To remove SIL from the group chat?

[whyberude]

We have a family group chat, my mum, my brothers, me, my husband and my brothers wife (SIL)

I just find her so rude. We all message each morning just to say good morning to which she never replies or messages good morning to us. It takes just a second of your day? Means a lot to my mum, her MIL who lives alone and can be lonely. Why can't you just say it?

She very, very rarely engages in conversation. If you @ her directly in the chat she will reply (which leads me to suspect the chat is muted and she only gets notifications when tagged...)

Only one in a blue moon do I click on the chat and see two blue ticks, and when I slide across she is the only one who hasn't read them. All the messages in the chat will be grey ticks for weeks at a time until one day they'll randomly be blue where she's finally clicked on us (and there must of been hundreds of missed messages by that point)

She will very rarely send a photo or video of her kids, to which I just ignore. If you don't want to bother with us I'm not bothering with you.

AIBU to just remove her? Clearly she doesn't want to be in it, so why does she need to be? It is just so rude.

You need different groups. A group for this level of chit chat with those who like it, and a different group for information exchange that's relevant - eg logistics for a BBQ, info re presents for kids etc.

I’d feel a bit silly going on a group to say good morning every day. Possibly she feels that when she does post something it’s a bit like chucking it out into the void.

At least she’s polite enough to respond when messaged directly. I’m a member of several groups that I only open periodically and am confronted with hundreds of messages. Most of which isn’t relevant to me.

Just not that into WhatsApp although I have a group chat with work so I will check in several times a day. Honestly my advice would be to relax and accept she is not really into the group chat.

Good god. I've muted all my groupchats. Including the ones with my own brothers(who don't have their wives on it cos there's literally no need when they live in the same bloody house!). The constant ping ping ping was driving me insane. If I was getting "good morning" from every single person I'd be removing myself from every chat.
I really feel for your sil. Do her a favour & remove her from the chat.

Oh my days. I am SO glad I am not part of your 'family...' @whyberude Imagine being judged like this for having the temerity to not want to spend all day chatting shit to your demanding in-laws? I hope she reads this, and leaves the group. You sound insufferable!

Yeah take her off the group. You'll be doing her a favour. Urgh. Imagine having extended family like this!

Sorry but is up to your SIL how she engages with the What’s App chat. She probably has better things to do than type a meaningless ‘Good morning’.

I would reflect on your own behaviour as to why she doesn’t want to engage with the group.

I am always the kind of person who votes YANBU and I always tend to have the more sympathetic view, by mumsnet standards anyway! I initially thought this was a joke, tbh.

I'm in my husband's family's whatsapp group and I have it muted. I sometimes comment, but generally its a place for the blood relatives to communicate and the in-laws are added as a courtesy, as far as I can see it.

I dip in every so often for birthdays, big life events or if one of the neices or nephews has done something noteworthy. None of my in laws have ever expressed any kind of dissatisfaction with my level of interaction, and if they did I would be very annoyed with the level of entitlement.

I am a very easy going person who can always see everybody's side but in this case either you are extremely controlling or there's a huge backstory and you can't stand her.

I suggest you do post this on chat or relationships and see the response you get. This level of expectation is very unhealthy.

God you sound exhusting and completely ignorant of communication styles.

You seem to be blaming your SIL for not seeing your DB. Why is it her fault?

I have group chats I'm a part of, sometimes read and rarely respond. I just don't have the headspace to do so.

I travel regularly for work and dont message my DH everyday. There's no way I'd message my OH family chat good morning.

And, why can't your DB share photos of their kids, why does it have to be her?

FWIW - I'd have given you the same reponse on other boards.

Christ poor woman, course she has the chat on mute, most people with busy lives will just mute chats and dip in when tagged or have time. Who on earth has time to message good morning and sit and chat, if she has kids and works she won't even look at her phone in the morning. If people need to tell me something in the morning they ring me as I don't pick messages up until after I start work. I am in lots of group chats, including a family one, it's dip in and out whenever, everyone is busy so don't expect a reply is the general consensus. Also checking who has read your post 🤣 you must have too much time on your hands?

OP clearly isn't interested in listening to anyone else's opinion that happens to be almost unanimous. 😂😂

This has to be a wind-up

I’m sorry but that’s massively intense. No way would I want to message good morning every day, it may only take a second but I’m often getting ready for work/driving to work/dealing with things for the day/walking the dog/dealing with more important messages.

YABU to block her. Maybe call your mum for a chat instead which she might enjoy more.

Sorry if this has been answered before? who set up the family group chat to begin with and did you ask SIL if she wanted to be a part of it? my husband and his siblings have their own group chat and me and mine have our own group chat - if there are photos/comments etc that I need to see he will forward them on to me and vice versa - quite frankly between work group chats, friend group chats, local area group chats, family group chats - I resent being added to even more group chats without someone asking me first - I have the majority of them muted permanently. If it's important enough they'll have to ring me or message me directly! 100% with the SIL in this case - seems like you've been watching it for so long, seeing the blue ticks/grey ticks that you've become a bit obsessed with it - live and let live - there are more important things in life

YABU.

I get that everyone has different levels of need/neediness. But some people's lives are pretty busy and full already and every single item on the to-do list counts. It's not just the 10 seconds it takes to write it, it's the headspace it takes up, the knowledge that the list has become a bit longer.

I am a sporadic, delayed responder on WhatsApp. I prefer to spend my social time on meaningful interactions with friends and family. I always spend time and effort to see them on a regular basis, ring often, send cards and gifts for every birthday (and sometimes in between too, if I spot something I think they will like). But a non-urgent daily round of generic messages - no thank you. I have more important, worthwhile things to dedicate headspace to.

Your group chat sounds like my idea of complete hell. And exactly why I do the same as your SIL in my group family chats.

Guessing she would be thrilled to be removed. Can’t believe you don’t understand your behaviour and expectations are so atypical.

If I were SIL I'd have muted that chat too. Presumably if you needed her to be aware of something important you'd message ger directly or maybe even phone her. Is she married to your brother? If so, can't he relay any messages to her that aren't noise or nonsense?

I’m one of those really shit people who doesn’t respond to messages at the best of times, let alone messaging every day to say good morning! I’d text family on their birthday morning (probably on the family group chat) but that’s the limit for regular morning communication.

Are you all this intense? No wonder she doesn't want to make an effort, I wouldn't do it either.
As for your brother, I am pretty sure he is an adult capable of making his own decisions.

So you are controlling, rude, petty, spiteful and obsessive but it’s your SIL who is the problem?

If your brother has distanced himself from you, I doubt it’s down to your SIL’s behaviour.

Do yourself a favour and get a life that doesn’t revolve around trying to dictate how everyone else should behave.

Gutted

I don't blame her given how harshly you're judging her. You sound like such hard work! Lots of people don't want to be glued on their phone from the second they wake up or pinged with lots of notifications. Lots of people don't like WA because of the data mining. In short, there could be loads of reasons why she doesn't engage but you've decided it's because she's horrible.

Message has been withdrawn hence I don’t have a clue what you’re talking about!

You want to throw a handgranade of spite into the middle of your family? Good luck with that.

I'm in a group chat related to a hobby so I can't leave it as once in a blue moon there is important information about times & places, but by fuck it's tedious scrolling through all the inane shite to pick out any snippet that matters. Honestly, it's full of nonsense. So I mute it & check it periodically. I really wish there was an inane shite filter.

Do her a favour and remove her from the group! Tbh having to send a 'good morning' message every day would piss me off too, no wonder she's muted it.

Way too intense!