Page 22 | Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

Jonesjonsy · 2023-08-01T14:57:25+00:00

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that. Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110! I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 22:20

thegirlwithemousyhair · 02/08/2023 21:42

He didnt get you to pay for an expensive dinner.

You offered to pay for the second meal (because he paid for the first)
you booked the expensive venue and now you're projecting your resentment onto him as a red flag because you'r pissed off about the size of the bill.

Plus you could have askied him if, on reflection, would he mind splitting it with you. As a nice chap, he probably wouldve agreed.

Yep, all of this.

Ilovetea33 · 02/08/2023 22:21

Am I the only one who thinks that a date where you have to watch the clock because one of you has to catch a train is far from ideal? Is he really that busy that that's the only way he can slot you in? Quite apart from the fact that you were the one who had to find a place to eat, why couldn't he?

Gymnopedie · 02/08/2023 22:25

Topsy44 · 02/08/2023 21:57

YANBU. I think BrightGreenMoonBuggy has it spot on. I wouldn’t be going on a third date with him.

Why are you so sure? This arose out of a miscommunication (ie the OP didn't say what she meant). For a third date he might well take her somewhere a lot more fancy than a decent pub and pay the bill.

There may be a significant price difference between the sandwich and the dinner but he couldn't have known that paying for the dinner would go the way it did. The sandwich was the first thing to be bought and he immediately paid. He asked for bill for dinner which presumably means he intended to pay. He very properly said thank you for a lovely evening.

Men are regularly accused (often rightly) of misogyny, but there's more than a whiff of misandry about some of these replies.

Underestimated4 · 02/08/2023 22:26

I agree with the others you made it sound like you were paying for all the bill. Maybe have a third date and see what he offers to contribute then?

Hufflepods · 02/08/2023 22:29

@Ilovetea33 Quite apart from the fact that you were the one who had to find a place to eat, why couldn't he?

Why is it an issue that she did though? He was seeing her near where she lived, it makes sense for the OP to pick somewhere. You’re being ridiculous to make that an issue.

penguinsaurus · 02/08/2023 22:30

Ilovetea33 · 02/08/2023 22:21

Am I the only one who thinks that a date where you have to watch the clock because one of you has to catch a train is far from ideal? Is he really that busy that that's the only way he can slot you in? Quite apart from the fact that you were the one who had to find a place to eat, why couldn't he?

Or, he really wants to see her again asap even though he is busy, so makes time. Could be either way.

CrazyArmadilloLady · 02/08/2023 22:32

SunRainStorm · 02/08/2023 12:32

I've read OP's comments but not the full thread, so sorry if this has been discussed already.

Isn't that a lot of alcohol for a second date?

A cocktail is usually 2-3 standard drinks, plus two large glasses of wine makes another 3ish standard drinks.

I'd be pretty drunk after that!

What’s your tolerance for alcohol got to do with a date you weren’t on?

penguinsaurus · 02/08/2023 22:36

CrazyArmadilloLady · 02/08/2023 22:32

What’s your tolerance for alcohol got to do with a date you weren’t on?

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nothing

Charlize43 · 02/08/2023 22:37

WisherWood · 02/08/2023 20:42

And as I've said a few times, do you think these men who believe in equality and think that women should pay their way when they go out to pubs and clubs, and for meals and whatever, also extend their equality to doing housework, domestic chores, home admin, washing, cooking, washing up, ironing, food shopping and doing their equal share with the childcare?

Depends on the man. My OH does his share. Some won't. But paying for dinner doesn't magically fix inequality. IME it just reiterates the idea that women should be taken care of because they can't pay. The worst dates I've had are where the man has said 'oh don't be silly, I'll pay' because they think the very idea of female equality is silly. So they think I'm a silly little woman and talk down to me. Then they find out I've got a PhD and then they don't really want to talk to me because I don't fit their idea of femininity.

So yes, I tended to go halves on dates because it's a good way of sussing out if someone does think I'm equal or if they think I'm incapable and can't earn my own money, because I'm just a bit silly really.

^ This. If you want to be treated equal then you must be prepared to hold your own and also pay your way, otherwise you are putting yourself on unequal footing. Would be the same if you had a friend and she always paid for everything.

PurpleButterflyWings · 02/08/2023 22:39

penguinsaurus · 02/08/2023 21:53

Ehrm, yes? I’m in Scandinavia not England but this is the way it has been here for as long as I can recall. If this is the norm in England still, I don’t even know what to say tbh. What you are describing sounds medievial and really must suck.

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😂

Pablothepalm · 02/08/2023 22:45

Let it go and don’t make a meal out of it 🤣
Give the poor chap a chance. I did the same as you with my then DP and years later we are married and he is looking after me in so many ways. He was never a taker. Enjoy dating, sounds like you’re having a nice time apart from this miscommunication.

Cherrysoup · 02/08/2023 22:45

2 puddings and a cocktail and booze and let you pay for the lot? Bloody hell.

PurpleButterflyWings · 02/08/2023 22:47

@Charlize43

I do think the idea that the man should always pay is so old fashioned. Also if you want the relationship to be on equal footing then you have to be prepared to pay your own way, buy rounds, etc.

