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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

765 replies

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 15:57

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

OP posts:
Mothership4two · 03/08/2023 05:27

Actually I would consider this a bit of a red flag. In his position I would have said no as there is obviously a huge difference between paying for a sandwich and a meal with courses and (I assume) alcohol. Unless he is stupid he would have known there would be a massive discrepancy. He should have said split the bill.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/08/2023 05:38

I’d try and ensure that next time the bill comes to a similar amount and see what happens. Is there anything expensive you particularly like to eat?

Beachywave · 03/08/2023 05:49

He may not even be in a position to pay £110 for a meal. You’d picked the restaurant so it would have been unfair to land him with that kind of bill anyway. You definitely did the right thing to pay. Let him pick the next place given it’s his turn 😊

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/08/2023 05:57

But if that were the case @Beachywave , he shouldn’t have guzzled down those wines and ate a pudding. He’s a 40 year old man. He knows about pub and restaurant prices.

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 03/08/2023 06:11

you are the major red flag

BananaSplitX · 03/08/2023 06:58

Just because you offered to pay, he didn’t have to accept it, knowing it was an expensive restaurant. It’s a massive red flag for me and I would bin without thinking twice.

Luddite26 · 03/08/2023 07:12

A bit of a red flag cos he could have said split it.

But you chose the pub. Seems a pricey pub so you must have known that.
Try a third date and see.
Equality means being fair in my eyes maybe you earn more. See how it goes.

Janieforever · 03/08/2023 07:12

BananaSplitX · 03/08/2023 06:58

Just because you offered to pay, he didn’t have to accept it, knowing it was an expensive restaurant. It’s a massive red flag for me and I would bin without thinking twice.

This is a classic example of double standards. And if he’d offered and she’d accepted, it wouldn’t be a massive red flag?

truthhurts23 · 03/08/2023 07:23

nevertoomuchnevertoomuch · 03/08/2023 03:23

Rubbish.

Some women can be very independent and get offended if a man won't let them pay.

She said she'd pay so he may just have been trying to do the right thing and not patronise her by inferring she can't pay herself!

Show quote history

no decent person would ever let someone cover such a large bill, he is taking the piss,
im a woman and i know many women who would not be offended that someone wants to pay their own bill

WisherWood · 03/08/2023 07:32

He may not even be in a position to pay £110 for a meal. You’d picked the restaurant so it would have been unfair to land him with that kind of bill anyway.

Well in that case, don't eat the steak and have loads of alcohol. And say up front 'shall we split the bill?' then you're in control of the bits you're paying for. That's what I did with my DP. Who yes, does do his share of the housework and childcare and does support equality in many ways.

I don't think this man necessarily did anything wrong. But I don't think you can defend him on the grounds that he might not have been able to afford what he consumed.

Loulabelle1234 · 03/08/2023 07:34

Sorry I think this is a red flag £8 compared to £110.00 is a massive difference and any decent man would insist on paying half when the bill came not just accept your offer (even if it was mistakenly made).

Busybusybee96 · 03/08/2023 07:51

I wouldn't see it as a red flag, as you did offer to pay.
Personally if I saw the value of the bill I would've offered to go halves. But we don't know what he was thinking, he might have thought as you booked it you knew what the prices would be like and just felt a bit awkward.

Also we all know some girls take the p*ss with dates. Maybe no ones offered to pay for him before 🥺 right now he's probably thinking "wow this girl is decent and actually likes me" Men deserve to be wined and dined too..sometimes 😂 If you say anything you'll look like the red flag.

I'd just be more cautious of where I book next time, and not let this spoil it. Sounds like you've got a good thing going. Both prepared to take the bill and not take the p*ss.

Loulou599 · 03/08/2023 08:02

I think a red flag is in the first post:

but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me

In this day and age that's very presumptuous and indicates what you expect as the baseline: for a man to pay for you.

Having said that I think it's so rude that he just let you pay £110, and would think the same irrespective of gender. Surely man or woman you insist on going halves for that amount on only the second date

DrSbaitso · 03/08/2023 08:20

In this day and age that's very presumptuous and indicates what you expect as the baseline: for a man to pay for you.

Or it indicates that she remembered he had paid for the last date, so it's not beyond the realms of possibility that he might pay for this one.

T1Dmama · 03/08/2023 08:24

I’d expect anyone half decent to say ‘it’s a big bill let’s go halves’

But I also wouldn't expect you to book such an expensive place! £110 for two people?! WTAF!

thepacetogo · 03/08/2023 08:27

@Jonesjonsy i always think men should pay (yes I know I will be criticised for this).

