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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I really that stupid to deserve this?

162 replies

getmeoutofherenoww · 01/08/2023 22:48

Staying at in-laws and expected to help out, tidy up etc this is all normal.

I put my toddlers nappy (slightly wet) into a nappy bag into a Tesco bag and then took out and changed the food waste bin and put the bag into the Tesco bag, fully tied up on the kitchen floor, as I was about to leave to go out.

After getting the children's shoes on and what not me, dh and children went in the car.
When I got back I realised I was meant to take the bag out.

I grabbed it and walked to the bins and put it in the bin.

Well at dinner time FIL told dh "how did she forget to take the bag out and just left a dirty bag in the kitchen" and kept banging on about it
Dh then asked me why I forgot
I said light heartedly "oops pregnancy brain but when I got back I put it out, it was sealed, it was hardly a smelly nappy left out on the side"

Like I'm completely confused exactly why this was a big deal?
Am I in the wrong? Like I'm fully exasperated at this argument that's happened.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 02/08/2023 07:28

OP, your FIL is an arsehole and your husband needs to shape up.

I wouldn't stay with him again and I would be seriously considering telling your husband visit with the children on his own.

I have zero tolerance for rude petty bullshit and this really is an example of that.

Make a BIG deal out of it with your husband privately and let him know you will not tolerate such rudeness.

Another word out of your FIL, pack up and head home.

Life is just too short and people like your FIL add nothing to it.

HoppingPavlova · 02/08/2023 07:35

I said light heartedly "oops pregnancy brain but when I got back I put it out, it was sealed, it was hardly a smelly nappy left out on the side"

They started arguing because dh said oh she's pregnant she forgot

I find these things the most disturbing of the whole drama. You forgot, because you were busy multitasking and, also, multitasking or not, as humans we all forget things sometimes. Why the pair of you are so keen to throw women under the bus is beyond me, it just works to perpetuate the message that pregnant women can’t be trusted to do anything right, and that’s okay as it’s just the way it is, which is complete bunk.

missingeu · 02/08/2023 07:36

I'd be going home and not visiting again - which solves the hotel problem as well.

I would simply say to DH until FIL can treat me with respect, I am not engaging. My DH did this to my parents and I fully supported him, told my parents why.

BlastedIce · 02/08/2023 07:36

I’d be leaving this morning, otherwise you’ll blow up and then be deemed “irrational”, a really stupid question, was why did you forget.. how can you answer that?

LilyPark · 02/08/2023 07:39

Ask your idiot father in law if he would like to see his new grandchild and tell him he'd better shut the fuck up in future or he won't. What an arse.

LilyPark · 02/08/2023 07:41

Or for a more dramatic effect leave the next wet nappy on his pillow Godfather style. That would be fun!

hiding5675687 · 02/08/2023 07:48

my MIL and SIL (who lives with them in her 40s and has her nose in everybody’s business) would probably have held a family meeting about it and followed up with unpleasant WhatsApp messages. We haven’t visited for several years. Not no contact as I do not want a family rift, but I avoid visiting.

billy1966 · 02/08/2023 07:53

"Keep on top of her"?

That your husband would accept you being spoken about in such a way tells its own story.

Not normal at all.

Can't imagine he's any prize either.

Sparkletastic · 02/08/2023 07:55

I'd be going home today if I were you and never staying there again.

Defiantjazz · 02/08/2023 07:58

Well at dinner time FIL told dh "how did she forget to take the bag out and just left a dirty bag in the kitchen" and kept banging on about it

Gosh, that’s no way to speak to someone when your a guest in their home

Couldn't he of put it in the bin himself if he was that bothered?

HardieHa · 02/08/2023 07:59

"Oh so you did notice it was there! Sorry I forgot, didn't realise you were incapable of doing such a simple thing as putting the rubbish out though. Thank goodness I'm here!"

TahiniG · 02/08/2023 08:01

Your in-laws (well at least FIL but it sounds like MIL didn't disagree with him) sound rude & controlling with an undercurrent of quite nasty.

It's such a non-issue that your FIL has used to make into a drama. Most other people would simply have noticed that a job needed to be finished and done it without barely registering let alone mention it - not gone on a big drama-filled blame-hunting humph & tut tirade. What an absolute dick of a man.

They are lucky that you take the time to visit them at all with this attitude they are showing. Stop caring that they find it disrespectful if you stay in a hotel.

