Page 7 | To remove SIL from the group chat?

whyberude · 2023-08-02T09:35:39+00:00

We have a family group chat, my mum, my brothers, me, my husband and my brothers wife (SIL) I just find her so rude. We all message each morning just to say good morning to which she never replies or messages good morning to us. It takes just a second of your day? Means a lot to my mum, her MIL who lives alone and can be lonely. Why can't you just say it? She very, very rarely engages in conversation. If you @ her directly in the chat she will reply (which leads me to suspect the chat is muted and she only gets notifications when tagged...) Only one in a blue moon do I click on the chat and see two blue ticks, and when I slide across she is the only one who hasn't read them. All the messages in the chat will be grey ticks for weeks at a time until one day they'll randomly be blue where she's finally clicked on us (and there must of been hundreds of missed messages by that point) She will very rarely send a photo or video of her kids, to which I just ignore. If you don't want to bother with us I'm not bothering with you. AIBU to just remove her? Clearly she doesn't want to be in it, so why does she need to be? It is just so rude.

Tinkerbyebye · 02/08/2023 11:10

Seriously you and your husband both say good morning on the chat! Sounds ridiculous to me

you are being nasty and rude yourself about sil. It only needs one family member from each group to say morning and your brother does that. I don’t blame her for muting the chat if that’s what she has done. Is your brother not capable of posting pictures of the kids?

stop being petty and just leave it alone

mindutopia · 02/08/2023 11:10

😂oh god, your poor SIL. I am this person in the family group chat. Yes, I have all group chats muted. I have better things to do with my day than look at photos of MIL's dog or talk about how someone's courgettes are growing. I check it maybe once a week. The rest of the family are the sorts that are glued to their phones constantly. I have much more important things to do than be on WhatsApp all day. If there is some emergency, dh will tell me so I can respond. I have to say though I'd probably remove myself from a group where everyone bloody messaged to say good morning every day. 😂

BuggersMuddle · 02/08/2023 11:10

Your family chat sounds like if the Waltons had WhatsApp 'G;'night John Boy...etc.' 😂

Fine if that's what you like, but it would do my head in.

Original poster

whyberude · 02/08/2023 11:10

I don't care that she doesn't say it every day I care that she doesn't say it ever and that she leaves us unread for weeks and only replies if tagged directly. I don't care if she doesn't join in every morning. I care that she doesn't seem to be interested in being part of the family at all

OP posts:

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/08/2023 11:10

Jesus when me and dh are apart if one of us is away we don't even message each other good morning.

SamW98 · 02/08/2023 11:10

whyberude · 02/08/2023 11:09

I am not a stalker I check because it will literally be weeks without the messages turning blue which is odd, it's not stalkerish to slide across and see she's the only one who hasn't opened them

Yes it really is stalkerish. Its for reasons such as this that all my SM and WhatsApp settings are private so no one knows if I’m online or read their messages

WeetabixTowels · 02/08/2023 11:11

whyberude · 02/08/2023 11:09

I am not a stalker I check because it will literally be weeks without the messages turning blue which is odd, it's not stalkerish to slide across and see she's the only one who hasn't opened them

Bear in mind OP some people have blue ticks turned off.

But it’s likely she’s muted the group. But so what. Daily messages are totally unnecessary and if you want to do it that’s fine but it’s utterly ridiculous to expect her to do it

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/08/2023 11:11

whyberude · 02/08/2023 11:10

I don't care that she doesn't say it every day I care that she doesn't say it ever and that she leaves us unread for weeks and only replies if tagged directly. I don't care if she doesn't join in every morning. I care that she doesn't seem to be interested in being part of the family at all

Does the family only exist on WhatsApp? Presumably if there is a family event she and her dh are invited to she attends if she can?

Birminghambabe · 02/08/2023 11:11

@whyberude OP I think you’re being a bit weird. I wouldn’t expect my sisters husband to message every morning in our group chat just to keep my mum happy. I would also be very very worried if my husbands sister was checking to see if I had read messages or not messaged good morning to my MIL every morning. Sorry, think you are being extremely unreasonable and petty.

Mirabai · 02/08/2023 11:12

Why on earth would everyone say good morning that’s so bizarre.

Her interface is completely normal for anyone in a group chat, your family are the outliers.

baffledcoconut · 02/08/2023 11:12

Look, you don’t like her. She doesn’t want to be constantly in your pockets. Just let her be.

WeetabixTowels · 02/08/2023 11:12

whyberude · 02/08/2023 11:10

I don't care that she doesn't say it every day I care that she doesn't say it ever and that she leaves us unread for weeks and only replies if tagged directly. I don't care if she doesn't join in every morning. I care that she doesn't seem to be interested in being part of the family at all

Well you do care that she isn’t messaging every day clearly. but honestly you all sound intense, you sound like you dislike her and that you show it too. I wouldn’t want to engage with you either.

maddening · 02/08/2023 11:12

It is intrusive to receive 5 notifications that you then need to read every morning. It is intrusive to expect reply every morning. It is demanding, ott and intrusive and over time becomes a meaningless obligation.

