To remove SIL from the group chat?

[whyberude]

We have a family group chat, my mum, my brothers, me, my husband and my brothers wife (SIL)

I just find her so rude. We all message each morning just to say good morning to which she never replies or messages good morning to us. It takes just a second of your day? Means a lot to my mum, her MIL who lives alone and can be lonely. Why can't you just say it?

She very, very rarely engages in conversation. If you @ her directly in the chat she will reply (which leads me to suspect the chat is muted and she only gets notifications when tagged...)

Only one in a blue moon do I click on the chat and see two blue ticks, and when I slide across she is the only one who hasn't read them. All the messages in the chat will be grey ticks for weeks at a time until one day they'll randomly be blue where she's finally clicked on us (and there must of been hundreds of missed messages by that point)

She will very rarely send a photo or video of her kids, to which I just ignore. If you don't want to bother with us I'm not bothering with you.

AIBU to just remove her? Clearly she doesn't want to be in it, so why does she need to be? It is just so rude.

And you are Op's compliant husband? 😉

🤐

So for you "being interested in family" and "not rude" required a daily message. That's your rule and perspective you do know that right ? Other people might like and care about family and indeed in no way think they are beneath them but think other things other than daily WhatsApp can also indicate care.
Your self imposed rule is just that yours she lives her life a different way and yet you are loading her with all sorts of negative assumptions because she hasn't conformed to your rule... It's a tad controlling and dare I say it rude...

Why dont you leave the group.

Your SIL may start responding then.

Hehe

Hello every morning. Now I'm wondering if I give my DM enough attention!

Wow you sounds absolutely mental hahahaha

I know AIBU can attract some strong views but in this case, I think you're expectations are unrealistic, OP.

Many people here see your virtual check-ins as something that would be too intense. Your SIL sounds like she may feel the same. Perhaps just asking her instead of labelling her as a someone who doesn't care.

I've read your updates and you're clearly not taking on board that there are many, many people (including many posters on this thread) who would find the requirement to text the GC every day just to say hello both excessive and (tbh) boring.

I find the idea of you policing everybody's commitment to the GC quite astonishing. What's the obsession with blue ticks? I have a family GC too, and we post what we feel like, when we feel like. And people respond as they feel like it, and however they feel like it. And we have the security of knowing that even though it's not the liveliest GC, everybody is comfortable with their contribution and each contribution is made with genuine goodwill.

I get that you wanting your mother to feel loved is coming from a place of love and kindness. But you can only control what you do to support her; not what everybody else does. And trying to control it is only going to make you bitter and other people resentful.

In my opinion you are really unreasonable! I think she should stay in the group because why cause a rift just because she doesn't conform to your timeliness in when yiu think she should respond? Then when she does post - respond to her! You honestly have not done yourself any favours here and sound a bit spiteful

This is insane. Good morning messages EVERY DAY. I think your family are the odd ones here by a country mile, your expectations are far too high. Remove her if you want but you will look bitter and petty - as you don't engage with pics or videos of your nieces/nephews they probably know this already tho

I'm afraid that to me the 'good morning' every morning becomes meaningless. I couldn't bring myself to do that.

The fact you then ignore her real interaction - videos of the kids etc - makes you seem petty and horrible.

If your family is all this bonkers/controlling/toxic I can see why she distances herself. Perhaps meeting his wife and her normal family has made the scales fall from your brothers eyes, and that's why he's distant too.

This is insane - I would hate this.

I'm fairly active on WhatsApp, and in a few groups, but I hate replying for replying sake.

Sometimes, in my in-laws family group chat, someone mind sending something which doesn't warrant a reply/is the perfect conversation ender, and my partner will respond to it anyway with a heart eyes emoji or something.

Firstly; I don't want to pick up a phone to see an emoji - I'm not 12. Secondly, It gives me the right bloody ick.

Does she join in with stuff in real life, family events etc?

Have you any hobbies?

Crikey, Claire is that you? 🤣 Controlling much. You can't force another person to do your bidding. Did it occur to you she has likely muted the chat due to the sheer volume of blab blab blab on it? Not everyone likes to chat on WhatsApp and some people are more private than others. Some people are introverts or depressed and find endless streams of text exhausting and draining or prefer to dip in and out when relevant to them. Some people don't like small talk. And some are too busy with 100s of other WhatsApp groups, school leaders, school year groups, different friends groups, hobby groups, family groups. It would be a full time job to keep up with all those competing for attention and keep kids fed, happy and clothed, at least to your satisfaction.. that's fine a everyone is different and we should be understanding. Also why does she owe you photos of her children? Is she just the baby making machine to you by any chance? Or do you actually care about her at all? I suspect the real reason she probably isn't on there is because she doesn't feel welcome on your family chat. Maybe you should look deeper and wonder why that might be. Instead of petty bullying your SIL maybe look at youself first and why you feel a need to control other people and what's missing from your life. Maybe I'm projecting here but I will also be willing to bet something has gone on between your mum if she stopped responding ... Does your brother respond and send the photos of his kids you crave or do you hold him to a different standard? She will probably be very relieved to be removed in all honesty so I would go ahead...😉

I would mute too. This is too much for me.

She's probably muted the chat because it is overwhelming.

Jesus fucking christ. You sound deranged.

She'll probably be pleased when you delete her because she knows if she quietly removed herself she'd be in for even more of your batshittery

Maybe the OP has hidden the thread?

In my family WhatsApp group we often ignore conversations if we're busy. My mum and one of my brothers chat more as they have more time on their hands but my other brother and I will dip in and out. We post the odd funny thing or update but it can be loads of conversation or weeks between messages.

Yours sounds like my worst nightmare. The last thing I would want in the morning is to have to check in with people outside my household. I have enough to do without that pressure. It's a bit disingenuous to say it just takes a second as you have to be aware that your phone will go off and read all the other messages too.

Yes remove her. She'll be relieved, I imagine !

it seems clear that nobody agrees with your stance on this OP. Is it possible that you set up the family watsapp because of your own needs and/or loneliness and if this is the case then SIL is probably being polite by staying in the group as she doesn't want to hurt your feelings.

I sincerely hope op hasn't left all these posts unread.

You are being wildly unreasonable and quite honestly quite strange.