Barbaquequeen · 02/08/2023 08:04

I would bet anything your fil has very strong views about women and sees them as inferior, there to serve. I bet he wouldn’t have pulled that crap on your husband. Sounds like a grade A W***

Defiantjazz · 02/08/2023 08:10

I mean FIL left the bag in the kitchen too. At least you forgot, he just ignored it.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 02/08/2023 08:15

I hope op is packing up now... Spell out to dh why you are never seeing them again. Imagine having your dc around that man? No thanks.

LookItsMeAgain · 02/08/2023 08:18

Canisaysomething · 01/08/2023 23:59

I would be tempted to say to FIL in front of DH when you leave "this nappy incident has made me feel incredibly uncomfortable and unwelcome in your home, would you rather apologise for chastising me or would you rather I simply don't visit again?". And just stare him straight in the eye.

He's a rude bully.

I'd like to add to this that you need to book into a hotel now and actually remove the option of ever staying with them again.
Say to your DH "I'm genuinely shocked that you have just rolled over and not stood up for your wife here, your heavily pregnant wife at that. Have you lost the function of your legs and arms that you couldn't have removed your child's nappy and put it in the outside bin yourself? How about you FiL? It's your grandchild's nappy too. Couldn't you have sorted the issue out yourself without making a mountain from a molehill??? As for the language used to say "keep on top of her", well, I certainly don't want our daughter exposed to that level of misogyny and I'm leaving now to stay in X hotel where people are treated as guests and not housekeepers. DH - you can either stay with your father or come with your family. What is it to be?"

I think this could be a line in the sand moment and I think you need to stand up for yourself.

Best of luck with this.

user1492757084 · 02/08/2023 08:31

Staying at inlaws is taking it's toll on the FIL.
He is ready for his quiet life back.

He is old and has lost flexibility.
Don't take it to heart.
Stay else where if you can in future or limit your stay to one or two nights..

Calmdown14 · 02/08/2023 08:32

To try and give the other side, your in-laws came back to find a dirty nappy sitting in the middle of the kitchen.

I appreciate how easy it was for it to happen but I think when you are in nappy stage you get a bit immune to them (especially pee as they seal pretty well).

But they don't know what's in it. It just appears dirty. It's like dog owners merrily swinging a poo bag seems pretty grim before you have a dog.

They have forgotten what family life is like and the mess and chaos it beings. I don't doubt you are tidy and considerate but even so, adding a family with a small child to your home will feel like a tornado has passed through it.

He doesn't need to keep going on about it but I can see why he was a bit out out to find it sitting in the middle of his kitchen.

itsmyp4rty · 02/08/2023 08:32

Accept he's an asshole and that you can do nothing about it. Let DH visit if he wants while you 'disrespectfully' stay at home in future.

Demolishthecreamcake · 02/08/2023 08:35

Probably missing the point but I wouldn't be happy if someone left a bag of shit in my kitchen! But I would just lift it up and put it in the bin.

He clearly has an issue with you, stop staying there.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 02/08/2023 08:36

Sorry I would bring it up with FIL. Then never stay there again.

CrotchetyQuaver · 02/08/2023 08:40

At this point I'd be packing up to go home, with or without my husband. Never to go back ever again

Hibiscrubbed · 02/08/2023 08:40

”Wow. I was distracted doing everything and left a sealed, wet nappy on the side, and that it ruined your day? Best I don’t come next time then.”

Hibiscrubbed · 02/08/2023 08:41

Demolishthecreamcake · 02/08/2023 08:35

Probably missing the point but I wouldn't be happy if someone left a bag of shit in my kitchen! But I would just lift it up and put it in the bin.

He clearly has an issue with you, stop staying there.

Good job she didn’t then. It was ‘slightly wet’ and sealed in bags.

Calmdown14 · 02/08/2023 08:42

@user1492757084 glad to see someone else who doesn't think this is worth a massive family rift.

You don't need to stay again, it's clearly too much for everyone, but don't brood on this and blow it up into a massive issue. He was rude, you were forgetful (and probably in his eyes a little disrespectful).

There's a reason you should have children young. It becomes too much quickly. My mum is brilliant but when we go home says she needs a rest and her house back. I know he is the one that wanted you to stay but reality is often different to the image we have in our minds.

He's your husband's dad. For his sake l, move on and be the bigger person.