Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I really that stupid to deserve this?

162 replies

getmeoutofherenoww · 01/08/2023 22:48

Staying at in-laws and expected to help out, tidy up etc this is all normal.

I put my toddlers nappy (slightly wet) into a nappy bag into a Tesco bag and then took out and changed the food waste bin and put the bag into the Tesco bag, fully tied up on the kitchen floor, as I was about to leave to go out.

After getting the children's shoes on and what not me, dh and children went in the car.
When I got back I realised I was meant to take the bag out.

I grabbed it and walked to the bins and put it in the bin.

Well at dinner time FIL told dh "how did she forget to take the bag out and just left a dirty bag in the kitchen" and kept banging on about it
Dh then asked me why I forgot
I said light heartedly "oops pregnancy brain but when I got back I put it out, it was sealed, it was hardly a smelly nappy left out on the side"

Like I'm completely confused exactly why this was a big deal?
Am I in the wrong? Like I'm fully exasperated at this argument that's happened.

OP posts:
royalwatch · 02/08/2023 10:22

Oh dear. You're a terrible house guest: probably for the best if you dont go there anymore. It's awfully inconvenient for them 😉

Grannyknowsbest · 02/08/2023 10:29

If it bothered her so much.. why didn't she just take it out.
I would have and thought nothing of it.

MollysBrolly · 02/08/2023 10:31

What a stupid question Why did you forget.. I don't know why I just did

starfishmummy · 02/08/2023 10:38

I'd be tempted to leave and go home. Making sure that several little nappy parcels had been left dotted around when I left.

doingthehokeykokey · 02/08/2023 10:43

namechangealerttt · 02/08/2023 02:44

Ok, you changed the nappy. Why is the issue you forgot to put a bagged up nappy in the bin? Why isn't the issue no one else put it in the bin when they all saw it sitting there?

Exactly.

You FIL is a lazy cunt too.

billy1966 · 02/08/2023 10:47

LookItsMeAgain · 02/08/2023 08:18

I'd like to add to this that you need to book into a hotel now and actually remove the option of ever staying with them again.
Say to your DH "I'm genuinely shocked that you have just rolled over and not stood up for your wife here, your heavily pregnant wife at that. Have you lost the function of your legs and arms that you couldn't have removed your child's nappy and put it in the outside bin yourself? How about you FiL? It's your grandchild's nappy too. Couldn't you have sorted the issue out yourself without making a mountain from a molehill??? As for the language used to say "keep on top of her", well, I certainly don't want our daughter exposed to that level of misogyny and I'm leaving now to stay in X hotel where people are treated as guests and not housekeepers. DH - you can either stay with your father or come with your family. What is it to be?"

I think this could be a line in the sand moment and I think you need to stand up for yourself.

Best of luck with this.

Show quote history

I so agree with you.

So many women on MN seem to come to a crossroad in life like this in various scenarios.

One half suck it up and spend years bending themselves out of shape, loosing any bit of self respect they had for themselves in the process, while turning themselves into balls of seething resentment.

The other half press the nuclear button that causes such ructions that both husband and those that were rude to them are stunned.

The refuse to visit and tell their husbands they are 100% on their own when it comes to any sort of future contact.

After the penny drops that they will not be messed with, a respectful ceasefire is often called and mutual respect is established, as the alternative is extremely LC/NC becoming the norm.

Either way, these women do not live lives of quiet desperation among people they deeply dislike.

billy1966 · 02/08/2023 10:51

It cannot be overstated how damaging it is long term for your soul and mental health to be around toxic family.

It leaves people like shells of themselves.

I would be so wary of your husband OP.

He sounds like he is his father's son.

So unattractive.

rainbowstardrops · 02/08/2023 11:22

If FIL saw it bagged up on the kitchen floor, why the fuck didn't he just roll his eyes and shove it in the bin? No drama needed!
I'd have got up from the table after such disrespect from both your FIL and your DH and told them to go fuck themselves.
I'm gobsmacked that your DH asked why you'd left it there!!! What was he doing at the time?!

Peachy2005 · 02/08/2023 11:49

Your FIL is a psycho. Any normal person would see it and just take it out to the main bin themselves.

They are both very disrespectful blaming your pregnancy for forgetting something (and right in front of you) but making seemingly no effort to pitch in and help out with the kids.

It’s a no-brainer to never stay there again, but also make sure your DH doesn’t treat you like his Dad and if he does, pull him up on it every time.

Beenhereforever1978 · 02/08/2023 12:17

Put your FIL in the bin.

Talkingfrog · 02/08/2023 20:46

You and DH went in the car. Assuming DH was there and saw what was going on, what was stopping him from realising that the nappy hadn't been put in the bin and taking it. He is also a parent too, so is equally responsible for what needs to be done. He is also not having to multitask whilst pregnant.

LLM21 · 02/08/2023 21:06

You are just unfortunate to join the club of awful FIL's , they can be truly horrible and not even see it!

Wobblyheart · 02/08/2023 22:05

Peachy2005 · 02/08/2023 11:49

Your FIL is a psycho. Any normal person would see it and just take it out to the main bin themselves.

They are both very disrespectful blaming your pregnancy for forgetting something (and right in front of you) but making seemingly no effort to pitch in and help out with the kids.

It’s a no-brainer to never stay there again, but also make sure your DH doesn’t treat you like his Dad and if he does, pull him up on it every time.

whilst I mostly agree I wouldn’t be so judgemental about OP’s DH. He is probably misguided (with patents like that!) and it’s likely that he was stressed and did not behave as well as he could.

however this does not excuse his attitude and whilst I do not think that this incident means OPs DH is a bad person, he does need to be made aware that such attitude is out of order and treating your wife like that is just not acceptable. It’s rude and inconsiderate.

