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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date got me to pay for expensive dinner - bin?

765 replies

Jonesjonsy · 01/08/2023 15:57

Met a guy online. First date, walk in the countryside near to where he lived. Seemed a really nice guy with great interests and gorgeous dog! Stopped at a cafe and had sandwich lunch about £8 each, no alcohol or anything. Very kindly he offered to pay and I accepted. no kiss or anything like that.

Second date he said he was going to be working near me and would I like to do something. I offered to book a pub dinner near to where he would clock off. Again it went well I thought, but conscious on seeing the prices on the menu I knew I wouldn’t want him to pay for me particularly as he had bought me the sandwich. At the end of the meal when he asked for the bill, I said you paid last time so I don’t want you paying again. He misconstrued this as me saying I would settle the whole thing (what I meant was we just had split it) and I guess I was so flummoxed that this had happened I just paid especially since the waitress was kind of hovering over us… I was embarrassed to talk about it. Bill was £110!

I guess I just wonder if this is a major red flag. I don’t know him well enough to determine and honestly it’s put me off I don’t think I want to meet up again. Yes I can afford it as I’ve worked really hard to build up my own business. I didn’t tell about money at all and am not flashy but I did talk about what I do and maybe he just made a assumption? AIBU?

OP posts:
SlipSlidinAway · 01/08/2023 21:19

It might not be what you would expect but I am different, I think later on it doesn't have to be that way but I am just stating my preference, it's not right or wrong. There's some cultures where it's a norm and others where it isn't.

@Livelifelaughter

Of course it's wrong. Citing cultural 'norms' doesn't make it right.

Dunnoburt · 01/08/2023 21:21

Miscommunication on your part....however if I was the other party and saw the total I would have contributed...... you are both being unreasonable!

category12 · 01/08/2023 21:22

CringeLicious · 01/08/2023 21:19

You are probably right, but there are plenty of people (in the City?) for whom £110 would be petty cash. My former colleagues would literally think nothing of spending that on Tuesday lunch. Each.

Show quote history

Yes, but we're talking about a sparky and OP who has a secretarial role and a fledgling cleaning business.

Neither are skint, but probably not on a financial level where £100 is as of little note to them as £8.

londonrach · 01/08/2023 21:24

You offered to pay not split it op

livethislifetoday · 01/08/2023 21:30

One of the problems with this thread is that there's a big gap between those who think £100 is an enormous amount to pay for a dinner and those who don't.
I know loads of sparks (electricians) - they earn a decent wage and wouldn't think anything of a £100 meal.
She's offered to pay; he's accepted. I don't see the problem. But only IF he has a third date in mind and knows he'll be covering it.
If his next suggestion is grabbing a KFC then it's a different story!

doorstopper123 · 01/08/2023 21:37

See what happens next time

Is there a third date on the horizon? His shout this time

rwm92 · 01/08/2023 21:42

I'll probably get flamed for this but I could never go on another date with a man that let me pay a whole bill of £110 🙈 it's just so unattractive. I like a gentleman too, and I'll be raising my son to at least offer to pay for any lady he takes out.

Livelifelaughter · 01/08/2023 21:44

SlipSlidinAway · 01/08/2023 21:19

It might not be what you would expect but I am different, I think later on it doesn't have to be that way but I am just stating my preference, it's not right or wrong. There's some cultures where it's a norm and others where it isn't.

@Livelifelaughter

Of course it's wrong. Citing cultural 'norms' doesn't make it right.

None of the men I have had relationships with would even feel comfortable if I paid. None however have been English.You may think it's wrong but that doesn't make it so.

Thatboymum · 01/08/2023 21:45

I don’t think the cost is relevant because you picked the venue. He paid first time you should pay next time and so on I think that’s only fair

Livelifelaughter · 01/08/2023 21:49

rwm92 · 01/08/2023 21:42

I'll probably get flamed for this but I could never go on another date with a man that let me pay a whole bill of £110 🙈 it's just so unattractive. I like a gentleman too, and I'll be raising my son to at least offer to pay for any lady he takes out.

