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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hosts are too generous?

134 replies

Krakinou · 02/08/2023 01:32

My partner and I have come to stay for a week at the home of the in-laws of one of his best friends. They live in a very beautiful area a few hours drive from us, and his friend, wife and children spend a few weeks here every summer. Last year they came to stay with us for a week. We don’t have guests often and were really happy to see them. We did our best to look after them well - we cooked nice food and gave them our bedroom with the kids on air mattresses on the floor since our house only has 2 rooms.

In return they invited us here this year and we arrived yesterday. The house is beautiful, has a pool in the garden with a view of the mountains. The “problem” is the hosts (friend’s in-laws) are just so so generous and welcoming that it’s making me uncomfortable.

We have a 7 month old baby, our first, and the in-laws have given us their bedroom with travel cot, en-suite etc. They’ve been cooking for us all and extremely kind. I assumed they were sleeping in a spare room but this evening I went to get a glass of water and realized they are sleeping on the sofa in the living room! They are in their 60s and I know that’s not exactly old but still it seems like a matter of respect that they should have their bed. And I know their son is arriving on Friday with his 4 kids. I’m not sure where they will sleep - in the living room too?? Also now we’ve realized we kept them up really late as we stayed talking with our friends in the living room till past midnight the last two nights. Now it makes sense why they didn’t just go to bed when they looked tired.

Of course we brought some gifts, wine etc and plan to do a supermarket shop to contribute, but I feel like this isn’t enough. What if we misinterpreted the invitation and are unwittingly taking advantage of them? Maybe it wasn’t meant to be an entire week, or they assumed we would get a hotel and we’re just offering out of politeness? Then again maybe they just really like hosting and see this as a normal kind welcome. It’s not my culture and I speak their language but not brilliantly so I’m not sure what to think. My partner is lovely but sometimes misses social cues. I’m not helping as much as I normally would as I’m focusing on the baby. What do you think?

IABU - I should relax, enjoy their kindness and stop overthinking.
IANBU - We shouldn’t have accepted such generosity and there’s an etiquette we should be following. If you vote this, I’d really appreciate advice on how I should respond.

OP posts:
SlipSlidinAway · 02/08/2023 01:44

So it's a one bedroom house?

How about tomorrow you say to them that you're really sorry you disturbed them getting a glass of water but hadn't realised they were sleeping in the living room. Then offer to leave by Friday so they can accommodate their son and family?

Twoleftlegs · 02/08/2023 01:46

Yabu

thank them graciously and relax

its nice of them to ensure you have a private space instead of shoving you on the sofa, but they really aren’t doing anything extra. they are cooking for you and are giving you a bed? Lovely for them to put you up, but I really don’t see how this is too generous?

i was expecting them to have left a Rolex on your pillows from your post title

Twoleftlegs · 02/08/2023 01:47

Just ask about the son arriving?

Sameold23 · 02/08/2023 01:53

I couldn't do that. I'd have to talk about it and say you hadn't realised they were on the sofa and also ask where the 5 new members are going to sleep. What was the initial conversation/plan?

Original poster
Krakinou · 02/08/2023 01:56

@SlipSlidinAway I think it’s a three bedroom house but their daughter & SIL are in one room and the grandkids in the other. Not sure though, I haven’t had a nose around and we’re in the first room on the corridor. Maybe if there a 3 rooms the kids will share with their parents and the son and his kids will have the third room.

I like the idea of suggesting we leave Friday but I don’t want it to seem like an insult.

@Twoleftlegs haha no Rolex unfortunately. But sleeping on the couch seems like a big gesture for people you’ve never met before. It’s an open plan living room/kitchen so means they don’t have any privacy.

OP posts:
SlipSlidinAway · 02/08/2023 01:57

Am slightly bemused by the fact that you didn't realise the house only has one bedroom. It must be very small - where did you think the other bedrooms were hiding? Confused

SlipSlidinAway · 02/08/2023 01:58

Cross post!

mariiiajane · 02/08/2023 01:58

In the morning I would tell them you had no idea they were staying on the sofa and you feel terrible. Have a chat about it and work out where to go from there.

Are there other bedrooms? I'm not sure how you wouldn't know unless their home has got several rooms and you assumed they were in one?!

Original poster
Krakinou · 02/08/2023 02:04

@Sameold23 my partner’s friend invited us via text and asked how long we fancied staying. I asked partner to check if they had a cot and if we would have a room (since I knew it would be tricky with the baby if not). Friend confirmed saying “you’ll have the best room! ;)” so partner suggested one week.
So the invite wasn’t directly agreed with the actual hosts - we’d never met them and tbh I didn’t know they’d be here at all.

OP posts:
ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 02:47

Is there any inn or other accommodation nearby?

