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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

765 replies

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 15:57

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

OP posts:
Brexile · 01/08/2023 18:26

YANBU and he is a CF to let you pay the whole bill when he had a cocktail and a steak! Bin.

category12 · 01/08/2023 18:28

Since when did feminism and female empowerment mean men don't even need to be polite enough to say thanks for a meal?

Namechanger1002 · 01/08/2023 18:29

All these women who are old fashioned and expect a man to pay. Assume these same women are also happy to be paid less than a man? To be 'given' away by one man to another.
Fuck me sometimes we women don't do feminism any favours.
Any of my first dates I always made it clear we paid for ourselves - dating is expensive!

SamW98 · 01/08/2023 18:29

SamW98 · 01/08/2023 18:24

It’s 2023 not the 1950’s

Show quote history

And while it’s nice of a man does pay it should be presumed. You still make sure you take your purse out

SamW98 · 01/08/2023 18:30

*shouldn’t be presumed

Namechanger1002 · 01/08/2023 18:31

The op's date not saying thank you is the biggest red flag for me. OP - I assume you said thank you when he paid for your sandwich? Yet he didn't say thank you to you?
Lack of manners is a big red flag for me.

IamSTARVING · 01/08/2023 18:33

Sprogonthetyne · 01/08/2023 17:32

You offered to pay and he accepted. You where also the one who chose and booked the venue, so it would be responsible to assume you wanted a more expensive place. Poor guy is probably shiting himself thinking you expect him to take you to a similar priced place next time, and are looking down on the £8 sandwich.

Poor guy is probably shiting himself thinking you expect him to take you to a similar priced place next time, and are looking down on the £8 sandwich.

Maybe.

But - ordering drinks, wine, steak, poudding does not indicate that the "Poor guy is probably shiting himself ..."

6WeekCountdown · 01/08/2023 18:34

A "red flag" 🙄 you said "you paid last time and I don't want you to pay again", I would assume that to mean "I'll pay". "Shall we split it/go halves, it's rather pricey in here" would have communicated what you actually meant. The only red flag is your communication skills. I'm sure you'd have been quite happy for him to pay though, wonder if he'd have taken to the Internet to ask if his date was a "red flag", as she let him pay when he offered to 🤔?

SD1978 · 01/08/2023 18:35

If you said it that way it gives the impression you wanted- I do t want you paying again after you getting the last one- would give me the impression that it was on you. Saying let's split this one as it's a bit more would have been much clearer.

coxesorangepippin · 01/08/2023 18:35

If they were just friends and this wasn't a date situation would we still be saying this?? That the op should have paid up and the friend sits back and keeps their wallet in their pocket??

JusthereforXmas · 01/08/2023 18:35

YOU suggested, choose and booked the place
YOU choose an expensive place
It was YOUR turn to pay as he paid last time
and YOU even verbally offered to pay

Whats misconstrued?

You are annoyed because you expected to have him pay. You attempted to make a 'I'm so cute' faux gesture expecting him to knock it back and give you points but are annoyed he actually took you up on it when you should have been paying anyway as it was your date.

coxesorangepippin · 01/08/2023 18:36

It's just common manners to pay if the bill is that high, nothing to do with men paying on dates etc

livethislifetoday · 01/08/2023 18:37

Everyone going on about the difference in spend; have you considered that he might really like her, see future dates and is preparing to settle into alternating date paying? After all, by her own admission OP miscommunicated.

Wait and see what happens next OP, if he suggests another sandwich it will be iffy territory. If he suggests somewhere nice, you let him pay and have a great time :)

Sirzy · 01/08/2023 18:38

coxesorangepippin · 01/08/2023 18:35

If they were just friends and this wasn't a date situation would we still be saying this?? That the op should have paid up and the friend sits back and keeps their wallet in their pocket??

But it wasn’t just friends so that’s different as expectations will be different. Even then if a friend said “I will pay” they can’t complain if they are taken up on the offer!

alexdgr8 · 01/08/2023 18:38

i think it's best to each pay for your own, wherever. ask for separate bills, or just tell the server, we will pay separately.
then there is no misunderstanding, or implied obligation; very important when meeting a man for the first time.
until and unless you are a couple, keep your own purse for your own expenses.
and don't reveal too much.

