Page 20 | if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

bubbleaf · 2023-08-03T09:57:21+00:00

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends. Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd. I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth. I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

Hollyppp · 04/08/2023 07:27

YANBU she’s sounds unhelpful to me and
i would also be sad/frustrated/ disappointed.

I’ve just had a c section 5 days ago (second baby) and my mum came to help and did TONS. Played all day with a toddler til 7:30. Did all our washing, helped my husband with some cooking (he did most), made cups of tea, changed bed sheets. Would have got more nappies if needed. Came to rock the baby 3-4am (stayed over night), got up with toddler to give breakfast sometimes.
She was a lifesaver

Hollyppp · 04/08/2023 07:34

Indigotree · 03/08/2023 20:59

Many, many people's are.

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Agree!

Just because for some women it’s easy doesn’t mean you can generalise and say all new mums should find it easy all the time and never ask for help/ support. That’s just not fair or reasonable

Naunet · 04/08/2023 08:13

CecilyP · 03/08/2023 20:51

I just don't understand why it's the OP's mother who is getting it in the neck, rather than her husband or indeed her MIL or her FIL or her own father.

Well we know OP’s husband is at work but is hands on when home. Perhaps her father is isn’t around, or perhaps he does as little as her mother- but he doesn’t boast about how much he helps. The PIL may live further away or, because OP has less of a relationship with them, they are not so disappointing.

and the attitude towards a woman in menopause who says she's tired and therefore must be an alcoholic secret drinking is shocking.

Being tired is one thing, being unable to do anything after 4 pm because you’re tired is another. While drinking hadn’t occurred to me, it’s food for thought!

So it’s everyone else’s problem that a man decides to have a baby he can’t parent through the week, and women must rush around to pick up for him? Fuck that, he needs to change jobs, he’s a parent now and these things are HIS responsibility. A job isn’t a get out of jail free cards for OPs mum is it? So it’s not for him either.

Zanatdy · 04/08/2023 08:16

It’s perfectly normal to wish your mum would be more helpful, in the real word that is, not mumsnet. I guess she’s not going to change. Can your husbands work change? Is he always going to be away all week or just temporary? My parents were an immense help when my brother and I had our kids. We both had our first child before we were 20 and my parents were still in their 40’s, so had a lot of energy to help out. My second and third I lived 250 miles away so they weren’t very involved and my brothers 3, late in life baby with his new wife, my mum (dad sadly passed) can’t help at all really apart from cooking them all dinner at hers once or twice a week (which is a big help in itself). My mums got oesteoporosis and is 70 this year, so doesn’t feel capable to care for a baby anymore. She would help in other ways if she could, but doesn’t drive etc. They knew they’d get little help as wife’s parents overseas but in their mid - late 40’s it’s very tiring and they could certainly use the help. If I was closer I’d help, I have offered to babysit when they go away, so they might take me up on it one day!

Blossomtoes · 04/08/2023 08:19

A job isn’t a get out of jail free cards for OPs mum is it?

We don’t know whether she has a job, OP hasn’t told us. A job’s pretty damned important, isn’t it? Your hatred of men is pretty tedious @Naunet.

saraclara · 04/08/2023 08:21

CatsSnore · 03/08/2023 21:53

Why is it more the grandmothers responsibility than the mothers who could have had them deliveroo'd?

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Let me point out that not all of us live in places where instant delivery services are available. Where I live there is no uber, no deliveroo or any of those service for groceries. And it's not like I live in the arse end of nowhere. I'm in the far reaches of commuterland, and if I was a lone mum that had run out of something, then I'd have no options other than to go out and get it myself, or do without.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 04/08/2023 08:25

saraclara · 04/08/2023 08:21

Let me point out that not all of us live in places where instant delivery services are available. Where I live there is no uber, no deliveroo or any of those service for groceries. And it's not like I live in the arse end of nowhere. I'm in the far reaches of commuterland, and if I was a lone mum that had run out of something, then I'd have no options other than to go out and get it myself, or do without.

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Plus instant delivery is much more expensive than going to the supermarket and not everyone has extra cash for unexpectedly needed deliveries.

CecilyP · 04/08/2023 08:35

Naunet · 04/08/2023 08:13

So it’s everyone else’s problem that a man decides to have a baby he can’t parent through the week, and women must rush around to pick up for him? Fuck that, he needs to change jobs, he’s a parent now and these things are HIS responsibility. A job isn’t a get out of jail free cards for OPs mum is it? So it’s not for him either.

