Hosts are too generous?

[Krakinou]

My partner and I have come to stay for a week at the home of the in-laws of one of his best friends. They live in a very beautiful area a few hours drive from us, and his friend, wife and children spend a few weeks here every summer. Last year they came to stay with us for a week. We don’t have guests often and were really happy to see them. We did our best to look after them well - we cooked nice food and gave them our bedroom with the kids on air mattresses on the floor since our house only has 2 rooms.

In return they invited us here this year and we arrived yesterday. The house is beautiful, has a pool in the garden with a view of the mountains. The “problem” is the hosts (friend’s in-laws) are just so so generous and welcoming that it’s making me uncomfortable.

We have a 7 month old baby, our first, and the in-laws have given us their bedroom with travel cot, en-suite etc. They’ve been cooking for us all and extremely kind. I assumed they were sleeping in a spare room but this evening I went to get a glass of water and realized they are sleeping on the sofa in the living room! They are in their 60s and I know that’s not exactly old but still it seems like a matter of respect that they should have their bed. And I know their son is arriving on Friday with his 4 kids. I’m not sure where they will sleep - in the living room too?? Also now we’ve realized we kept them up really late as we stayed talking with our friends in the living room till past midnight the last two nights. Now it makes sense why they didn’t just go to bed when they looked tired.

Of course we brought some gifts, wine etc and plan to do a supermarket shop to contribute, but I feel like this isn’t enough. What if we misinterpreted the invitation and are unwittingly taking advantage of them? Maybe it wasn’t meant to be an entire week, or they assumed we would get a hotel and we’re just offering out of politeness? Then again maybe they just really like hosting and see this as a normal kind welcome. It’s not my culture and I speak their language but not brilliantly so I’m not sure what to think. My partner is lovely but sometimes misses social cues. I’m not helping as much as I normally would as I’m focusing on the baby. What do you think?

IABU - I should relax, enjoy their kindness and stop overthinking.
IANBU - We shouldn’t have accepted such generosity and there’s an etiquette we should be following. If you vote this, I’d really appreciate advice on how I should respond.

I Don't get the replies - the op was invited, she didn't demand anything- and the friend and his inlaws are all adults capable of setting their own boundaries.

So if there was no spare room for the op with room for a cot they should have said so, if they had said "it is OK, the in laws can sleep on the sofa".I am sure that the op would have declined. When they asked now long and the op said "a week?" They should have said then if this was too long.

Sounds like miscommunication all around. Why are people telling the OP to just ask the ILs if its ok. Of course these people are going to say 'well, of course you can stay' even if its through gritted teeth and they'd really rather you leave!

They are hardly going to say 'yes, please F off, we have family coming Friday, the sofa is killing my back and its been a massive inconvenience with you keeping us so late at night!'

OP- I'd make your excuses, even if you and DH had to say that something at home has come up, so you will be leaving today.

continentallentil · Today 07:47
It really sounds like a something’s got lost in translation. Quite an odd situation.

I’d head off asap with an excuse”

This. Misunderstanding all round. I’d thank them, give a parting gift and leave asap.

Are they Italian by any chance?

The poor parents, house in a nice area with pool and their hapless son invites whomever he likes to stay. I don't get why he didn't invite them to stay at his own house??

I would have a chat with them. Say you are not sure if any of this was actually arranged with them and you can’t possibly kick them out of their own bedroom. Is there a hotel nearby you can stay at? It could be their son has just told them that you’re coming without a thought about his mum and dad or the fact that other family is already there!

What culture is it because that might be the important thing here.

You have to leave.make very effusive thanks and apologies and go.
To stay with them when they had not invited you directly was cheeky but to continue to stay whilst they are on the sofa is very definitely approaching c.f. Status.

We have guests very frequently but have a separate bedroom and bathroom just for guests so that they do not have the feeling that they are 'in the way'.We were invited to old friends of my husbands two summers ago and they also vacated their bedroom for us so I understand how you feel .I was absolutely mortified and felt very uncomfortable .I also noticed that they were not used to having guests as they were both very much on tenterhooks the whole time we were there.It honestly put me off staying with other folks although my own house has a revolving door for guests .I would cut my visit short if I were you.

