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Original poster

Was I really that stupid to deserve this?

162 replies

getmeoutofherenoww · 01/08/2023 22:48

Staying at in-laws and expected to help out, tidy up etc this is all normal.

I put my toddlers nappy (slightly wet) into a nappy bag into a Tesco bag and then took out and changed the food waste bin and put the bag into the Tesco bag, fully tied up on the kitchen floor, as I was about to leave to go out.

After getting the children's shoes on and what not me, dh and children went in the car.
When I got back I realised I was meant to take the bag out.

I grabbed it and walked to the bins and put it in the bin.

Well at dinner time FIL told dh "how did she forget to take the bag out and just left a dirty bag in the kitchen" and kept banging on about it
Dh then asked me why I forgot
I said light heartedly "oops pregnancy brain but when I got back I put it out, it was sealed, it was hardly a smelly nappy left out on the side"

Like I'm completely confused exactly why this was a big deal?
Am I in the wrong? Like I'm fully exasperated at this argument that's happened.

OP posts:
CarnelianArtist · 02/08/2023 08:43

No. You made a small mistake as people do.

My mil would say thanks for your help, its so kind if you. And then chuckle.

Really they don't sound kind.

Alopeciabop · 02/08/2023 08:43

Make a MASSIVE fuss about this. Do NOT let your OH think this is acceptable and that you’re going to put up with it. Have you come from an abusive/gaslighty situation in the past (or with your OH?) because honestly your reaction is to doubt yourself and question your sanity? And that’s not great.

I would refuse to take the bin out. Point blank refuse to help out “in case you get told off” and tell your man you will not be made to feel like an idiot. He should be defending you. Especially pregnant. Not referring to you as sheee and herrrr.

if his parents or dad is always like this I do get it because I’m from that kind of family where there’s lots of irrationality and it does wear you do down as a child knowing there’s now way to get them to be reasonable. But he should be able to say toy you “yes they’re annoying and can be mean but theyre never going to change I’m sorry” …if he defends them be very wary

TheGoogleMum · 02/08/2023 08:50

Sounds to me like DH and FIL could do with changing nappies sometimes.
It is easy to forget when distracted, they are obviously not busy enough to know what that's like! Next time insist on doing just1 thing and tell others around what else needs doing. Say you won't be blamed for things being forgotten you aren't the only person responsible for the kids

nomdegrrr1 · 02/08/2023 08:55

It's not about the bag.

It's about finding a stick to beat you with. If it wasn't the bag then it would be something else. Eg there's always complaints if you stay with them but they kick up a fuss if you want to go to a hotel. It's not about where you stay, it's about making a fuss about it.

Good luck.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 02/08/2023 08:59

getmeoutofherenoww · 01/08/2023 23:17

He told him

"So tell her that it's been bothering you all day I don't know why you're berating me about it"

Show quote history

I think I’d be concerned about your DH probably.

He should have shut it down immediately saying it was a mistake that you rectified straight away.
It’s a nappy FFS not a bloody gun.

ihadamarveloustime · 02/08/2023 09:03

*I'd like to add to this that you need to book into a hotel now and actually remove the option of ever staying with them again.
Say to your DH "I'm genuinely shocked that you have just rolled over and not stood up for your wife here, your heavily pregnant wife at that. Have you lost the function of your legs and arms that you couldn't have removed your child's nappy and put it in the outside bin yourself? How about you FiL? It's your grandchild's nappy too. Couldn't you have sorted the issue out yourself without making a mountain from a molehill??? As for the language used to say "keep on top of her", well, I certainly don't want our daughter exposed to that level of misogyny and I'm leaving now to stay in X hotel where people are treated as guests and not housekeepers. DH - you can either stay with your father or come with your family. What is it to be?"

I think this could be a line in the sand moment and I think you need to stand up for yourself.

Completely agree with all of this. It is a line in the sand, because there's otherwise always going to be something your misogynistic lazy FIL is going to want to beat you over the head with, and your DH had his back, not yours.

Brefugee · 02/08/2023 09:04

getmeoutofherenoww · 02/08/2023 00:39

Exactly!

Yet when we get hotels we get made to feel like shit

Can't win no matter what

Show quote history

TBH I'd go back to the Hotel option and if FIL gets shirty say "well, you should be glad i won't be leaving dirty nappies all over the place. We're only thinking of you"

Twyford · 02/08/2023 09:10

getmeoutofherenoww · 02/08/2023 00:39

Exactly!

Yet when we get hotels we get made to feel like shit

Can't win no matter what

Show quote history

Next time they tell you off for staying in a hotel, explain that it's incidents like this that cause you to do so.