Cas112 · 02/08/2023 11:12

whyberude · 02/08/2023 11:10

I don't care that she doesn't say it every day I care that she doesn't say it ever and that she leaves us unread for weeks and only replies if tagged directly. I don't care if she doesn't join in every morning. I care that she doesn't seem to be interested in being part of the family at all

I wouldn't want to be part of your family either tbh😂

Very high maintenance

SmileyClare · 02/08/2023 11:12

This is so petty it’s comical.

Some of the replies here are very funny op, try to lighten up and be less intense.

I mean come on, you’re obsessing over blue ticks on a screen. Get out more x

BCSurvivor · 02/08/2023 11:12

''No I don't like her because she makes no effort with us and is rude. We barely see my brother these days it's like the rest of us aren't good enough for her!''

Don't you think your brother, as a grown man, bares responsibility for this, and not your SIL.

ConcernedMum22 · 02/08/2023 11:12

Far too intense. And I don't generally join a 'pile on' but reading that post made me think she will be glad to be removed 😨

homeforme · 02/08/2023 11:12

whyberude · 02/08/2023 11:10

I don't care that she doesn't say it every day I care that she doesn't say it ever and that she leaves us unread for weeks and only replies if tagged directly. I don't care if she doesn't join in every morning. I care that she doesn't seem to be interested in being part of the family at all

That's not how being part of a family is generally considered though. It's a shitty chat group.

How is she outwith that?

CoraPirbright · 02/08/2023 11:13

I don't care that she doesn't say it every day I care that she doesn't say it ever and that she leaves us unread for weeks and only replies if tagged directly. I don't care if she doesn't join in every morning. I care that she doesn't seem to be interested in being part of the family at all

But she does post the occasional picture……which you then ignore out of spite!! You can’t have it both ways!!

GettingStuffed · 02/08/2023 11:13

I only use messenger for chats with my childre or specific child. I'd worry if everyone started saying good morning every day.

I only WhatsApp my son because his messenger is crap.

I've spen most of my life without this type of tech I suggest you put your phone somewhere that it's an effort to get to and give yourself phone free time.

It also sounds as if you suffer from anxiety so get yourself a treatment plan.

Tinkerbyebye · 02/08/2023 11:13

whyberude · 02/08/2023 11:01

I think there'd be very different responses if I posted this in relationships or chat, I forgot AIBU is just a pile on.

Please get your phone and type good morning, it doesn't even take a full second. How on earth is that intrusive? If you can't spend literally less than 1 second of your day on family that is rude... I don't see how it isn't rude.

No I don't like her because she makes no effort with us and is rude. We barely see my brother these days it's like the rest of us aren't good enough for her!

@whyberude

lets be honest here you consider her rude because she doesn’t do what the rest of you do and has her own life

and yes you are stalking her if you keep checking blue ticks, when she is on line etc and getting yourself wound up

not everyone is driven by WhatsApp and family groups your brother no doubt keeps her informed why should she also look?

Changingnameslotstoday · 02/08/2023 11:13

Nah leave her to it, we have a family what’sapp of elderly parents, kids, spouses and the grandchildren old enough to be in it.
The main charters are my mum and her four kids, spouses rarely chat and that is fine. I’m impressed they’ve stayed in to be honest. They are all fabulous spouses but in our family it’s us kids job to communicate with my mum and she knows that.

Blueskyfordays · 02/08/2023 11:13

whyberude · 02/08/2023 11:10

I don't care that she doesn't say it every day I care that she doesn't say it ever and that she leaves us unread for weeks and only replies if tagged directly. I don't care if she doesn't join in every morning. I care that she doesn't seem to be interested in being part of the family at all

Maybe because she’s not.

I’m not family orientated in the slightest and have nothing in common with my in-laws so although I’m polite and chatty when I see them in person, I really have no desire to be speaking to them in between visits on WhatsApp unless it’s something specific that needs speaking about or it’s one of their birthdays etc.

She married your brother, not you and your mother. You do realise some people just aren’t family orientated don’t you?

dontletsaskforthemoon · 02/08/2023 11:13

@theleafandnotthetree
I am a DIL in this situation and the other 3 in-laws are also included in the chat.

One other DIL is massively chatty and the other 2 aren't.

I'm not 'expected' to respond to any messages; the onus is on the siblings themselves. I might send the odd photo to the chat so MIL can see the latest on the GC, nothing major. It doesn't take a huge amount of my time to send a quick message to say goodnight/good morning.

If the shit hits the fan again, at least I am made aware of the situation straight away so I can help my DH and his siblings and my MIL immediately.

It works for us.

Brefugee · 02/08/2023 11:14

This was only set up because her vulnerability was massively highlighted and showed her kids how quickly things can change health wise for her. She is also pretty much housebound so gets very lonely and therefore enjoys the interaction with her kids/in-laws x 2 a day.

that is a very different proposition from the OPs scenario though.
FWIW we (DH and 2 DCs who have moved out) have a family group and mostly we say good morning to the group every day. We do like each other though, and we all have separate chats with various others, some overlap some don't.

I have an app for making sticky notes on my phone, i have a "good morning" message or two saved on there and C&P one or other of them on my way to work in the morning. But if i didn't? nobody would be checking out for me unless they didn't hear for ages and ages (days rather than seconds)