To remove SIL from the group chat?

[whyberude]

We have a family group chat, my mum, my brothers, me, my husband and my brothers wife (SIL)

I just find her so rude. We all message each morning just to say good morning to which she never replies or messages good morning to us. It takes just a second of your day? Means a lot to my mum, her MIL who lives alone and can be lonely. Why can't you just say it?

She very, very rarely engages in conversation. If you @ her directly in the chat she will reply (which leads me to suspect the chat is muted and she only gets notifications when tagged...)

Only one in a blue moon do I click on the chat and see two blue ticks, and when I slide across she is the only one who hasn't read them. All the messages in the chat will be grey ticks for weeks at a time until one day they'll randomly be blue where she's finally clicked on us (and there must of been hundreds of missed messages by that point)

She will very rarely send a photo or video of her kids, to which I just ignore. If you don't want to bother with us I'm not bothering with you.

AIBU to just remove her? Clearly she doesn't want to be in it, so why does she need to be? It is just so rude.

Did she ever ask to be added to the group?

Removing her would be quite a statement. She probably just doesn't feel as connected as the rest of you and perhaps thinks it's more for the blood relatives. Let it go.

Our family use the group chat for when they have something to communicate, even if it's only a holiday photograph or something funny that they've seen, plus admin stuff about when to turn up for lunch or whatever. I suspect that is what your SIL is used to with her own family, so she interacts in the same way.

Jesus do ye all go to the bathroom together as well?

SIL sounds like the only normal one of the lot.

Good morning to everyone on this thread.

Please reply immediately.

This is absolutely batshit 😂

I would mute the chat too! Grown adults texting their whole family good morning like some sort of class register every single day? Wow.

You sound pathetic. No wonder she doesn't engage

Surely if your DB is in regular contact with his mum, either through phone calls or visits, possibly supplemented with the odd photo, text, message, then his wife (your SIL) doesn’t need to be in daily contact too. Presumably she takes the lead on contact with her own parents and others. Do you message you in-laws every day?

What a nightmare. I am assuming your brother says good morning to his mum so why does his wife need to do the same? I do not contact my inlaws and I certainly don't send messages. Your SIL probably wouldn't care if you remove her and does your mother really care if her DIL doesn't say good morning. Sounds like it is your issue

OP "Or you'll be sleeping with the fishes"

It's not about how long it takes to type the words good morning. It's the mindspace that it takes up. I have a friend that messages me daily. It's the headspace that it takes up, the fact that i am made to feel that I must engage in the friendship every single day. Having to stop what I'm doing to reply to some inane "how's things". I'd like to just have peace from it for a few days at a time.

This is a very odd family dynamic.

"We all message each morning just to say good morning to which she never replies or messages good morning to us. "

"[messaging] Means a lot to my mum, her MIL who lives alone and can be lonely. "

"I don't care that she doesn't say it every day, I care that she doesn't say it ever"

"She will very rarely send a photo or video of her kids, to which I just ignore. If you don't want to bother with us I'm not bothering with you."

This raises questions for me:

1. Has MIL mentioned feeling 'left out'? Or for that matter, wanting everyone to say "good morning" like the Waltons every day?
2. Does SIL have a busy job?
3. Do SIL & bro live far away?
4. Does anyone visit mother/MIL or is it just messaging?
5. The fact that you go on to say "she doesn't seem to be interested in being part of the family at all" is presumably at the heart of things. Are the family otherwise very close?

I like my IL's very much. But I don't message them daily. Recently, DH was away for work for 5 days. We spoke on the phone once during that time, and messaged about 3 times. I didn't check to see if he'd seen/read any messages I'd sent.

I can't believe you would ignore photos and videos of your nieces/nephews because she doesn't say good morning - awful behaviour.

If you're concerned about your Mum being lonely...go see her more?

And I can categorically tell you that as a parent you are on SO many bloody group chats they are all muted.

Perhaps your brother has distance himself because you're too demanding but he doesn't want to upset your Mum so he goes along with the daily texts.

Along with all the child related group chats maybe she has her own family chat where they don't put ridiculous pressure on her.

I'm sorry but YABU. Sil probably hasn't left the chat herself for fear of causing WW3.

IF there are other issues then you should have lead with that because the whatsapp thing and simply being busy with her own life are ridiculous reasons to dislike her.

Do you have a husband or kids?

If she's anything like DH she'll be glad to be removed.

DH never posts in his family chat because he doesn't care what the others have had for breakfast etc.

Fucking hell. I'd be delighted to be removed from DHs family WhatsApp. I don't give a shit about my MILs gardening or what FIL is having for dinner. I rarely message on it and have it muted for my iwn sanity. You are being ridiculous.

I'm astonished she hasn't left the group already

Guarantee you’ll get the same response anywhere - you are being way to full on and some people (myself included) simple do not like texting/messaging. Every day would seem like a massive chore - let her be, you removing her from the group is excluding her and, genuinely, why does it matter that much?

You sound very high maintenance.

huh? I put most "group chats" on mute and check intermittently. It would drive me crazy otherwise. I don't think you SIL has done anything wrong... Give her a break and maybe respond when she does post videos of the kids!

I'm afraid that, like most previous posters, I am with your SIL on this.

Good grief, @whyberude, your SIL interacts differently with the family than you do, and you want to delete her for it??!

Do you not realise that your family’s way to use WhatsApp is not the only correct one? Or that responding/posting only occasionally does not make your SIL the axis of evil?

Your SIL has a different way of using social media to you - but different does NOT mean wrong. I suggest you let her be herself, and stop setting rules for her that she doesn’t know about and has no say in, and then condemning her for falling short.

Maybe she is an introvert, and finds the pressure of your family’s expectation of lots of interaction too much. I am an introvert, and I would find the pressure of your expectations absolutely overwhelming.

Just let the woman be.

And yet when she does post you completely ignore her. Please post this in relationships threads so I can go there to say the exact same thing.

You're being overly intense and expecting way too much. You need to back off- if that's how you choose to use the group chat with your family then do that and let other people use it how they see fit. You're coming across as extremely intense and unreasonable about this and tbh if I were her I'd struggle with your attitude.

Yes I think you should remove her, more than likely she'll be relieved, seriously good morning texts every single morning? My husbands family have a group chat, we only post every couple of days, sometimes a week will go by and nobody has posted anything and ive still muted the group as sometimes i just cant be bothered commenting on a pic of one of my husbands sisters kids cute and all as they are, you sound way too invested in a whatsapp group

I’m very much an extrovert and I still wouldn’t be doing it!!!

She possibly felt obliged to join the chat and there's no escape now! The daily goodmornings would drive me mad and the chat would definitely be muted and I wouldn't bother checking every message. If I were you, I'd possibly ask her very politely if she wanted to leave the chat "as it looks like you're too busy and it might be disturbing".