Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

[Jonesjonsy]

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

Why would you presume that you wouldn’t have to pay your own way?

Spot on.

But that bears no resemblance to what actually happened!

I think he took it that you were offering to pay. But he should have said that it was far too much and offered to pay half.

It would be a no from me! I can’t believe he let you pick up the full bill when he’d only paid £8 previously. I don’t think him asking for the bill signals he was planning to pay, it sounds like he was just concerned about missing his train.

I can’t stand a tight arse and would take this as a sign of things to come. DH paid for pretty much every meal out for us for the first year and he’s a fab husband. Don’t saddle yourself with a tight bloke.

Loving the fact posters think this guy had two of everything 😂😂

You offered to pay. You paid. You didn't say "oh, sorry, I meant we should split this." He may well have assumed with your offer, and that you chose the place, that £110 wasn't too much for you. I think it's a misunderstanding.

If you otherwise like him, go out again. He should offer to pay for that meal. Otherwise, better comms next time, and split the bill.

You chose the pub, you booked the pub, You offered to pay . He accepted!!!

3rd date will tell you what you need to know . Maybe try to use your words better.

To be honest, if I were him and I went on a date with someone after I’d paid for the first date (however small) and they’d suggested the venue, them asking me to pay my half would be a red flag!

This is when the OP drip feeds by telling us she was actually out with Henry VIII 😉

It’s just a misunderstanding. You chose the pub, he asked for the bill then you intercepted. If either of you knew you wouldn’t want another date, I think you should have split it, but apart from that, see where he books next time and if he offers to pay. After that, split it.

I do think he should have said oh let's split it but see how the next one goes

I would have assumed that you were offering to pay with what you said, plus it was you who chose the pricey venue - if you’d said what you said combined with booking it yourself I’d have assumed that you wanted to pay. He has t done anything wrong here.

Only accept a third date if it's dinner. Maybe he's very rich and presumed it'd be no bother for you pay a paltry £110 for a pub dinner.

Read the thread before being an embarrassment. He didn’t have TWO mains or TWO desserts - it was one each. The OP worded it poorly as she’s clarified. Fucking hell.

This is my thinking too..

Yes he paid first time but he must have known from what he was eating / drinking on date 2 that this would be nowhere near a similar amount...

Worst bit is he didn't even say thank you?!
Chuck him back.

I think a couple of things contributed to him letting you pay. Firstly, you told him not to pay. Secondly, he had paid last time, so you offering to pay wouldn’t have seemed odd. Thirdly, you’d chosen the pub….so it’s a reasonable assumption you’d checked out the prices and we’re happy with them.

The thing that’s made you feel a bit upset is that it was so expensive. Well yes, it was a lot more than 2 sandwiches.

It’s always a bit awkward working out who pays on early dates. People don’t like to talk about it in detail. So when you were a bit vague, he accepted, rather than quizzing you about what exactly you meant, or suggesting what could have been seen as an alternative. Some women feel uncomfortable if they offer to pay and their date ‘won’t allow it’ but insists on paying or splitting the bill. I’d imagine that he didn’t want a big awkward discussion and so just thought he was agreeing with you.

No red flag as far as I’m concerned. And as far as I’m concerned you start the 3rd date having each paid for one. Yes, you paid for. Much more expensive meal, but it doesn’t mean he now must pay for the 3rd date.

Would it help to arrange the third date and say something like ‘shall we just split the cost for this one’ before you actually go out.

Given you essentially offered to pay for meal 2, I don’t think you should assume he will cover all the cost of date 3. It wouldn’t be fair if him to expect you to pay again, but splitting might be the way forward.

Just write the last bill off as a lesson learned. You enjoyed the date and probably want to see him again…could have been a good investment. And choose your venues more carefully next time having checked out the prices.

For some people the only thing he could have done right is pay. That’s what “I’m old fashioned” means.

Which he will hopefully do. Otherwise OP knows to be clearer next time.

He asked for the bill and she had booked the restaurant. I don't think it sounds like he deliberately grabbed the opportunity of someone to bankroll a pricey tea, it sounds like a genuine misunderstanding. OP will find out soon enough anyway and I hope it is another nice date which settles things.

Oh, and OP, your thread title is misleading. You might have done it to get people to click in your thread, or it might be a further example of you not communicating especially clearly…but the way you phrase it suggests he asked you to pay the bill. The crucial info about what you said when the bill arrived is totally misrepresented by your title.

Because man pays

I'm old-fashioned in that I would expect a thank you - and some sort of acknowledgement that it's been uneven.

I think he should have said by now "thank you for the meal, we must split it next time" or "thank you for the meal, it's my shout next time".

Agree! You know this is off, OP, but you don't quite know why yet.

If it was the other way around, and you had paid for the sandwiches, and he offered to pay for the meal, wouldn't you have said 'hang on, I only paid £8 for the sandwiches and this going to be much more costly - let's split it instead'

The fact that he didn't push back, (even faux pushing back as people sometimes do out of politeness), and that he didn't say thank you is NOT GOOD.

If you are struggling to understand his intentions that means something is already a little off and your values don't quite align.

If you want to give him the benefit of the doubt and go on another date then fair enough, but please give yourself and your inner voice a bit more credit - if any other misunderstandings arise, do not blame yourself, do not label yourself a bad communicator, and do not ignore your inner voice.

I get that people here say he misunderstood your intentions but still.
If he sees you to having pay £110 and he only paid £16 previously, he should sort of offer to help?!
I had this once with a so called friend ( mum from my child’s school)
We went out with our kids when they were small, she would offer to pay in a coffee shop for a sandwich and hot choc, which I accepted ( it was about £20 ) and she said you pay next time, however our next outing she picked a restaurant where the bill was also about £70 as she chose everything possible of the menu, every little thing, I only had an item for £9.95.
So I was left to pay the £60 she chose. I was soooo peed off.
I can say, no more dates with her…

It’s 2023 not the 1950’s