if you are a grandmother, am I unfairly disappointed in my mum?

[bubbleaf]

Just want to be abundantly clear here that I have rarely asked my mum for help over the years (mid thirties now) as she can be inconsistent with any form of support (understatement). She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing and so if I’m ever having a hard time I go to friends.

Anyway, I had a baby six months ago. My husband works in London mon-fri and is very hands on at weekends. Over my maternity leave so far, my mum has offered to help here and there but in a very specific way which is actually no help at all. For instance she doesn’t like being in our house with dd as she says it’s not her space so always wants me to come to her house (not far but obviously a faff with a baby!). She can’t ever do anything after 4pm which is when dd can become tricky and I could do with the most support. This is because she gets tired at 4pm apparently (she’s 59). I have asked her once to get nappies when I ran out and was told she couldn’t today as she was tired and it was late (6pm) but would tomorrow and said I ‘must’ have some lying round the house. Having ran out of nappies it wasn’t a case of being able to wait until tomorrow. There’s about three examples like this since I had dd.

I know that the answer is expect nothing and don’t ask for anything as she’s not obliged to help me. However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

I wonder if I am missing something?! Genuine question. I know this is petty in the grand scheme of things but are most mums like this? Is my disappointment in her unfair?

Zero help at all would be refusing to do anything OP said her mum watched her 8 week old baby while she went to the hairdressers, that is her mum helping her out. Not helping her out would be to refuse surely. OP said her mum likes having the baby at her own house, so I assume she's willing to help out but in the comfort of her own home. OP said mother won't help out after 4pm because she's tired. Don't you think thats fair enough of the mother to have some boundaries, it seems like the mother will help out but just not willing to do everything OPs way.

We also know nothing about the mother to really comment on this situation. Does she work? Does she have a partner? Does she have other children? Grandchildren? Does she have a chronic illness? Going through menopause? Depression? Anxiety?

Some posters saying she's only 59 why is she so tired?!!! is fucking laughable.
Not everyone is the same you know that right? Peoples bodies are different. One 59 year old is completely different from another 59 year old.

Zero help at all would be refusing to do anything OP said her mum watched her 8 week old baby while she went to the hairdressers,

You know this is splitting straws. You used the term " wanting a full time baby nurse". Give us a break.

Fair enough to have boundaries and get tired after 4pm.

But she's NOT helping . No. She's certainly not giving any emotional support.

But she's pretending she is. She knows it's a thing.

So OPs mum has looked after the baby for mum to have a hair cut, is happy to look after the baby in her own house. I'm sure I read that the OP and her mum go out for weekly coffee (excellent support to get OP out the house and to have a natter) but because she didn't leave her house to get nappies (that OP ran out of) because it was late afternoon and she was tired she has now been villified on here (when there were other options). And yet she's the horrible one!

Sometimes MN is absolutely bonkers on what other people should do for others.

Read Luxell934s latest comment. She has helped out, just not as much as OP wanted/expected her to/immediately. Every 59 year old is different in what they can cope with and their state of physical/emotional health.

And if her exaggerations went too far, you dont know if she has social anxiety and says silly things to people in public in the place of awkward silence alternative.

This.
Lets give the poor GM a break now

Well when OP is 59 and her mum about 83, she won’t be able to help with anything after 4 pm because she’ll be much too old, tired or menopausal- take your pick!

I used the term wanting a full time baby nurse because I'm not really sure what OP wants or expects from her mother. Her post clearly shows the mother is willing to help out with the baby. Just not in sense OP wants. OP wants more emotional support, but maybe she needs to explain to her mother how she could do this.

OP even says "She’s not a bad person but I just don’t think emotional care and patience is her thing".

This is another reason why I hate these mother or mother in law bashing threads. It's vile to say you won't care for your parents in their old age if they don't do exactly what you want now.

ut because she didn't leave her house to get nappies (that OP ran out of) because it was late afternoon and she was tired she has now been villified on here (when there were other options). And yet she's the horrible one!

Don't me us laugh. You know that was a 'for instance.'😂

Not THE reason.

And you know when you 'help' people?
You know about , you listen to them, right? You don't just do what you want? Remember that?

DG doesn't want to help her daughter.
She just wants to pretend to help her daughter.

used the term wanting a full time baby nurse because I'm not really sure what OP wants or expects from her mother. Her post clearly shows the mother is willing to help out with the baby. Just not in sense OP wants. OP wants more emotional support, but maybe she needs to explain to her mother how she could do this.

Yeah right. Of course you're not sure.
None of us are the OP.

You used the most sarcastic and belittling version of what OP might like from her mother to further your point.

Her post shows her mother is not much support AT ALL.

Whilst pretending to be.

She can help as much or as little as she wants. What is unreasonable is making out to others she is indispensable to you when actually she isn't. She appears to help you on her own terms which is fine but she shouldn't be making out to others like she is. She's exaggerating or lying. I'd call her out on it every time but then I find this kind of behaviour. Also I know my mum would get me nappies if asked. We have a very open relationship where we can be open when we talk to each other. It doesn't sound like you can do that with your mum?

*open relationship where we can be quite frank when we talk to each other.

