To remove SIL from the group chat?

[whyberude]

We have a family group chat, my mum, my brothers, me, my husband and my brothers wife (SIL)

I just find her so rude. We all message each morning just to say good morning to which she never replies or messages good morning to us. It takes just a second of your day? Means a lot to my mum, her MIL who lives alone and can be lonely. Why can't you just say it?

She very, very rarely engages in conversation. If you @ her directly in the chat she will reply (which leads me to suspect the chat is muted and she only gets notifications when tagged...)

Only one in a blue moon do I click on the chat and see two blue ticks, and when I slide across she is the only one who hasn't read them. All the messages in the chat will be grey ticks for weeks at a time until one day they'll randomly be blue where she's finally clicked on us (and there must of been hundreds of missed messages by that point)

She will very rarely send a photo or video of her kids, to which I just ignore. If you don't want to bother with us I'm not bothering with you.

AIBU to just remove her? Clearly she doesn't want to be in it, so why does she need to be? It is just so rude.

I’m not a big participant in my family chat or my dh family chat. I’m not doing it to be rude but I don’t feel every message needs a response and I don’t actually message much unless I have time. It might look to others than I’m active if they check when I was last online but what they might see is I was last online reading the last message that has been sent to me.

I don’t think you should remove her as that will create a whole world of problems and I imagine your brother will then leave the chat. I would just be the bigger person and move past it. Your mum has her children messaging every morning, that’s lovely and should be enough.

From experience I’m sure she would be relieved at not being on the chat. However might be good to have one with just your mum and brothers maybe say it’s for practical things for your mum and then just start using that one.

I really wish you'd enabled voting OP...

Another very good point. I’d like to know this too.

My family have a group whatsapp. I love them all dearly but they can waffle for Britain, and yep I have them muted. My DS will message the group 20 times before 9am to tell us every detail of her day, what she thinking of having for lunch, what shes planning to watch on telly that night, what colour her DD's sh*t is.. 😂 Its exhausting to keep up with sometimes, even more so now I have a 7 month old to run around after. I'm sure your SIL is in the same boat as me and just finds it hard to stay on top of as well as looking after kids etc. Some people are just alot more chatty and sociable than others. Doesnt mean we dont care :)

Agree with PP in that tick box exercises are empty and meaningless.
I say morning. You say morning. End of.
She's probably thinking what's the point of that.

Haha I am in my husband’s family group chat and it’s an insane amount of messages so I have it muted, when I finally catch up a week later there’s a 100 messages! So I’m in your SIL’s position. I don’t want to be excluded and am happy to catch up and contribute occasionally, but I don’t want my phone pinging all the time.

ps. Everyone texting good morning every morning is excessive would do my head in!!

Don't be ridiculous! You sound completely unhinged. I'd mute you too. In fact, I've muted my husbands family group chat as well. Because it's the most mundane boring shite ever. I have more important things to do with my life that say hello to someone every morning (you know like get ready for work and school and life) and see have no interest in seeing 100 pics a day of your precious spawn.

Maybe she's got a life.

My husband and my bil aren’t on our family WhatsApp and my brother barely replies on it. And I’m not on my husbands with his parents and bro. Whilst they’re (extended) family, they’re not my nuclear family, so I can totally see why she’s not that bothered with it! Maybe she just doesn’t use WhatsApp much? Poor woman!

People like you Op and your family are the cause of unnecessary anxiety through your petty behaviour.
Go and spend time with your mom if you feel guilty.
Stop trying to control others. You are so overbearing with your stalker behaviour.

I take my hat off to your SIL ignoring you.

OP - you sound unhinged. I am part for family group chats and yours does not sound a normal level of intensity.

I mean this in the nicest way possible OP but you're an intense fucking weirdo 😂

Ha ha, OMG - this is one of the most ridiculous posts I've ever seen and no, I don't think you'd get different responses on other boards. Unless they were also stalkers!

Absolutely bonkers

Please, please, stop checking the blue/grey ticks and whether your sil has seen the messages or is online. To borrow from the Shakespeare thread yesterday ‘that way madness lies’ (King Lear).

@whyberude
She likely relies on your brother to keep her updated. Why is her responding so important to you. If the other members of the group are not complaining (and why would they be upset?) you should ignore it and move on.

DH has a family what’s app (actually a few different ones).

I thought I’d start one with my siblings (when my mum was ill) - I think we swapped all of six messages before the group died ten minutes later.

MIL kept moaning at DH that I wasn’t responding to her messages. I felt as soon as I answered one id get another of just idle waffle.

Yep your SIL has muted your chat as it’s just pointless waffle. I’m sure if a family member ended up in A&E they’d be personal texts/calls therefore it’s not like she’s missing anything important.

Removing her would potentially cause far more drama within the family, compared to you just feeling like she can be a bit rude. So I'd leave it.

I'd never have time to message people every morning - mornings are a rush to get everyone ready and to their various destinations on time. I feel like I'm arriving everywhere in a could of my own dust in the morning. It's just one more unnecessary thing on this poor woman's to do list every day.

We speak to my parents and my in laws once a week. We make an effort to have a proper thoughtful chat then. I think that's plenty.

I'm sorry that your mother is lonely, but it's not your SIL's responsibility to shoulder that. It's yours and your brothers', her actual children. Your SIL may have caring responsibilities towards her own parents. I assume none of you help her with those?

I'd find that completely pointless to be honest. Yes it only takes a second but it seems a bit meaningless, and for me and most people it's not the same as ignoring someone face to face. If I was lonely I don't think seeing the words 'good morning!' written down would help me.

It's your family's ritual and that's OK but most people here clearly think its OTT. And that it's OK for her not to join in.

I'd really question whether this is worth falling out over. Because your actions are likely going to make you the bad guy. She doesn't participate in sending a (in her eyes) pointless repetitive daily message. You are pointedly ignoring pictures of your own nephews and nieces and are considering dropping someone from a group when the overwhelming majority of people on this thread have said they don't think she has done anything wrong.

Do you think the fall out is worth it? Can you just find a way to accept she doesn't want active involvement in the chat, if the relationship is otherwise ok?

What, and I cannot stress this enough, the fuck.

”I care that she doesn't seem to be interested in being part of the family at all”

Oh well, stay mad about it I guess. She’s a more tolerant woman than me, I would have removed myself from the group chat nonsense well before now.

Jesus Christ how do people find the time and mental energy for whatsapping every morning.It’s insane.Btw my WhatsApp is muted all the time so I can reply at my leisure..

My DH is in a whatsapp group with his parents and some others where they always message good morning every morning.

His parents live along way away in a part of the world that is not safe and they are not in great health. For this reason, I find the good morning messages comforting.

But, I am so pleased I am not in the whatsapp group. Op - you sound full on.

I mean your poor sil. Sorry but I’m in a family WhatsApp. I’ve got it muted 99% of the time. I only unmute it when there is plans actually being made. The rest is inane shit chat.

Why do you all need to group chat mornings. You’re not children in a holiday for the first time away from each other. You’re fully grown ass adults with children. Why do you and your Dh have to message a separate morning. Surely one of the household is plenty anyway.

Go and get a hobby.