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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that SAHM's with school-age children are in fact just stay at home people?

321 replies

Pissyflaps · 27/02/2008 10:40

I'm going to get flamed backwards for this, but I really don't care. I'm also going to be accused of all manner of trollery, bite me.

It's my opinion, I want yours - so, SAHM's who's children are at school-all day, aren't they just stay at home people? Not a lot of parenting goes on as far as I can tell.

OP posts:

soph28 · 27/02/2008 22:05

Ok I have read the first 3 pages of this thread and last 2 and think I agree with what most of you are saying but thought I would contribute!

Like many of you I CAN'T WAIT till all mine are at school. I will shortly have 3 under 3 (well one will be 3 and 1 month) and am a SAHM. ATM this involves looking after the children, making sure they are fed and clean, supermarket shopping, keeping on top of dishes and laundry, making sure we do some fun stuff and that's about it!

I DO NOT have the time or energy to always have delicious home cooked meals for me and dh in the evening
to regularly clean the house properly
to do any exercise or other hobbies that I enjoy
to go out in the evening much
do gardening or DIY
to shave my legs, go for haircuts etc (obviously I do but much less often than I should!)
etc. etc.

I am hoping that once the kids are at school I will be able to do this stuff!
I especially think I deserve some free time to get fit and take care of myself and try and become yummier!

Also DH works late most nights and I don't want my children to have to go to after school clubs and childminders and holiday play schemes etc. I want to be there, help them with their homework, provide them and their friends with homebaking and just enjoy the time I have with them. That's my choice and I don't think anyone else should have a problem with it. I have a degree and used to have a great job which I loved, but I love being a mum, it's what I've always wanted and I'm old fashioned at heart

MrsDanvers · 27/02/2008 22:05

Pissy, it's pretty obvious your misogynistic name and rantings are because you have issues with your own dear mummy. You need to start talking to her, not us.

bozza · 28/02/2008 09:08

Niecie I would have thought that tesco assistants were making a worthwhile contribution to society actually. Funnily enough you needed them to pay for your shopping.

Niecie · 28/02/2008 11:36

Bozza - it is a circular argument and shows why the SAHM/WOHM argument is so pointless. They need me as they wouldn't have a job without customers. I need them to fill the shelves. They need me to pay their wages. It is a symbiotic relationship.

I was merely making the point that just because you have a job you aren't necessarily working nor are you necessarily working any harder than me who was rushing round the shop before doing the nursery pick-up and all the other stuff I have to fit in during the day.

Labels are a pita. Necessary for a short hand (who wants a list of everything I do when people ask what I do) but, as these threads always show, just an excuse to create stereotypes with which to beat each other over the head.

McDreamy · 28/02/2008 11:39

ooooh I can't wait until I graduate to a stay at home person I've got about 2 years

Kimi · 28/02/2008 12:00

I never could work out why the SAHM/WOHM thing is such a big deal?

Some people need/want to work after having the children some want to raise the children rather then go to work to pay someone else to do it.

I have only ever worked part time since having my children and at the moment I am not working, I do not claim benefits, I do not sit drinking tea and eating bon bons all day.

Surly it is (most of the time) personal choice.

Neither is the better parent, they are just parents.

Our children have seen Daddy go to work everyday, and Mummy be there for them.

Also I am sure the stay at home "people" with children in school love all the time they have to clean the house, do the shopping,take the children to/from school/dentist/Drs/hospitals/after school clubs etc.

Its not like you don't parent just because the children are at school for 6 hours.

Jacanne · 28/02/2008 12:22

Not sure the OP deserves an answer but I was discussing this with my friend - we're both teachers and have one school age and one approaching and were discussing returning to work. The problems is that even as teachers we would need to find child care from at least 8am until school starts and then from 3.15 until about 4.30-5.00 pm. Now I could put dd in breakfast club at 8am and then after school club to cover that time but I actually don't agree with this for my child. She comes home from school knackered, all she wants is a cuddle and some TV, I have to shake her out of bed at 7.45 so she would find breakfast club hard. So I think that for us, any work that doesn't take place between 10 and 2-ish would be nigh on impossible.

Jacanne · 28/02/2008 12:23

Also why do you give a fuck about what anyone else does - absolutely none of your business - you definitely have no right to be judgemental.

loopylou6 · 28/02/2008 12:36

threads like this annoy me immensley, what the feck has it got to do with the OP or anyone for that matter wether a parent decides to stay home or work, do u get some level of smugness by asking questions like this, do u think your better because u work and others dont? it really isnt none of your business, u just look after yourself and your own and to hell with what anyone else is doing

MadamePlatypus · 28/02/2008 12:39

Pissyflaps, I am quite curious about your background. I might have shared your viewpoint before children, or perhaps with a little tiny baby. However, now that DS is approaching school age and I have DD and I have met a few mums with older children, the penny has indeed dropped and I can see that in many ways it is infact much harder to combine school and work than baby/toddler in childcare and work.

