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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

765 replies

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 15:57

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

OP posts:
AllyArty · 02/08/2023 18:21

Next time pick a similar eating place and let him pay-then what’s your problem? You will be even. Then if there are future dates go 50/50

Suunnyd · 02/08/2023 18:23

Im sitting in histerics at the thought of OH sitting stuffing his face with 2 puddings because he thinks OP is paying. Sounds like you were unclear op. If you like him id give another chance.

Janieforever · 02/08/2023 18:31

Suunnyd · 02/08/2023 18:23

Im sitting in histerics at the thought of OH sitting stuffing his face with 2 puddings because he thinks OP is paying. Sounds like you were unclear op. If you like him id give another chance.

its always a good idea to read the thread,..

Suunnyd · 02/08/2023 18:41

@Janieforever i did read the thread. I know that the man didnt have two puddings. I was laughing at the thought of it as it has previously been mentioned and op clarified two or three times?!

LightReader · 02/08/2023 18:52

He maybe didn’t want to seem old fashioned / sexist by implying that a woman couldn’t pay. I’d give him another chance although I agree he should maybe have spoken up.

YDBear · 02/08/2023 18:57

A pub dinner that cost £110 for two? Sorry, I can't move on from this.

Pinkfluff76 · 02/08/2023 19:03

This would be a massive red flag for me. He had three drinks and an expensive main and a pudding and then let you pay a massive bill because he’d bought you a sandwich!! Even if it was a misunderstanding and he thought you were offering to pay the whole bill he should’ve been polite enough to say let’s go halves and although I haven’t read everything it doesn’t sound like he did that? And not saying thank you is a deal breaker for me. Sorry to say OP. Good luck!!

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 19:05

YDBear · 02/08/2023 18:57

A pub dinner that cost £110 for two? Sorry, I can't move on from this.

Well, upscale pubs DO exist.

If his wine and cocktail were 10 each, and OP had two wines at 10 each, that's 50 right there; then his steak, sides, pudding and whatever she had, so say 30 him and 20 her. It adds up quickly. I don't find it far fetched at all.

dottiedodah · 02/08/2023 19:07

YDBear Our nearest pub which is very nice (Think country style pub in suburbs) is about the same price range .Mostly have fish and chips and an ice cream or pudding with a soft drink about £30.00 per head .Easily the same if I were to have a steak,2 cocktails and lots of wine!

Middleagedspreadisreal · 02/08/2023 19:16

£110 for a pub meal?? I've never paid that in a restaurant let alone a pub!
You told him you would pay, so he let you.

Airspice · 02/08/2023 19:17

What you said completely sounded like you were offering to pay the whole thing. However, £110!! Any decent person would say ‘no way, that’s far more than the sandwich I bought you, we’ll split it’. The fact that he willing just let you pay that large bill is a no from me!

SamW98 · 02/08/2023 19:25

I went on a date earlier this year in a nice pub near me and the bill was over £100. I offered to pay my share but very romantically (not) he told me he was putting it on his company car and claiming it back as business hospitality so he was getting it as a freebie anyway

That was for 3 courses and 4 drinks (2 wines 2 beers)

Missingpop · 02/08/2023 19:25

You said you paid last time so of course he took it to mean you wanted to pay this time you should have said I think we need to split this bill 😂 ok he could have shown a bit of gallantry & said no at least let’s split it but we live & learn if you like him give him another chance; it’s not worth falling out over a meal; life’s far too short.

masterblaster · 02/08/2023 19:34

Welcome to equality.

JST88 · 02/08/2023 19:41

I would get the ick if a guy was happy to allow me to pay for a meal costing £110 on our second date when he’s supposed to still be in the wooing phase..

holdupholdup · 02/08/2023 19:46

Did he also see how much the total bill was?
If so then yeah I'd think he was a bit of a piss taker. He paid out under £20 on your first date, once he realised your pub meal was £110 he should have offered to split it and say maybe you can pay next time you go for a coffee.
I get you offered but he should have declined your offer to pay once he saw the prices on the menu, or suggested you go somewhere cheaper before ordering.

PurpleButterflyWings · 02/08/2023 19:48

masterblaster · 02/08/2023 19:34

Welcome to equality.

And as I've said a few times, do you think these men who believe in equality and think that women should pay their way when they go out to pubs and clubs, and for meals and whatever, also extend their equality to doing housework, domestic chores, home admin, washing, cooking, washing up, ironing, food shopping and doing their equal share with the childcare?

Do they fucking arseholes! 'Welcome to equality,' my arse! Hmm

masterblaster · 02/08/2023 19:56

PurpleButterflyWings · 02/08/2023 19:48

And as I've said a few times, do you think these men who believe in equality and think that women should pay their way when they go out to pubs and clubs, and for meals and whatever, also extend their equality to doing housework, domestic chores, home admin, washing, cooking, washing up, ironing, food shopping and doing their equal share with the childcare?

Do they fucking arseholes! 'Welcome to equality,' my arse! Hmm

Show quote history

They are moving fast if they have had kids and moved in together before their third date.

AncientBallerina · 02/08/2023 20:00

Sorry if this has been said before but he asked for the bill. In a date situation the person who asks for the bill usually
intends to pay it, especially if you are both mature adults, not students or young and getting started in life. If he wasn’t intending to pay, I I think he would have said ‘shall we get the bill’ to you because that leaves it more open to how the bill is being paid. You then (seemed to) offer so he may not have wanted to make a big deal out of it.
The key thing is what happens next - he should suggest somewhere nice and pay because there is quite a disparity in what you have both paid. He should be aware of that if he is a decent guy- if he’s quite relaxed he probably thinks it’s no biggie and intends for the costs to even out on the next date. If he suggests a walk and coffee then bin him!

FloydPepper · 02/08/2023 20:05

PurpleButterflyWings · 02/08/2023 19:48

And as I've said a few times, do you think these men who believe in equality and think that women should pay their way when they go out to pubs and clubs, and for meals and whatever, also extend their equality to doing housework, domestic chores, home admin, washing, cooking, washing up, ironing, food shopping and doing their equal share with the childcare?

Do they fucking arseholes! 'Welcome to equality,' my arse! Hmm

Show quote history

I certainly do
i also believe women should be paid equally
as well as believing men shouldn’t be expected to pay for everything and be “a provider”

I believe a relationship should be between equals

Leela100 · 02/08/2023 20:05

You should have clearly said let’s go halves on this, so no I wouldn’t bin just yet, clearly just a breakdown in communication- if you had said what you said I would have assumed you meant you wanted to pay the whole thing too

Evan456 · 02/08/2023 20:11

Maybe as it was only a second date, did not want to say anything about paying as to not embarrass you, as you suggested you paid

Hufflepods · 02/08/2023 20:22

I would love to know how many posters would also think it was so horrendous if he has offered and OP had accepted.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 20:28

Hufflepods · 02/08/2023 20:22

I would love to know how many posters would also think it was so horrendous if he has offered and OP had accepted.

None.

Many here are in the "heads I win, tails you lose" mentality when it comes to the roles of men and women. And I say that as a woman.

Frances0911 · 02/08/2023 20:28

If I was him I would have said but it was only a sandwich, lets go halves.

I'd give him another chance though, but maybe have a date that doesn't involve eating so you can relax and decide if you think it's worth another date.

Next time you do have a meal though, he definitely should offer to pay.