Hosts are too generous?

[Krakinou]

My partner and I have come to stay for a week at the home of the in-laws of one of his best friends. They live in a very beautiful area a few hours drive from us, and his friend, wife and children spend a few weeks here every summer. Last year they came to stay with us for a week. We don’t have guests often and were really happy to see them. We did our best to look after them well - we cooked nice food and gave them our bedroom with the kids on air mattresses on the floor since our house only has 2 rooms.

In return they invited us here this year and we arrived yesterday. The house is beautiful, has a pool in the garden with a view of the mountains. The “problem” is the hosts (friend’s in-laws) are just so so generous and welcoming that it’s making me uncomfortable.

We have a 7 month old baby, our first, and the in-laws have given us their bedroom with travel cot, en-suite etc. They’ve been cooking for us all and extremely kind. I assumed they were sleeping in a spare room but this evening I went to get a glass of water and realized they are sleeping on the sofa in the living room! They are in their 60s and I know that’s not exactly old but still it seems like a matter of respect that they should have their bed. And I know their son is arriving on Friday with his 4 kids. I’m not sure where they will sleep - in the living room too?? Also now we’ve realized we kept them up really late as we stayed talking with our friends in the living room till past midnight the last two nights. Now it makes sense why they didn’t just go to bed when they looked tired.

Of course we brought some gifts, wine etc and plan to do a supermarket shop to contribute, but I feel like this isn’t enough. What if we misinterpreted the invitation and are unwittingly taking advantage of them? Maybe it wasn’t meant to be an entire week, or they assumed we would get a hotel and we’re just offering out of politeness? Then again maybe they just really like hosting and see this as a normal kind welcome. It’s not my culture and I speak their language but not brilliantly so I’m not sure what to think. My partner is lovely but sometimes misses social cues. I’m not helping as much as I normally would as I’m focusing on the baby. What do you think?

IABU - I should relax, enjoy their kindness and stop overthinking.
IANBU - We shouldn’t have accepted such generosity and there’s an etiquette we should be following. If you vote this, I’d really appreciate advice on how I should respond.

Totally agree, OP here because she feels very uncomfortable with situation, asking for advice and 99% of posters lay into her. I mean wtaf?

we once had something similar in Poland, am
curious to know where you are?

we were lucky enough to be able to repay their kindness when they visited us

can you make sure you invite them back?

Is your partner of the same culture that the friends/in-laws are? If yes and if he thinks this is not unusual then on further thought I would probably go along with it and treat it as a learning experience.

If you are not of that culture and sort of 'make a scene' even with the best intentions then it could be considered as insulting or just make them feel bad/uncomfortable about it.

Instead, I would just go out of my way to be a good guest - go to bed earlier. Help out as much as possible, be as generous as possible.

I think sometimes it is more insensitive/arrogant to try and impose your ideas of hosting/etiquette on another culture - than to just accept that different cultures do things differently and the best thing you can do is be as gracious as possible and 'fit in'.

In this situation we’d be the 60 year old hosts and we’d offer our bedroom. Why? Because it means we can deal with our insomnia without disturbing anyone else, make tea, put the lights on, etc. On the whole people don’t do anything they don’t want to. I think rejecting their hospitality would be the height of rudeness and cause huge offence.

In my house I would also offer to sleep in the open plan living space. Then I could get up when I want/use my own house regardless of what guests are doing. I would speak to your friends and take it from there.

A week!

Whilst I have given guests our king sized bed & We have slept in the living room, I’d have made it clear that ‘it would be lovely to have you stay for a couple of nights’.
If guests had told me they were staying for a week I’d have thought they were CF.

Which culture are they OP ? As that makes a difference re approach.
I think talking to them might be the best thing, apologise profusely for keeping them up and explain you didn’t realise that they were on the sofa. Could you swap with them ? Otherwise I would probably book a hotel , I think two nights or three at a push is ok, but longer than that and it is gruelling having guests.
Can you talk to your friend ?

The guests didnt TELL anything. They were asked how long theyd like to stay and suggested a wekk. if that was not agreeable, the hosts could have said "thats a bit much, lets make it 4 days" and I am sure that would have been fine.
They didnt, which means they didnt mind that much.

I really do think culture is at play here. In any case, it has only been 2 nights. If you feel awkward then cut the holiday short.

God the mumsnet bitches are out in force this morning. There a lot of people on this thread that need to take a good look at themselves. OP is obviously in a situation where she feels uncomfortable and is asking for some advice. The way she has been spoken to by some on this thread is awful. The fact that many of the posters haven't even bothered to read her updates because they are in such a hurry to stick the boot it is horrible.

I really don't understand the set up. You hosted your friend. In return the friends in laws are hosting. So not even like your friends parents that are like second parent to your husband? And even more people are arriving?

Talk with the friend. Say that you were unaware of the set up where parents sleep in living room and ask where the brother is going to sleep with family. Offer to leave earlier etc. Maybe they are used to this and are totally fine or then at least you can make space.

