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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked that a man in his mid-twenties does not work for a living?

611 replies

queenofsheep · 01/08/2023 16:48

DD's boyfriend, older than DD by a year, does not work. He got his degree, now lives off rental income and an allowance through a family trust fund. AIBU to be shocked that there are men/boys in their twenties who are allowed to do this?

He and DD seem happy. DD isn't concerned at all. He insists that it is work because he has to manage his houses. He and DD go on nice holidays and attend parties.

OP posts:
Pipsquiggle · 01/08/2023 18:19

@queenofsheep

What do you think 'real work' is?

You sound like relatives who thought anyone that didn't work 'down pit' didn't really work at all.

Fortunately my mother didn't believe such nonsense and married my father - a solicitor

humblesims · 01/08/2023 18:19

Well, if you've ever had a real job and had to get bossed around by your superiors and colleagues, I think he's taken the easy way out in comparison

What an odd comment. Who wouldnt take the easy way out given the option?* *

ALevelDisaster · 01/08/2023 18:20

This is the life many would like. Not everyone is a slave to mammon.

The only person I’m acquainted with who has a lifestyle like this is the most money-obsessed I know. I have no idea whether the chap described in this thread is anything like that, but I don’t tend to associate property portfolios with the simple non-materialistic life.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 01/08/2023 18:20

Who would choose to work if they had a large income? If he has a number of properties then you could say he's a professional landlord which is a profession.

Lucky him

Askil · 01/08/2023 18:21

OP is one of those people who see virtue in suffering, so not doing the hard graft as we know it (i.e long gruelling hours doing something you half loathe, strict rules and a boss looming over you) which equals 'work', indicates a moral failing in OP's eyes.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 01/08/2023 18:22

queenofsheep · 01/08/2023 18:05

Well, if you've ever had a real job and had to get bossed around by your superiors and colleagues, I think he's taken the easy way out in comparison...

Show quote history

"Allowed"? "Easy way out"? "real job"? "bossed around by your superiors and colleagues"? Wow!!

I can't quite believe you think someone should experience bullying in the work place. That's an utterly abhorrent attitude.

If he earns rental income, then he is actually classed as self-employed. Is that ok with you? Or does someone have to submit themselves to an employer and be bullied at work to be good enough to date your daughter?

I honestly cannot get over your attitude! The guy is earning money. He's not reliant on a 9-5 job to pay his way. Good for him I say. I'd actually rather my daughter date someone who can earn their own income rather than someone who relies on employment.

You sound jealous and close-minded.

TheMarzipanDildo · 01/08/2023 18:23

TonTonMacoute · 01/08/2023 17:25

Unless you want to go and work for a hedge fund or some other despised City job it's surprisingly hard for young middle class white men to get jobs these days - especially if you went to a public school.

A friend of my son is in the position, he's a quiet sensitive sort who is interested in literature and publishing. He has applied for hundreds of jobs over the last two years and has had one interview. He's been working as an unpaid intern during that time and has finally thought sod this.

He has an inheritance and frankly has some pretty high expectations for the future, so is going to make his own career somehow. I don't blame him.

That would be because publishing is incredibly competitive, rather than because he’s a young middle class white public school boy though surely? More competitive now that people other than white middle class privately educated lads are getting the requisite qualifications I suppose.

And I have never put my school on a CV!

Mischance · 01/08/2023 18:24

Well he could be bashing old ladies over the head, fiddling his tax, or whatever. It sounds as though he is leading a law-abiding life managing his properties. Or do you think he is being a bad landlord in some way?

bluebeck · 01/08/2023 18:25

OP sounds very like my own narc mother when she found out my boyfriend was incredibly wealthy. She was incandescent with rage. She just couldn’t stand the thought of me living happily ever after in luxury.

I appreciate that those of you with broadly normal parents won’t understand this. Most of us would be really happy to think our DD would have no financial problems.

For people like my mother and OP, it’s ENRAGING.

TenderDandelions · 01/08/2023 18:25

queenofsheep · 01/08/2023 18:05

Well, if you've ever had a real job and had to get bossed around by your superiors and colleagues, I think he's taken the easy way out in comparison...

Show quote history

But if he had a job like that but had a family trust fund he'd be told he's being unfair and "taking a job away from someone that needs it".

He can't win.

This sounds very much like jealousy and/or inverted snobbery.

I'd be more interested in what his family is like and his attitude towards the money. i.e. does he have a supportive family that have taught him how to live sensibly so that he's set for life, or is he likely to have blown through his Trust Fund by the time he's 30?

The first version of the boyfriend I'd be happy my DD was with. The second would concern me a lot more and would be pointing out that while it's nice now, it might not last forever.

Lessonsinbiology · 01/08/2023 18:26

Your user name suggests that you like to conform. Is being a singer, racing driver, athlete, artist not having a real job. Jobs come in all shapes and sizes. You just need an income to live. What are you worried about?

