Page 19 | Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

Jonesjonsy · 2023-08-01T14:57:25+00:00

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that. Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110! I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

Beautiful3 · 02/08/2023 14:36

Sounded to me like you wanted to pay the while bill. That's not his fault, but yours.

DeliciouslyDecadent · 02/08/2023 14:37

How are you feeling now OP? Any sign of a 3rd date?

I think if I were you I'd keep an open mind and see how another date goes.

Your dinner date was a bit of a muddle. On balance, it sounds like he could have offered something, but in reality he may have felt awkward and not wanted to get into a haggle over splitting the bill if you came across as being insistent that you settled it.

It's not clear if he even saw the total or passed it straight over to you when you said you weren't going to let him pay. (Granted, he'd have an idea of the cost.)

More dates will tell.

Alicenwonderland · 02/08/2023 14:44

As someone who has dated a lot in recent years my spider senses would also be tingling. Forget about all the grey areas about how it went down, when you suggested paying it should have gone something like this.

OP "You paid last time, I'll pay"
MAN "Don't be silly, that was £8, this is over £100! I had steak, loads of drinks! Why don't we split the bill."
OP "If you're sure".

This would have been the response of a decent person. I've been in this situation many times and if the bill is large I would always want to split it!

SunRainStorm · 02/08/2023 15:01

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune

Lol, try that with the police next time they pull you over.

A shot is a standard drink. Cocktails will usually have at least two, often three or four shots per serve.

This is why they are more expensive and more potent than wine or beer.

HTH.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 15:02

SunRainStorm · 02/08/2023 15:01

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune

Lol, try that with the police next time they pull you over.

A shot is a standard drink. Cocktails will usually have at least two, often three or four shots per serve.

This is why they are more expensive and more potent than wine or beer.

HTH.

Clearly we have differing experiences of cocktails.

Clymene · 02/08/2023 15:05

Alicenwonderland · 02/08/2023 14:44

As someone who has dated a lot in recent years my spider senses would also be tingling. Forget about all the grey areas about how it went down, when you suggested paying it should have gone something like this.

OP "You paid last time, I'll pay"
MAN "Don't be silly, that was £8, this is over £100! I had steak, loads of drinks! Why don't we split the bill."
OP "If you're sure".

This would have been the response of a decent person. I've been in this situation many times and if the bill is large I would always want to split it!

Exactly.

ilyana · 02/08/2023 15:54

SunRainStorm · 02/08/2023 15:01

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune

Lol, try that with the police next time they pull you over.

A shot is a standard drink. Cocktails will usually have at least two, often three or four shots per serve.

This is why they are more expensive and more potent than wine or beer.

HTH.

They don't really though. I find the measures super stingy, in London anyway.

AutumnCrow · 02/08/2023 15:59

He didn't even say thank you.

Livelifelaughter · 02/08/2023 16:07

Is OP still on this thread?

FloydPepper · 02/08/2023 16:52

Genuinely surprised at the number of women who think the right thing for the man to do would be to override their wishes (as it would have seemed to him).

category12 · 02/08/2023 17:03

He wouldn't need to "override" her wishes - he should have just said "really? It's like £100, I wouldn't be comfortable, let's just split it?" Then if she really wanted to pay the whole thing, she could have said so and he could then back down gracefully.

And basic politeness says you say thank you if someone pays for your meal. Whether man or woman.

SamW98 · 02/08/2023 17:09

I don’t think he should have overridden her wishes however I think anyone, male or female, in this position should at least offer a contribution. If the first person insists on paying then don’t push it and let them but then clearly say ‘next time is on me’

Original poster

Jonesjonsy · 02/08/2023 17:14

Hi everyone thanks for your replies. It’s definitely given me food for thought … yes I know I was unclear. I also really struggle with voicing what I feel in life and tend to shy away from that and then get annoyed. Posters have sorted of pulled me up on that point and I get it.

Honestly I think the situation was he is just a relaxed guy and he didn’t mean to take advantage consciously but I also think that he does lack manners a bit and there might be a tendency to cocklodger but its too soon to make a call on that.

And yes I don’t think the meal was posh but you know it might have been a bit from his perspective.

He did thank me but for the lovely evening not the meal if you see what I mean.

I think it’s right that men may not know what to do nowadays and when I said initially I didn’t want him to pay, he just accepted that and that combined with being relaxed means it unfolded on the way it did

i will go on a third date but will deffo change how I am about being clear! And I will be. I don’t think I will report back because it might be a bit revealing but THANK YOU!!!

It just goes to show how varied people’s views are! And shone a light on me being a bit more assertive X

OP posts:

category12 · 02/08/2023 17:16

Have you heard from him and are there actually plans for another date?