You are curious about SAHM's and have started a thread which you know will be controversial. I think it is fair for others to be curious about you.

loopylou6 · 28/02/2008 12:43

she is obviously attention seeking

Blueskythinker · 28/02/2008 13:14

Finally felt the need to come on this thread, I can't believe it is still going, and 'pissyflaps'? Nice name, is obviously a troll.

Our life, our decisions. Surely the only ones who need to be consulted about our decision on whether to work or not, are our partners?

Why are we all justifying ourselves to the troll?

Bobbiewickham · 28/02/2008 13:23

Pissyflaps is a dad who is pissed off with his job and had a row with his dw this morning.

"Pissyflaps" is the "jokey" nickname he has for her among his friends.

Perhaps his "lucky" dw is a mumsnetter and he is hoping to get his point home without having an iron thrown at his head.

The big girl's blouse

captainmummy · 28/02/2008 15:58

Yup - either a dad with no idea at all or a girl with no kids and therefore no idea at all.

Nothing to do with sahm's

chelsygirl · 28/02/2008 16:12

horrible name op

totalmisfit · 28/02/2008 16:26

o/p assumes wrongly that all parenting is conducted in the immediate proximity of the children involved. what about the endless organisation and planning which goes on for most parents in the few precious hours when the kids are at school? say you don't drive and your kids are at a school half an hour's walk away, leaving aside everything you have to do before leaving the house to take them there, you're back home at say, 10 am, or 11 if you've had to do some of the essential shopping which won't buy itself. then there's x amount of washing up and floor scraping to remove weetabix and other breakfast grime. that'll take you till perhaps midday. then a quick snack grabbed takes you up till 12.10. then, oh shit i'd better put the washing on as no one has anything to wear, and oh god everything from the last wash needs folding and/or ironing so the kids don't look like urchins tomorrow, and jeez my mum's getting more forgetful and infirm by the day, i'd better leave early for the school run so i can drop in on her and make sure she hasn't burned the house down. shit, it's 1pm already...etc etc and that's a day where you don't have to spend 2 hours trying to get through to bt/british gas/whoever to find out why the hell they've cut you off, and no-one's been throwing up at school or had their lunch stolen or any number of little things htat eat up each day.

dull but true.

cybermonkey · 28/02/2008 17:35

not done much posting on MN but this thread has got me thinking, I personally am a mum who coincidentaly stays home, so i have been given the label SAHM - i prefer the term mum or housewife - but then I am no good at the house stuff much prefer MN, these terms have been fine for generations but we have been labelled and i personally do not like it. This thread just shows the negativity the term causes.
I think we should climb to the top of the local soft play centres and demand a change......

Not relevant to the OP. but nevermind

emmy1979 · 28/02/2008 18:19

This is pretty interesting as the whole women returning to work after having kids is a very topical news item. Apparently we take a massive career / wage dive after maternity anyway so who can blame SAHM? I'm on mat leave debating whether to return, I have a schoolie and a baby. Some days it feels like I should be getting paid a whole lot more for looking after my kids 24/7 than I did teaching the little blighters at school. If they were both at school I'd be happy in the knowledge that I can get the day to day domestic crap out of the way and then take care of them & give them attention after. When I was a working mum I did worry that I was being stretched too far. I see loads of kids who want for nothing materially but I wonder at the level of their care and how well they are looked after. If a working mum has struck that balance and her kids are happy and she's happy then she's struck gold IMO but I don't know how realistic it is to expect that of myself. Is that what society (and the OP) expect of mother's today?

scottishmum007 · 28/02/2008 20:13

this is quite an interesting topic. I've tried the working mummy thing, it lasted 2 months! So I decided to be a SAHM and raise my boy who is under 1 year old atm.
I do intend to work when he is at school - intend being the operative word! It's not alway s easy to know what's infront of you childcare wise, some of us are better suited to being at home raising the kids, others prefer to get out there and work. each to their own.
i agree with another poster here, there's alot that goes on behinds the scenes when the kids are at school. being a mummy requires a hefty amount of organisation and forward planning.
if you can afford to raise your kids yourself at home, go for it!don't be made to feel guilty for this!

squilly · 29/02/2008 10:20

OP is either a troll or a dickhead. Curious about peoples choices indeed...curious about how much crap she can stir is more like it.

williamsmummy · 29/02/2008 16:12

I am a stay at home mother, I have four kids, and a part time job, as a MSA at the school.
Its fun,pays peanuts, but still am off work due to the kids.
This year alone I have been ill with a chest infection, 2nd son ill with v&d, then 1st son, toncilitus (excuse sp) and huge glands up on this throat.
he could hardly bend his neck, well nasty.
and now, although working am spending time looking after hubby after knee op.

this is the first time I have had a sustained period without a part time job ( more taxing than MSA!)
after juggling four kids, home, jobs, am totally burned out.

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