Twyford · 02/08/2023 09:15

Well at dinner time FIL told dh "how did she forget to take the bag out and just left a dirty bag in the kitchen" and kept banging on about it

Did anyone ask him why he couldn't ask you direct? I'd find it really weird having people talking about me as if I wasn't in the room.

UserRose · 02/08/2023 09:16

Indigotree · 01/08/2023 23:47

So FIL saw the Tesco bag there on the floor after you left and just left it there all day on purpose so he could moan about it to get at you later?!

how petty my god

Fraaahnces · 02/08/2023 09:24

“I think all of us staying is too intrusive for you FIL. I’ve booked a hotel so that you are not bothered by trivial things like a bag on the floor. It’s not good for you at your age.”

AppleCinnamonBagel · 02/08/2023 09:25

Christ even my ex would've reminded him that I had a name, to address me directly with a question and asked him why he didn't just put it in the bin when he saw it and why make such a fuss!

And he was the king of passive aggressive accusations. 🙄

Brefugee · 02/08/2023 09:27

not sure about my inLaws but if I'd forgotten to take rubbish out my DH would have done it if he'd seen it (he'd probably have been the one changing the nappy, tbh and done it himself if i'd been heavily pregnant)
Or my mum or dad would have disposed of it. And then they'd have found a way to check i was ok, not overwhelmed and so on. Without talking over me or about me as though i was wearing the Cloak of Invisiblity.

Isitreallythough · 02/08/2023 09:32

Got to wonder why FIL didn’t just take the bag out. Easily done and unkind to make anything of it!

AugustFreeze · 02/08/2023 09:33

*Yet when we get hotels we get made to feel like shit

Can't win no matter what*

Been there, got the T shirt.

Let me save you 30 years of (my) misery.

You are damned if you do, damned if you don't, so don't.

Let your DH deal with them. Don't do anything for them, no wifey work, no facilitating anything.

I would have told FIL, "It seems that we are causing upset and offence here, so I think it is best if from now on we just stay in a hotel when we visit, and you stay in a hotel when you come down to ours. That way, EVERYONE is happy and can have a nice time with out treading on eggshells all the time".

Personally as a mother to sons I would have just taken the bag out, and helped my DIL out as I am a mother myself with no help. I just don't understand why people go out of their way to make their DIL's lives, and in turn, their own sons, and their DGC's lives more difficult and stressful. They should be supporting.

Why conclusion is that people who treat their DIL's and their SIL's like this are as thick as shit. They haven't thought through the consequences of their actions, which is, that they themselves lose out. I know that my MIL definitely isn't cognitively able to think through her own behaviour and wonders why no one likes her.

Katey83 · 02/08/2023 09:35

Just say ‘you are making it very difficult to be a guest in your home, we are fine not to stay again but I can’t love with this level of scrutiny over a nappy.’

stayathomer · 02/08/2023 09:37

No not that big a deal op! Unless there was a crazy smell or their dog tried to get it or something in which case they should have put it out to the bin anyway!! People can be so petty!!

caringcarer · 02/08/2023 09:38

Sherrystrull · 01/08/2023 22:57

Tell DH and FIL you clearly can't be relied upon to complete menial tasks correctly so they will need to take charge of them.

Where was your DH while you were doing nappies, shoes and bins?

😂😂

diddl · 02/08/2023 10:02

Made to feel shit if you stay, made to feel shit if you don't-what's the point?

Daffodilsandtuplips · 02/08/2023 10:03

Er, FIL, I don’t need to be kept ‘on top of’. DH isn’t my boss, thank you very much.

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 02/08/2023 10:10

If it bothered fil so much, why didn't he take it out himself?

He sounds vile. And your dh's behaviour is not promising either.

IsItThough · 02/08/2023 10:11

Why didn't your FIL just put it in the bin? Weird.

IsItThough · 02/08/2023 10:14

You were emptying their bin.

TBH fuck "expected to jobs when there". When you go, be a guest - I bet they are at yours. DH can scurry about. And tell him you don't expect to be spoken to that by your family. Whole big world of no.

Rtc12 · 02/08/2023 10:16

Why couldn't your FIL just put it in the bin?!

Flipin · 02/08/2023 10:19

Indigotree · 01/08/2023 23:47

So FIL saw the Tesco bag there on the floor after you left and just left it there all day on purpose so he could moan about it to get at you later?!

This. My SIL and BIL would just bung nappy bags by the back door instead of going the extra three meters to put it in the bin. BUT instead of creating a big to do about it if just take them out myself. Honestly, it's not worth the agro to make a big deal about it. It's not going to be forever

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