Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

[Jonesjonsy]

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

he had a cocktail to begin and 2 x big glasses of wine so that really pushed it up! Then two mains, he had a steak which was pricey and pudding

He was a CF. Was his share much more than yours?

He shouldn't have accepted you paying on your second date, especially when he had ordered such expensive items.

They way you have worded this I would gave taken it that you are paying the bill. Give him another date as I think this is actually your own mistake in communicating.

In addition to that - I find men who are mean with money are usually mean in the bedroom/mean with sex ... And as I said, you'll find that the 'equal opportunities for women' men who expect women to pay for everything themselves all the time/pay half 'because equal rights,' don't extend these 'equal rights' to doing the housework and domestic chores and pulling their weight with the childcare.

I know men inside out ... And trust me, men wanting women to pay for themselves are NOT doing this because they believe in equal rights for women. They are just natural tight fisted skinflints... Wouldn't give this type of man the time of day. This type of man is NOT a keeper. Like the OP's 'man... Stuffing his face with steak and cocktails and puddings and wine... He KNEW the bill would be high, and still let her pay. Ewwww. The hills are THAT way. >>>>>

🎯

You need to update us after date 3 now 🤣

There's no way a decent person would blindly accept you paying the whole £110, even if you said you'd pay!
Then he didn't even say thank you!! Manners cost nothing
If you want to see him, leave it to him to suggest

No. This is reality, where people take turns to pay, shout each other for a treat, pay a larger percentage if they earn more…..lots of ways to divide costs, but not abnormal at all. The only people always paid for by someone else are children.

All quite normal for functional adults.

This is not a parallel universe, this is what happens when people who support themselves socialize together.

Yeah, in the UK the electrician is the 'sparks', the carpenter is the 'chippy ', bricklayer is the 'brickey'. We don't talk about those 'pipeys' though 😂

I would see if he suggests a third date and takes his turn to pay.

And sparky is a common UK word for an electrician in my experience. Stop nitpicking!

Maybe your communication was unclear. But he ordered expensive drinks and a steak. He should have said that's too expensive let's go halves. He didn't say thank you either - that's just bad manners.

if the genders were reversed and it was a date..

firstly, I would not be ordering anything that I am not intending to pay for
I have a set budget that I want to spend for example 20-30
I would not be ordering multiple desserts, an expensive plate of food , or multiple alcoholic beverages , if I wasn't planning on paying for it
So there would never be a situation where my portion of the bill was large, and make someone feel like they have to pay for me

At the end of the date, I would be clear that I want to pay separately
the only exception would be if , me and the date had ordered something to share like a platter and in that case we would go half

I would NOT split the bill , if I only had a glass of wine and a salad, and this greedy pig ate two desserts, a lobster and multiple drinks , he will pay for his own stuff

if my date offers to pay for my meal , I will say are you sure ? I was intending to pay for myself ,
If he insists to pay for my meal, I will graciously accept it and offer to cover the tip or something
I will not feel guilty about my date paying for my portion because I would not be taking the piss and ordering so much stuff

Now if I had ran up a high bill ordering lots of items, there is no way I would allow my date to cover my portion of the bill,
I would insist to pay separately
and it sounds like OPs date did not put up any resistance to the OP paying for all of his excessive ordering, which imo would land him in the bin and i would never contact him again

You were. You made up a scenario that didn't happen and when you were reminded it hadn't happened, decided that it confirmed whatever prejudice caused you to make it up.

Same goes for that poster.

You aren't revealing anyone's sexism but your own. OP's date did something that is arguably very gauche. Most of us are deciding whether or not we think it was OK. You and your cohort have tried to turn it into a battle of the sexes by making up a scenario that didn't happen and isn't relevant because you're incapable of seeing a social faux pas related by a woman without assuming she's being sexist. That's...sexism.

You made up a scene that didn't happen yet are insisting we respond as if it did, and that that somehow proves whatever prejudice created it.

If you don't want to pay for dinner, you don't have to.

I've heard "bricky". Not "chippy", though.

I've lived all over the UK, honest. But I rarely had conversations about tradespeople, I guess.

OP I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time. You are not unclear in your posts and I fully understand what you're saying.

I once went on a first date and the guy didn't pay for the meal, it was slightly different to your situation in that he hadn't paid for anything beforehand. It was a massive red flag for me and I didn't see him again. As it happened I dodged a massive bullet as he later mix-text me and was extremely rude to who he thought was someone else he'd dated (if it was even an accidental text).

If you're not sure, that is a sign in itself. Try the third date and you will know. Good luck!

You're obviously too young to remember Chippy Minton the Carpenter in Camberwick Green.

Crazyarmadillolady.I agree with you! No way did he not know what he was doing.Cocktails are expensive ,everyone knows that! Also wine and a steak as well what a CF he is .

Sounds like a misunderstanding.

it can even out on your third date

Just read OPs post again. On a first reading I must have missed that on the second more expensive date he asked for the bill, which suggests that he intended to pay. OP stepped in and stopped him.

The guy is innocent and is now free to go on a 3rd date. Case closed.

The way I see it:

he asked for the bill => an assumption that the person asking is probably going to pay. Seems like OP (and possibly her date) had the same idea.

op said: no, please don’t pay for the (whole?) thing! (I’m a bit unclear re the precise wording…)

he thinks OP wants to pay for the whole date. He could now either refuse (which might offend OP, many women dislike men who don’t let them pay), he could take OP up on her offer (and risk the various opinions on this thread) or he could have offered to go Dutch.

going Dutch could still be seen as a rejection of OP’s assumed generosity.
and many people - at least IME - go Dutch when they know that there probably won’t be a next date. Going Dutch could therfore could have been interpreted that he actually really isn’t into OP at all…

Conclusion: there were 3 possible options, all of them with their own specific set of problems.

I would wait for the 3rd date.

Just looked it up...yes, I am.

But I did once live next to a carpenter and he never said "chippy".

Damn. Those two desserts are a surprisingly popular topic.

Especially so, because they're completely imaginary.

I agree. This is entirely your fault. You offered to pay and he accepted as it was your turn. I'd assume he'd pay next time.

This was entirely your miscommunication OP. Anyone would have interpreted what you said, as written here, as you offering to pay. You should have paid half of sandwich shop bill and taken it from there. You should have just spilt all bills from the start.

I think op’s headline is misleading, making everyone think her date duped her. Try this one: I once went on a date with a man who, when the bill arrived, discovered that he had left his wallet at home, so I paid. No problem. When it happened again on the second date…Big problems.

Much like the parallel universe in which the date invited OP to an expensive restaurant, his treat, and which proves...something something women are bad something something.

That’s the biggie for me. A one off misunderstanding or a pattern of behaviour.

That’s why date 3 is the decider - imo he should pay for that one then maybe after that they communicate better about expectations re bill splitting/sharing/alternating

Yes, Mumsnet is definitely reality 😄