Thanks for the responses. The votes are about as divided as I felt. There’s some useful advice in the replies, so thank you.

To clarify: Friends are here with us. We know the friend’s wife pretty well too. A week was suggested because they stayed with us for a week last summer and the idea was first broached then. When they suggested it last summer it was in a joint holiday way. We live in different countries and only see each other every year or two. I sort of assumed it was the parents’ holiday home. But I probably missed details due to the language barrier.

I asked about the cot and room before accepting the invitation because we would have booked a hotel if we were on the sofa. But local hotels are now full this week.

To the conspiracy theorists: We arrived Monday evening and I was writing this at 3am Tuesday night/Wednesday morning. I hadn’t been shown around the home beyond our bedroom which is off the main living area and I wasn’t going to go wandering around the house.

@X6hfyib4ms The fish thing was exactly my thought, but it’s also very normal in our friendship group to stay with each other for up to a week since we all live so far away.

@electriclight Thanks for the suggestion of how to broach it and for understanding - made me feel less panicked about the situation.

@sleep15783 this was my feeling too culturally. I know my friends in India would see this as totally normal but they’re French/Portuguese. I was thinking about it last night and I know my parents would happily give up their room if they had a lot of friends staying, but sleeping on the sofa for a week is a lot.

In the end I raised it with friend’s wife this morning. She reassured me it really is fine, we’re welcome for the week and it’s as they intended. Her brother will share with them and his kids will share with her kids for the weekend he’s here. Apparently all the kids have always invited a lot of friends over and her parents love hosting. I will take advice about going to bed by 10 though. And am looking for plenty of activities out of the house.

In the end I raised it with friend’s wife this morning. She reassured me it really is fine, we’re welcome for the week and it’s as they intended. Her brother will share with them and his kids will share with her kids for the weekend he’s here. Apparently all the kids have always invited a lot of friends over and her parents love hosting. I will take advice about going to bed by 10 though. And am looking for plenty of activities out of the house.

Even so, the house is literally full to the brim of people you don't know, and two of those people are literally sleeping on the sofa whilst you lay in their bed 😂I'd be out of there!!

I would not find this a relaxing holiday in any way, shape, or form however well meaning your friend might be.

@Gladyys haha I will have to seek out the French version of mumsnet to be sure. :S

Maybe the person who did the inviting by text said something along the lines of 'the ILs have invited us to have their house between xx and xx. They've suggested we invite friends along. Xx will be there for 3 weeks with the kids. How long would you like to stay for?'

I can see how this could happen and also know people who would happily have a house full of families and give up their room to accommodate a new baby. OP, can you talk to your friend and say it makes you feel uneasy? It's just a miscommunication.

OP, I am confused isn’t it the son in law, not son?

OP The house is full to the rafters with another 4 guests coming on Friday.
How can you stay for a week knowing the in-laws in their 60's are sleeping on the sofa, they're being too polite to say the situation has been a mistake.
Sounds like you wanted a cheap holiday & you don't mind inconveniencing others.

The only reason I voted unreasonable is because they are sleeping in the living room, which you are using until late at night. So you are basically taking over their whole house (unintentionally). I think it’s fine to stay, but leave the living room at a reasonable time so they can have their space / sleep.

I would just double check with your friends that your not outstaying your welcome.

I would go home/hotel/a caravan like tomorrow before lunch time and make up an excuse,would not even bring up them sleeping on the sofa.

Omg. Find an air b n b and get them back into their room.

I hope you feel more settled knowing things are as the family planned. Enjoy their hospitality and be a gracious guest. They sound like my parents who enjoy hosting my friends and their families. Please don't leave. My parents would feel their idea of filling the house with guests was somehow beneath you or that their hospitality wasn't enough if you left early. Enjoy your time with them; they wouldn't have agreed to host if they didn't enjoy it.

She didn't just "rock up" and she didn't know the sleeping arrangements ffs

No it doesn't

This. I’d be mortified and insulted if we were the hosts.

But OP literally did rock up at the house of a stranger expecting a free holiday. It beggars belief really.

@Krakinou

There’s an old saying:
Guests, like fish, should be thrown out after three days.

Stay for 3 days, then say thank you very much, and leave. Don’t feel guilty, but don’t wear out your welcome.
THREE DAYS.