"Therapy" is no better than a natter with a friend or a placebo.

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I am starting this thread to see what people think of therapy. I am personally convinced it is at least 80% useless - I am not saying completely useless, as I am sure talking about a problem makes you feel better, although you can talk things through with your pet rabbit - I used to as a teen! There is also some value in learning some techniques such as CBT, but that can be learnt from a book, so again, not sure of the value of an actual therapist.

I've come to this conclusion through two main sources, children and holocaust survivors.

I have known thousands of children through teaching, and fostering, and many many of them have seen therapists. My main observation is that huge expectations are placed on therapy as some sort of magic bullet that is going to cure all problems, but the result is inevitably disappointment, as nothing changes. Parents, and children too are left wondering what magic was supposed to have happened, and why it didn't. One fostering social worker once mentioned to me that she thought it was a complete waste of time after the age of 8, and I think she was right. Between the ages of 5 and 8, you can possibly use therapy to teach children a bit about the emotions they are feeling, which can help them understand themselves, but beyond that there seems to be no benefit

My other source is coming from a family of holocaust survivors, who never had therapy, and survived by not talking about hte past - Many went on to have long, happy, successful lives, married and raised families, ( including me!) . They did not discuss the past, and I was told not to ask questions. They were not totally without problems. I was aware of the occasional nightmare, and several of them were binge eaters who became obese in old age. However, they lived with this problems quite happily, and there was no talk or expectation of "therapy" of any kind to address them

So I have started this thread to see what others think. Maybe I am wrong - I am open to being told that I am wrong in this. My experiences have not given me any confidence in arranging for therapy for any child, or suggesting it for any adult, but please tell me if it is really in fact a wonder drug and I have missed the point somehow!

I should say I have been sent for therapy twice myself - once after being in a road accident in which my closest school friend died, ( aged 16)it was awful, made me cry every time, I felt so much better when I was allowed to stop, and once sent by my employer after I was knifed ( quite gently!) by a student at school - I was taught some useful CBT, but in my opinion a book would have been more helpful than a difficult journey to speak to someone who was basically going very slowly through what I could have read for myself in half the time without the train journey.

so:

YABU - therapy is helpful - and please explain how!
YANBU - therapy is a waste of time /a money maker/ sending someone for therapy or providing it is just a way of letting someone feel they are doing something useful, when they are not

I think this was partly the problem that I had.

A good therapist will know the right question to ask at the right time to help uncover blind spots in a persons thinking.

I went to cruise following the death of my mum. My god that woman was absolutely wonderful. I still think about her now with such affection. The first few sessions were me sitting down, crying then leaving. Then she just somehow started coaxing me through my grief. She helped me in a way that my husband/ friends could not. I don't think she has any notion of how much she helped me as I may have been in too much of a mess to tell her at the time.

I have talk therapy with a psychotherapist and it has been absolutely life changing. I'm a completely different person now in terms of my trauma and complex PTSD. Nowhere near a 'natter with a friend.'

It’s true that pouring tour heart out to a friend who cares may be more beneficial than a chat with a counsellor. But, there are only so many times you can moan at a friend before the friend gets fed up and ditches you. Trust me I know!

EMDR therapy has changed my life and the lives of my husband and children forever.
I have plenty of friends to talk to but as a previous poster mentioned burdening your friends with trauma and abuse is over the line for me and would be too difficult. A friend is not necessarily a safe place in the way that a therapist is.
I was actually "ok" before I had emdr- I functioned in society, had a very nice life and was a good parent and wife. I would and did tell people I had dealt with my trauma. EMDR has still improved my quality of life so massively that I find it almost incredible.
I also had talking therapy- this was also very helpful and I needed this to get to the point I could access EMDR.
Not everyone finds any given therapy useful, not everyone is able to "do the work," even if they would find it helpful. Not everyone is traumatized or otherwise effected by things that would effect someone else.
It doesn't mean that therapy doesn't work.

I'm very much a lay observer of Holocaust studies but what I might say there was that as a rule, only those with additional resources in some form (eg youth, health, psychological resilience) survived. And I think it's simplistic to say that they were fine afterwards, though I totally accept what you're saying which was that they frequently built totally successful lives by any measure.

I noticed that comment too, and I saw it - with respect, OP - not as an indication of resilience, but rather as an indication of a tendency to minimise things that have happened to you.

Resilience isn't about dismissing or trivialising difficult or damaging experiences, or even 'bouncing back', it's about drawing on the resources available to you to maintain your wellbeing in the face of such experiences. Therapy can very much be one of those resources.

Different types of therapy will suit different types of people. CBT is definitely not the only evidence-based therapy, but it’s the one NHS will give out because it’s easier to protocolise in their system. It will work for some, not all.
Some therapy will involve deep analysis and that won’t be for everyone either.
Other therapy will only focus on strength building and finding solutions.
There are good and bad therapists and those you ‘click’ with and those you don’t.

But talking with a friend cannot be compared to professional therapy. Therapy is an objective, non-judgemental, safe space where you can dump your issues and then close the door after the session. Your friend, if they even want to take the weight of your issues, will always view you through the lens of the help you needed. I’m not sure I’d want that.

I am very sorry for what both you and your DH went through, @PermanentTemporary
I have Continental Jewish heritage from one side of the family, and my observations agree with you and OP’s that there is much superficial resilience and success there. But these people had and their children, the generation above me, have, great difficulty with negative emotions. It has led to difficulties with my generation

@Polik there is no correlation between emotional literacy or knowledge and a need for therapy. My home country has more of a tradition than the UK of intensive talking therapies. A certain degree of intelligence and emotional awareness is necessary for undergoing such therapies. My source is my aunt, a Professor of Psychology.

But isn't that exactly the point - yes I do have 'bigger problems' - chronic anxiety and stress, very low self-esteem plus I find it difficult to open up to friends and family. And, frankly, none of my friends or family are equipped to deal with my problems - not because my problems are extreme, or because they are somehow inadequate people, but because they lack psychological insight, and have their own stuff going on.

Sorry, I misread this as the most recent post in the thread!

@ThePiglet you're right though. Even if it were just as good as a friend...how many friends would sit with you for an hour a week discussing your problems, your childhood, and your intimate issues? How many of us would want to share this with a friend? How many friends are equipped to deal with this?

Even if it was just as good as a random friend, we don't say 'a professional massage appointment is only as good as a friend giving you a back rub'...'a cleaner is only as good as your friend coming round with the hoover'...'a gardener is just the same as a friend coming over every week to mow the lawn.'