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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To remove SIL from the group chat?

1000 replies

whyberude · 02/08/2023 10:35

We have a family group chat, my mum, my brothers, me, my husband and my brothers wife (SIL)

I just find her so rude. We all message each morning just to say good morning to which she never replies or messages good morning to us. It takes just a second of your day? Means a lot to my mum, her MIL who lives alone and can be lonely. Why can't you just say it?

She very, very rarely engages in conversation. If you @ her directly in the chat she will reply (which leads me to suspect the chat is muted and she only gets notifications when tagged...)

Only one in a blue moon do I click on the chat and see two blue ticks, and when I slide across she is the only one who hasn't read them. All the messages in the chat will be grey ticks for weeks at a time until one day they'll randomly be blue where she's finally clicked on us (and there must of been hundreds of missed messages by that point)

She will very rarely send a photo or video of her kids, to which I just ignore. If you don't want to bother with us I'm not bothering with you.

AIBU to just remove her? Clearly she doesn't want to be in it, so why does she need to be? It is just so rude.

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 02/08/2023 11:06

theleafandnotthetree · 02/08/2023 11:02

First of all, it's your mum not hers so there's that. So your SIL's obligations are far less than yours, there is no 'us' to be in contact with. And your mum sounds a bit 'poor me' - or maybe that's you putting it on her. My parents sound substantially older, are completely technologically illiterate and live a minimum of 2 hours away from any of us yet have no such expectations around contact. They are getting on with their lives, we with ours.

Show quote history

My sister made a fuss about calling around all our elder aunts and uncles at the beginning of the pandemic, and my aunt said "I'm not desperate for company, the phone won't stop ringing"!

If the mum can use WhatsApp, there's nothing to stop her initiating a proper conversation if she wants.

dontletsaskforthemoon · 02/08/2023 11:06

I am a DIL in a similar group chat thing. She has age related conditions but was reasonably healthy. However, the reason why it was set up was because MIL had fallen ill and because none of her 4 kids/4 in-laws hadn't checked up on her that day, she'd been 'undetected' for over 24 hours.

A neighbour had popped in and found her who sent out the alert to all 4 kids and she ended up in hospital; very poorly. So as a result of that, we all make her message us on the group chat in the morning AND evening EVERY DAY to make sure she is ok.

We've also got a camera set up so we can view her lounge 24/7 plus she has an emergency bracelet to press (she already had this but was too "out of it" to press the emergency button when she fell ill!)

This was only set up because her vulnerability was massively highlighted and showed her kids how quickly things can change health wise for her. She is also pretty much housebound so gets very lonely and therefore enjoys the interaction with her kids/in-laws x 2 a day.

And no, it doesn't take very long to type 'hiya mum' and press send x 2 daily. If only for peace of mind for us all.🙂

madnessitellyou · 02/08/2023 11:06

I'm up at stupid o'clock and in work early. I'm not sitting there with a brew in one hand and phone in the other at that time. I miss most messages during the day. I'm not rude; I'm busy.

This work thing that some people do op, sometimes it prevents them from replying to WhatsApp messages. I know that might seem shocking.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/08/2023 11:06

Our work Teams chat is full of "good mornings" with smug employee brownie points if you are online saying it at 7am. I never ever say good morning on it. Its incredibly annoying.

Annaishere · 02/08/2023 11:06

marblesthecat · 02/08/2023 11:05

This reminds me of the sketch in A League of Gentleman with all the cousins who wear matching jumpers and constantly tell each other they love them.

Lol

WeetabixTowels · 02/08/2023 11:06

whyberude · 02/08/2023 11:01

I think there'd be very different responses if I posted this in relationships or chat, I forgot AIBU is just a pile on.

Please get your phone and type good morning, it doesn't even take a full second. How on earth is that intrusive? If you can't spend literally less than 1 second of your day on family that is rude... I don't see how it isn't rude.

No I don't like her because she makes no effort with us and is rude. We barely see my brother these days it's like the rest of us aren't good enough for her!

But what’s the actual point of saying good morning?!

Some mornings I don’t have seconds to appease neurotic in laws

Oh and if you want pictures of your nieces and nephews get your brother to send themZ

dynastyfan · 02/08/2023 11:07

Leave the woman alone.
This is your family and if you want to text your parent everyday that's your prerogative.
It's insane to expect her to want to do that every day especially with how petty and childish you sound.

Cas112 · 02/08/2023 11:07

Yes! Do your SIL a favour and remove her.

It's probably something she wants to do but hasn't to save your feelings

Secondwindplease · 02/08/2023 11:07

Fuck me. If the price of being in your precious bloody group is saying ‘Good Morning’ every single day I’d be praying for you to remove me.

Also, you really need to stop obsessing over what your SIL has and hadn’t read and get a bloody life. I can guarantee you that she’s not giving you as much headspace as you’re giving her.

TakenRoot · 02/08/2023 11:08

whyberude · 02/08/2023 11:01

I think there'd be very different responses if I posted this in relationships or chat, I forgot AIBU is just a pile on.

Please get your phone and type good morning, it doesn't even take a full second. How on earth is that intrusive? If you can't spend literally less than 1 second of your day on family that is rude... I don't see how it isn't rude.

No I don't like her because she makes no effort with us and is rude. We barely see my brother these days it's like the rest of us aren't good enough for her!

I have no idea what board this was on, I just read it in the ‘active’ list.