Totalwasteofpaper · 02/08/2023 22:13

LookItsMeAgain · 02/08/2023 08:18

I'd like to add to this that you need to book into a hotel now and actually remove the option of ever staying with them again.
Say to your DH "I'm genuinely shocked that you have just rolled over and not stood up for your wife here, your heavily pregnant wife at that. Have you lost the function of your legs and arms that you couldn't have removed your child's nappy and put it in the outside bin yourself? How about you FiL? It's your grandchild's nappy too. Couldn't you have sorted the issue out yourself without making a mountain from a molehill??? As for the language used to say "keep on top of her", well, I certainly don't want our daughter exposed to that level of misogyny and I'm leaving now to stay in X hotel where people are treated as guests and not housekeepers. DH - you can either stay with your father or come with your family. What is it to be?"

I think this could be a line in the sand moment and I think you need to stand up for yourself.

Best of luck with this.

Show quote history

Its already been quoted but 100% this.

I had a similar situation and didnt get up and leave when i really should have. I was so shocked and blindsided. Luckily (?) Something smaller then happened straight after within 2 weeks) and i went nuclear.
I have not been back and stayed at my inlaws in 4 fantastic years. My relationship has long term radically improved as they know they cant fuck with me or my boundaries.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 02/08/2023 22:35

I can imagine the thought process of someone like this FIL.

If he takes the bag out to the bin, it sets a precedent. The OP will get the message that FIL is her skivvy, doing her dirty work for her.

‘Give ‘em an inch and they take a mile’ mentality. No siree, would he want to risk that happening!

TommyJoesMummy · 03/08/2023 04:41

I think what you did to your FIL was very mean OP.
Making him a bin bag friend to accompany him whilst you were all out, and then chucking it away just as they’d completely bonded! 😆
Obviously you can never truly replace the original one, but may be you could have a crack at it?

red78hot · 03/08/2023 06:06

Your FIL would have a field day with me and the things I forget to do Inc taking nappies outside. I forget all sorts, pre pregnancy, during pregnancy and now a year later! He needs to get a life. I'd be tempted to reply "it's must be wonderful being so perfect!"

PansyP · 03/08/2023 11:51

Your FIL sounds like my ExFIL. A thoughtless prick who has no idea that any one elses brain functions differently to his, and thinks nothing to shaming people for practically anything.

CalMeKate · 03/08/2023 12:05

A normal response to finding a bin that needed to be put out is to pick it up and put it out. What a ridiculous non problem.

Stay in hotels or airbnbs from now on. Life is too short for such misogynistic comments. You don’t want your children to hear any of that!

SnozPoz · 03/08/2023 18:27

Your FIL is a monumental dick and if it was bothering him so much should have put the bag out himself. Your husband should have stood up for you and you should consider leaving. Sounds like you are no longer welcome. Having said all that I had a friend stay for a while with me with a toddler and the smell of their nappies made me want to hurl, even bagged up. She couldn't smell it, so didn't think much of leaving a nappy at the side waiting to be thrown out.

Missingpop · 03/08/2023 18:35

Tbf the old codger sounds a bit of a whinged; does he have any serious back issues; because the daft old sod could have done the gentlemanly thing & picked it up & taken it out himself instead of being a miserable old fart😂😂😂

BustyLaRoux · 03/08/2023 19:14

Yeah the FIL is being a dick. We used to go on big family holidays with my now exDH and his brothers and my PILs. I am a tidy person and my lovely SIL is super messy. I have to admit I did find the clothes and shoes left all over the house a bit irritating. The dirty nappy in a nappy bag left on the dining table all afternoon was a bit grim. But I put it in the bin and said nothing (and of course moaned to my DH privately later that night). But I loved her and despite her messiness really annoying me I chose to be British and say nothing as we were having a nice time and I wouldn’t dream of complaining and spoiling the atmosphere. Your FIL was a dick to mention it. No you shouldn’t have left it there. But jeez it really isn’t worth mentioning and certainly not arguing about!

MysteryBelle · 03/08/2023 19:48

getmeoutofherenoww · 01/08/2023 23:09

If this is going to be my dh in 20 years then I don't want him tbh.

They started arguing because dh said oh she's pregnant she forgot so he said okay so then keep on top of her and you should have moved it

And I felt like I was in a different world watching a heated discussion about forgetting to take a bag outside

Show quote history

Your fil is rude and a buffoon. He should be supportive of you, instead it is clear he had contempt for you before you accidentally left trash bag in kitchen for a short amount of time.

I think your husband should pack up and take all of you home away from his foolish father.

MysteryBelle · 03/08/2023 19:50

BustyLaRoux · 03/08/2023 19:14

Yeah the FIL is being a dick. We used to go on big family holidays with my now exDH and his brothers and my PILs. I am a tidy person and my lovely SIL is super messy. I have to admit I did find the clothes and shoes left all over the house a bit irritating. The dirty nappy in a nappy bag left on the dining table all afternoon was a bit grim. But I put it in the bin and said nothing (and of course moaned to my DH privately later that night). But I loved her and despite her messiness really annoying me I chose to be British and say nothing as we were having a nice time and I wouldn’t dream of complaining and spoiling the atmosphere. Your FIL was a dick to mention it. No you shouldn’t have left it there. But jeez it really isn’t worth mentioning and certainly not arguing about!

This is the way to do it. Op, your fil has no grace whatsoever.

MysteryBelle · 03/08/2023 19:52

so then keep on top of her

😡🤬