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Surely it’s quite normal for at least one parent to work. Isn’t it his job to support his family. And many of those jobs will involve working early or late. It’s also quite normal for the majority of people working in London to have to commute. They can’t all live near their work. It would also be impossible for them all to find work locally on becoming parents.

We’ve no idea if OP’s mum works or not. She obviously wasn’t working when OP phoned her. We just know that at 59 she’s tired at 4 pm.

Naunet · 04/08/2023 08:43

Blossomtoes · 04/08/2023 08:19

A job isn’t a get out of jail free cards for OPs mum is it?

We don’t know whether she has a job, OP hasn’t told us. A job’s pretty damned important, isn’t it? Your hatred of men is pretty tedious @Naunet.

You think it’s ‘hatred of men’ to expect them to parent the children they bring into this world?! Jesus fucking Christ!

Naunet · 04/08/2023 08:45

CecilyP · 04/08/2023 08:35

Surely it’s quite normal for at least one parent to work. Isn’t it his job to support his family. And many of those jobs will involve working early or late. It’s also quite normal for the majority of people working in London to have to commute. They can’t all live near their work. It would also be impossible for them all to find work locally on becoming parents.

We’ve no idea if OP’s mum works or not. She obviously wasn’t working when OP phoned her. We just know that at 59 she’s tired at 4 pm.

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Work yes, be away for the whole week? No. This is something THE TWO OF THEM should have thought about before having a child, not just assume other women would pick up HIS share of parenting. My god, the entitlement to women time and labour whilst the actual father is allowed to fuck off all week is unbelievable. There are other jobs out there you know?

usernother · 04/08/2023 08:50

OP's husband isn't around much during the week because of work so people are saying he should change his job?? Mad Mumsnet at its finest. The baby will get easier as it gets older. What's happening now in the OP's life won't stay the same. Her Mum might help out more once the baby is older.

Blossomtoes · 04/08/2023 08:51

Naunet · 04/08/2023 08:45

Work yes, be away for the whole week? No. This is something THE TWO OF THEM should have thought about before having a child, not just assume other women would pick up HIS share of parenting. My god, the entitlement to women time and labour whilst the actual father is allowed to fuck off all week is unbelievable. There are other jobs out there you know?

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He’s not “allowed to fuck off”. He’s at work, earning money. That’s a fairly key part of being a parent. Anyone reading your posts would think he spends Monday to Friday on holiday.

Naunet · 04/08/2023 08:53

Blossomtoes · 04/08/2023 08:51

He’s not “allowed to fuck off”. He’s at work, earning money. That’s a fairly key part of being a parent. Anyone reading your posts would think he spends Monday to Friday on holiday.

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Well he’s not working 24/7 is he, so those hours spent in a hotel or whatever, pretty much are a holiday if you have a newborn at home, don’t you think? Why do you think men are allowed to have children they have no time to parent?

Blossomtoes · 04/08/2023 08:55

Why do you think men are allowed to have children they have no time to parent?

Who “allows” men to have children? Every post gets more absurd.

Naunet · 04/08/2023 08:55

Well there’s your answer OP, apparently it’s fine for you to go get a job working away all week, and then some other fucker has to pick up parenting for you, and you can just come and see your baby at the weekend, and as long as you’re earning money, it’s all good.

Naunet · 04/08/2023 08:58

Blossomtoes · 04/08/2023 08:55

Why do you think men are allowed to have children they have no time to parent?

Who “allows” men to have children? Every post gets more absurd.

From the woman who called me a man hater for expecting fathers to parent their own children 😂

Maybe acceptable would have been a better word, but it’s very telling that you focus on that, rather than the actual point.

RoyalImpatience · 04/08/2023 09:02

Only read page one but I imagine it's the telling people how amazing she is when the reality is different is what's massively rubbed you up the wrong way.

Blossomtoes · 04/08/2023 09:03

It’s not “telling” at all. Ours is a military family where fathers can be away six months at a time. Nobody has ever suggested they shouldn’t have children because they don’t come home every night. Although I expect you would.

Naunet · 04/08/2023 09:06

Blossomtoes · 04/08/2023 09:03

It’s not “telling” at all. Ours is a military family where fathers can be away six months at a time. Nobody has ever suggested they shouldn’t have children because they don’t come home every night. Although I expect you would.

Its very telling. And I was also raised in a military family, so what?

Look, if as a couple you decide to have a baby despite one parent being away 24/7, that’s fine (although not great for the child), as long as you’re not expecting other people to fill in for the absent parent. They didn’t get a say in bringing this baby into the world, and it’s not their job to cover for someone else’s lack of parenting, simple as that.

