To remove SIL from the group chat?

[whyberude]

We have a family group chat, my mum, my brothers, me, my husband and my brothers wife (SIL)

I just find her so rude. We all message each morning just to say good morning to which she never replies or messages good morning to us. It takes just a second of your day? Means a lot to my mum, her MIL who lives alone and can be lonely. Why can't you just say it?

She very, very rarely engages in conversation. If you @ her directly in the chat she will reply (which leads me to suspect the chat is muted and she only gets notifications when tagged...)

Only one in a blue moon do I click on the chat and see two blue ticks, and when I slide across she is the only one who hasn't read them. All the messages in the chat will be grey ticks for weeks at a time until one day they'll randomly be blue where she's finally clicked on us (and there must of been hundreds of missed messages by that point)

She will very rarely send a photo or video of her kids, to which I just ignore. If you don't want to bother with us I'm not bothering with you.

AIBU to just remove her? Clearly she doesn't want to be in it, so why does she need to be? It is just so rude.

There really wouldn’t. Overwhelmingly people are saying this is too much. Many people have a family what’sapp but expecting people to post good morning daily or they’re removed is ridiculous. Why do you want to cause a big family rift? That will be more hurtful to your in laws than her not saying good morning. Seriously stop checking who has read it, who hasn’t, that is stalkerish, get a new hobby or something

Is this a reverse?

OP you make your family sound like some kind of cult! SIL married your brother. She doesn’t have to ingratiate herself to his family, like his family, or say good morning every fucking day.

Utterly batshit.

I’d say it’s very likely you ‘barely see your brother these days’ as he has had enough of controlling/domineering family members, such as yourself. He is probably also aware of your attitude to his wife.

But yes, blame your SIL for it!!

You really are far too enmeshed in each other’s lives. Maybe take a big step back and, ohh I don’t know, live your own life?! Don’t focus on your SIL so much?

I’d say she avoids you because you sound rude yourself. And bonkers too, I’m afraid!!

Poor SIL, she is me. I have muted the group chat because it is inane. Writing out a good Morning every day? That’s ridiculous. I never put pictures or updates on because in the words I’m my 9 year old ‘it’s cringe’. Does showing off have to infect WhatsApp as well as Facebook and Instagram now?

Do the girl a favour and release her from your chat!

I can’t imagine getting this uptight about something so trivial.I would have that chat muted too!

So you want her to be more active on the group. Yet you ignore her every post on the group. And now you want to remove her. For not being active. Other than when she does post, which you ignore.

You sound imbalanced.

I was going to say cult too.

All my friends and family have their own times to respond to messages.

You sound very full on. She's probably muted the chat and for a good reason.
As long as she responds to messages aimed directly at her, I see no problem.
Not everyone has the time or mental space to wish everyone a good morning on WhatsApp every single day of their lives.

There was a thread when WhatsApp added the ability to hide the online and last seen status and some posters didn't seem to understand why people had genuine reasons for using that feature and quite a few seemed to think people were just being precious or thinking they're sooo important by using it. The op is the exact type of person that makes people use that feature. It's not usually the person hiding their online activity that thinks they're important, it's the ones like OP who gets mad and checks others profiles and activity who think they're the important ones and get mad when they aren't prioritised.

There's a couple of in-laws who not only do what you do and check your sils online activity but they also look at other family members and if they see two people online at the same time they'll accuse me of "playing favourites"

My own family (mam, stepdad, siblings and their spouses) is the most casual, my dh and sil don't chat as much as the rest of us and just dip in and out at random and that's totally fine. My brother posts with updates about their family and my brother visits plenty of sil is busy. Maybe the reason your brother isn't doing so isn't because of his wife but because of the criticism and judgment coming from you.

Remove her from the chat by all means, you'll make yourself look jealous and petty though, unless the rest of your family are moaning about it behind her back and agree? In which case you'd probably be doing her favour, there's enough judgement from people in the world without having your own family bitch about you too.

FWIW I don’t think the “good morning” thing is that crazy - in a way it’s quite nice that the onus isn’t on one person to do all the checking-in one someone who’s alone. BUT I don’t see why in-laws need to engage in this too!

OP you say she thinks she’s better than you all. Try to remember that in-law relationships are always harder for the outsiders coming in to the family. Is it possible that any of you have made her feel like she’s not good enough and that’s why she’s distant from you…?

I was on my husband's and in laws family group chat. There were dozens of messages each day, full of family in-jokes I didn't understand, but it was good to be able to check over photos and what plans were in the works. I never replied it was too busy for me, about stuff I didn't know. Eventually I got removed by one of them.

The reason she only responds when tagged is because she’s muted it. It can be very intrusive what’s app especially if you’re in a few groups so I mute mine too

Wow ! I feel for your SIL

YABVVVVU
that's all

Couldn't be arsed with that every morning if I'm honest.
I'm on SIL side and would also mute the chat.

You seem very obsessed though checking when she's been online etc.

YABU. Her not reading the messages is not a personal attack on you or your mother. Stop being so sensitive.

I'm in my husbands family WhatsApp group. It's literally non stop! I often ignore or mute it. Most of the conversations have nothing to do with me and don't require a reply.

I didn't ask to be added and don't want to leave as it will seem really rude. But part of me would be relieved if someone else removed me!

@whyberude just interested to know how much your husband contributes to the chat, and how many bodies and pictures he shares of your children

If I was the SIL, I’d be absolutely delighted if you removed me from the chat.

It sounds quite smothering, and having so many conditions placed on her conduct by you, even more so.

Set her free.

I clicked on this thread thinking it might be about me!

My SIL has a family WhatsApp group that’s really annoying and I have muted it. There are just too many pointless messages and nobody seems to have grasped the concept of individual private messaging for things that should be private.

As a SIL, this would be too much! Leave her alone!

We have a family whatsap, I would never dream of moaning if someone didn't respond to general chit chat, or a good morning unless it was directly at them. You say your sil responds if you @ her in a message. What more do you want? And no, it doesn't take long to type a good morning, but every person, every day?, I can understand if she has muted it.

Clearly after reading all the responses, the OP must realise she’s bat shit crazy! if she decides to delete sil…. Sil might be quietly relieved…….

Sorry, but YABU and you can't force her to take part if she doesn't want to. I wouldn't want to have to say good morning every single day.

You haven't got voting , but I suspect if there was it would be almost 100% YABU looking at the replies on here.

You need to take something from that, and just let sleeping dogs lie.

It's not a personal insult to you if she doesn't read/reply. No doubt your DB tells her anything she needs to know anyway.

I sometimes think the world is divided into two groups- those who think WhatsApp is a great way to keep in touch and those who find it irritating and intrusive.

Personally I’m in the latter group.

I had to leave my family group as I began having psychotic fantasies about inviting the whole family to a cliff top picnic and releasing a herd of angry bulls to chase them over the top.

I even had to leave my cancer support group because I was fantasising about choking one member with his pink feather boa.

Anyway I feel kinda bad for this OP because it’s really hard to go through life thinking that when people don’t do as you do it’s a big deal.

It’s nowhere near a big deal and unfortunately life can show us what a big deal really is.

Try and enjoy your life and stop worrying about your SIL’s preferences,

To be fair to the poor woman, she probably definitely didn’t anticipate that getting married meant forced induction into a WhatsApp human centipede.