do the same and it will gradually change the whole group practice over to paying separately. Also - now at long long very long last I'm not having to watch literally every penny myself I want to make up for all that lost time having to economise and pick whatever I darn well please (even if it's the most expensive thing on the menu) and that's what I will do (with all those decades of being poor to make up for), but I wouldnt think it fair to impose my treating myself onto the shoulders of other people (ie because they may well still be broke or have become broke recently and not be able to afford to subsidise other people anyway - and I wouldnt want them resenting me for chowing down on luxury food just-because-I-now-can.

Absolutely not- if you are going to challenge it, do it at the time, not afterwards - otherwise you are in danger of excluding yourself from the group, wether you wanted to be or not.

Those people are not your friends by allowing that. Next time, state your limit, before the meal. All the best 👍

We have all been there. Cocktail or champagne guzzlers who hog the bottles and expect everyone else to sub them. They eat their own starter but grab everyone else's garlic bread as well. It's called called being a greedy grabber but it can be stopped! 1) buy your own drinks. 2) ask for separate bills but agree on a set amount for each person's tip and make sure no one dips out of paying.

I thought we did bad when we ended up paying £18 more than we ate but that amount is ridiculous.

I once went out with a group - two or three people drank like fish, had expensive food and then loudly and drunkenly declared that the bill would be split. There were three of us driving who’d had reasonably priced food only and one who’d had budget food and water. We got stung by the greedy drunks and that was the end of the group. No more outings ever again.

in your case op, I wonder whether the specials people were completely blindsided by the £90 charge. Still, it wasn’t ok to make others pay for it.

Decline to split. If they do not understand and being cheeky, do not pretend to smile and do not go out with them. Good friends and the company should have noticed this and offer alternative arrangements without reminding. If not, and you are not enjoying, and clearly hesitate to just make the buggers pay, just do not go out with them.

Love these

I am guessing the special was something like lobster Thermidor. That is usually price on application so presumably expensive. The three who had the specials got off lightly with just £15 extra when their meal was £60 more than everyone else's. Those three should have paid £170 each. Presumably they didn't realise it was that pricey until you got the bill though. Very cheeky of the restaurant to not tell them when they ordered it.

What I may do is decline the next one saying that due to the over cost last time, when you had only budget your usual £50, you can't afford the next one.

Then the one after that, you say just paying for own so you can "stick to your budget"

I bet a few others copy your statement.

This is where "assertiveness training" comes in - which teaches that there are three basic forms of behaviour = passive, assertive or aggressive. These people were acting in the "aggressive" way out of those 3 options. This is where other people need to turn round and refuse to act in a "passive" way and not just accept what the aggressive ones have decided. Instead - one acts assertively - by firmly and politely declaring that everyone will be splitting the bill according to what they had or, at least, that you personally will be doing so and calculate what you owe - and put that exact amount on the table (plus a share of the tip if you're the sort of person that tips and wants to do so) and then maybe top that off by standing up and smiling innocently and saying "I'm just going to pop to the loo a minute" and you are safely off the scene in the loo and can't hear any further shouting the aggressive ones do. Anyone else who also wants to join you in the loo (ie to get away from the aggressive ones) is also free to "follow your lead" and do so. It will do the aggressive ones good to find out they can't just help themselves to someone else's money (or anything else that isn't theirs by right) and they might actually "grow up and learn to adult" a bit...

I had a similar situation with a group of colleagues recently. There were 15 of us, all but me and a young student, were ordering cocktail after cocktail (at £15-£18 each) and had the most expensive items on the menu.
I'm vegetarian and was driving! When the bill came they were all ready to split it equally and I had to point out that actually my share was £25 and there's was closer to £90 pp!
So sorry no, I won't be splitting it equally (and neither will the student!).