Awww, bless you. You really believe this don't you? That if you pay your own way all the time on dates, the man will think of you as an equal ALL the way through your relationship/marriage/lives........

Some women on here are in for some nasty brutal shocks.

Also, men LOVE women like you, (and a few others on here,) that think you're all cool and hip and 'feminist' by paying your way, and da menz will respect you more, and pull his weight 50-50 in life with everything...

Oh dear......... 😂

Cherrysoup · 02/08/2023 22:47

Cherrysoup · 02/08/2023 22:45

2 puddings and a cocktail and booze and let you pay for the lot? Bloody hell.

Oops, my bad, 2 puddings in total, not to himself! 🙈

PurpleButterflyWings · 02/08/2023 22:47

Cherrysoup · 02/08/2023 22:45

2 puddings and a cocktail and booze and let you pay for the lot? Bloody hell.

YEP. Musta seen her coming! Bet when it's HIS turn to pay it'll be a Maccie D's! 😆

PurpleButterflyWings · 02/08/2023 22:49

Cherrysoup · 02/08/2023 22:47

Oops, my bad, 2 puddings in total, not to himself! 🙈

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Not your fault ... LOADS of people thought this. It's the way the OP wrote it. Doesn't take away the fact he is a greedy fucker who let the OP pay a bill of over £100 on her own! Stuffed his podge with steak and chips and cocktails and wine and puddings etc, KNOWING it wasn't going to cost a fucking tenner!

He'd be in the bin if I was the OP. He knew what he was doing.

Cherrysoup · 02/08/2023 22:50

PurpleButterflyWings · 02/08/2023 22:49

Not your fault ... LOADS of people thought this. It's the way the OP wrote it. Doesn't take away the fact he is a greedy fucker who let the OP pay a bill of over £100 on her own! Stuffed his podge with steak and chips and cocktails and wine and puddings etc, KNOWING it wasn't going to cost a fucking tenner!

He'd be in the bin if I was the OP. He knew what he was doing.

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That’s my feeling, it’s not comparable to the £8 or whatever for a sandwich!

Anotherdayanotherdollar · 02/08/2023 22:52

The OP knew what the date had to eat before she offered to pay said that she didn't want him to pay though. It wasn't a shock!

SoupDragon · 02/08/2023 22:52

PurpleButterflyWings · 02/08/2023 22:47

@Charlize43

I do think the idea that the man should always pay is so old fashioned. Also if you want the relationship to be on equal footing then you have to be prepared to pay your own way, buy rounds, etc.

Awww, bless you. You really believe this don't you? That if you pay your own way all the time on dates, the man will think of you as an equal ALL the way through your relationship/marriage/lives........

Some women on here are in for some nasty brutal shocks.

Also, men LOVE women like you, (and a few others on here,) that think you're all cool and hip and 'feminist' by paying your way, and da menz will respect you more, and pull his weight 50-50 in life with everything...

Oh dear......... 😂

So you don't think a woman should pay her own way?

penguinsaurus · 02/08/2023 22:56

PurpleButterflyWings · 02/08/2023 22:49

Not your fault ... LOADS of people thought this. It's the way the OP wrote it. Doesn't take away the fact he is a greedy fucker who let the OP pay a bill of over £100 on her own! Stuffed his podge with steak and chips and cocktails and wine and puddings etc, KNOWING it wasn't going to cost a fucking tenner!

He'd be in the bin if I was the OP. He knew what he was doing.

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Op offered to pay after the meal, not before. He did not know she would pay, until after (when she said she would). Why so angry?

PurpleButterflyWings · 02/08/2023 22:58

SoupDragon · 02/08/2023 22:52

So you don't think a woman should pay her own way?

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Not when a man has asked her out on a date NO. Any man who asked me out on a date and then expected me to 'go Dutch' on it and pay for myself, would be kicked into the bin. It just shows very early signs of being a tight fisted miserly twat... And who wants that for a lifetime. Probably crap in bed as well.

penguinsaurus · 02/08/2023 22:58

PurpleButterflyWings · 02/08/2023 22:47

YEP. Musta seen her coming! Bet when it's HIS turn to pay it'll be a Maccie D's! 😆

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I’m sorry to ask, but you must have had only seriously shit relationships?

PurpleButterflyWings · 02/08/2023 22:59

Cherrysoup · 02/08/2023 22:50

That’s my feeling, it’s not comparable to the £8 or whatever for a sandwich!

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Exactly !!! the gutsy greedy git stuffing his face. Knew what he was doing.

penguinsaurus · 02/08/2023 23:01

PurpleButterflyWings · 02/08/2023 22:59

Exactly !!! the gutsy greedy git stuffing his face. Knew what he was doing.

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Still, he did not know she would offer to pay?

MamaAgainAt40 · 02/08/2023 23:02

You chose and booked a venue where a pub meal for 2 costs £110!!! That seems unreasonable to expect someone to be happy paying those kinds of prices for pub grub. If I were your date, I'd assume this meant that you were obviously used to and comfortable with splashing that kind of cash, so I'd absolutely assume you were also offering to pay, especially after saying "I don't want you paying".