Page 21 | Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

Jonesjonsy · 2023-08-01T14:57:25+00:00

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that. Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110! I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

coodawoodashooda · 02/08/2023 20:40

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 16:23

I know - he doesn’t know the area but we were in Bristol and I live just outside. He said he wanted somewhere close to the station so I booked that and it was more expensive than I had thought but he had a cocktail to begin and 2 x big glasses of wine so that really pushed it up! Then two mains, he had a steak which was pricey and two puddings. Sorry it was also a bit unclear as the bill hadn’t arrived but he had asked for it as he needed to catch his train and I just said something like please don’t pay for the whole thing. I didn’t say I would pay. But I do see why it was confusing possibly. There was just such a difference I guess I felt it was weird he accepted with such ease

I think it's how he accepted with ease that's the red flag.

coodawoodashooda · 02/08/2023 20:41

JST88 · 02/08/2023 19:41

I would get the ick if a guy was happy to allow me to pay for a meal costing £110 on our second date when he’s supposed to still be in the wooing phase..

Yeah. Exactly this.

WisherWood · 02/08/2023 20:42

And as I've said a few times, do you think these men who believe in equality and think that women should pay their way when they go out to pubs and clubs, and for meals and whatever, also extend their equality to doing housework, domestic chores, home admin, washing, cooking, washing up, ironing, food shopping and doing their equal share with the childcare?

Depends on the man. My OH does his share. Some won't. But paying for dinner doesn't magically fix inequality. IME it just reiterates the idea that women should be taken care of because they can't pay. The worst dates I've had are where the man has said 'oh don't be silly, I'll pay' because they think the very idea of female equality is silly. So they think I'm a silly little woman and talk down to me. Then they find out I've got a PhD and then they don't really want to talk to me because I don't fit their idea of femininity.

So yes, I tended to go halves on dates because it's a good way of sussing out if someone does think I'm equal or if they think I'm incapable and can't earn my own money, because I'm just a bit silly really.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 20:45

JST88 · 02/08/2023 19:41

I would get the ick if a guy was happy to allow me to pay for a meal costing £110 on our second date when he’s supposed to still be in the wooing phase..

Is she not in the "wooing phase," (ugh) too??

Janieforever · 02/08/2023 20:49

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 20:45

Is she not in the "wooing phase," (ugh) too??

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Apparently women are to be wooed. They don’t woo. And the wooing is financial

🤮

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 20:51

Apparently.

The usual Mumsnet double standards.

willWillSmithsmith · 02/08/2023 20:51

I would say have a third date and see how that goes. You sounded like you were insisting on paying the whole thing. He’s not a mind reader.

category12 · 02/08/2023 20:54

I think wooing is showing your best selves.

I don't think it's showing your best side to accept the other person paying £100-odd quid and not at least offer half when what you paid for the previous date was £8.

I wouldn't accept someone paying that much for me on a second date, I'd be really uncomfortable with it and would offer my share. I think it's bizarre that he didn't. It's not a sexes thing, it's just an unfairness thing.

PurpleButterflyWings · 02/08/2023 21:00

masterblaster · 02/08/2023 19:56

They are moving fast if they have had kids and moved in together before their third date.

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Just as I thought. You don't have an answer.

willWillSmithsmith · 02/08/2023 21:02

category12 · 02/08/2023 20:54

I think wooing is showing your best selves.

I don't think it's showing your best side to accept the other person paying £100-odd quid and not at least offer half when what you paid for the previous date was £8.

I wouldn't accept someone paying that much for me on a second date, I'd be really uncomfortable with it and would offer my share. I think it's bizarre that he didn't. It's not a sexes thing, it's just an unfairness thing.

It was £16 (£8 each). Maybe he thought as OP chose the restaurant she was aware of the prices (I never eat somewhere without being aware of the general price range). I certainly wouldn’t choose the place to eat on a date without knowing full well what level of pricing it was. The thing that would concern me is his alcoholic consumption (very sensitive to people’s consumption through ex being an alcoholic). I’d do a third date if I generally liked them but I’d be observing their behaviour towards alcohol and money.

JMSA · 02/08/2023 21:05

Crikey, there's a difference between an £8 sandwich and a £55 meal!
He shouldn't have assumed and should have insisted on going halves.
YANBU. Definitely not.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 21:07

JMSA · 02/08/2023 21:05

Crikey, there's a difference between an £8 sandwich and a £55 meal!
He shouldn't have assumed and should have insisted on going halves.
YANBU. Definitely not.

He didn't assume!
She said "i don't want you to pay."

