To remove SIL from the group chat?

[whyberude]

We have a family group chat, my mum, my brothers, me, my husband and my brothers wife (SIL)

I just find her so rude. We all message each morning just to say good morning to which she never replies or messages good morning to us. It takes just a second of your day? Means a lot to my mum, her MIL who lives alone and can be lonely. Why can't you just say it?

She very, very rarely engages in conversation. If you @ her directly in the chat she will reply (which leads me to suspect the chat is muted and she only gets notifications when tagged...)

Only one in a blue moon do I click on the chat and see two blue ticks, and when I slide across she is the only one who hasn't read them. All the messages in the chat will be grey ticks for weeks at a time until one day they'll randomly be blue where she's finally clicked on us (and there must of been hundreds of missed messages by that point)

She will very rarely send a photo or video of her kids, to which I just ignore. If you don't want to bother with us I'm not bothering with you.

AIBU to just remove her? Clearly she doesn't want to be in it, so why does she need to be? It is just so rude.

OP, you would have got the same response in Chat or Relationships because you're an absolute loon to expect this not to be the reaction.

I don't understand how saying good morning is intrusive, it takes literally seconds and is something we've done for years.

And there is the key. Your family has traditionally done this, and thinks it’s normal. You are pretty unique. Just because she married in, she is not obliged to take on this batshit behaviour you all think is normal. I wouldn’t do this for my own kids (they are adults), I certainly wouldn’t do it as SIL and you wouldn’t find many people who would. It’s only normal for you. Irrespective of what you think, that expectation is intrusive. She’s probably also not indulging you as it’s completely batshit, slippery slope and all that.

Hahahaha!! Totally batshit.

Delete her, she'll probably be relieved, i know i would.

Same - I tend to just do a search for keywords if i'm looking for something in particular. I was in one for a gym group who introduced a weightloss thing - I swear to god everyday I'd wake up to 300 selfies of people making porridge or people out exercising at 6am or people showing themselves drinking bottles of water - unbelievable narcissism.

The "good morning" isn't onerous to type, it's onerous to read from 15 people with your phone pinging every 10 seconds!

I guess you're also the kind of person who doesn't get annoyed on class whatsapps when everyone responds with, "oh, no, sorry, we don't have Danny's jumper" vs the rest of us who like to assume silence means we don't have it!

I'm in a group chat with my husbands side of the family. They all like to have constant contact, saying hello every morning etc. Sorry but I can't be arsed, I'm busy in the mornings, two kids to get ready and out the door, my own work to go to etc. I've also turned off the notifications of the chat and only read through when I feel like it. OP, get a grip.

You seem far too invested in this and borderline obsessive. Does it impact anyone else? I think the fact you are monitoring her is far too much. Take a step back and a breath.

I would find that type of messaging too full on and mute the group. It looks like she has and when tagged replies so isn’t rude. She clearly occasionally looks through the chat hence why its blue ticked in chunks.

i expect you already have a dislike to her hut honestly leave it alone in the chat. Get over she’s not saying happy morning and stop being controlling trying to make her conform or punish her by excluding her, sound unhinged you’re so invested.

Team SIL.

Poor SiL. You sound like an absolute loon and actually quite nasty. Are you in a WhatsApp where you greet your husband’s entire extended family every morning?! It’s nice that this works well for you and your immediate family but it’s highly unusual and taking such mortal offence because your SiL isn’t engaging with it as much as you would like is really strange.

Can you not see your SiL’s perspective at all, going by how many people on this thread would absolutely hate this? It may take a few seconds but it’s just not necessary and is enough to be super irritating if it becomes a commitment every morning. Frankly it’s just a bit OTT and it’s absolutely understandable that your poor SiL has backed off from this crazy intense group chat. If you’re even a fraction as full on and aggressive in real life as you are on this thread about a bloomin WhatsApp chat….well I can really see why she is keeping her distance!!

Yabu

I would say so if you posted in relationships or chat, too.

She's not being rude, she just doesn't join in with a good morning every day. If you remove her you look petty, spiteful and will be stirring up family trouble.

Don't make a thing of it, it isn't a thing.

You are FUCKING WEIRD and stalkerish, I'm feeling suffocated reading your OP. Infact I don't think this is real.

Jesus. Your poor SIL. You sound bonkers.

Has the OP stropped off?

Yeah, it's because you posted in AIBU, that's the problem with the responses you're getting 😂

OP - AIBU?
MN - Yes!
OP - No I'm not 😤

I would pull out the ol MN "you sound like hard work", but from what you've posted there's no 'sound' about it! Stop judging people by how much they post up on chats and social media. SIL is probably out there living her life, not beholden to constant messaging, perhaps think about doing the same.

You're the rude one expecting her to act the way you think she should.

Surely that’s an issue for your brother to deal with (if he even sees it as an issue)? It really isn’t any of your business.

My BIL doesn’t even belong to our family WhatsApp group. My sister can always tell him anything he needs to know. I know she has a separate one with my parents (they live locally to each other, so use it to organise meeting up, babysitting etc. without spamming me) - maybe he belongs to that? I’ve never asked, because it doesn’t make any odds to me.

Your poor SIL probably accepted the invitation to the group to be polite to her husband’s family. Then, when she realised it was an endless stream of daily good morning wishes, she muted the chat and dips in and out in case there’s anything significant. She probably (rightly) thought this was more polite than exiting the group.

But that isn’t good enough for you. You want to make a point; to create a drama. You could just leave well alone and accept that the rest of your family is happy to have daily check-ins. But no - you have to play drama queen. It’s pathetic.

Honestly, I've never been in any group chat where it was compulsory to use it like this! It would drive me mad if other people did too.

For me personally every morning is a massive rush. I simply don't have time for sending msgs because I have more important things to do. I usually arrive at work at 8.15 and on some mornings I'm in a mtg by 8.30. I very rarely reply to msgs until the evening at the earliest. I've muted most of my WhatsApp groups as well. Leave your poor SIL alone to get on with her day. If she wants to msg you all she will!

An added point - it is possible to change the settings so that it doesn't show whether a WhatsApp msg has been read or not.

Do her a favour and delete her from it - there’s probably a reason she doesn’t want to be involved with you all

I don’t think this has gone the way the OP wanted. Although she has lots if messages to read so maybe it has? Totally batshit wanting to kick her out but tbh you might do her a favour!

fuck that

group chats suck

She might feel as if she's intruding a little as your all related but she's just the in law. That would drive me crazy having to say good morning to everyone every day. I don't always reply to messages straight away.

I have to say I'd be your SIL in this scenario. I hate group chats and would find it pointless messaging good morning every morning, unless it comes with photos or something so you can see the other people. Is she an introvert? If so I can see why she'd find the chat exhausting. I wouldn't judge her level of interest un the family just because she doesn't engage with group chats, but rather on how she behaves in person.

YABVVU. Why is it your SIL's responsibility to post photos of her kids on her DH's family group chat? Surely it's your DB's responsibility, why get mad at SIL? I really feel sorry for your SIL, are you horrible to her in other ways?