This is another reason why I hate these mother or mother in law bashing threads. It's vile to say you won't care for your parents in their old age if they don't do exactly what you want now.

'EXACTLY '. doing ALOT of heavy lifting there.

Try " a bit of kindness ".

Well it is exactly. OPs mum has helped out a bit considering the baby has only been here for 8 weeks and seen her weekly.

I wonder where all the people are running around late at night picking up milk/nappies/anything their grown up dc run out of every evening. How have you even got time to be on MN when you do such a lot for others on their terms? Why have you subsumed your life to someone elses wants and desires (not need, there are plenty of options that didn't need to include OPs mum for the nappies).

You dont know the whole story how where/how/why she exaggerated so dont make assumptions you know everything.

Could have been an annoying friend of OPs mum chatting to them over coffee, and mum using the "I'm helping my daughter out" line as an excuse for absences from her own social meetups. My mums done it a few times when she cant be assed/too tired to attend all the catchups with her mates and I've no problem with it but OP might have seen red, mistaking it for credit hogging.
You weren't there. You dont know. None of us do. So many people so insistent on attacking this poor woman, OP says she is not a bad person.

I wonder where all the people are running around late at night picking up milk/nappies/anything their grown up dc run out of every evening. How have you even got time to be on MN when you do such a lot for others on their terms? Why have you subsumed your life to someone elses wants and desires (not need, there are plenty of options that didn't need to include OPs mum for the nappies).

This is along the lines of the "full time baby nurse "comment.

" subsumed your life to someone else's wants and desires " 😂

= helping your daughter out when she has a baby

Just like you pretend to.

Well, I believe the OP over you, and OP says her mum has been telling multiple people including OP what a help she has been and how she has been indispensable to her because she's met her for a coffee in a cafe a few times.

YOU are the one making assumptions, Chicaletta

Where has OP says she wants her mum to do exactly what she tells her?

You and your pals sure like to make vile shit up.

I never once said the OP is lying did I 😂
The exaggerations could very easily be due to social anxiety which OP has misunderstood. And she has helped out (we dont know the full story/full itemized list 😂) so she hasnt not helped out.

Sad for OPs mum and all the hatred on here.
It would probably break her heart if she read all this.
Too many identifying factors too so would be easy to guess.

Sad for OPs mum and all the hatred on here.
It would probably break her heart if she read all this.
Too many identifying factors too so would be easy to guess.

Interests me that you are so sad for the OPs mum.

You've invented a possible social anxiety story and say you don't the full list of what she's done.

You also don't have the full list of what she hasn't done. You haven't got a thought for the OP who feels let down and disappointed by her own mother.

It would cannot me to hear her show off like that too. YANBU 🤷‍♀️

However, she has been telling people she is such a help to me and dd while dh is away and she will even say this directly to me… she seems to think she has been indispensable since I had dd simply because she’s met me now and then and had dd once when I got my hair cut for 45 mins 8 weeks after birth.

Some people just read a short post by an OP on here and literally take it as gospel and not question a word of it. OP doesn't state what the mother actually says to anyone or to her. There needs to be context otherwise we have no idea if the mother is being unreasonable.

This could literally be as simple as her mother saying to her daughter "Glad I could be of help to you" after she babysat, or it could be "I am indispensable to you aren't I, what would you do without me".
Why do I think it's probably the former rather than the latter though.

She could of told another family member " I looked after granddaughter whilst she got her hair done, glad I could be there to help" or it could be "I looked after granddaughter, I've been there everyday 9-4 cooking, cleaning and looking after the baby. God knows what she would do without me!" Again probably more likely to be the former since OP doesn't say.

I could’ve written this myself! Now on DS #3 and I’m wondering where the ‘village’ is that’s supposed to help raise a child ☺️ I fully understand that you don’t have children under the guise that everyone will step in to help, but when you see other mothers/grandmothers helping so much, it makes you wonder, doesn’t it?! My mum will openly admit that she wasn’t/isn’t motherly, but like yours, will paint a different picture to her friends! She’s also very lacking in sympathy/empathy, yet oozes it when telling me about so-and-so’s-daughter’s-baby’s-god-knows-what!

I’ve been through all of the emotions with it (and the entire rest of my family tbh!) and it’s exhausting trying to figure out the dynamic. I’m an anxious person anyway which does not help, so I go months of just accepting the behaviours, and then I go on a big downer questioning it all, and concluding that it must just be me!!

So nothing to help really, just to sympathise and to say I know exactly how you feel!! Big hugs xx

Some people just read a short post by an OP on here and literally take it as gospel and not question a word of it.

Equally people ( you and a few ) take a short post by an OP and presume it's lies, exaggerations and twisted.

And That OP wants a " full time baby nurse".

That took you all of 7 mins to decide that.

You're on a serious back track now.

I

???

I'm not back tracking anything? I fully stand by my baby nurse comment.

I don't think OP is lying, but we don't have the full story thats for sure. We have her version of the situation. But theres always three sides to every story right, your side, their side, and the truth. I do think revenant information, like what the mother has actually said to people and other important things about the situation and the mother have been left out.