Splitting the bill - ended up paying 3x my consumption

[Jyas]

Not an AIBU but more a WWYD…I’m in a hobby group and about every 2-3 months we treat ourselves to a nice dinner. There’s usually 8-10 of us and we always split the bill. It’s normally around £50 per person. This week we went to a restaurant which was more on the upper end of what we usually go for. Mains were £25 - £45. We all chose our food, but when ordering, the waiter managed to talk 3 of us into trying ‘the chefs special’. This was a rather elaborate and unusual dish, he didn’t mention the price but I would have thought it would be between £55-£60 at least from the description. When the bill came, they realised that it was over £90. The 3 offered to take one bottle of wine out of the total and share it between them to make up for their expensive dish.
In the end we paid £110 each and they paid £125 each. However, my main was £25 and plus drinks (i only had one water and one glass of wine from the shared bottle, others had much more to drink, and most had a starter but i didn’t). I would have paid around £40. So I ended up paying 3x as much.

We all really don’t mind if we pay a bit more than we consumed and we regularly go out eating together so things balance itself out. I was aware that the bill would be split and I was happy to do as usual (before knowing what their dish costed) so I couldn’t really say anything and I just paid, but I feel that £40 compared to £110 was just too big a difference on that occasion.
Would you have said anything, even tough everyone knew in advance that the bill would be split?

I would say ALWAYS split bills by items. Unless it really is a place where there is a set menu and the bill WILL be the same whatever you choose. Even then though, there is often a two course option and a three course option. Also drinks are very different prices, so if some people drink several alcoholic drinks, some drink soft drinks and some just have water, that can make a noticeable difference.

We pay for drinks each as and when we order them (some don’t drink alcohol so it’s fair) then when get the bill it’s for food only and we can then pay for whatever courses we eat
Some of the places we do that or we buy drinks at the bar, then the people who've had wine at the table knock off the wine before we split (but that's where courses are within a few quid of each other).

Everyone was free to say something.

Do we still not know what the 90 quid meal was?

In this case, absolutely it is. I do feel when my bill is £5 more one time, and there's is £3.50 more the next time, but then next time we eat at theirs and they get the food in, the next time it's at mine and I give them a lift etc etc, it's a bit much to go through it line by line, yes (this over the course of decades). And pointless too, because overall it balances out, doesn't it? I have friends like this, who I'm sure don't know I feel this way, because I wouldn't want to make them uncomfortable. But I do hate sitting in restaurants, quibbling over pennies at the end of a meal.It takes away from the enjoyment, for me. But ultimately I guess my point to the OP was that even as someone who usually prefers not to split bills, I can see why they would be upset, as this seems like a whole other level.

I think because you agreed to split the bill at this more expensive restaurant and you knew from ordering that you were having way less than everyone else then no, if I was you, I wouldn’t have said anything on the night and I definitely wouldn’t after the fact.

You chose to have much less than everyone else, knowing what they were ordering and drinking.

I think you’re focused on the special being so ridiculously expensive. But really, it couldn’t actually have made that much difference to how much you paid.

If your 3 friends had mid-priced mains instead the bill would only have been around £180 less. And they paid £45 of it. Leaving less than £150 extra on the bill. Splitting that between you all is only around £10-15 each.

So most of the extra you paid came from paying a tenth of everyone else’s starter and wine. That would easily have added £40-50 to your bill.

And you still say you were happy to do that.

Also, your main at £25 plus a glass of the wine (at £45 a bottle) and your share of the tip, you would have been due more than £40. And it sounds like the kind of place that would charge for water.

I get it’s annoying paying so much more. And you definitely got stung. I hope it was just annoying. And that by paying it, you didn’t leave yourself short of money that month.

first question to ask yourself is - do you think anyone else realised you had so much less and we’re paying so much more? You didn’t have a starter so that’s noticeable. But how much wine people are drinking is hard to keep track of.

second, if you really hadn’t wanted or been able to pay that much more and you’d said so, what do you think their reaction would have been?

because it seems they all happily paid a share of the expensive specials because they didn’t want your three friends to each have an extra £50 or so to pay themselves. They chose instead to pay just £10 each instead. Those are great friends to have. I’m sure they’d have done the same for you if you’d been one of the three.

and the three who bumped up the bill (clearly by accident) did still insist on paying extra. And that extra would have made things reasonable for most folks. Again, great friends to have.

I think maybe you’re underestimating them and yourself as one of them by focusing on the negative experience you had this one time. Rather than seeing how positive this would have been for you if you’d been on the other side of it.

if the issue is that you can’t afford to spend that level of money on a meal - whether you’ve eaten your share or not - and going to these places becomes a thing then next time say that you’d rather not go somewhere so pricey. or agree that if you go, you will only be able to put in enough to cover what you have.

if you can afford it and it was just about being annoyed that you paid so much more that once, then just even things up over the next few meals out.

And look out for other folks being in that situation and make your point by insisting they pay a lesser share. That’s a good way of addressing the issue of fairness in these situations. And others are much less likely to react badly when you’re speaking up for someone else

I think the point was, it wasn't WAY more expensive for the standard mains at this restaurant, just slightly more which everyone was prepared for, and no one knew the price of the chefs specials at the point of ordering.

The super high price was discovered after it was assumed they'd all split and the bill was divvied up, came to a huge amount and then examined closely. Which makes it a bit late for someone to speak up and say 'um, no... ' without the potential for it being very awkward.

I'd have just said do you mind if I just pay for what I had as I only spent £40 and over £100 is out of my budget

@SunRainStorm a menu special is not the same as being 'on special' which is an American term for a discount. A menu special is something new for the night/week made by the chef. Generally the price ranges from cheaper to more expensive it just depends on the ingredients.