I suspect some MN won't be able to decide whether to flame you or me first...

Janieforever · 01/08/2023 21:51

rwm92 · 01/08/2023 21:42

I'll probably get flamed for this but I could never go on another date with a man that let me pay a whole bill of £110 🙈 it's just so unattractive. I like a gentleman too, and I'll be raising my son to at least offer to pay for any lady he takes out.

See I don’t think the definition of a gentleman is paying for me. I believe in equality, and happy to take turns to pay. I’m a grown woman. I pay my way.

rwm92 · 01/08/2023 21:54

Janieforever · 01/08/2023 21:51

See I don’t think the definition of a gentleman is paying for me. I believe in equality, and happy to take turns to pay. I’m a grown woman. I pay my way.

Show quote history

Thats cool, we're all different.

ToxicBiennial · 01/08/2023 21:54

Worth a third date and see how it goes. Good luck! (Please report back).

FinallyHere · 01/08/2023 21:56

Taking it in turns to pick the venue and pay the bill is my favourite way of sharing costs.

It works even with very different income levels. If you are skint, you can do a picnic and push the boat out when you are flush and want to celebrate.

If you want to continue, maybe have a chat about a fair way to share costs

honeypancake · 01/08/2023 22:09

He could have asked "Are you sure?" or reach out for his wallet first or some such, but he just silently agreed, probably thinking he got lucky! It is clearly misunderstanding. No red flag and won't be an issue once in a relationship but do be clear and firm next time!

Blueberr · 01/08/2023 22:13

Oh my god yes absolutely bin him off do you even need to question this?! I wouldn’t ever go anywhere near him again after that! Any man that would let you pay all that for his meal is a bloody chancer.

ElizaWinter · 01/08/2023 22:20

It's worth considering how this situation made you feel. It's not all about whether your intentions were misunderstood. Sometimes you should just go with your gut.

I would have expected him to say no to you paying for all of it at that price. You're right, there's no chivalry.

I remember moving in with ExH years ago and he didn't help me with the heavy lifting and seemed pretty disinterested tbh. it left me feeling really uncomfortable and turned out to be a red flag for things to come.

I always wished I had taken notice of how I felt on that day but unfortunately I didn't.

rwm92 · 01/08/2023 22:29

Livelifelaughter · 01/08/2023 21:49

I suspect some MN won't be able to decide whether to flame you or me first...

Show quote history

This is Mumsnet, everyone is way too educated, independent, strong and cool to ever let a man do something as despicable as pay for their dinner 😀

echt · 01/08/2023 22:41

While your offer made it look like you were footing the bill, I still think anyone worth their salt particularly on such short acquaintance, would have looked at it and insisted on chipping in.

PurpleButterflyWings · 01/08/2023 22:55

rwm92 · 01/08/2023 21:42

I'll probably get flamed for this but I could never go on another date with a man that let me pay a whole bill of £110 🙈 it's just so unattractive. I like a gentleman too, and I'll be raising my son to at least offer to pay for any lady he takes out.

100% this. ^

PurpleButterflyWings · 01/08/2023 22:57

Usernamen · 01/08/2023 20:47

Haven’t RTFT and I might get flamed for this, but when I was dating I never paid for anything in the first few dates and only offered to split the bill when I was actually dating someone (a few dates in and more or less exclusive). Not because I’m stingy but because I didn’t tend to go for men who don’t understand the rules of engagement. The men I was dating would have been horrified if a woman offered to pay on a first or second date (most were non-British).

Yeah, this. ^ Any man who expected me to pay for myself on a date that he'd asked me on when I was first dating (35 + years ago,) wouldn't have got a second date from me. I know it's sexist and it's old fashioned blah blah blah blah! And I still feel the same now ... if a man wanted to 'go dutch' on a date, and expected me to pay for myself... I just wouldn't see him again... As you say it's like, the rules of engagement...

