Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

[Jonesjonsy]

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

You wanted to split the bill, so you didn't mention splitting the bill.

That's pretty crazy, but I'll tell you this- he is not an open-handed gentleman on a date.

Men often take things very literally- I think this was just a misunderstanding

Awh this is exactly the kind of awkward thing that would happen to me then I'd be stressing about it for days. I can totally relate.

With these things you have to be brutally clear. "Are you ok with splitting the bill? Don't want you to pay for this like last time as this is much more expensive!" Xxx

Interested have you arranged a third date?
I would have thought he would have protested and said let’s go halves. That’s a lot to pay out on a second date.

Agree with this. He had 3 drinks and expensive main. He knew it was not comparable to the sandwich you had in cafe.

If second date was in cafe, where you offered to pay and he accepted without a word, it would have been okay.

Any pub meal is going to be expensive by the time you order steak, a cocktail, two glasses of wine and pudding.

I don't think OP necessarily chose an extravagant place.

If he'd ordered soup and mineral water I don't think OP would have posted.

The third date would be make or break for me.

OP organised the first two dates around what was convenient for him. She then paid a significant amount for the second date.

If he takes her somewhere nice and pays for it, then I think he's still in play.

You booked the place to eat and then basically offered to pay. If cost were an issue you should have booked somewhere cheaper.... See how your next date goes

Well said, Catlord.

I'm stunned that 86% think the OP is being unreasonable. Also stunned at all the posts encouraging her to doubt herself, and also somehow expecting her to time travel back to the pub and rephrase things perfectly.

He may redeem himself (somewhat) on the third date, but I would not be filing away this incident and forgetting it. Or shaming myself over querying it, as OP has been encouraged to do on this thread.

You only have to read the Relationships board to see woman after woman who did not pay attention to small early warning signs and niggles or just wiped them away, not wanting to be unkind or unfair.

It sounds like a misunderstanding to me rather than a "red flag".

Some of us consider it tacky to haggle over a restaurant check.

He called for the bill, apparently with the intention of paying it.

Instead OP, who was well aware of what he'd ordered/consumed, jumped in and blurted out "i don't want you to pay it."

What was he supposed to do, especially as he had to get his train? Take her at her word or start arguing? For all he knows she would take offense if he usurped her stated wishes.

So he graciously thanked her and moved on.

Don't grab the bill if you're going to resent paying it, and slur your guest as some sort of abusive piker. Don't date people who consider a 100 quid meal no big deal if that's going to be a problem.

Ugh. Why do you think men should pay?

This is a classic example of double standards. And if he’d offered and she’d accepted, it wouldn’t be a massive red flag?*

Good point. Would people tell him to bin her off if she'd allowed him to pay?

Sounds like she wanted credit for offering but really expected him to insist on covering the cost.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune because of the huge pay gap that exists still between men and women. In my industry men are paid almost twenty percent more than what I and other female colleagues are paid. It’s being addressed, slowly. So when I was dating I was happy for men to pick up the tab.

It would be more concerning if a man tried to override a woman who was saying that she could pay herself. If there's a third date I'd expect him to realise it's his turn to foot the bill but I can't fault him for OP's poor communication.

To me a huge red flag is the expectation of traditional gender roles. Men who insisted that they had to pay, with the subtext that they'd feel emasculated if they didn't - those were the ones I binned off. I also advise male friends to bin off women who expect them to pay and who are quick to throw around insults like "tight" (an adjective they rarely apply to themselves).

This would be a logical position if the man you were dating was also in your industry, in an equivalent job and being paid more than you. Fairly irrelevant otherwise though. I'm sure most women in decent careers have gone on dates with men who've earned less than them; expecting them to pick up the tab because of structural sexism is ludicrous.

@Jonesjonsy you’re famous OP 😂 Daily Mail doing their usual lazy article pinching

@gannett good point. These men were high earners though.

Yeah. Exactly this.

😬

He may get the message now.

"Because of the pay gap" men should pay on dates?

What a self-serving crock of shit.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune literally explained this in detail above but you’ve chosen to ignore it.

I’m going to guess either

chivalry, old fashioned, standards

or

men as a class earn more

Bingo

so a structural societal inequality means you can assume that’s the case for every individual and make them pay more. Genius