To remove SIL from the group chat?

[whyberude]

We have a family group chat, my mum, my brothers, me, my husband and my brothers wife (SIL)

I just find her so rude. We all message each morning just to say good morning to which she never replies or messages good morning to us. It takes just a second of your day? Means a lot to my mum, her MIL who lives alone and can be lonely. Why can't you just say it?

She very, very rarely engages in conversation. If you @ her directly in the chat she will reply (which leads me to suspect the chat is muted and she only gets notifications when tagged...)

Only one in a blue moon do I click on the chat and see two blue ticks, and when I slide across she is the only one who hasn't read them. All the messages in the chat will be grey ticks for weeks at a time until one day they'll randomly be blue where she's finally clicked on us (and there must of been hundreds of missed messages by that point)

She will very rarely send a photo or video of her kids, to which I just ignore. If you don't want to bother with us I'm not bothering with you.

AIBU to just remove her? Clearly she doesn't want to be in it, so why does she need to be? It is just so rude.

She's not interested in joining in with your family because at least some of you radiate dislike for her.

Your brother has the choice and seems to be agreeing with her and distancing himself.

Maybe it is time to make a few changes if you want closer family ties.

Well, Lostforworlds, I hope this thread gives you a modicum of comfort that the whole of MN is on your side!!

This is much too intense. I can understand it’s nice for your Mum to get a ‘good morning’ from her own children, but leave your sil be, for heaven’s sake. You can’t stage manage a Whats app group! And removing your sil would reflect really badly on you - very petty behaviour.

@whyberude If it’s starting to annoy you OP that everyone is saying more or less the same thing to you repeatedly, maybe you can now spare a thought for your SIL as it seems this is what it is like for her every day in your group chat.

If I was SIL I would change my number weekly. You sound like a bunch of psychos.

The whole point is that the group chat is not her family.

For all we know, she's on a separate whatsapp group for her actual family, and she does say good morning every day to them.

Bloody hell. Anybody else getting flashbacks to a nightmare SIL?

Am I your SIL? I do this. It does my head in, especially because some members are more needy than others and post CONSTANTLY, with an expectation of fairly quick response. The worst is birthdays when everyone is obliged to performatively post a variant of the exact same birthday message. I stopped participating full stop because it’s better to be fully inactive than have to comment on literally everything so as not to offend anyone. Who needs that pressure to be socially ‘on’ all the time?? I message people individually on their birthdays and message to have individual chats. I absolutely loathe WhatsApp groups because the whole interaction just feels so fake and performative.

Sounds like the OP is trying to recreate TheWaltons! 🙄

The only person unreasonable is YOU OP!

This! I get pissed off if DP messages me every morning. Like, have you got anything interesting/useful to say, or are you just slowing me down?

Every morning you message one another to say ‘good morning’?!

It sounds like sil has muted the chat - I would probably do the same tbh (I have muted a work chat before due to endless messages all day) It’s too much. Why does sil need to be involved? You are making this an issue/drama when it doesn’t need to be.

Just because you find it a nice thing to do and it only ‘takes seconds’ doesn’t mean everyone thinks the same as you.

I also think you are being petty ignoring pictures/vids that she sends of the kids.

Yes and I think one of my (very over involved) BILs judges me for not joining in and saying ‘well done’/heart emojis for every update. Why can’t I just hug the kids when I see them next and say well done then?

I feel stressed just reading this OP. Yes, delete her from the chat, the poor woman.

You are suffocating.
I would be glad to be removed.

Leave the woman alone and let her have some.peace.

It is TOO MUCH.

God no, lol. Just similar dynamic.

Does your brother ( her husband) post pictures etc so maybe she doesn’t feel the need too?

I am also in a group chat with DP family and it can be full on. Being busy with kids, family life etc means I hardly ever look at the chat as it's usually just basic things. It can also be days before I even open WhatsApp, I'm just not active on it. However DP and my family often use it to phone me if my signal is crap. That would look like I'm active but in fact not.

The issue isn't your chat, you think she is taking your brother away. It sounds more like your family are overbearing, she doesn't really know what to say and trying to keep low contact but in a nice way. Probably due to your clear judgement of her and how she should live her life.

Your brother is a grown man with HIS OWN family to look after so won't have the time to always be with your family. Its a shame your mum being lonely but really that's not something SIL can solve, she and DB may have other family things going on that mean they cannot mollycoddle her.

I don’t really speak In my native aethers family chat either, I speak if someone @‘s me and maybe if someone posts some news or an invite.
I don’t post pictures of my children, if people want to see them they can come see them or ask for pictures!
I hope my in laws aren’t discussing removing me from the chat for being rude 😂
this is utter madness OP.
i think you need to fill your time you sound bored

I am in a couple of group chats on WhatsApp, not family ones. If people started posting "Good Morning" ever single day I'd think they'd lost their marbles. People use a MESSENGER app when they have a MESSAGE to pass on. I feel very sorry for the sister in law as part of this family.

I'm always very fair when posting on AIBU and I tend to back up the OP when there is an unfair pile on (which quite often there is) but heed what people are saying to you here. You are being ridiculous! If this is how you behave no wonder the poor woman is distancing herself, you sound like incredibly hard work and really spiteful and petty that you'd ignore pictures of your nieces and nephews.

This family WhatsApp group sounds suffocating. We have one and I don't monitor who comments and who doesn't, you're even stalking her to check when she's online. It's just crazy behaviour and quite frankly I'd be distancing myself too.

partners family chat sorry, don’t know why it changed to native aethers

So let’s get this straight.

Your brother (AKA sil’s husband) opens the family WhatsApp every morning to say Good Morning to you and your mum but that’s not good enough? You want sil to do it too?

Sorry you’re being really childish.

Are you messaging all your in laws on a daily basis?

If this good morning messaging is essentially a box ticking exercise then what is even the big emotional significance of her not doing it? I cannot STAND when families have this huge pressure of obligation on members and in-laws to jump through arbitrary hoops to "prove " they care about each other.

I went on holiday with an ex boyfriend and his
family once and I'm not kidding when I say we spent at least half of our time traipsing round shops to get every single member of the family not on the trip a gift. Didn't even matter what the bloody gift was as long as every mortal family member got something - and it was a big
family! If this gifting ritual hadn't been adhered to, all hell would have broke loose.

OP, get a fucking grip.

Also, please do post on relationships if you think you'll get a remotely different reception. I really don't think you will.