But a special is not the same as 'on special'.

@Echio no sorry, I completely disagree that its anyone other than the responsibility of the person who ordered the dish. They were stupid to order it without asking the price, particularly as OP has since said the waiter properly egged it up as a 'one chance you'll ever have to try this' which suggests it was something really expensive/unusual - I'm thinking perhaps like the way wagyu steak was marketed a few years ago before it became mainstream.

It's completely different to the thread about the hen party - for one thing nearly everybody on that thread actually agreed that it was the person who dropped out who SHOULD (morally) pay, and also that the organiser was somewhat at fault for not getting money up front. It was only because the drop out hen refused that the consensus was that the next fairest way was for everyone to split it equally rather than 3 people paying an excessive amount. IIRC it would only be an extra £13 rather than the £70 OP paid!

So again different to this because some people who also had a big meal/lots of drinks would only be paying slightly more than they ordered, whereas people like OP would be paying triple the amount they ordered. Also in the hen do scenario the drop out didn't get the benefit of the trip, whereas OPs friends ate their expensive meal, so they have absolutely no argument not to pay for it.

The equivalent in this scenario would be if one of the £90 orderers ran off without paying, so OP is asking if their cost of the bill should be split between, for example, the other people who ordered the expensive meal or the 3 people sitting closest to him...or divided between the whole group, which is a completely different scenario.

- Also OP this thread is going to be catnip to the journalists on MSN/daily mail etc so give it a day or two and you might be getting some interesting messages from the group (ideally offers to pay you all back from the cheeky £90 fuckers!) --

You have to pay for the 'privilege' of seeing your friends? They'd want nothing to do with you if you didn't subsidise them? That's very sad. Please don't advocate your way as anything normal because it's not.

Even my kids know that you can't buy friendship and shouldn't even want to.

I think you shouldn't have waited untill they made their calculations. Next time just speak up before, say you can only afford xxx.

Which craft/hobby group are you in.. Hope it ain’t one I’m in too😂😂 Damn cheek anyway.. if they wanted chef special.. then they should have paid for it.. scroungers in my opinion

I think the 3 who had the £90 dishes were rude not to insist on paying the £90 plus their share of drinks, etc. I ordered a lobster noodle dish while dining in Singapore with a friend. He had pad Thai. My dish was “market price”, which ended up being $300… We were both aghast. However, I insisted on paying for my dish as it would have been completely unfair to expect my friend to split the bill when his dish was $25. He did offer to split it too. I wouldn’t hear of it as it would be wrong. Just like it’s wrong if the 3 people who had the £90 dish to expect others to subsidise their meal.

How are they not offering you a way out?

Rubbish friends

Lesson learned.

This is why I never agree to split a bill. I will only pay for what I have eaten and drunk. I am not ashamed to bring out the calculator!

@Jyas I’m curious where is this place with £90 mains. Can you give us a hint without outing yourself? I might also mention in the group chat if there is one for organising that the location was too expensive and you weren’t expecting to spend what you did. Perhaps the others might realise the unfairness of it all.

I generally go out in a group of around 4-5-6, and we split the bill per person not per couple as we're all about the same in terms of quantity and quality. If I go out in a much larger group, I make a mental note of roughly what's ordered, and if it seems like some are heavy eaters / drinkers then after dessert I'll head to the loos and on my way there tell the staff I want to pay just for mine. I add in drinks and service of course, not trying to stiff anyone, but I've been caught before with a hugely inflated bill when I had a modest main, soft drink and no pud, so not doing that again. There is one person in the extended group who hoovers up food and drink, always getting the most expensive items on the menu, damned if I'm subsidising him again. When the bill comes I say oh I've already paid for mine, and let the others work it out.

I bought drinks for the group when it was my birthday - he actually changed his order from a single to a double when he realised I was paying! Funny that no one else seems to mind.. But I noticed last time the extended group went out, several people told the staff when ordering that they'd be paying separately. Perhaps the message is getting through, no more subsidising Mr Greedyguts.

Just speak up, the worst that can happen is that you get fewer invites.

I'm with doingtheboxerbeat

I have been in this situation in a group of 12 who I didn't know well. I just said I'm only paying for my share. The others had 3 courses with wines and spirits. It wasn't a regular meet up and I didn't have much money.

Going forward I would just say to the group I'm sorry but money is tight so I'm going to need a separate bill and tell the waiter when your ordering.

I think the suggestion to split more evenly has to come from one of the people who will be paying more. Its really difficult to speak up for paying individually if you are aware that your meal was cheapest. However, in my groups of friends, there are several of us who will point out that X had only one course and no alcohol.

In general, I prefer splitting the bill. I was caught out several times when younger with people who left early/forgot or miscalculated how much they drank/left money for their 2 or 3 courses not their coffee/didn't include much if anything for a tip

The ones who had the £90 main should’ve just paid their share of the bill. To offer to buy a bottle of wine is a bloody cheek! They basically expect the rest of you to pay for their much more expensive food which is not right.

Oh, I was planning to spend ... tonight and as my bill is ... I'm happy to put in a bit extra but not £80. Cheers!

It's easy to split bills now that everything's digital, no difficult arithmetic for the staff. And fewer hassles for the group, no resentment or budget difficulties for those who're having a modest meal. Too many people don't give it a thought they might be causing problems for others - it's like buying rounds in pubs - just don't! Buy your own! Problem solved.

I would have offered to do the washing up because no way am I paying £110 for one meal. Get some lower maintenance friends perhaps? Also not everyone drinks alcohol so splitting the bill like that is just not ok in my family. Xx