if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

[bubbleaf]

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

I can't do anything in the evenings most nights - once a month I go to a club at 7.30 and it's an absolute struggle.

I am teetotal. but I'm being seen as a secret drinker and that's so upsetting

I am teetotal. but I'm being seen as a secret drinker and that's so upsetting

You’re not. Unless you’re OP’s mum. Everything isn’t about you.

People will be assuming i'm a secret drinker.

Poorly phrased on my part.

Many, many people's are.

That's very nice for you, but not a reason to dismiss the experiences of the very many parents who do go through this and to criticise and judge them for not being able to do the things you were able to do.

I didn't dismiss anyone's experiences and I never criticized or judged anyone either.

But plenty of people here are.

But you quoted me?

And I haven't done any of those things. I would never do that.

For the hard of understanding:

OP rarely asks her mum for help

OP asked her mum once for some nappies when she was recovering from a c-section

OP’s mum babysat once for 45 mins whilst OP had a haircut

OP does not expect help

Op’s mum keeps telling OP and others that she is such a help to OP

OP’s mum is deluded and should not be humoured.

Why is this thread now the 'struggling with a young baby as a FTM vs how hard menopause is' thread?

I don't see what menopause has to do with it. It's very clear to me that OP isn't asking her mother for help every single day. If menopause (if the mother is even suffering with which is just rampant speculation) is that debilitating that she can never do anything after 4pm even occasionally, she needs to go to a doctor.

Why doesn't she want to go and sit with her daughter for an hour or two of an evening every fortnight or so to provide a bit of moral support? OP isn't sending her to the supermarket with a list as long as her arm or asking her to have her baby overnight. It's just bizarre to me that your child can say I need help and you refuse if you are physically and mentally capable of being there for them. Which imo being 'tired' isn't a reason not to.

I don't see what OPs FIL/MIL/Father have to do with it either. The relationship you have with your mother is different to every other relationship in my opinion. I wouldn't reach out for help to my FIL, why would I? Maybe to take the baby out but not for emotional support.

Lastly I couldn't do it without my partner during the week but you can't just leave your job at the drop of a hat and get another one in your field with the same pay close to home. It's more complicated than that. We don't know what his job is and why he has to be away during the week, do we?

It was just that you responded to my explanation as to why mothers of young babies might not be able to manage alone by saying you didn't find it hard.

My friends that I talk to it about have ALL had a hard time in one way or another - fatigue, needing HRT to sort hormonal symptoms, hot flushes, brain fog, skin itching, being cold all the time, putting on weight - I could go on and on.

No, your friends might well have symptoms and talk about them. What is less likely is that they all had their last period significantly later than 52.

@Turtlegurl888 the op says

"I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends."

So why would she be going to her mother for emotional support if that is the case?

When I say I'm tired I mean I'm physically and mentally wrung out and incapable of doing anything more than sitting at home.

The OP should have talked things through better with her husband in terms of the help and support she needed post-section, and indeed should do so now in terms of what support she needs going forward. He should be her support mechanism, not her mum (especially given that she says that her mum isn't someone she usually goes to for support)

My mum has never bought nappies for any of my children, which I do not mind in the least

My very best friend is 56 and still getting periods.

My other friend is the same age as me and still getting periods.

My mum didn't stop til her mid-fifties.

Menopausal symptoms are more than just the end of menses.

All I said was that was not my experience. That wasn't a criticism of anyone else. It was just a statement of fact.

I am autistic (as I've already said on the thread) and I do miss social cues sometimes and if I have offended it certainly wasn't my intention.

All I meant was that it wasn't my experience. it wasn't a criticism of anyone else.

I'm a grandmother. Back in the day I had no help really with my DC as my mum was disabled, dad busy looking after her and inlaws had both died. DH and I tag teamed it pretty well and he was brilliant. Now my DD has 2 DC and I help out a lot and always have. I wanted her to have a easier life than I had. By the way those who are saying that it is not unusual for a late fifties year old to be tired after 4.00 p.m. I find this very unlikely unless there are significant health issues. I am late sixties, DH is in his seventies and we manage perfectly well. Don't forget most people would still be working in their fifties and most jobs don't stop at 4.00 p.m.!
OP your mum is obviously never going to be a hands on GM so you can't rely on her. I had no-one either really (apart from DH) and we coped, it was fine. You will be fine. Re the boasting not sure what you can do about that, can't control what she says to others after all.

Under normal circumstances she wouldn’t. It’s just the once, when OP had completely run out and asked, her mother refused because at the grand old age of 59, she couldn’t go out after 6 pm. Whilst trying to appear oh so helpful by offering to buy nappies in the morning.

Why is it more the grandmothers responsibility than the mothers who could have had them deliveroo'd?

Cecilyp, still, the mum can get her own nappies surely without resenting her own mum

It’s not her responsibility but it would have been a nice kind thing to do for her daughter. As it was, I expect OP did get a deliveroo in the end.

Beelivery could have delivered them in 15mins depending on her area.

Could have rung the definitely tech savvy DH and got him to order it if she had no hands free. No need to force anyone to go out to the shops

Grandma here. You don't give much context. Your mum is 59, she may or may not be working, she may have health struggles, she may have a life of her own. She's her own woman.

My own context, I work full time, help my DD as much as I can with GC.Love them both to bits and would give them the world, but GC is not my primary responsibility and after a 10 hour working day, I only have so much to give. I've done this all before with my own children, have a lot else going on, and DD has to accept what I can offer. I offer everything I possibly can while still looking after my own needs. Is there any chance my DD could write a similar post to you? I truly hope not, I really hope she would communicate her anxieties and dissatisfaction to me first, but maybe she wouldn't.

Whether your mum could or should do more, who knows. It's not just about you though. I hope it gets easier with your baby and you can enjoy your time more. Lean on friends and husband.

God alive, I'd get nappies for my neighbour if she needed them at short notice. Well anything actually. It's called helping out.

And yes I find your Mum's behaviour odd because my Mum helped me out with my babies so much, especially post C section.

And guess what I fully intend to be available to help if my DC need a hand . Isn't that what 'relationships " are about? Helping people in their time of need. And Those first months after having a baby are so intense.

And of course it's not DG's actual responsibility per se, but god alive what's the point in relationships anyway? Some of the replies on here are so cold and hard.
^
As for her being so tired, bit odd really, but that's her prerogative. But she could still give you a hand in other ways if she cared to.

The showing off to others, that would get right on my tits but by this stage I think she's not very caring anyway.^

Im a grandparent and look after my granddaughter 3 times a week as childcare and have done this since she was 8 months old, she's 3 now.
I'm besotted by her and also very close to my daughter. Any emergency we're her first port of call. I wouldn't want it any other way. But that's us.

It must be really disappointing for you but think you have to accept your mum's terms or just get on with it. It's probably not how you thought it would be but it is. It's her loss. Try and build up a network of mum friends.