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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

765 replies

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 15:57

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

OP posts:
2catsandhappy · 01/08/2023 17:24

He didn't 'get you to pay', you told him he wasn't to pay and he 'let you pay'.
Big difference.
We all live and learn.

IamSTARVING · 01/08/2023 17:24

waterrat · 01/08/2023 17:18

What I see here is a woman being told to ignore her gut feeling - never, ever do this OP.

YES.

THIS. ^

PurpleButterflyWings · 01/08/2023 17:25

IamSTARVING · 01/08/2023 17:24

Your comment is one I agree with in spite of the counting error! 😁

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Blush

😆 Thank you!

PurpleButterflyWings · 01/08/2023 17:25

@neverenoughchelseaboots · Today 17:16

I think it’s a green flag.

He respects you as an equal and doesn’t argue the toss when you offer (albeit a misconstrued offer) because he’s the man so he gets to override your intention.

I wonder if this man who believes in equality believes in it when it comes to pulling his weight around the house/ with the childcare/ grunt work/ domestic duties/ home admin etc etc???

Amazing really how many men are all for equality when it comes to women paying their share for stuff, but that's as far as it goes. Never extends to getting off his ass and doing stuff around the house and looking after HIS children!

Oatycookies · 01/08/2023 17:26

truthhurts23 · 01/08/2023 16:35

he paid £8, SHES PAYING 110, he knows that is unfair and was dishonest to allow her to pay for him when the bill was more than 10x larger

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This is what a lot of people are missing. OP may have mistakenly misled him and I think should have correct him when he misunderstood so that parts on her - I just can’t imagine staying silent in that type of situation and letting the confusion stand at my expense! BUT it was a bit cheeky of him to go along with it unless he’s planning to treat her to a similar priced dinner next date. So if they’re a third date it depends what happens next.

CollagenQueen · 01/08/2023 17:26

I've no idea why people are making excuses for this guy.

He had a cocktail, 2 large wines, a steak dinner and a pudding. Even if he thought Op offered to pay the whole bill, even if he did not see the actual bill, it would be obvious, to anyone with half a brain, that the bill would be expensive and on date 2, when you hardly know one another, any decent man would have said "No, I can't let you pay for that, let's split it".

I'd go one date 3, with no intention of paying!

Oatycookies · 01/08/2023 17:27

PurpleButterflyWings · 01/08/2023 17:25

@neverenoughchelseaboots · Today 17:16

I think it’s a green flag.

He respects you as an equal and doesn’t argue the toss when you offer (albeit a misconstrued offer) because he’s the man so he gets to override your intention.

I wonder if this man who believes in equality believes in it when it comes to pulling his weight around the house/ with the childcare/ grunt work/ domestic duties/ home admin etc etc???

Amazing really how many men are all for equality when it comes to women paying their share for stuff, but that's as far as it goes. Never extends to getting off his ass and doing stuff around the house and looking after HIS children!

This!

IamSTARVING · 01/08/2023 17:28

LesLavandes · 01/08/2023 17:24

Next time you go out, just say that it's fair you split the bill 50/50

Next time you go out, just say that it's fair you split the bill 50/50

WHY??

The OP is then down 100 quid plus the cost of a new meal.

This is dating time. He is showing his absolute best side.

He will never be better than this.

Is it good enough??

Mumuser124 · 01/08/2023 17:29

It did sound as though you offered to settle the bill. I don’t think he was wrong ordering what he ordered because he clearly thought he was going to pay as it says in your op he asked for the bill and THEN you offered to pay.

I think this is a misunderstanding. I would hope he would offer to pay on the next date. That would be the deciding factor for me.

Miajk · 01/08/2023 17:31

While OP did come across as offering to pay, as a woman I would push back on a man wanting to cover the whole bill for an expensive meal.

He just accepted immediately and also didn't even say thank you - I'd say amber flag tbh

LilyPark · 01/08/2023 17:31

Maybe he couldn't afford half and was relieved you offered? Are you on similar income levels?

ntmdino · 01/08/2023 17:32

PurpleButterflyWings · 01/08/2023 17:17

Da poor menz. 🙄 Aww, bwess!!!! Hmm

Stuffing his fat chops with steak and chips and copious amounts of wine, cocktails, TWO puddings, and TWO mains!!! He KNEW this would all cost more than eight fucking quid!

He happily let the OP pay - despite drinking enough wine and cocktails and eating enough food to feed a small African country for a week. Greedy bloater KNEW this would be costing loads, and that's why he willingly let the OP pay.

Red light all right! Very offputting! Wouldn't get a third date with me!

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Anyone want to play "spot the one who jumped to conclusions without reading the whole thread..."?

