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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hosts are too generous?

134 replies

Krakinou · 02/08/2023 01:32

My partner and I have come to stay for a week at the home of the in-laws of one of his best friends. They live in a very beautiful area a few hours drive from us, and his friend, wife and children spend a few weeks here every summer. Last year they came to stay with us for a week. We don’t have guests often and were really happy to see them. We did our best to look after them well - we cooked nice food and gave them our bedroom with the kids on air mattresses on the floor since our house only has 2 rooms.

In return they invited us here this year and we arrived yesterday. The house is beautiful, has a pool in the garden with a view of the mountains. The “problem” is the hosts (friend’s in-laws) are just so so generous and welcoming that it’s making me uncomfortable.

We have a 7 month old baby, our first, and the in-laws have given us their bedroom with travel cot, en-suite etc. They’ve been cooking for us all and extremely kind. I assumed they were sleeping in a spare room but this evening I went to get a glass of water and realized they are sleeping on the sofa in the living room! They are in their 60s and I know that’s not exactly old but still it seems like a matter of respect that they should have their bed. And I know their son is arriving on Friday with his 4 kids. I’m not sure where they will sleep - in the living room too?? Also now we’ve realized we kept them up really late as we stayed talking with our friends in the living room till past midnight the last two nights. Now it makes sense why they didn’t just go to bed when they looked tired.

Of course we brought some gifts, wine etc and plan to do a supermarket shop to contribute, but I feel like this isn’t enough. What if we misinterpreted the invitation and are unwittingly taking advantage of them? Maybe it wasn’t meant to be an entire week, or they assumed we would get a hotel and we’re just offering out of politeness? Then again maybe they just really like hosting and see this as a normal kind welcome. It’s not my culture and I speak their language but not brilliantly so I’m not sure what to think. My partner is lovely but sometimes misses social cues. I’m not helping as much as I normally would as I’m focusing on the baby. What do you think?

IABU - I should relax, enjoy their kindness and stop overthinking.
IANBU - We shouldn’t have accepted such generosity and there’s an etiquette we should be following. If you vote this, I’d really appreciate advice on how I should respond.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 02/08/2023 07:18

I'd explain that I didn't realise they were on the sofa, and that I felt bad for them. I'd go to bed earlier, 10pm. Also I'd leave after 5 days, not 7. Buy them a big bunch of flowers, wine and chocolates to say thank you.

Janieforever · 02/08/2023 07:24

I’m really stunned you got invited and suggested a whole week. I can’t beLieve anyone would do that. Max you say one or two nights. A week? You’ve treated it like a holiday.

Dovetail40 · 02/08/2023 07:26

I think this is so cheeky.

I would take them out for meals.
Get a food order in.
And find a hotel!
I know the hosts have offered but you know it is taking the piss.
Give them their room back.
This is CF behaviour.

Weedoormatnomore · 02/08/2023 07:31

I would just ask the friends who invited you if a week was too much as your concerned where the other family will sleep.
Is your baby sleeping though the night and not waking up at the crack of dawn?

Dovetail40 · 02/08/2023 07:32

Your husband's best friend is also cf.

Stays at yours for free and then offers in laws place whilst they sleep on sofa.

So arrogant n selfish.

Loulou599 · 02/08/2023 07:34

Your husbands friend is so rude. But also you people are rude for choosing a week when you knew from the start that this was somebody else's house who you didn't speak to about this.
I would have a direct talk with them: just explain everything you have said here and tell them you feel so rude and uncomfortable and insist that they take their room back and you take the living room.

Roussette · 02/08/2023 07:37

So you asked if they had a cot and would you have your own room, and now you are embarrassed they have provided a cot and given up their room for you?! Come off of it!

I would not be staying for a whole week with someone I didn't know. Very CFery. Get yourselves out of there and check into a hotel whilst leaving a case of wine for the kindness they have already shown you.

Janieforever · 02/08/2023 07:42

Roussette · 02/08/2023 07:37

So you asked if they had a cot and would you have your own room, and now you are embarrassed they have provided a cot and given up their room for you?! Come off of it!

I would not be staying for a whole week with someone I didn't know. Very CFery. Get yourselves out of there and check into a hotel whilst leaving a case of wine for the kindness they have already shown you.

Agree. You need to leave. It isn’t ok.

continentallentil · 02/08/2023 07:47

It really sounds like a something’s got lost in translation. Quite an odd situation.

I’d head off asap with an excuse.

goingtotown · 02/08/2023 07:52

You need to be packing your bags today.

Sparkletastic · 02/08/2023 08:00

Your friend has really put upon his in-laws by letting this happen. I'd invent a reason to go home today and, once home, send them a generous thank you gift.

IhearyouClemFandango · 02/08/2023 08:05

Who on earth suggests a week? Very odd behaviour.

