Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

[Jonesjonsy]

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

I know men inside out ... And trust me, men wanting women to pay for themselves are NOT doing this because they believe in equal rights for women. They are just natural tight fisted skinflints... Wouldn't give this type of man the time of day.

IME men who expect to pay for everything and are chivalrous and gentlemanly also expect women to kowtow to them. They expect you to be a bit dim and need hand holding. They don't treat you as an equal and they'll pay, out of their bigger paypacket, because they think being paid more is their right. It's a fine line between this and them starting to control the finances further into the relationship. It's when you start getting threads along the lines of 'he says we have to do X because he pays all the bills. I don't understand, he was such a gentleman at the start of our relationship'.

I think as well, if the last time you dated was 30+ years ago, you'll not understand how the dating scene has changed in that time. It's common to meet online and to have many first dates that don't really go anywhere. So actually, it makes much more sense just to split the costs. That's what me and my DP did when we first dated a few years back. And as for his beliefs in equality, he does all the childcare for his DC and works full-time. He's incredibly respectful of me and very generous. He also knows that since we both earn money, and it's the 21st century, we can both pay for stuff. He respects my independence.

I would never condemn someone based on a misunderstanding.

However, the expensive ordering is an amber flag at least. Regardless of who is paying, it is not clever to order the most expensive things on the menu unless with people you know well.

Far better to go middle ground and not make a statement in either direction.

I used to take my goddaughter out (she lives far abroad now). Her standard order was lobster followed by steak. I always paid and never complained, but I did notice that her meal always cost twice what mine did, and did think that she should have been more considerate.

I teach my own children that, if they are taken out, to avoid the most expensive dishes and take their cues from who they are with. It is basic manners.

I'm not entirely sure what your point is?

In any case, I find it hilarious that the most popular advice is to ditch the guy and not go on a third date because of the outlay imbalance, when the third date is the only opportunity for that imbalance to be rectified.

Let's look at the facts:

1 - He asked for the bill, signifying an intent to pay.
2 - OP communicated badly, leading to an awkward situation.
3 - He was probably feeling awkward too, not knowing what to do any more than the OP did.

Result: two people who're both feeling a bit weird, but without any graceful way out in the moment.

The mature thing to do is to simply call him and have a conversation about it, and have a bit of a laugh about it later.

Relationships don't have to be adversarial or transactional, unless you actively want them to be.

I'm not entirely sure what your point is?

I've explained it several times. If you still can't grasp it, I'm OK with that.

This thread is bonkers.

1. the OP chose the restaurant
2. the date didn't have 2 mains or 2 desserts, it was 1 each
3. the OP said she was paying, although this isn't quite what she meant as she phrased it badly.

Why do women like you offer to pay then complain? What do you get out of paying? Women like you offer a man everything and baby them then wonder why they take advantage

He bought you a sandwich in the first date. You said you'd pay next time.

You go to an expensive restaurant for 2nd date. He orders expensive choices. The bill comes and is very high. He still let's you pay for the whole thing because you said you'd pay next time. I' think that he was wrong. This would be a red flag to me.

I don't think he should not have let you pay for the whole thing.How could he not have offered to pay half?

I think it works both ways as well. I would go 'halves' on an expensive bill.

Who is going to pay next time then?

truthhurts23
a decent man wouldnt allow someone to pay such a large bill, especially his portion, he should have at least said he will pay his part, he sounds disgusting to allow you to do that, whether you offered or not

This is so true. I don't see a pink flag, I see a red one!

Would a decent woman allow a man to pay that bill?

She didnt say that she would pay until the bill came out. So your points are invalid

The builder/electrician rabbit mascot in Parkdeans Starland crew is even called Sparky.

That's not what happened, though. He tried to pay, and she stopped him. His only alternative at that point was stopping her stopping him, which usually goes round and round in an awkward conversation where nobody's quite sure.

I've read OP's comments but not the full thread, so sorry if this has been discussed already.

Isn't that a lot of alcohol for a second date?

A cocktail is usually 2-3 standard drinks, plus two large glasses of wine makes another 3ish standard drinks.

I'd be pretty drunk after that!

@ntmdino
1 - He asked for the bill, signifying an intent to pay.

No.

Read the OP's posts.

He asked for the bill as he had to get moving because he had a train to catch.

When the bill arrived, she said she wanted to pay - or something like that.

She can't quite recall her exact words.

If this was in court, it would have been thrown out pages back.

Why? Because her recollection of what precisely she said is full of holes.

As is her title for her thread.

@SunRainStorm and your point is?
That the man had too much to drink, based on your tolerance for alcohol?

How does this add anything to the OP's AIBU?

For all late comers to this party.

OP yesterday at 7pmish

i can’t remember the exact wording but I didn’t actually say I would pay for the whole thing. I was trying to ackownledge that he had paid [for our previous date- the coffee and a snack] and I didn’t want him to pay for everything again. It was something along those lines but i totally take the hit I was unclear. And should have said something. Totally agree with that!

A cocktail is not the equivalent of "2-3 standard drinks" ffs. It's one drink.

Well she said she didn't want him to pay, so if he wasn't to pay who was going to??

A cocktail is not the equivalent of "2-3 standard drinks" ffs. It's one drink.

Cocktails made in pubs will generally contain 2-3 units of alcohol. They're a blend of spirits and a pub won't monkey around giving you a half measure. So gin plus vermouth will be a couple of measures of alcohol. People forget that and get pretty drunk pretty quickly. It's also why they're so expensive.

This is one reason I’m glad I’m not dating. It costs a fortune! I’ve ended up in this kind of situation or even if it’s my turn to pay, I don’t think it’s worth the money unless it’s a birthday or celebration.

The last time I paid for a man on a night out, I paid for the meal, drinks and taxis and all he did was moan all night and I thought what a complete waste of money. I’ve probably got stingy in my old age but I’m not prepared to do it any more.

I do think it sounds like op was offering to pay but he did go over the top with the cocktails and could have offered to pay for the drinks or something.

Exactly what I was thinking!!!

I'm a slim woman and I wouldn't be any more than a bit tipsy after a cocktail and two glasses of wine with a load of food. Not a remotely weird amount to drink on a date, IMO.

£35 steak, £10 cocktail, £15 wine, £5 dessert = £65.
So OP had £45 of food and drinks.
For a decent meal and a stash of drinks in 2023 in London, that's really not extortionate amounts to spend, I don't really get the faux horror at the price. I expect he thought he would pay up next time as OP offered to pay. If he didn't then there's a bigger issue. The concept that a woman can't possibly pay out for a meal is a bit icky to me though, personally I never did like a man thinking they were somehow able to buy my attention.

Anyone with half a brain would know an £8 coffee and sandwich is not comparable to a £110 meal out. He should have stepped in even if you didnt quite communicate properly

I don't think he got you to pay at all. I think if you'd have said what you actually meant and offered to go halves he would have agreed.

He asked for the bill and you said 'I don't want you paying again'. I'd have assumed you wanted to pay.