OP, your insistence that you are right ends a message. Your insistence that your version of rude is the only and correct version sends a message.

Are you sure your SIL feels like that about you? Or have you just got the hump because she doesn’t engage in endless SM like you do?

Relax and let people do their thing their way.

theleafandnotthetree · 02/08/2023 11:08

dontletsaskforthemoon · 02/08/2023 11:06

I am a DIL in a similar group chat thing. She has age related conditions but was reasonably healthy. However, the reason why it was set up was because MIL had fallen ill and because none of her 4 kids/4 in-laws hadn't checked up on her that day, she'd been 'undetected' for over 24 hours.

A neighbour had popped in and found her who sent out the alert to all 4 kids and she ended up in hospital; very poorly. So as a result of that, we all make her message us on the group chat in the morning AND evening EVERY DAY to make sure she is ok.

We've also got a camera set up so we can view her lounge 24/7 plus she has an emergency bracelet to press (she already had this but was too "out of it" to press the emergency button when she fell ill!)

This was only set up because her vulnerability was massively highlighted and showed her kids how quickly things can change health wise for her. She is also pretty much housebound so gets very lonely and therefore enjoys the interaction with her kids/in-laws x 2 a day.

And no, it doesn't take very long to type 'hiya mum' and press send x 2 daily. If only for peace of mind for us all.🙂

Do you expect your spouses to be part of this too?

WeetabixTowels · 02/08/2023 11:08

dynastyfan · 02/08/2023 11:07

Leave the woman alone.
This is your family and if you want to text your parent everyday that's your prerogative.
It's insane to expect her to want to do that every day especially with how petty and childish you sound.

ALL of this OP.

How can you not see how nuts this all is?!

Clementin50 · 02/08/2023 11:08

I think there'd be very different responses if I posted this in relationships or chat, I forgot AIBU is just a pile on

Nope, re-post there and others will confirm your behaviour is toxic and unhinged. I mean, checking whether she's read specific replies?

Seriously OP, do you have a job, children, etc?

(And when these threads pop up i always wonder if you've any idea what it's like to work in an environment where you can't be checking your phone all day - driving jobs, working in security / data roles where personal phones aren't allowed beyond lockers, or operational roles where it's inappropriate to be glued to a personal phone during work hours!)

honestly, this thread is nuts.

marblesthecat · 02/08/2023 11:08

Waiting for the deletion message "OP has privacy concerns".

LeatherSkirt82 · 02/08/2023 11:08

I am 100% with your SIL - poor, poor woman. What you've described is my definition of hell (and probably every other introvert out there) - 5+ people of extended family messaging each other 'good morning' EVERY SINGLE morning and taking notes who takes how long to respond???? Wow.

Makemineacosmo · 02/08/2023 11:08

Jesus, your poor SIL. For more reasons than being in this group chat ...

Swanswimming · 02/08/2023 11:08

YABU.

Birminghambabe · 02/08/2023 11:09

Wait I’ve just realised this is your mum - not even her mum!!!. Yeah I think you’re really weird for expecting your brothers wife to message good morning every morning. Sorry.

WeetabixTowels · 02/08/2023 11:09

I do love these kinds of threads though.

OP- AIBU?
Most people: Yes
OP- Waaaaah I hate AIBU

Original poster
whyberude · 02/08/2023 11:09

I am not a stalker I check because it will literally be weeks without the messages turning blue which is odd, it's not stalkerish to slide across and see she's the only one who hasn't opened them

OP posts:
Blueskyfordays · 02/08/2023 11:09

whyberude · 02/08/2023 11:01

I think there'd be very different responses if I posted this in relationships or chat, I forgot AIBU is just a pile on.

Please get your phone and type good morning, it doesn't even take a full second. How on earth is that intrusive? If you can't spend literally less than 1 second of your day on family that is rude... I don't see how it isn't rude.

No I don't like her because she makes no effort with us and is rude. We barely see my brother these days it's like the rest of us aren't good enough for her!

Why are you so desperate to be in constant contact with her if you don’t like her? Don’t think she won’t have picked up on the fact you don’t like her either, she’ll know and if anything, it’s probably the reason why she pulls away and is aloof and distant. It’s exactly the reason why I am with my IL’s and their WhatsApp group chat!

JenWillsiam · 02/08/2023 11:09

whyberude · 02/08/2023 11:01

I think there'd be very different responses if I posted this in relationships or chat, I forgot AIBU is just a pile on.

Please get your phone and type good morning, it doesn't even take a full second. How on earth is that intrusive? If you can't spend literally less than 1 second of your day on family that is rude... I don't see how it isn't rude.

No I don't like her because she makes no effort with us and is rude. We barely see my brother these days it's like the rest of us aren't good enough for her!

My guess you’re muted.

WeetabixTowels · 02/08/2023 11:09

It’s like a WhatsApp version of the fucking Waltons. Sounds awful.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 02/08/2023 11:10

whyberude · 02/08/2023 11:09

I am not a stalker I check because it will literally be weeks without the messages turning blue which is odd, it's not stalkerish to slide across and see she's the only one who hasn't opened them

But why does she need to open them?

Increasingrents · 02/08/2023 11:10

You should definitely post this in relationships, just to see how intense and weird you’re being.

I’m in a few family and friend group chats, I do mute them if they’re very active otherwise I can’t concentrate on my day and feel distracted, not because I’m being rude.

None of them require a daily good morning.

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