shaming of mothers with a career?!

[rubopp]

Again today I’ve read a thread where a women is criticised for needing childcare when their child is under one.

AIBU to think if we had threads/comments saying ‘why aren’t you in a decent job to provide well for your dc?’, that they would be deleted?

There’s actually lots of evidence that children do well in life and thrive in higher income homes. No, it’s not everything and overall it probably doesn’t matter… just like it doesn’t matter in the long run if someone decides to stay home with their dc until their dc go to school.

What IS this shaming of mothers who dare to have a career?! Jealously? Narrow mindedness?

I find it mind boggling that people think you can take years out of a career and come back to it… in highly successful roles actually you can’t do that. Though I suspect those people who post such nasty things have no idea if they’ve never achieved that themselves.

There’s lots of benefits to being able to fund all your child’s activities, holidays, books, cultural trips especially as they get older and need house deposits, cars etc so let’s not pretend that the only way to raise a child is to live frugally and don’t dare to make anything of yourself.

Rant over.

I hope my dc will always call out nasty behaviour when she sees it.

And yes, I have indeed said that you have a sad life. Not because you're married or because you're a SAHP or whatever. I couldn't care less about that.

But it's incredibly sad to get your kicks from deliberately trying to make random strangers feel shit on the Internet. Find a hobby or something.

You know fuck all about the choices that people have made. Who appointed you to stand in judgement over anyone else?

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves

Would you call it nasty if your child called people pathetic, said they had a sad life etc

You can challenge another opinion without name calling - as I have done.

The difference is that I'm calling you pathetic on the basis of your behaviour on this thread. You are making shitty comments about the lives of people you don't know without a shred of evidence to support them.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves

Of course I don't know all the choices.

But I don't think all fathers have been rapists or are dead. Thus, of course some women have chosen to sleep with shit men who for whatever reason (by their choice or mothers choice) are not involved in the child's life.

Women should be encouraged to choose good fathers for their children and be careful who the sleep with. And men should also take that responsibility.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves
I have not commented on any 1 persons circumstances. I've actually suggested you Google the statistics on single parent families - many shreds of evidence to be found there. Please do some research.

No, not if they had witnessed someone being deliberately unkind and going out of their way to make others feel shit about themselves. I would think it was a fair assessment.

Deliberately unkind is name calling.
Me referencing statistics and being honest is not unkind.

😳 at some of these comments. Being a single parent is apparently down to your own ‘ poor choices’. I’ve heard it all now. I’m not even a single parent and I find this viewpoint offensive.

Women can’t win, whatever we do. No point turning on each other for it - men do that enough.

But if you really want to be seen as an absolute shit of a human, you can walk a mile in my shoes. Single parent (not lone parent, they do see and spend time with their father), can’t currently work (high needs children), people tell me I’m trying to ‘label’ my children for what are ‘obviously’ behaviour issues stemming from shit parenting and on benefits. But due to previous mentioned circumstances my financial situation is currently better than 99% of the population, which of course makes people even angrier.

I came from a single parent family, I never resented my mum for needing to work. In fact it was one of the few things about her that made me respect her, she taught me that whatever situation we find ourselves in we must always be prepared to look after ourselves. She pulled herself out of being homeless with kids and a pending nasty divorce, to being in a high paid job with her own house in 10 years. Bloody heroic if you ask me, I’ll quite probably never get to that point.

Having a different view is not unkindness.

It's universally known that being a single parent is difficult and 2 good parents are better than 1.

And it's perfectly ok to say women are responsible for their own choices as are men.

I'm saying that I advocate being very careful who you choose to sleep with and have children by. I see no way in which that is bad advice. People can be upset if they reflect on their own poor decisions- we've all made bad decisions- some involve children.

I am not the unkind one here. And I'm not name calling either, I am simply describing what I see.

But I can't be arsed to talk to you any more. You clearly came here for an argument with your nasty bitchy comments. I hope you got what you wanted and that it gave you the little boost that you needed.

But surely you agree women generally choose who they sleep with? Thus choosing their father of their children..

single parents as a group produce worse outcomes for children precisely because they on average are less economically secure. One of the greatest gifts you can give to your child is financial security. So existing on a tight income so you can take them to the park or whatever is unlikely to produce any “better” outcome in terms of kids, whether you’re a dual or single parent.

(also a married mother so no personal axe to grind, but my goodness @Jellyx is an embarrassment)

My children are my priority AND I work. It’s not a complicated concept to get your head around.

Ok. We have different views of what name calling and bitchy is. All the best.

I think it's sad we slag off men and undervalue fathers so much.

I mean- who is raising these men

Yes- finances are of course a factor.
But it's a multi-faceted issues.

Plenty of rich families and children who have issues because of no father being around.

That's amazing and no doubt extremely hard work.

Plenty more poor families on tight budgets who have issues with a father around. So your point isn’t really empirically valid.

The data are very clear that the key driver for differentiated outcomes for single parent families is lack of income. If you want to put your somewhat regressive opinions on top of that that’s fine - but that’s not what the research says, so you’re not in the realm of fact.

Because people don’t change as they get older, grow apart or even just fall out of love? It isn’t a ‘poor choice’ to end a relationship in some circumstances. Its over simplifying things to say that single parents are a product of their own poor choices.

It’s not the men we’re raising it’s the ones that have already been raised. If you don’t see there’s a huge problem the. I’m afraid you’re part of it.

@stealthbanana
I have reviews the research and come to a different conclusion.

@Gerrataere
There are more single mothers than ever before so it is our generation.

@Spacecowboys

Of course.

Ideally parents wouldn't split up. But plenty of parents split and share custody and the father is involved still (financially and emotionally). You can be a good father and be seperately from the mother - I wouldn't define this kind of situation as someone being a single parent.

A girl here is self-harming and my mate said, probs coz the mum is working full-time. I was so shocked. I didn’t know what to say but it’s something unsaid I think. And never about the dads.