Can your husband phone the soon to arrive friend & ask what's up??

waterrat · 02/08/2023 03:18

Gosh yes lots of room for misinterpretation if it wasnt arranged directly

I would pretend plsns has changed and move on. But id also try to set things straight asap so they can have their room back

It does sound unusual as a set up ..as you say ...maybe something got lost via the 3rd hsnd arrangement

SlipSlidinAway · 02/08/2023 04:36

So the invite wasn’t directly agreed with the actual hosts - we’d never met them and tbh I didn’t know they’d be here at all.

You're staying a week with people you've never met before? I misunderstood your op and thought they had stayed with you and were returning the favour, but your friend (who stayed with you) invited you to stay with his in-laws? I can see why you would feel uncomfortable when they have their own family staying and have limited space. If it's their home why did you assume they wouldn't be there?

Could your dh phone the person who did the inviting to check if there's been some misunderstanding and if you should go home before more family members arrive?

CoachBeardsJane · 02/08/2023 04:42

My god I can't believe you've rocked up at the in-laws of your friends with a baby and intend to stay there a week whilst the owners of the house are sleeping on the sofa and you're in their bed.. this cannot be real

X6hfyib4ms · 02/08/2023 05:14

It's not your fault that you didn't realise the in laws would be booted out of their room for you.

However it was rude of your partner to suggest a weeks stay, that is ridiculously long. Even my best friends don't stay longer than 3 days... You know what they say about guests being like fish (go off after 3 days).

I think there needs to be an excuse to cut the stay short so everyone saves face. They won't want to feel you're leaving early because of the situation but at the same time I'm sure will be relieved you're leaving early.

You know your lives and what would work as an excuse - family emergency / work emergency / something wrong in your home you need to sort.

Definitely leave before the additional family arrive, if not before.

Lucyintheskywithadiamond · 02/08/2023 06:02

It sounds like a very strange situation, I would not stay in the home of someone I have never met before especially for a week. I would be leaving early.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 02/08/2023 06:11

In return they invited us here this year and we arrived yesterday

Also now we’ve realized we kept them up really late as we stayed talking with our friends in the living room till past midnight the last two nights

This all seems so weird, you dont even know how many nights you have been there.

FineBerol · 02/08/2023 06:16

Since you don't really know these people I'd leave ASAP

renthead · 02/08/2023 06:16

Also now we’ve realized we kept them up really late as we stayed talking with our friends in the living room till past midnight the last two nights.

So your friends who invited you are there with you?

None of this makes any sense.

electriclight · 02/08/2023 06:19

If the friends who invited you are there too, can't you discuss it with them?

Just explain that you had no idea that you were in their parents' room and now feel terrible about it and feel that you should leave earlier.

You'll be able to gauge the right thing to do from their reaction.

bevelino · 02/08/2023 06:22

CoachBeardsJane · 02/08/2023 04:42

My god I can't believe you've rocked up at the in-laws of your friends with a baby and intend to stay there a week whilst the owners of the house are sleeping on the sofa and you're in their bed.. this cannot be real

This

It takes CF to a new level.

Aprilx · 02/08/2023 06:33

CoachBeardsJane · 02/08/2023 04:42

My god I can't believe you've rocked up at the in-laws of your friends with a baby and intend to stay there a week whilst the owners of the house are sleeping on the sofa and you're in their bed.. this cannot be real

This!

I honestly cannot believe you planned to take a holiday for a week at the in-laws of a friend? Why on earth would you agree to this and how have you not yet worked out how many rooms there are in the house! And you have accepted the bedroom of the hosts. You should have refused in the first place. CF.

electriclight · 02/08/2023 06:37

I don't see the point of berating op for being cheeky. She already feels like that so how is it helping?

Clearly a misunderstanding. She didn't invite herself, she was invited. She thought they'd be in a spare room. They were asked how long they wanted to stay and suggested a week, probably because that's how long their friends stayed with them last year.

As soon as she realised that she had pushed the parents into the living room, and that there wasn't another room for the family arriving in a few days, she posted for advice.

ReyFinn · 02/08/2023 06:45

You arrived yesterday but have spent two nights there?

How odd.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 02/08/2023 06:47

I think your friend has over sold this.

sleep15783 · 02/08/2023 07:00

I would definitely have a word with your friends and say you don't feel comfortable with the sleeping arrangements/ perhaps looks for alternative accommodation.

However you mentioned culturally they are different. My DH culture is different to mine and this is the sort of thing his parents would do. They are very good/generous hosts. When they have guests staying they go above and beyond and the guests always have their room. We once had some renovations at our house and my in-laws insisted we stayed with them. They also insisted that we took their room to the point of getting insulted when we tried to argue. We even had water bottles put by the bed every night like a hotel service. I do think for some cultures this is the norm.