To remove SIL from the group chat?

[whyberude]

We have a family group chat, my mum, my brothers, me, my husband and my brothers wife (SIL)

I just find her so rude. We all message each morning just to say good morning to which she never replies or messages good morning to us. It takes just a second of your day? Means a lot to my mum, her MIL who lives alone and can be lonely. Why can't you just say it?

She very, very rarely engages in conversation. If you @ her directly in the chat she will reply (which leads me to suspect the chat is muted and she only gets notifications when tagged...)

Only one in a blue moon do I click on the chat and see two blue ticks, and when I slide across she is the only one who hasn't read them. All the messages in the chat will be grey ticks for weeks at a time until one day they'll randomly be blue where she's finally clicked on us (and there must of been hundreds of missed messages by that point)

She will very rarely send a photo or video of her kids, to which I just ignore. If you don't want to bother with us I'm not bothering with you.

AIBU to just remove her? Clearly she doesn't want to be in it, so why does she need to be? It is just so rude.

I do similar but with weekend ones, I don't expect responses but it keeps communications open

Good morning OP

Good morning OP's mum

(I wonder if there's a time in the morning that it's too late to say the good morning. Is 11:45 a bit late? Should it be done by 9am? Must do better tomorrow...)

You’d be the rude one for deleting her. What a thing to get worked up over 🙄

Yep - I'd be muting the chat!
Why remove her though? What harm is she doing?

I think you need to stop obsessing about you SIL's level of participation in the family WhatsApp group. The demand for a daily good morning seems extremely needy.

I'm in several WhatsApp groups, they are all muted.

My mother used to do this our family whatsapp - policing who replies to what, how long they take, whether their response was enthusiastic enough, whether they didn't respond even though they were showing active .....it was fecking exhausting, she consided that we had to "perform" on whatsapp to be considered a worthy part of the family.

we all gradually stopped engaging on it, and the group now just deals with practicalities of meet ups / family occasions.

and funny enough once my mother weaned off whatsapp and stopped expecting it to be the main hub of communication, she was fine

Family closeness and ticks in a WhatsApp thread are not related OP. You are putting way to much emphasis on WhatsApp as some kind of indicator of what kind of relationship she has/wants with you. I, like most people on this thread, would mute this group. Cos I have e a job and a life and hearing it ping every two minutes would do my head in. My husband isn’t on WhatsApp. Is he loved by my family? Yes he is. Your “good mornings”
are performative nonsense. If you want to wish someone good morning, text them specifically.

Are you the administrator of the group? If you are, leave the group as it is and set up a new one where you're the administrator for that group too, just don't have SiL in it.

Then see what happens 😆

It sounds like you dislike SIL, and you are going to use her extremely normal reaction to your family's bizarre WhatsApp habits as an excuse to cause some drama.

If you do want to cause drama then absolutely remove her. If you're actually interested in a happy familial relations, then don't. Simple.

Think we know how that would have gone 🤣

Wow.

Different people use social media, messaging apps, etc in different ways. What you're describing might be just what you want and what makes you happy, but for others (myself included!) that just feels way too much.

Maybe your SIL has other things in her life beyond being at the beck and call of her phone. Like, life, work, children, the real world. I wouldn't stop everything to text good morning or answer a general message in a group chat while getting everything ready for work/nursery in the morning, or while at work, or while making dinner, or playing with my DC, or any of the hundred and one other things that are more important than a group chat.

Get off your phones. Spend time actually connecting with each other. If you have a relative who you know is lonely, go and visit them. A Waltons-esque register of waking up isn't going to change their loneliness, just assuage other people's guilt.

I've just thought of another thing - you mentioned @whyberude , that your SiL doesn't post any photos to the family WhatsApp group. Does your brother (her husband) post any photos or are you just nosey into what SiL gets up to?

You are being absolutely ridiculous and this is the reason I specifically told DH not to include me in his family's ridiculous innocuous groupchat- so I don't have to deal with people like you. If DH wants to send pics of our DS, that's his choice, not my obligation. Leaver your SIL alone.

I would hate the performative good morning whats app every day and would probably remove myself from the group. I am with your SIL.

Jeez I’d have this chat on mute. That would drive me nuts. Sure, writing good morning doesn’t take long, but I hate the constant notifications on group chats, I generally mute all group chats for that reason unless it’s a group chat where people only message with something useful to say.

You sound alot more like the problem than her. Who all sends their family a good morning text every morning like who has time for that 😂 you are very intense and sound crazy , the sil is the only smart one here imo. I’m sure she hates you as much as you hate her too

@whyberude I could be your sister in law. I don't engage. I don't feel like it. I respond as and when I want to and that is just fine.

Chatting is optional and not mandatory in my family and it should be in yours too.

Butt out. Leave her alone. You aren't the boss and your wants and needs don't trump her right to interact as she sees fit.

You sounds like a controlling, bossy nightmare!

I care that she doesn't seem to be interested in being part of the family at all.
No, you care that she doesnt fit into your idea of how the family should behave. That's not the same thing.

You have her in the chat to be polite. Sil doesnt leave to be polite. Do not cause an argument over such a petty issue i expect that will be far more upsetting for all involved especially your mum.

Also next time she posts a picture engage and perhaps she will join in more.

I hate these group chats and the expectation people have time or interest. I’m in one with my DH’s family and I have it muted and archived. I’d be delighted if someone removed me. Half the time they’re messages that should be a 1-1 and the other half it’s just random crap. I work a full time job with multiple other commitments, ive not got time for the daily good morning and constant messages.

I second your 🤣.

Do you have T&C's set up on your group chat?

A lot of people are saying 'who has the time for this?'. But even if you had all the time in the world and no life whatsoever (like me!🤣), there would still be zero obligation to participate in this intense and performative nonsense. The whole premise of it is bonkers.

Causing huge distress by not sending the daily good morning message, of course! 🤣

I live alone, and yes, sometimes I'm lonely. But a bunch of obligatory Good Mornings every day wouldn't help with that.

I have a family WhatsApp. My DDs and I chat on it when we've something to share (maybe every couple of days?) my son's in law are on it, but only pop in very occasionally, which is what I'd expect, and which I'm perfectly happy with.

What your mum needs, if anything, is individuals chatting to her when they've got something to say. Not reading a bunch of Good Mornings with no follow up, that have mindlessly been put on a family chat while the family members get ready for work.

Please delete her. I bet she’ll be over the moon. You sound like a horrendous in law. Stop stalking when she’s online too.