JasicaRose · 01/08/2023 18:26

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 01/08/2023 18:26

Yeah I don’t think this is anything to do with the man himself.

This is OPs uncontrollable jealousy of her DD

Blossomtoes · 01/08/2023 18:27

Most of us would be really happy to think our DD would have no financial problems.

This. Don’t most of us advise our daughters to look for a man who’s solvent?

ImNotReallySpartacus · 01/08/2023 18:27

queenofsheep · 01/08/2023 18:02

Because my own parents stopped paying for my nights out once I got my first job at 16. I had to pay for my own leisure.

Show quote history

It's not obligatory to resent anyone who has anything you didn't have.

Sallyh87 · 01/08/2023 18:29

He is financially solvent, not relying on your daughter or anything.

Why do you care? You sound bitter.

LolaSmiles · 01/08/2023 18:29

If he is managing a property portfolio and investments and is able to live in a way that makes him happy, it's nothing to do with you.

I'd be concerned if he's not thought about the future and was burning through money like there's no tomorrow, but that's also not your problem.

kingtamponthefurred · 01/08/2023 18:30

Looking forward to your daughter's thread....

SD1978 · 01/08/2023 18:30

So your objection is he has a good passive income stream, inherited wealth, and has never had a shitty job he's been shouted at for doing......right then.

Frogmila · 01/08/2023 18:31

What an odd thread! Sounds like he has is self employed or part of a family business and has some private income. He also has a degree. He may have had it easier than you but that doesn't necessarily make him a lazy wastrel.

I don't understand your argument that he should not be 'allowed' this as it doesn't involve shitty working relationships. It may well do if he has to msnage tenant or contractor issues.

Would it be different to you if he was employed by another person as a property manager?

moleeye · 01/08/2023 18:31

Green eyed monster methinks

Maiden2021 · 01/08/2023 18:32

bluebeck · 01/08/2023 18:25

OP sounds very like my own narc mother when she found out my boyfriend was incredibly wealthy. She was incandescent with rage. She just couldn’t stand the thought of me living happily ever after in luxury.

I appreciate that those of you with broadly normal parents won’t understand this. Most of us would be really happy to think our DD would have no financial problems.

For people like my mother and OP, it’s ENRAGING.

@bluebeck I think you are the only one on this thread who has nailed this thread down.
@queenofsheep - I wanted to say that I fear this relationship will not last because of you. The only legitimate reason you could be concerned, as others have posted is if your DD loses her ambition and her boyfriend doesn't support her in whatever she wants to do with regards to gainful employment. Other than that, you just come across as bitter, jealous and scarred you have now lost the power to dominate your DD as she can now evaluate your achievements.

No wonder your op didn't make any sense!

TenderDandelions · 01/08/2023 18:33

bluebeck · 01/08/2023 18:25

OP sounds very like my own narc mother when she found out my boyfriend was incredibly wealthy. She was incandescent with rage. She just couldn’t stand the thought of me living happily ever after in luxury.

I appreciate that those of you with broadly normal parents won’t understand this. Most of us would be really happy to think our DD would have no financial problems.

For people like my mother and OP, it’s ENRAGING.

I did well at school and got a good job. My DH is, however, much better off than me has a lot more than I do. This shows in the house that we own and the cars that we drive.

Don't get me wrong - I earn very well, but my life is made even more comfortable by the fact that I met DH.

My parents both worked low wage jobs all their lives, never managed to buy their own house and will be paying rent until they either die or have to go in to a care home, which will either have to be state funded or paid for by me.

Do they look down on my DH for helping me have a life they could never have dreamt of giving me?? No... they adore him for the fact that he loves me and are just delighted that I'm happy.

Parents should be there to support and encourage, not judge someone on their good fortune.

I'm sorry that you had a narc mother that couldn't just be happy for you @bluebeck and hope you've found your peace for it.

Datdamndamp · 01/08/2023 18:33

What I would worry about is further down the line if they have children and he can duck out of paying maintenance by not having PAYE income. A lot of self employed men pay themselves dividends to avoid having to declare income.

If he's reliant on an allowance as well as the rental income he's vulnerable if that changes. I know a man in his 50s who never had to work and now the family money is gone he's stuck in a minimum wage job. If his siblings hadn't housed him he would be really stuck.

Bowbowbo · 01/08/2023 18:33

I have a friend whose son is in this situation and I twitch with disapproval whenever she mentions him! Yes, I think everyone who is physically and mentally well enough benefits greatly in their 20s from experiencing what the vast majority of their fellow humans have to endure for many many years - EMPLOYMENT! It's not necessarily about money, it's about understanding what it's like. If you can subsequently escape the world of employment - assuming you don't like it - then that's all well and good, so long as you are doing something useful. This man is doing at least something I suppose, but I fear he will miss out on experiencing what real life is like, and will come across as an entitled little twat. Like my friend's son!