K8ate · 02/08/2023 21:09

PurpleButterflyWings · 02/08/2023 19:48

And as I've said a few times, do you think these men who believe in equality and think that women should pay their way when they go out to pubs and clubs, and for meals and whatever, also extend their equality to doing housework, domestic chores, home admin, washing, cooking, washing up, ironing, food shopping and doing their equal share with the childcare?

Do they fucking arseholes! 'Welcome to equality,' my arse!

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Also, when the shit hits the fan and the ship is sinking fast, is it still women first in these days of equality?

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 02/08/2023 21:16

I agree with others who've said that it does sound as if you offered to pay, and he accepted. However, on a second date I would not be comfortable accepting that. I would have insisted on splitting the bill. Unless you're in a social circle where £110 is pocket change.

category12 · 02/08/2023 21:19

willWillSmithsmith · 02/08/2023 21:02

It was £16 (£8 each). Maybe he thought as OP chose the restaurant she was aware of the prices (I never eat somewhere without being aware of the general price range). I certainly wouldn’t choose the place to eat on a date without knowing full well what level of pricing it was. The thing that would concern me is his alcoholic consumption (very sensitive to people’s consumption through ex being an alcoholic). I’d do a third date if I generally liked them but I’d be observing their behaviour towards alcohol and money.

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Oh sorry, there's hardly a disparity at all between £16 and £110 🙄

JMSA · 02/08/2023 21:19

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune

Well whatever, he shouldn't have just sat back and accepted that. And I do believe that he was presumptuous.

Spamchat · 02/08/2023 21:26

I’ll be needing an update on how the third date goes 😂

IloveJudgeJudy · 02/08/2023 21:27

I also think it’s pertinent that he had a train to catch and was probably worrying about missing it.

A third date would sort out everything.

pineapplecrushed · 02/08/2023 21:28

you effectively said you would pay. Next date, see if he does.

thegirlwithemousyhair · 02/08/2023 21:42

He didnt get you to pay for an expensive dinner.

You offered to pay for the second meal (because he paid for the first)
you booked the expensive venue and now you're projecting your resentment onto him as a red flag because you'r pissed off about the size of the bill.

Plus you could have askied him if, on reflection, would he mind splitting it with you. As a nice chap, he probably wouldve agreed.

penguinsaurus · 02/08/2023 21:53

PurpleButterflyWings · 02/08/2023 19:48

And as I've said a few times, do you think these men who believe in equality and think that women should pay their way when they go out to pubs and clubs, and for meals and whatever, also extend their equality to doing housework, domestic chores, home admin, washing, cooking, washing up, ironing, food shopping and doing their equal share with the childcare?

Do they fucking arseholes! 'Welcome to equality,' my arse!

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Ehrm, yes? I’m in Scandinavia not England but this is the way it has been here for as long as I can recall. If this is the norm in England still, I don’t even know what to say tbh. What you are describing sounds medievial and really must suck.

Mama1209 · 02/08/2023 21:54

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 01/08/2023 16:03

If you’d been together months I wouldn’t care but on date two?! YANBU. He’s shouldn’t have accepted when there was a massive difference like that. He should’ve split or paid for all the drinks if you headed somewhere after the meal. Paying £8 v £110 when you’ve met someone twice is really cheeky! Even if he misunderstood your offer, he should have known that wasn’t a fair exchange.

I totally agree with this!

Topsy44 · 02/08/2023 21:57

YANBU. I think BrightGreenMoonBuggy has it spot on. I wouldn’t be going on a third date with him.

Mama1209 · 02/08/2023 22:01

Workawayxx · 01/08/2023 16:31

Hmmm... If everything else is great, I think I'd reluctantly give him the benefit of the doubt on this one and see what he does on date 3. Not ideal though that he drank such expensive drinks and accepted the offer with such ease. If you continue to do meals out and alternate paying then that's fine.

Although I always found a man expecting you to travel to him/accommodate his location needs on dates (with this guy you were near his house first date, near the station convenient for his work second date) doesn't bode well either. Several men wanted to meet me on their way home from work or on their way to something else so involving zero miles out of their way for them and a longer drive for me than it would have been if meeting halfway between our houses. The men who were decent were thinking about my needs in terms of first date location (and I was considering their needs also).

Ooh such a good point re location! I hadn’t picked up on that.

Charlize43 · 02/08/2023 22:04

I often pay for dinner for my male friends, or did when I was in a better financial position, pre Covid and not reduced to penury, like now. Luckily... and I am so grateful for it, they remember that and occasionally take me out for some smashing and extravagant meals.

I do think the idea that the man should always pay is so old fashioned. Also if you want the relationship to be on equal footing then you have to be prepared to pay your own way, buy rounds, etc.