I think what it is at the end of the day, is that a woman wants to know that a man can provide for her and will provide her, and is generous, and will help her if she has less income ... which she invariably will because women earn less and their earning power goes down when they have children.

You don't want or need some tight arsed skinflint that's actually going to make you always pay for everything yourself in life ...even when you've got a lot less money.... (And a man who would expect you to pay for yourself on the first date is very likely going to be this kind of skinflint...)

In addition to that - I find men who are mean with money are usually mean in the bedroom/mean with sex ... And as I said, you'll find that the 'equal opportunities for women' men who expect women to pay for everything themselves all the time/pay half 'because equal rights,' don't extend these 'equal rights' to doing the housework and domestic chores and pulling their weight with the childcare.

I know men inside out ... And trust me, men wanting women to pay for themselves are NOT doing this because they believe in equal rights for women. They are just natural tight fisted skinflints... Wouldn't give this type of man the time of day. This type of man is NOT a keeper. Like the OP's 'man... Stuffing his face with steak and cocktails and puddings and wine... He KNEW the bill would be high, and still let her pay. Ewwww. The hills are THAT way. >>>>>

pamplemoussemousse · 01/08/2023 23:10

Saywhanow · 01/08/2023 20:55

Sorry but no. I don't think you did make a mistake - ok he might have misunderstood BUT and this is the red flag for me - who the heck is ok with someone paying for a £110 meal on a second date without putting up some sort of fight????

That isn't even a man thing! If I bought someone an £8 lunch and they said 'I will get this' for a £110 meal - even if I misunderstood my response would be - oh nooooo don't be silly the sandwich was only £8! I would put up resistance! Male/female, gender stereotypes out the window - anyone who sits back and just says 'well I had a nice time' and leaves it at that, is a red flag - no matter what.

To literally put up fuck all resistance....who does that?

Blaring red flags!! Gender has nothing to do with it. You're on a second date! He should have thought that was ridiculous, totally not the same thing and said so - to which you then had the choice to say - no no honestly my treat OR - ok well put £45 on your card and I will settle the rest - and we can say I bought you a drink.

Bin him.

100%

pamplemoussemousse · 01/08/2023 23:15

And to those who said she extended the invite, he said I'm in your town, so she offered to book somewhere. He extended the invite by saying I'm close by, want to meet? And she booked somewhere as she knows the area. That's not a green light for him to let her pay for a £100+ meal

My parents are well off and regularly take me and my family/my brother and his family or all of us for dinner. We all know my parents will pay, but me and my brother and our partners still make a token offer to pick up the bill. If my dad one day took us up on it then we'd pay it no questions asked. That's an unspoken rule between family, not a second date with someone who shelled out for a couple of butties on the first outing.

ElizaWinter · 01/08/2023 23:17

I know men inside out ... And trust me, men wanting women to pay for themselves are NOT doing this because they believe in equal rights for women. They are just natural tight fisted skinflints... Wouldn't give this type of man the time of day. This type of man is NOT a keeper.

Yes this ^

SamW98 · 01/08/2023 23:31

I’m getting on a bit but I think men go on a first date ready to pay. I would always offer to pay towards the bill but wouldn’t argue the point and would be happy to let him pay. Though if he paid fir dinner - I’d take him for a drink afterwards. I’ve always been the same even back 30+ years ago.

These days, I personally wouldn’t want to go to a pre booked dinner for the first couple of dates anyway. I’d rather just go for a few drinks where we could talk freely and if we ended up grabbing food then that would just be how it went.

I do honestly think he should have offered a contribution at the very least OP. Just as of it was the other way round then the woman should offer something towards the bill.

I can’t even begin to imagine either party just sitting there when the bill comes up and not even attempting to get their debit card out.