if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

[bubbleaf]

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

Sorry I was 52. I have a few friends who have had gc fairly young, while still bringing up their own children and working. Some of them feel after all their own child rearing they live their gc but they are not taking on childcare, which I think is fair enough.

OPs mum is tired, she doesn’t want to take on some of the fathers responsibilities, and whilst OP might find that hurtful, the fact is, she has no responsibility to do these things.

Then perhaps she should be honest about it instead of pretending she is a great help to her daughter.

The first stop should be reassessing the fathers job, because the current set up isn’t working, OP needs more support. The parents are responsible for the child’s care, and it really is as simple as that, any additional help you get is a gift, it should never be counted on or expected.

They don’t have to reassess. The situation is temporary for OP. I’m sure things will get easier for OP as the baby gets older. She also get over her mother’s lack of help although I expect the claiming to help will still grate.

*Well there’s your answer OP, apparently it’s fine for you to go get a job working away all week, and then some other fucker has to pick up parenting for you, and you can just come and see your baby at the weekend, and as long as you’re earning money, it’s all good.
*
Reductive nonsense.

Going to work isn't " fucking off". It's being part of a parenting team. Many parents have to commute long hours or work away. Lucky you if you can drop it all and change, especially if you're balancing a mortgage on top of a new baby. What world do you live in?

When you first have a baby it can be a really specific, chaotic time. Especially if you've had a C section along side. It's a stage. It's a change. Most people drop the ball occasionally but then get used to it and the world moves on.

Many many parents help their kids out. Some of the nonsense on here is unbelievable.

And god alive who hasn't run out of something?

Going to work isn't " fucking off". It's being part of a parenting team. Many parents have to commute long hours or work away. Lucky you if you can drop it all and change, especially if you're balancing a mortgage on top of a new baby. What world do you live in?

We both had jobs that involved considerable 'fucking off' in fact I spent several months of every year abroad Monday to Friday, and DS had a job that involved travel for maybe ten days a month for nine months a year. Obviously that wasn't going to work with us having a baby, so we changed jobs before we had one. It's not that difficult to grasp, surely don't have a baby if your job won't allow you to actually parent it at all five days a week?

don't have a baby if your job won't allow you to actually parent it at all five days a week?

Not sure what you mean tbh. Both parents? One parent?

Sorry @Paperclipped not sure what you're getting at here.

OP does look after her baby as it happens. Her partner works. But saying that she could be on maternity leave and going back to work. Millions do. 🤷‍♀️

@Naunet it has nothing to do with "having a vagina" - I expect way more help from my dad than I do from my mother in law due to the fact that I have a much closer relationship with my dad. If either of my parents were prepared to watch me struggle because they have already had their children then it would impact my relationship with them because to date that is not the relationship we have - I go out of my way to help them and vice versa.

Maybe this makes me entitled - I don't see it that way. I see that this is how my family works - family help each other out. As PPs have pointed out maybe this is decreasing in the modern U.K., but certainly isn't an unreasonable premise in other cultures and wasn't an unreasonable premise in the U.K. in the past. Equally, my DH would drop everything for my family as he knows they would for us, but would be much less likely to put himself out for his own family as they wouldn't do the same for us.

The OP asked if she was being unreasonable to feel disappointed, my answer is no - it is her mum's choice whether to help or not, but OP is equally allowed to be disappointed if her mum chooses not to for whatever reason.

Bit of a drip-feed OP. You could have mentioned your C section in your initial question!

I have an aunt that tells people what a nice person she is haha she's told me how nice and helpful she is. She's not unhelpful but nothing out the ordinary. I find her hilarious for this and have to stiffle giggles when I hear her telling people. However it makes my mum mad. She get annoyed about it. However I don't think anyone I know actually believes she this super nice person for the very reason that she keeps saying it. I'm sure all the genuinely helpful and supportive people in your life think she's a bit of an ass for saying how helpful she is all the time. Personally I'd laugh it off and be confident in the fact that she's making a bit of an ass of herself for keeping on blowing her own trumpet when it's quite clearly not true.

The OP asked if she was being unreasonable to feel disappointed, my answer is no - it is her mum's choice whether to help or not, but OP is equally allowed to be disappointed if her mum chooses not to for whatever reason.