I don’t think it’s “in return” They were invited to visit/stay. Most folks would say for a weekend, I think the op and her husband misunderstood and asked to stay for a week and then asked for their own room and they asked for a cot to be provided. That’s not what you’d do normally. No one invited them for a week.

normally you’d say sure , we’d love to stay for a weekend, are you sure the house is ok, we can easily stay in a local hotel etc. if not convenient, not yes, can we stay a week, have our own room and a cot please.

In my culture, it wouldn't be a big deal to stay with people you have never met (friends of friends kind of thing) for a week and I remember as a child my parents hosting Random people or distant relatives for weeks. Once my father's sister in law's sister in law (or something like that) stayed with us for six months or so. She was doing a course in our town. She had accomodation but felt very lonely and homesick so my parents put her up. She slept in my room and I slept in my parents' bed. It wasn't a big deal. She was absolutely lovely and I didn't want her to leave. We often stayed with random people on holiday as well. In fact, it was only if we didn't know someone in the town we were visiting that we would stay in a hotel.

However, in my culture (I'm from India), if you had said that you were going to stay for a week and the hosts had gone out of their way to make you feel comfortable it would be considered quite rude and insulting if you then suddenly changed plans and left.

I'd just have a very honest talk with your hosts. Tell them you didn't realise that they'd be left without a room, maybe offer to move into a hotel (but accept it if they ask you not to), apologise profusely for putting them out and show gratitude and appreciation for the effort they are going to to make.you feel.comfortable. you can thank them by taking them out for a meal. And do help out whenever you can (or have your dh do so if you are busy with the baby) and then return the invitation.

I think we need a bit more information as this doesn't make a lot of sense at all...

Just ask them?

Post not unclear at all, not sure why people saying it is

Husbands best friends family stayed with them for a week last year. Let’s call husbands best friend Bob!

Bob and his family spend a few weeks every year with his in-laws

Bob invited ops family to join them and ops husband agreed. However no direct communication was made between op and in laws.

Op posted at 1am in the morning. So when she referred to having stayed up late for 2 nights she was probably including the night she was still in. Ie it’s Tuesday night still and she arrived Monday day so said she arrived “yesterday” as it technically was. However that would mean there were 2 evenings that they had been there

Op had no idea the in laws would be sleeping on the sofa and is mortified. She’s asking for advice not to have her op picked apart

For what it’s worth I would personally create a family emergency back home after a day or 2 as I think 3-4 nights is the maximum you should stay with anyone, let alone people you don’t know

'What sort of house has a pool but only one bedroom?'

The sil and dc are in other rooms, God knows where the son and his 4 kids arriving Fri will stay though.

The poor parents, imagine them on mn 'our ds has invited strangers to stay the very week we have our dd here. We are stuck sleeping in living room and they don't go to bed till last mn how on earth can we get rid of them?'.

Op, never accept an invite via a third party. I'd always want to at least have met hosts before sleeping in their bedroom.

I would take the in-laws to the side to speak to them privately and explain that you feel terrible they are sleeping on the sofa and say that you would have never have accepted the invitation if you'd know it would be putting them out of their own bedroom, thank them profusely for their hospitality and generosity but kindly explain that you will be leaving, then leave.

I'd be angry with your partners friend who arranged all this, who wants to holiday with a house full of people they don't even know, putting elderly relatives out of their own bed. Awkward!

Out of interest who exactly did you think would be staying at the house? Just your family? Or your family and your partners friends family?

OP I completely understand why you feel uncomfortable. Tbh I always prefer to stay in a hotel as I find I can’t fully relax in someone else’s house.

Not really the point of the thread but personally I couldn’t stay in someone’s house as their guest if neither myself nor my partner had met or spoken to them directly before. Precisely because I’d be concerned about a misunderstanding re length of stay or nature of the accommodation . All that said, culture is key here because in some the set-up you describe wouldn’t be unusual at all.

Personally I would thank my hosts graciously, treat them to a meal out and then cut the visit short and book a hotel.

I think your dh needs a direct conversation with his friend!

I wouldn’t give me bed up for anyone. Maybe my young DC, but definitely not a relative or friend. So they’re very generous doing that.

Also, it doesn’t sound like they’ve got space to host near strangers!!

What culture is it?

My initial response was going to be - Oh they sound lovely, relax and enjoy. Do your bit cooking and clearing up, they obviously enjoy having you.

Then I read the full post. How awkward!

I don't you have BU or a CF at all, it's all a huge misunderstanding.

I'd just talk to your hosts, explain how you feel and explain the offer presented to you.
To just pack up and leave would look really rude. Get it all out in the open and have a laugh about it. They still sound like lovely people, even if their DD and her partner have odd views on letting out Mum and Dad's house whilst they are there!

🤣 that would make my (very rainy) day!