However, here you clearly said you would pay. He probably felt awkward to step in when you specifically said it in relation to him having paid before. The cost is not really relevant where you’ve said you’ll pay and it’s more of a ‘turn taking’ rather than cost basis.

I honestly can’t believe you can’t see this?!

T1Dmama · 03/08/2023 08:30

Loulou599 · 03/08/2023 08:02

I think a red flag is in the first post:

but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me

In this day and age that's very presumptuous and indicates what you expect as the baseline: for a man to pay for you.

Having said that I think it's so rude that he just let you pay £110, and would think the same irrespective of gender. Surely man or woman you insist on going halves for that amount on only the second date

I would have to not have a third date if I was him…. Based on the fact she’d booked the restaurant/pub and it was so far out of my price range!! I’d be too embarrassed to say I couldn’t afford to eat there and relieved when she offered to pay! I couldn’t even afford to pay half of that bill!!
Either that or is book somewhere much cheaper for the third date and not allow her to book a place again and tell her on the the third date that there’s no way I can afford to eat in places like that!

willWillSmithsmith · 03/08/2023 08:34

Loulabelle1234 · 03/08/2023 07:34

Sorry I think this is a red flag £8 compared to £110.00 is a massive difference and any decent man would insist on paying half when the bill came not just accept your offer (even if it was mistakenly made).

Why did OP choose such an expensive place at all? Saying you didn’t know it was expensive is a poor excuse. People check menu prices before going somewhere unknown, they don’t just plonk themselves down and find they’ve chosen a very expensive place. Why didn’t OP discuss the fact she’d inadvertently chosen an expensive place before they ordered and discussed bill splitting before ordering? I know I would have I wouldn’t have just had a silent discussion in my head about it, I’d say Oops I’ve accidentally chosen an expensive place, shall we leave or just pay for ourselves etc.

Loulou599 · 03/08/2023 08:47

I don't think it is an expensive place if you are thinking a standard main (say £15) plus a drink (say £6, so let's say max £25 each).

The problem is the dude went for the steak (let's say £20), plus two glasses of wine, plus....

You get the picture. So where she was thinking oh this place is nice, and was expecting to have a simple dinner where they would pay £30 each, it suddenly evolved into loads of extras.

Clymene · 03/08/2023 08:47

It wasn't that expensive.

He had a cocktail, two large glasses of wine and a steak. In an average pub that would set you back over £50 even before dessert.

Any decent person would have insisted on splitting the bill.

sarah419 · 03/08/2023 08:52

He should have refused anyway and offered to pay or go halves! Particularly since it doesn’t even compare to the cafe sandwiches! he should have been conscious of the price difference. huge red flag and probably don’t offer to pay in future dates - let the man lead on the bill as it tells a lot about them and what your future with them will look like!

hugefanofcheese · 03/08/2023 08:53

BananaSplitX · 03/08/2023 06:58

Just because you offered to pay, he didn’t have to accept it, knowing it was an expensive restaurant. It’s a massive red flag for me and I would bin without thinking twice.

Not everyone is interested in engaging in 'well I offered but of course didn't mean it. To take me at my word (even if badly expressed) is a red flag'. The OP might not quite have meant to but she did offer to pay. The man accepted. He did nothing wrong. There's no indication he couldn't afford the bill or set out to take advantage. She needed to be clearer.

Catlord · 03/08/2023 09:06

Jonesjonsy · 02/08/2023 17:41

Yes this really sums up what I’m thinking m

Show quote history

Agreed generally but you can decide this in slower time, date 2 doesn't have to be make or break.

With all the respect in the world this is your communication: you've given the impression you're more solvent than you probably are and havent been clear on what was said in the thread more than once.

You have also said he didn't thank you when he did, for the lovely evening. For me that would include the meal as well as the company. I wouldn't particularly wish to break it down into 'thanks for getting your wallet out there. Also it was nice to chat'.

Your instincts could well be correct- time will tell- but it's good that you're owning your role in this.

coodawoodashooda · 03/08/2023 09:18

Clymene · 03/08/2023 08:47

It wasn't that expensive.

He had a cocktail, two large glasses of wine and a steak. In an average pub that would set you back over £50 even before dessert.

Any decent person would have insisted on splitting the bill.

Yeah. I think if you stay with him you'll find out he's a Taker and everything will hark back to this moment.

SnozPoz · 03/08/2023 09:22

You offered to pay, he accepted