This . Yes

The bottom line for me is that the OP's mother refused to do something for her that I would do without a passing thought for a neighbour I hardly knew. And a depressing number of other posters agree with her. Which is a horrible thing to think about.

I mean if my daughter had a C section I would either be there , she here or at very least call over with groceries nappies etc as often as possible.
On a routine basis , running out of nappies as a mum is a bit basic / disorganised so it does depend a bit on the situation

She sounds really unhelpful. It's hard not having anyone to call upon when you have young children, no one is obliged to help but it would be really nice it they did! It can make you feel crap when you see how wonderful friends parents are with support after they have a baby.

But look on the bright side, at least you won't feel obliged to do any elderly care m/shopping/appointments/admin and can just offer to have her over for coffee once per week at a time that suits you!

Look, if as a couple you decide to have a baby despite one parent being away 24/7, that’s fine (although not great for the child), as long as you’re not expecting other people to fill in for the absent parent. They didn’t get a say in bringing this baby into the world, and it’s not their job to cover for someone else’s lack of parenting, simple as that.

Of course it's not anyone's ' job.'

But it's part of sharing, community , family and guess what millions actually LIKE to be able to help especially around times of birth. It's really not an extraordinary thing to happen.

Which is why OP's mother is telling everyone she's doing it.
That's the kicker. She's pretending she's part of that ( entirely ordinary ) convention of helping her daughter. ^

It's really not about she shouldn't have to. She could say " I don't have to". But she^ pretends to help so recognises that it often happens between mothers and daughters.

And yes I think you're perfectly right to fell disappointed. But you've learnt OP. You'll build other community around your baby and once the new born stage has passed you'll manage fine without her.

Helping is about connection so ultimately it's her loss.

^
^

Think it’s because you are supposed to do more now, not just feed and wash them. You are supposed to put on full on puppet shows everyday. And teach them to write and identify trees and everything. And never let them watch telly.

Please ignore all these unkind people. We know what sort of grandparents they would be. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask her to get nappies if you’ve had a c section and can’t drive, I’m not the most helpful or kind person in the world but I’d probably do that for a total stranger. I don’t expect gp’s to do anything if they don’t want to, but for your dm to pretend she does is quite bizarre and I would quite happily put people straight on that. I’d also never ask her for anything again, then she can’t lie about it. Wouldn’t bother to go to see her, either.

OP says that her mum is zero help at all. None. And mentions emotional help as being the biggest challenge and you reply with “She’s not your full time baby nurse?????” What the fuck?!?! So you’ve twisted OP wanting natural maternal support from her mum (- whom btw, is telling everyone she IS being invaluably supportive)and you’ve twisted that into OP demanding a full time baby nurse?! Did you get whiplash with that stretch?!

You need a network of friends you can rely on if you are home alone all week.

Hahaha! Nonsense! I've been a widowed parent for 7 years with no friends who are of any help. My child was a baby when we lost her dad and I've been on my all week EVERY week for 7 years since. Managed just fine, despite also being disabled with a child with Autism. A Network of Friends is not 'needed' at all

One hair cut?! For 45 mins. Wow grandparent of the year 🏆

. A Network of Friends is not 'needed' at all

Nice though. 👍🏻

Why do you keep assuming everyone has access to these services?

Oh yes I agree it would be wonderful! Not needed though

I agree with @Luxell934 & @Naunet. All sounds like the whole things stems from unrealistic expectations / assumptions that GM would pick up OP & DHs parenting and organisational slack. Something that was probably never discussed with her before they conceived.

We dont know whole story either. Was OP particularly close with her mother socially visiting her very frequently before conceiving or had they drifted apart living completely separate lives since flying the nest 15years or so ago. If the latter, then I wouldn't have assumed to expect anything from the GM (who might also be a much more comfortable GP to an older GC after the baby stage)

It's unfair in the sense that you know she's always been like this but overall no it's not unfair at all and i'm sorry you're not getting more support.

However yes the answer is frankly that if this is how she's behaving you can't expect anything and I would honestly probably just tell her you don't need her help but thank you anyway. She sounds incredibly selfish.

I agree with @Luxell934 & @Naunet. All sounds like the whole things stems from unrealistic expectations / assumptions that GM would pick up OP & DHs parenting and organisational slack.

Helping out a new mother a bit =
picking up parenting and organisational slack

😂😂😂

back in the real world I wonder why GM pretends she helps out?