To remove SIL from the group chat?

[whyberude]

We have a family group chat, my mum, my brothers, me, my husband and my brothers wife (SIL)

I just find her so rude. We all message each morning just to say good morning to which she never replies or messages good morning to us. It takes just a second of your day? Means a lot to my mum, her MIL who lives alone and can be lonely. Why can't you just say it?

She very, very rarely engages in conversation. If you @ her directly in the chat she will reply (which leads me to suspect the chat is muted and she only gets notifications when tagged...)

Only one in a blue moon do I click on the chat and see two blue ticks, and when I slide across she is the only one who hasn't read them. All the messages in the chat will be grey ticks for weeks at a time until one day they'll randomly be blue where she's finally clicked on us (and there must of been hundreds of missed messages by that point)

She will very rarely send a photo or video of her kids, to which I just ignore. If you don't want to bother with us I'm not bothering with you.

AIBU to just remove her? Clearly she doesn't want to be in it, so why does she need to be? It is just so rude.

Jesus, your poor SIL. Firstly having to put up with such an intense, odd WhatsApp group. You message each other just to say good morning? I wouldn’t do that with my own family never mind my husbands. Great if you all enjoy living in each others pockets so much but don’t expect to inflict it on s9meone else.

secondly having a sil like you who seems determined to dislike her.

We have a family WhatsApp: of 11 people who are on it, 4 only read it if they are tagged ( because tbh they are not interested in what someone had for dinner or a funny video of a strangers cat). The people who are not working and who live alone are the ones posting more, and the other big poster is someone who enjoys sharing his rants. Personally I find by the time I've been to work, got home, tidied up and cooked the dinner, and then actually had a telephone conversation with the ones who need checking up on, it's 9pm and I want to chill. And I don't have young children!
If your MiL needs people to send her daily messages, surely it should be her own children doing that? And do you know whether there are conversations outwith the general family chat? Are her children talking to her on the phone separately, or maybe they have a private WhatsApp chat?
I don't think it's SiL who is causing the problem here.

Take her aside next time you're at a family gathering. Ask her if everything is ok because you've notice she doesn't say good morning every day.

If life is getting too overwhelming for her to be able to message properly in the family chat, maybe suggest she posts 7 "good mornings" at the start of every week so that all other group members feel acknowledged.

She'd appreciate your thoughtfulness, for sure.

And you’re the rude one not responding to the photos when she does post them! I’m not surprised she doesn’t bother with the group anymore.

Are your names Teresa, Joe and Melissa?? 😅

Seriously, don't delete your SIL, you will cause an unnecessary argument with your Brother. Her not responding has zero affect on your life.

Also, when you ignore photos/videos of your nieces/nephews, your Brother sees that.

Your Brother is a grown man and is solely responsible for when he sees his family, not your SIL. Maybe it's not as often due to the above pettiness.

What a waste of time. If I were your SIL I'd have to create an auto chatbot to send good morning and good night messages every day.

Atleast she’s responding when she’s deliberately being tagged. So definitely not ignoring anyone. Just replying where necessary. 70% of wats app messages are just inane bs.

I think you need to realise that your SIL is the normal one here. Maybe you just didn’t realise that other families don’t do this?

I feel for your SIL. You sound very unkind towards her.

This thread makes me thankful that Dh has his own family group chat that I am not on!

@whyberude

you ought to get a life

maybe that’s why your SIL doesn’t message all the time cos she’s got stuff she has to do

Me too! And he’s similarly glad he’s not on my family chat.

You are being so unreasonable I can't even...

You need to understand that this set up is unusual. You seem to think that she's unusual not wanting to do it, but no. Your expectations are off.

Who wants to message good morning every single day? I don't even do that with my husband when he's away.

As regards pictures of their kids, why can't your brother do that? Why is it her responsibility?

You'd hate it if I were your SIL... I mute chats, ignore calls, switch my phone off, and sometimes I even go on holiday without it! 😱

That’s an idea. She could get an auto chatbot to post 365 good mornings on January 1st and call it good for the year.

For all you know she occasionally glances at the WhatsApp chat and thinks it’s sweet that you all wish each other Good Morning.
She makes an effort to put the odd photo or video on there.

Youve drawn all sorts of vile conclusions because she isn’t adhering to your unspoken rules.

My late mil used to accuse me of the things you’re throwing around: “thinking she’s better than everyone else” and “taking her son away from her” it’s nasty toxic behaviour.

Jesus effing Christ! I was the SIL in a scenario like this and I had the chat muted as I wasn’t interested in the ramblings of my husbands extended family and the constant references to events I’d not been around for pre DH. I eventually removed myself.

All messaging to say ‘good morning’? That’d drive me mental.

I am with your sil. But unless you’re wanting to antagonise her, just leave her be. Maybe she only sees value in responding to messages that need responding to.

😁😁😁😁

She will very rarely send a photo or video of her kids, to which I just ignore. If you don't want to bother with us I'm not bothering with you.

By your own admission, when your SIL does engage on the group chat you ignore her. This is the funniest thing I've read in ages (or would be if I didn't feel so sorry for your poor SIL).

People are different, OP. Your SIL is allowed to not engage in her in-laws' WhatsApp group as much as they do. It's not a rule. It's not rude not to wish people good morning via WhatsApp every day (it's quite intense to do so, in my opinion, but to each their own as I have said). Your mother has her own children to wish her good morning, she's not going to feel less lonely if her DIL does it too. You are way, way overthinking this and overinvested in it.

If your brother wanted to see you more he would. Don't blame his wife. She's not his keeper.

YABU

Jesus fucking Christ, poor sister in law!

Does she want to be in the group chat? Did she ask to be added?

I agree that typing the message takes seconds but your phone pinging with four or five pointless messages saying "good morning" every single day would be annoying.

I think you have too much free time and have ended up fixating on your SIL. She clearly finds the family chat a bit OTT. I would never wish my DH good morning every day if we were apart, let alone my entire family. What do you get out of it? It's not a genuine interaction with your family as you're just saying the same two words at each other every morning without any thought or consideration.

Your SIL can probably tell that you don't like her and that she doesn't meet your participation expectations. It might be why she doesn't visit often. Your DB chooses not to see you too by the sounds of it. I think that is telling.

It’s threads like these that makes me think my Sils are alright :)

Its like being forced to wear a poppy. Forced to say good morning because it take a couple of seconds. Its fake and no one give a shit.

When you say she is rude, are you basing this on her lack of participation in the whatsapp group alone? You haven't given any examples on this thread of rude behaviour. If this is her only "crime", please, let it go and show her a bit more kindness.
I HATE whatsapp groups with a passion, but am on several because it's necessary. I absolutely mute the ones that are busy with back and forth messages that don't concern me. Why should anyone be plagued with their phone constantly buzzing and having to look at it every 30 seconds? No-one owes you their constant attention.