Saverage · 02/08/2023 08:10

Your partner's friend is at fault here for not making it clear to you that the in-laws were actually going to be there, and for not giving up their own room to the parents and going on the couch.

But now you know - so make it clear to the parents you didn't know they were on the couch, and find a hotel / go home by tomorrow.

SoRad · 02/08/2023 08:12

I just think this whole set up is weird. Going on holiday to stay in someone else’s house.

Do you socialise with them? Are you friends?

Echobelly · 02/08/2023 08:13

I think people should lay off OP a bit she does say that she didn't know the ILs would be there, ie, she thought they'd have the house to themselves. And she is clearly feeling awkward now she's realised there's not just a spare room for the 'hosts'.

OP, I agree with others who've said it might be best to say that you can't let them be sleeping on the sofa, you didn't realise that would be the case and you'll let them have the house back. But obviously you need to do that ASAP for it to seem genuine.

They'd know that's not a snub/rudeness and honestly I think it's the right thing to do - it's not your fault that the friend set you all up for an awkward situation.

Dulra · 02/08/2023 08:15

I would definitely book a hotel and leave just say that was your plan all along and you were staying in the area a week but only a couple of days there and things must have got lost in translation. However generous they are and culturally normal this might be for them I would feel extremely uncomfortable with it and not relax at all so what is the point. Put it down to experience and lesson learnt don't agree to stay with strangers again!

SlipSlidinAway · 02/08/2023 08:22

Echobelly · 02/08/2023 08:13

I think people should lay off OP a bit she does say that she didn't know the ILs would be there, ie, she thought they'd have the house to themselves. And she is clearly feeling awkward now she's realised there's not just a spare room for the 'hosts'.

OP, I agree with others who've said it might be best to say that you can't let them be sleeping on the sofa, you didn't realise that would be the case and you'll let them have the house back. But obviously you need to do that ASAP for it to seem genuine.

They'd know that's not a snub/rudeness and honestly I think it's the right thing to do - it's not your fault that the friend set you all up for an awkward situation.

Why would she think they'd have the house to themselves? It's the friend's in-laws' home. And she asked if there would be a room for them - why would she ask that if she thought they would be away? Confused

SlipSlidinAway · 02/08/2023 08:23

SoRad · 02/08/2023 08:12

I just think this whole set up is weird. Going on holiday to stay in someone else’s house.

Do you socialise with them? Are you friends?

Op's second post - she says she's never met them before 🤷‍♀️
Still trying to make sense of this one!

SleepingStandingUp · 02/08/2023 08:24

So the daughter and her partner are in one room, their kids are in one room and now the grandparents are on the sofa?

And it was the daughter and her partner you sat up talking to past midnight?
So the daughter and partner are fully aware their parents are sleeping in the living room and unable to go to bed until everyone else does?
Sounds like they're used to being treated like that.

I'd apologise saying you hadn't realised and offer to swop or to book a hotel before their other son and kids arrive.

Whatswhatwhichiswhich · 02/08/2023 08:25

I would ask them if they’re ok with you continuing to stay.

CashmereDarling · 02/08/2023 08:25

Not understanding why people are attacking the OP! She has already said she feels weird and embarrassed about the situation!
These kind of responses are really making me dislike MN these days.

It sounds as though there was not clear communication about the situation. Talk to the friend about it and see if there is local accommodation you can move to.
Totally sounds like it's the friend who's responsible for not being clear about the situation in advance.

Did you travel a long way to get there? If so you may not necessarily be able to head off home early (or want to) but if you can stay somewhere else that would be a good option.

Ducksurprise · 02/08/2023 08:26

I don't agree, just because MN hates guests. I would and have give up my room without a thought and stay in lounge. It's a week.

SlipSlidinAway · 02/08/2023 08:27

So the daughter and her partner are in one room, their kids are in one room and now the grandparents are on the sofa?

Ah - so is the daughter's partner the person who invited op to stay?

milkandbread · 02/08/2023 08:34

OP did you host your friend's in laws and therefore your friend's in laws are repaying your kindness by letting you stay in their bedroom? If so, YANBU

If you hosted your friend and your friend has invited you to his in laws house then YABU. It is not your friend's house and sounds too small to be practical.

Like you, I would feel very uncomfortable to be invited to stay in someone else's house which is their home (ie not an empty holiday cottage owned by the in laws) - it is an imposition, no matter how kind they are.

Appreciate you were invited and did not realise the sleeping arrangements but agree, I could never in good conscience take the bed of anyone older than me either. It's not good manners or respectful - you are younger and on holiday, you should be on the floor.

SallyWD · 02/08/2023 08:35

What sort of house has a pool but only one bedroom? That sounds odd.
I do think your partner suggesting you stay a week is a little too much. You don't even know these people and a week's a long time.
Just have an honest talk with them. Say you're so grateful for their hospitality but you didn't realise they'd be on the sofa and you feel uncomfortable. Suggest shortening your stay.