Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

765 replies

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 15:57

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

OP posts:
Lovehearts82 · 01/08/2023 17:37

LilyPark · 01/08/2023 17:33

I was once invited on a date to what turned out to be a really pricey restaurant and at the end my date suggested we go half - I was pretty much wiped out income wise for a month!

Yes but that's not the case here, the op updated that the guy ordered a cocktail 2 glasses of red wine, a steak dinner and a dessert. If he didn't have much money I doubt he would be ordering all that, when i go out to usually pay for my own meal, and if I'm on a budget I don't order steak.

StarlightLady · 01/08/2023 17:38

I have read the full three and it does to me look like a misunderstanding, albeit an expensive one. I hope things progress from here and you both look bacon this and laugh.

BackOfTheMum5net · 01/08/2023 17:38

You chose an expensive meal and then said I don’t want you paying again… I think he was right to let you pay!

Next date’s on him, I guess!

Ladybug14 · 01/08/2023 17:38

ChillysWaterBottle · 01/08/2023 17:08

Omg he should not have accepted you paying a £110 bill after he bought sandwiches! Wtf are other posters on, I'd have insisted on a split and then never seen him again.

This

neverenoughchelseaboots · 01/08/2023 17:38

PurpleButterflyWings · 01/08/2023 17:25

@neverenoughchelseaboots · Today 17:16

I think it’s a green flag.

He respects you as an equal and doesn’t argue the toss when you offer (albeit a misconstrued offer) because he’s the man so he gets to override your intention.

I wonder if this man who believes in equality believes in it when it comes to pulling his weight around the house/ with the childcare/ grunt work/ domestic duties/ home admin etc etc???

Amazing really how many men are all for equality when it comes to women paying their share for stuff, but that's as far as it goes. Never extends to getting off his ass and doing stuff around the house and looking after HIS children!

Paying for the dates would not buy your way out of sharing household responsibilities with me.

Screw that. You both pay your share, you both do your share.

PoseyFlump · 01/08/2023 17:38

Crunchymum · 01/08/2023 16:29

Two puddings?

Greedy fucker

😂😂 I think one each.

blueshoes · 01/08/2023 17:39

category12 · 01/08/2023 17:32

If he couldn't afford half, he shouldn't have been ordering steak and cocktails. 😑

Show quote history

This.

If I went to a pub of my date's choice and realised when I opened the menu that I could not even afford to pay my own share, I would have stuck to tap water and the cheapest mains and just a coffee. That is so not what this CF did.

He probably did not intend to contact the OP again so could not believe his luck that he could dump the bill on her and do a runner.

Will be interesting to see if he contacts her again. In any case, this one is a write off from here onwards.

TempyBrennan · 01/08/2023 17:40

As many others have said, there’s no red flag… you offered to pay.

PoseyFlump · 01/08/2023 17:42

neverenoughchelseaboots · 01/08/2023 17:16

I think it’s a green flag.

He respects you as an equal and doesn’t argue the toss when you offer (albeit a misconstrued offer) because he’s the man so he gets to override your intention.

Ooh I like that. Green flag. Modern man.

Blondewithredlips · 01/08/2023 17:42

Surely he has the intelligence to work out £8 vs £110 is not on?

PoseyFlump · 01/08/2023 17:44

StarlightLady · 01/08/2023 17:38

I have read the full three and it does to me look like a misunderstanding, albeit an expensive one. I hope things progress from here and you both look bacon this and laugh.

Your typos are hilarious 😂 this thread is one big miscommunication!

Blondewithredlips · 01/08/2023 17:45

CollagenQueen · 01/08/2023 17:26

I've no idea why people are making excuses for this guy.

He had a cocktail, 2 large wines, a steak dinner and a pudding. Even if he thought Op offered to pay the whole bill, even if he did not see the actual bill, it would be obvious, to anyone with half a brain, that the bill would be expensive and on date 2, when you hardly know one another, any decent man would have said "No, I can't let you pay for that, let's split it".

I'd go one date 3, with no intention of paying!

This. Either he is thick or a CF

grunttheterrible · 01/08/2023 17:45

I agree with PPs he thought you wanted to pay and maybe didn't want to offend by offering otherwise. I'd do a third date and see what happens. If you went somewhere in the price range of Nando's I'd expect him to cover it or say let's go halves given your expensive date. This is why I always preferred to split things in early stages of a relationship unless he insisted on something expensive and said he'd pay, in which case I'd always cover the tip

tothelefttotheleft · 01/08/2023 17:45

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 17:07

He didn’t say anything about it when it happened. And he didn’t say thank you but did say he had a nice time

The fact he let you pay massively more than he did on the previous date would have really annoyed me. A good person wouldn't let you do that.

FiddleLeaf · 01/08/2023 17:48

neverenoughchelseaboots · 01/08/2023 17:16

I think it’s a green flag.

He respects you as an equal and doesn’t argue the toss when you offer (albeit a misconstrued offer) because he’s the man so he gets to override your intention.

Same here. The way you worded it was that you’d cover it and he didn’t fake one of those ‘oh no, let me…’. If you’ve had two good dates other than that then crack on with number 3!

category12 · 01/08/2023 17:48

He hasn't even said thank you.

I do think allowing someone to pay for your steak, cocktails etc and not even saying thank you is taking the piss.

I wouldn't order that if I thought my date was paying, and if I thought we were going dutch or I was paying and did order expensive items, then they insisted on paying, a. I wouldn't let them and b. would certainly thank them if they really insisted on paying Mrs Doyle style.

It's taking the piss not to even say thank you.

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/KLcLAidXxeA

Before you continue to YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/KLcLAidXxeA

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2023 17:49

He knows what he paid for your lunch and he knows what this meal cost. Even if he truly thought you were offering to pay the lot, he should not have accepted. It was far too much. It would put me off.

GameOverBoys · 01/08/2023 17:49

I would assume he accepted due to not wanting to seem too traditional man and not wanting to offend. But I would have my cocklodger/very stingy guard up for future dates.

Dillane · 01/08/2023 17:49

He shouldn’t have accepted at that price.

Gymnopedie · 01/08/2023 17:49

Who orders a cocktail, two large glasses of wine, a steak and two puddings and then doesn’t offer to pay anything?

I think what's being overlooked here in the discussion about did the OP mean what she said or did she mean something else, and did he have two puddings or not - is that HE asked for the bill. Which presumably at that point meant he was expecting to pay. In which case he can order what the heck he likes.

Don't make a decision one way or the other on this one instance OP. Give it a few more to get a better picture. If this very new relationship goes any further one day you might laugh about it and find that both of you were thinking 'oh shit'.

coxesorangepippin · 01/08/2023 17:50

Ooh I like that. Green flag. Modern man.

^^
yup. The women will love it!!!!

SamW98 · 01/08/2023 17:50

It does very much sound like you offered to pay OP but I do think he should have either offered to pay towards the bill or said straight away ‘my treat next time’

Like other PPs I’d say the 3rd date will be the dealbreaker.

CringeLicious · 01/08/2023 17:53

If the genders were reversed this wouldn't even be a post.

PoseyFlump · 01/08/2023 17:54

I agree with the pp who said the key to all this is the fact that he asked for the bill.

The rest is probably a miscommunication. Definitely worth another date if you like him.

PollyThePixie · 01/08/2023 17:54

Op, I think he was confused by what you said but he ventured into chancer territory when he didn’t say - this is way more than the coffee we had so let’s go half’s and you can get the coffee next time.

I wouldn’t see him again.