DrSbaitso · 01/08/2023 18:39

GiraffeLaSophie · 01/08/2023 18:05

This is when the OP drip feeds by telling us she was actually out with Henry VIII 😉

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Can't be, she's still got her head!

6WeekCountdown · 01/08/2023 18:43

It's astounding reading on here how many women still expect the man to pick up the bill, it's such an outdated thing. Women are all equal rights, equal pay except when it comes to dating, I have no idea why this is? I earn more than my husband as many women I know do. It isn't the 1950's where women found a man to keep them! Pay your share you tight arses!

blueshoes · 01/08/2023 18:45

WombatChocolate · 01/08/2023 18:17

Oh, and OP, your thread title is misleading. You might have done it to get people to click in your thread, or it might be a further example of you not communicating especially clearly…but the way you phrase it suggests he asked you to pay the bill. The crucial info about what you said when the bill arrived is totally misrepresented by your title.

Good spot WombatChocolate. Very very odd for the OP to make this mistake, 'bad communicator' or otherwise.

Original poster
Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 18:46

Amazing it has got this many responses! I never thought it would.

One poster said that I was trying to act cutesy and when he didn’t pick me up on offering to pay I’m acting all offended. Do you know I think that is kind of right even though it’s embarrassing to admit - but I guess I was kind of waiting to see if there was a bit of chivalry. When I really analyse it I just feel that to me there feels like a bit of a lack of romance as actually I’ve also had to step in and organise everything rather than him making the effort to. So yes I do think I was unclear and maybe was being a bit outdated with expectations but my gut is that I kind of feel it’s part of romance that a guy steps forward a bit more. And maybe that’s built in to the biology of it… like if a woman has a child she becomes quite dependant by the nature of it, so the fact that a guy isn’t proactive with that aspect might be a red flag on a fundamental level and that all these equality arguments miss that key issue. Probably not being clear again but yes just a bit of food for thought.

I still don’t think I picked an expensive place….!

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 01/08/2023 18:46

If I were him I'd have said nonsense let's split it. It's not nice expecting you to pay it all when he had loads of courses and drinks.

If you'd let him pay it all I'd have said the same.

Not promising.

IamSTARVING · 01/08/2023 18:46

Namechanger1002 · 01/08/2023 18:29

All these women who are old fashioned and expect a man to pay. Assume these same women are also happy to be paid less than a man? To be 'given' away by one man to another.
Fuck me sometimes we women don't do feminism any favours.
Any of my first dates I always made it clear we paid for ourselves - dating is expensive!

I agree with you on that.

Equally - when did it become ok for the other senario.

I sometimes wonder of these things are much more important than they seem? As in - do they indicate in some periferal way a fture behaviour?

Modern guy - split bills 50/50. But society is not 50/50.

Do they expect to earn the smae as women or accept more for the same endeavour? Will his money be 50/50 in maternity? Will he participate 50/50 in child rearing? So on. Badly expressed thoughts but hopefully you can follow my meaning.

Like maybe, these things give a faint whif of the type of partner. Dunno - just musing!

SleepingStandingUp · 01/08/2023 18:47

Nothings clear enough for an opinion

He said can I have the bill
You said don't pay for it all
Then what? He handed you the bill and walked out without saying thank you? Why didn't you say " happy to just split it in half?" as you paid and handed the machine back? How quickly did he run when you had the card machine

Original poster
Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 18:47

And yes the title of the thread was bad but I was genuinely miffed albeit after all these posts I can see or understand the perspective that this is unreasonable

OP posts:
IamSTARVING · 01/08/2023 18:47

coxesorangepippin · 01/08/2023 18:35

If they were just friends and this wasn't a date situation would we still be saying this?? That the op should have paid up and the friend sits back and keeps their wallet in their pocket??

Excellent point.

Miajk · 01/08/2023 18:48

ilyana · 01/08/2023 17:36

So it's a red flag if he pushes back and also a red flag if he lets you pay?

Wow.

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No I'm saying it's an amber flag he didn't even wince at the idea of someone covering a 110 quid bill on a second date.And then didn't even say thank you.

Not sure why you completely twisted everything I said.

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