Original poster

Jonesjonsy · 02/08/2023 17:17

No plans yet but we are chatting so I think it will happen

OP posts:

Original poster

Jonesjonsy · 02/08/2023 17:36

And just to say my attitude now has massively softened since I wrote the thread title as you have made me see my mistakes in all of this. I was being way too harsh. I really do see that - whilst holding a little smidgeon of concern back just in case!

OP posts:

IamSTARVING · 02/08/2023 17:36

IMO -if you really want to suss him out - say nothing.

Let him plan, see the type of thing he does, and how he approcahes the bill.

Janieforever · 02/08/2023 17:38

I also think that he does lack manners a bit and there might be a tendency to cocklodger but its too soon to make a call on that.

that’s really harsh/offensive . Why are you talking to him if you think this? And why do you feel if he does it he’s a cocklodger with no manners but when you do it it’s fine? You even admitted you wanted him to pay for the second meal as well as the first, and only said you would to be cute

the bottom line is if you want men to pay for you and if they don’t you will think they are Ill mannered cock lodgers, then don’t say you will pay. Just sit there and don’t offer. Or push the bill to him and say thanks

you shouldn’t see him again, not if you think this of him.

WisherWood · 02/08/2023 17:39

Trust your instincts OP. We're not the ones dealing with him. It might be a bit of a mix up. It could also be that he tends to take the easy route in life if it's easier for him, regardless of whether it's easier for other people. That's not a good quality.

Original poster

Jonesjonsy · 02/08/2023 17:40

I’m just saying that I suppose there’s a possibility. Not that I think he is. Also because there are varied views on here so I’m just keeping that as a possibility. Maybe I’m wrong to do that but genuinely don’t mean to be harsh to him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jonesjonsy · 02/08/2023 17:41

WisherWood · 02/08/2023 17:39

Trust your instincts OP. We're not the ones dealing with him. It might be a bit of a mix up. It could also be that he tends to take the easy route in life if it's easier for him, regardless of whether it's easier for other people. That's not a good quality.

Yes this really sums up what I’m thinking m

OP posts:

Janieforever · 02/08/2023 17:44

Jonesjonsy · 02/08/2023 17:40

I’m just saying that I suppose there’s a possibility. Not that I think he is. Also because there are varied views on here so I’m just keeping that as a possibility. Maybe I’m wrong to do that but genuinely don’t mean to be harsh to him.

Ok so if he’d paid as he offered and was telling his mates you lacked manners and were a gold digger, would you say oh well he doesn’t mean to be harsh,

the world has moved on from this antiquated view of the little woman. No matter how many women post on here they like that. But If that’s what you want. Then be clear with these men, don’t mislead then slag them off.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 17:45

Jonesjonsy · 02/08/2023 17:14

Hi everyone thanks for your replies. It’s definitely given me food for thought … yes I know I was unclear. I also really struggle with voicing what I feel in life and tend to shy away from that and then get annoyed. Posters have sorted of pulled me up on that point and I get it.

Honestly I think the situation was he is just a relaxed guy and he didn’t mean to take advantage consciously but I also think that he does lack manners a bit and there might be a tendency to cocklodger but its too soon to make a call on that.

And yes I don’t think the meal was posh but you know it might have been a bit from his perspective.

He did thank me but for the lovely evening not the meal if you see what I mean.

I think it’s right that men may not know what to do nowadays and when I said initially I didn’t want him to pay, he just accepted that and that combined with being relaxed means it unfolded on the way it did

i will go on a third date but will deffo change how I am about being clear! And I will be. I don’t think I will report back because it might be a bit revealing but THANK YOU!!!

It just goes to show how varied people’s views are! And shone a light on me being a bit more assertive X

In etiquette, it's crass to thank hosts for the food. The focus should be on the companionship, not the chow.

Thanking you for a lovely evening was perfectly correct.

If you blurt out "i don't want you to pay," then what do you expect? From his POV you saw the menu/prices, presumably could mentally estimate the tab, and still offered to pay. Haggling is tacky.

Batalax · 02/08/2023 17:47

Please just update when the next date happens. You don’t have to give details, just whether he pays or not.

ilyana · 02/08/2023 18:02

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 17:45

In etiquette, it's crass to thank hosts for the food. The focus should be on the companionship, not the chow.

Thanking you for a lovely evening was perfectly correct.

If you blurt out "i don't want you to pay," then what do you expect? From his POV you saw the menu/prices, presumably could mentally estimate the tab, and still offered to pay. Haggling is tacky.

Show quote history

Yes, that's right. It's also very crass to thank someone for paying. I would also say thank you for the evening but not specifically for paying.

I'm really taken aback by the attitude a lot of people have about money. Talk of texting people after the fact and bringing up the cost...absolute cringe. That would be social suicide in my culture.