SorryForTheRant · 04/08/2023 09:14

@Naunet no not really "simple as that." This discussion has gone so far from the OPs original post but regardless of the reason of her husband working from home, she is perfectly entitled to feel hurt at a lack of support from her mum, particularly when her mum says she helps loads which minimises the OP's role.

We have no idea of the OPs circumstances, other than that she says her DH is great when present, so I would assume he hasn't just unilaterally decided to work away during the week otherwise OP would probably be a bit less generous with her praise.

All I can do is relate to my own circumstances, where even if my husband was a feckless layabout who did nothing (he absolutely isn't), I'd be gutted if my mum didn't help because I'm her daughter - equally I'd put my mum needing help above anything else in the world except my own child (and even then if I thought my mum needed me more I'd be there). I hope in future my daughter is commenting on posts like this telling the OP it's fine to be upset cos she'd be gutted if I wasn't there to help her out.

You saying "simple as that" is a really reductive way of looking at a complex dynamic between the OP and her mum.

Naunet · 04/08/2023 09:19

SorryForTheRant · 04/08/2023 09:14

@Naunet no not really "simple as that." This discussion has gone so far from the OPs original post but regardless of the reason of her husband working from home, she is perfectly entitled to feel hurt at a lack of support from her mum, particularly when her mum says she helps loads which minimises the OP's role.

We have no idea of the OPs circumstances, other than that she says her DH is great when present, so I would assume he hasn't just unilaterally decided to work away during the week otherwise OP would probably be a bit less generous with her praise.

All I can do is relate to my own circumstances, where even if my husband was a feckless layabout who did nothing (he absolutely isn't), I'd be gutted if my mum didn't help because I'm her daughter - equally I'd put my mum needing help above anything else in the world except my own child (and even then if I thought my mum needed me more I'd be there). I hope in future my daughter is commenting on posts like this telling the OP it's fine to be upset cos she'd be gutted if I wasn't there to help her out.

You saying "simple as that" is a really reductive way of looking at a complex dynamic between the OP and her mum.

You might, but you can’t feel entitled to that from all other women. Not every woman relished being a parent and so not every woman wants to take on care for their grandchild, I mean grandfathers are NEVER under this much pressure to help so much, and that’s ok for some reason. Having a vagina doesn’t mean you want to dedicate your life to putting other people first all the time. OPs mum is tired, she doesn’t want to take on some of the fathers responsibilities, and whilst OP might find that hurtful, the fact is, she has no responsibility to do these things.

The first stop should be reassessing the fathers job, because the current set up isn’t working, OP needs more support. The parents are responsible for the child’s care, and it really is as simple as that, any additional help you get is a gift, it should never be counted on or expected.

ghostofchristmasfuture · 04/08/2023 09:23

So many judgemental responses. In some cultures it's almost taken for granted that families will help each other, but clearly not among white British people.

I feel the same about my mum. She tells everyone she's an enormous help to her children, and she isn't, but tbh your mother sounds worse. I would mourn it, and move on. Motherhood brings up a lot of feelings about your own parents. It can be a difficult time, when you realise who your parents really are.

You should talk to your husband, though, because this set up seems unsustainable, and really it's his responsibility to be around to look after his child.

stayclosetoyourself · 04/08/2023 09:36

Agree with Naunet. Family members should support each other through live when that can , as able but there is no duty of care from a Gm and should be no expectation of physical help.
My first gc was born when I was only 53 when my own youngest child was 13, and my second gc when I was58 - I have a full on job and arthritis, I feel I've slowed down quite a bit now at60 and have to pace myself. I also feel overwhelmed by demands from work, home, adult children at times and my older children stay here most weeks with their children - both single parents. It can be too much sometimes and I don't think they always understand that.

stayclosetoyourself · 04/08/2023 09:36

Through love

CecilyP · 04/08/2023 09:43

Naunet · 04/08/2023 08:45

Work yes, be away for the whole week? No. This is something THE TWO OF THEM should have thought about before having a child, not just assume other women would pick up HIS share of parenting. My god, the entitlement to women time and labour whilst the actual father is allowed to fuck off all week is unbelievable. There are other jobs out there you know?

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Not entirely sure from the OP if he is away all week or just a daily commuter. What could they have thought about. They didn’t know she’d have a C-section. They didn’t know she’d run out of nappies and be unable to drive. Probably had no idea how hard she’d find it.

OP wasn’t assuming another woman would do his share. Just disappointed that one woman who is her actual mother wouldn’t help out when she was available and he was not.

Going to work is hardly fucking off. I know there are other jobs and I’m sure there a thousands of London commuters competing for local jobs. Doesn’t mean they’ll all get one.