You've brilliantly (and, sadly, unironically) illustrated the problem with assumptions and miscommunication. Not that it'll change your mind, of course...

Curlyandginger · 01/08/2023 17:32

No I think he should have argued with you about paying at the very least and then should have backed down and just paid halves. It was too expensive - and he'd had too many expensive items - to have let it go this easily! I would throw him back / wait to see what he does at date 3. But I think he must have known he was being cheeky. My husband isn't the wining and dining type really but even he knew it was chivalrous to pay for the first few meals out!!

Sprogonthetyne · 01/08/2023 17:32

You offered to pay and he accepted. You where also the one who chose and booked the venue, so it would be responsible to assume you wanted a more expensive place. Poor guy is probably shiting himself thinking you expect him to take you to a similar priced place next time, and are looking down on the £8 sandwich.

category12 · 01/08/2023 17:32

LilyPark · 01/08/2023 17:31

Maybe he couldn't afford half and was relieved you offered? Are you on similar income levels?

If he couldn't afford half, he shouldn't have been ordering steak and cocktails. 😑

Ohmylovejune · 01/08/2023 17:33

I would have thought the same as him that you were fully paying. But see how future dates go and try not to overanalyse as early days are a bit easy to make mistakes like this as there aren't any hard and fast rules!

LilyPark · 01/08/2023 17:33

I was once invited on a date to what turned out to be a really pricey restaurant and at the end my date suggested we go half - I was pretty much wiped out income wise for a month!

ilyana · 01/08/2023 17:33

CollagenQueen · 01/08/2023 17:26

I've no idea why people are making excuses for this guy.

He had a cocktail, 2 large wines, a steak dinner and a pudding. Even if he thought Op offered to pay the whole bill, even if he did not see the actual bill, it would be obvious, to anyone with half a brain, that the bill would be expensive and on date 2, when you hardly know one another, any decent man would have said "No, I can't let you pay for that, let's split it".

I'd go one date 3, with no intention of paying!

"Expensive" is objective.

Someone with a lot of money doesn't think £110 for a meal and drinks for two is expensive.

It's manipulative behaviour to insist on paying and then say someone "got you" to pay for an expensive dinner. No, he didn't get her to pay. He signalled his intention to pay by asking for the bill, and she told him not to, and now he's the bad guy for not reading her mind and pandering to the manipulation.

I wouldn't want to see OP again if I were him and I thought she was thinking like this.

AnxiousFairyQueen · 01/08/2023 17:34

Who orders a cocktail, two large glasses of wine, a steak and two puddings and then doesn’t offer to pay anything?

I’m older so I see things differently anyway. I’d expect the man to pay for the first few meals because he needs to see that I value myself.

ilyana · 01/08/2023 17:35

LilyPark · 01/08/2023 17:33

I was once invited on a date to what turned out to be a really pricey restaurant and at the end my date suggested we go half - I was pretty much wiped out income wise for a month!

Why would you assume you weren't paying for what you consumed? I'd never go somewhere unless I'd checked out the menu or it was crystal clear that it was their treat.

Oatycookies · 01/08/2023 17:35

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 17:07

He didn’t say anything about it when it happened. And he didn’t say thank you but did say he had a nice time

That’s awful and confirms my suspicions he’s a CF. Why would he not say thank you ?! He probably think he has the upper hand and has some kind of delusions about you trying to chase and woo him. I had a (female) friend like that. I noticed after the second time in a row I offered to pay for lunch she kind of smirked but didn’t say thank you. It wasn’t even the paying twice in a row that bothered me it was the lack of a thank you - never paid anything for her again. At the time she was a doctor and I was earning just above minimum wage.

ntmdino · 01/08/2023 17:36

Ohmylovejune · 01/08/2023 17:33

I would have thought the same as him that you were fully paying. But see how future dates go and try not to overanalyse as early days are a bit easy to make mistakes like this as there aren't any hard and fast rules!

Dammit, stop being reasonable. We're here for an argument!

ilyana · 01/08/2023 17:36

Miajk · 01/08/2023 17:31

While OP did come across as offering to pay, as a woman I would push back on a man wanting to cover the whole bill for an expensive meal.

He just accepted immediately and also didn't even say thank you - I'd say amber flag tbh

So it's a red flag if he pushes back and also a red flag if he lets you pay?

Wow.

Batalax · 01/08/2023 17:36

If he intended seeing you again then I imagine he’s thinking it’s his turn next time.
It would only be a red flag if he doesn’t offer next time.

LilyPark · 01/08/2023 17:37

category12 · 01/08/2023 17:32

If he couldn't afford half, he shouldn't have been ordering steak and cocktails. 😑

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Oops didn't read the full thread. My bad. LTB!